Complications

I don't think he reads here anymore, or even would think to, so I'm going to write what's been in my mind since I last saw Steve. Since I decided I had things to say again, things that mattered to my soul and itched to be free.

In some ways, I've been stifled knowing he'd be on here reading my words. That's no longer a problem.

I can finally say the way he ended things was one of the most heartbreaking things someone has ever done to me. It nearly killed me. It's what pushed me off the fragile edge into oblivion. I had arrangements made. I knew what day I was going to end things.

After everything and everyone who tried to break me, he managed to do it by accident. I couldn't let him "see" in that annoying way he "sees" me. If he thought, guessed for a brief moment, he would stop me.

The Ex moving two and a half hours away helped a lot. My therapist says that's when he saw an improvement. But that's not what rekindled the fire, no. I helped a friend get out of an abusive situation. I saw the fear firsthand. A look I know all too well. One I didn't just wear around The Ex. One I've wore most of my childhood. I know abuse when I see it.

They'd already broken up. She was packing up her things as quickly as she could with work. He was being an asshole about it and was trying to convince her to reconsider. So while he was off on a job over a long weekend, I got her out. I pushed my body and my mind to its limits, but we did it. I slide into a disassociative state about 5 minutes after everything was done. Not completely gone, but I lost the ability to speak for a while. I kept shaking.

I want to shake now. When she admitted to our friends, with my help, that her ex was abusive no one believed her. They still don't. They thought I was projecting my Ex onto her situation. Want me to live? Make me angry. Give me a reason to defy people actively. Give me something to prove wrong.

But nothing has been right these past few months. The lynch pin, my therapist calls her. The center around which all my abuse and trauma can be tied back to. One of my first abusers. Someone I used to call "mom" but isn't my biological mother. We talked in December. The nightmares started then. Restless nights. Meds no longer working. Weeks of unrelenting migraines.

And his girlfriend. Seeing her name show up on FB. We're not friends but she's tags him in things all the time. She's integrated in his life in a way I never was, maybe never could have been. And I hate her for it. I hate her. I have no reason to; she seems like a really nice person. They connect really well.

Yet, I hate her. The idea of being around her puts very bad thoughts in my head. Bad dreams. I say I want him only to be happy. Then why is there so much rage? It's not like she's someone bad for him. I'd understand that. But she seems great. A total sweetheart who's been through her own miseries in life. I should connect with her.

He says he's surprised that I'm not vindictive. I could be, and he has no idea of the levels I'd go to. I can be ruthless. But not to him, never to him. And she's now part of his life...my brain should transition to a protective state.

It's not though. I see competition. I see prey. I see something to eliminate.

If this is who the medications make me become in order to "help" me, I think I'll take my depression and anxiety and ptsd instead. Kthnx. Because that person sure as hell isn't me. 

No Good Options

Since last summer, Steve and I haven't been close. I saw him once in the fall; it may have even been September. I don't really remember anymore. The meds I'm taking make it harder to keep track of the days and months. Time eludes me. But he was over for dinner to meet Frank. Steve knows my housemate who's living with me. She has a job in the area for the year working for a library. It's to advance her career and it was an opportunity she couldn't pass down. I needed the company. One of Frank's friends who lives in town was also over for dinner that night, so it was an interesting evening.

Though the friend is now my friend as well. In the last year, I've lost a lot of friends who I used to hold dear. They chose to keep someone abusive around. I saw what he was doing to our friend. I helped get her out. And yet, they would rather believe I'm projecting my own past issues onto other people than believe that yet another person is an abusive asshole.

Yeah, my ex was a piece of shit. That's all I'm willing to say about that.

Last Monday Steve and I met for lunch. We wanted to bridge back together the pieces of our friendship. I was reserved, but damn if I don't still get butterflies every single time I see him. I shouldn't, especially now, but may the gods help me, I do.

Lunch went fine. He bought a house in the fall and asked if I wanted to see it. I had time so sure. It's a nice house; he can do a lot with it. We started talking and catching up. Four hours later...lots of crying...too many emotions.

There was a point. The attraction is still there as if June 8th, 2014 wasn't over a year and a half ago. It feels like a couple months. I fell right into subspace for him, something I haven't been able to touch since things ended between us.

But he just started seeing someone. They've liked each other for months now and just finally admitted it. He still sees us as having obstacles that will never be overcome, even though he's entirely wrong. He can have his opinion and I can have mine. The words "You are everything I've been looking for" still whisper in my mind. Words he said in awe.

Things have fallen out with Lisa. They just happened, in the same way we just happened into a relationship.

As for Frank, yes we've talked about the future. But that is something Steve never understood. I do that with everyone. I told him I did, but he didn't seem to believe me. I dislike unknowns. If things continue forward, I have a clear understanding of where Frank and I will be, where we stand, what we want for the future, etc.

But it's also been less than a year. And given everything I still feel for Steve, I'm conflicted. Steve says there will never be a future there. All he can offer is friendship. Is it right or fair to be with someone when my loyalty will always be with Steve? I love Frank...but I gave Steve everything. I bet everything on him.

And I would do anything to make him happy. I can't say that about anyone else. So I'm lost with no good options.

We Never Really Say Goodbye

It feels strange to be writing again, after so long. There's so much to say and yet where to begin?

I'm seeing someone new. His name is Frank. We've been dating for two months now. The first month we took agonizingly slow and then we couldn't help ourselves. I wanted to drown in him from the first night we met. He's a Dom, a Sadist, a Daddy.

He's completely respectful of Lisa and my relationship. Her and I are stronger than ever.

Chris and I went 5 months without talking to each other. While I was wrapped up in the worst depression of my life. It's why I couldn't be here anymore. I had to get professional help, even more than just my therapist.

I now have a team of doctors and I'm in contact with Johns Hopkins to be seen by their specialists. The psychiatric stuff is being managed well, but the physical has taken some interesting turns. I'm apparently fascinating to my medical doctors and that's not a word I want associated with my body.

But on the whole I'm doing better. I'm really, really happy with Frank.

I'm still me though. I'm still poly. Frank and I may be helping each other relight flames in each other...but fuck if Steve still isn't the brightest flame in the goddamn room. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think there is anything to be done. He told me to move on. I have.

I'm in love with someone new, but I was always in love with Lisa too.

It doesn't just stop. My heart never stopped breaking and I'm still in love Steve. I know it shows sometimes around Frank and he hasn't asked about it, yet. One day he will and I won't really know how to explain it. That for the last three years I've been in love with someone who stopped loving me a long time ago.

I can at least see and admit that now. I don't know exactly when, but he did stop being in love with me a long time before things ended. And as I sit here crying, I think I shouldn't post this. It'll only stir up the past.

Because it is over, and there is no going back. I knew he was never mine. I should have listened to those instincts. Instead of crying over someone who was probably never worth all the effort and time I put in over the years anyway, at least not for me. He's worth it, just not for me.

There are some people we never get over. For me, it's always going to be Steve. No matter what happens, he's always going to break my heart a little for the rest of my life.