Catharsis

I saw my therapist today. It's Wednesday. The usual. We talked about how I ended my friendship with Steve and how I had the best night sleep in ages. I explained all the reasons why I ended the friendship.

My therapist is concerned that this will only prove to me not to let new people in, but this has been a while coming. I've just been avoiding it because I still had hope. Because I made a promise. Because I wasn't ready to give up until I knew for sure.

It wasn't only what I can't forgive. I could have looked passed all that, if I actually meant a damn to Steve. But during the relationship, I carried us. During the friendship, I carried us. If I didn't push for time together, I would have rarely seen him which became reality.

He claims we may have texted more than most of his other friends, but that was only true when I texted him first. I never got his time. Not unless I pushed, and that's not what a relationship is. That's not what a friendship is.

The only time I was a "priority" was when I was emotionally unstable or shit was hitting the fan. I'll give him that much. But I shouldn't have been having panic attacks, disassociating, deep into a depressive state to matter to someone.

Otherwise, I may as well have not existed as far as his life and world was concerned. Remember, I just met his parents this summer, after his gf had met the whole family...I really really should have seen this whole picture sooner.

And, heh, I could be wrong but I think he's still reading here. Good. Because for everything he said that he wishes me all the best and hopes that I find peace, etc etc...I didn't trust it.

I can't explain it but I had a gut feeling. I removed Steve as a fb friend yesterday as well. Only makes sense. Today I go to see if he's blocked me. Nope. But something is still nagging me. So I look up his gf. And I get redirected to my homepage.

I laughed so damn hard. Because she blocked me (never friends btw). She would have only done so if he had said something to her lol. It must have been something awful, otherwise why go through the effort? I felt like I was in middle school again. So much for wishing each other all the best. But I still mean what I said, no matter how much I vent here. That's what this blog is for: venting.

I hope he has a long, healthy, and happy life. I just want no part of it.

Closing The Door

I said good bye and there was finality to it. Ever since that lunch back in February, things have been leading up to this. Steve has said some really stupid shit sometimes at exactly the wrong moments. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep the memories haunting me...living, breathing, alive...with him around.

He said he was expecting this. He hadn't held any real hope for a while.

And that made me so angry. Because before I got a response, I wanted him to fight. And I cried out, my heart hurt in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. I knew he wouldn't because he doesn't. Even if he did, it wouldn't have changed my mind. But it bothers me that he'd already given up.

I was right. I know exactly when it started declining. First the relationship. Then the friendship. And if I wasn't the one actively trying all the time, there wasn't anything at all. Because I see how he is now. I see how engaged and active he is with his current relationship...and that was never us.

Silly me, I can forgive the differences because I know the circumstances. But I can't forgive how things ended. I can't forgive February. And I can't forgive that he has no feelings about the miscarriage. We don't know why I miscarried, given that it was my second one. I do know I have scarring. Found out last December before I was put on birth control. So when he told me that it didn't affect him the same way because it wasn't viable, I broke the news. I have no idea.

He's also a liar, or his memory loss really is that bad. Because he was upset when it happened.

So I'm done. I told him that I don't know if this good bye is forever but assume it is. And I expect it to be. Because I've removed everyone from my life who is harmful to my life and I haven't gone back. I didn't go to my own grandpa's funeral because I couldn't walk back into that life, or only show up for a day and walk right back out.

No matter what Steve has ever been to me, this truly was good bye.

Toxic poison

I didn't realize until today that Steve is poison to me. Toxic. It was upon summarizing his break up with me on other blogger's post that I realized he did so many awful things. Some of which I don't think I could ever forgive him for and so I will always be in pain and angry so long as he's around.

After four years of knowing him, I have no idea how to say those words. I promised he was stuck with me because he was my friend and I couldn't...I still can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't break promises lightly.

My problem is and has always been putting others before myself. Right now though, I don't know if we're friends or two people trying to be friends. I have walls up so high because I have nightmares if I don't keep myself guarded at all times, but especially around him.

I want to tell his girlfriend to run while she can. I want to tell her all the reasons why she should. He's been talking about getting into therapy since I've known him. Still waiting on that one, and he's the one who thinks it actually works. He buys into all the crap about therapy and meds and the rest of that.

If you ask me why I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has on multiple occasions, I do not have an answer for you. Habit? Fear? Once I get into a routine it is difficult for me to break it.

If I had any self worth, any common sense I'd tell Steve to fuck off and I'd never look back. That shouldn't make me cry to write that or leave me feeling terrified. Fuck him and the stupid dependency that he didn't even want me to develop. Just fuck him. That two years later I'm still a mess because of his bullshit and he is fucking perfectly fine.