So I'm a bitch, am I?

Oh man, apparently I am full of aggressive attitude at the moment. Where did the sweet sub girl go?

For the record, we're fine. We talked some of it out. We'll talk the rest out hopefully some time this week. Somehow we always manage to figure things out, so neither of us is all that worried.

No, someone I know on Fetlife messaged an ex of mine, telling him to "control the bitch".

Well, Hi. You called for a bitch and damn well got one. I showed Lisa everything earlier and she just about died laughing. I've been in a mood lately. I almost said "Good boy" to a friend on Sunday. To which Sir remarked, "And you're sure you're not at all Dominant?" while chuckling.

No, I'm really not. But I can be snarky as heck, especially since it was a dominant guy that I was referring to with my "good boy" comment. I know full well the terminology and it can be amusing to engage dominants at their own game.

I guess that makes me a terrible submissive. Sir will just have to love me anyway. ;-)

Speaking of Lisa and Sir actually, we're getting together along with Lisa's hubby on Saturday. Going to the renn faire. Should be lots of fun! :)  Sir hasn't met them yet, which is surprising I know. It should be interesting. Hopefully everyone will like everyone else.

Lisa has been giving me a daily countdown for our little getaway trip. Gotta love that woman and how silly she is at times. Spa time, luxurious jacuzzi in the room, beautiful garden and grounds in the most perfect weather. Dinner that evening at a french restaurant. Dessert and wine delivered to the room. Breakfast delivered to the room the next morning. We really spared no detail for a girly getaway.

My diet will be a bit out the window but one night won't harm anything. I've lost 14 pounds, 5 inches from my hips, another 4 from my thighs, and a couple inches everywhere else. I'm fairly certain I'm gaining muscle mass, which is why the pounds don't seem near as significant as the inches lost. Considering I'm far more concerned about the inches, I can most certainly live with that.

That's about all that's going on. While I'm not in a dominant mindset, I truly am far away from the submissive spectrum. Maybe with all things considered, it's a good thing for the present time. It's not like that side has been needed lately. I don't mean anything bad by that comment. It is what it is. If Sir wants my submissive side out, He knows how to coax that from me.

Unraveling A Layer

Right from the start

You were a thief

You stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me

That weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

I first heard this song a few days ago. Or, it was the first time I really heard the song. It's Pink's "Just Give Me A Reason." 

The song is an exchange between lovers. She believes he no longer loves her, that space has grown between them. But instead she's the one retreating. Up until then, the man thought everything was fine. There's also a familiarity towards the situation, as if this is something he's gone through before. Her mind is a little screwed up, but he loves her and will help make it better again.

It resonated with my head space because I know a lot of it is in my head. I was straddling the edges of a panic attack the other night. Damn book triggered me, and likely wouldn't for anyone else. A character got injured in a fight but it was the how. It's frustrating to know what's happening, to know the sensations I'm feeling aren't occurring, and yet unable to do more than keep the worst of it at bay.

I sent Him a text to let Him know what was happening. There was nothing to do but ride it out. It finally faded around mid-day yesterday. I'm okay now so please don't worry. It's something that happens, especially when I've recently been emotionally off kilter.

I shared this song with you because I understand I am that way. I realize I throw Him off when things seem fine, then suddenly my head points out all the problems, real or non-existent. I'm not always coming from a place of reason when I write here. I try to keep the worst of the paranoia away from here but I'm sure it slips through on occasion.

Yes, I want more. But what I have now is pretty damn amazing. For the most part, He's there when I need Him. I know I can always turn to Him and He'll do what He can for me. He's a very sweet man who puts up with a lot of my shit and somehow still wants to be here. Because when confronted with all the evidence, even my twisted mind has a hard time disputing the fact that He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We talked and talked for hours last night. He may have seen a side that He wasn't expecting, in that money means absolutely nothing to me. Beyond basic living, I need very little. I live simply, and should I ever have more than I need, I'll help others rather than amass money that will just sit there. Furthermore, I would never try to keep someone unwillingly in my life. I don't ever want to be someone's obligation.

I'm not like most people. I think that confuses Him some times. For all the reasons I'm screwed up mentally and emotionally, I learned what the right priorities are in life. 

The people who want to be there, for the ups and downs. Making sure I have enough financial resources while not living in excess. Giving back to those in need. Books that challenge my mind, music that touches my heart, and food that delights my taste buds.

Sir? He wants to be here. I don't know exactly what He sees in me, but He says it's worth treasuring. When He smiles and His eyes twinkle with affection as He tells me this, I have to believe Him.

Ponderings

An interesting note to bring up about our time together from the weekend. I wanted to refer to Him as "Sir" on a number of occasions, especially while we played. But I found myself hesitating to address Him with that honorific. When we're in the midst of a scene, it's a fitting usage. The lines are a bit blurred for the rest of our time together as I know He doesn't always want to be "Sir".

I also wanted to cuddle the heck out of Him, the entire time. There was this need to be in physical contact. I mentioned that I would have been happy to have spent the entire day snuggled in bed with Him. That damn "someday" appeared, but for once I was happy. Because it's something I really want to do and knowing He wants it too is heartwarming.

Upon rereading my previous post, I realized my writing style is dissimilar to many of the bloggers I follow. I don't detail our exchanges, as if telling an erotica story. Give an overview? Sure. Puzzle over emotional/physical responses? You bet!

Nothing I would write could ever compare to the moments we share. Even my memories can't do that time justice, as I'm often "drunk" via subspace. Sir could probably give a much more accurate/interesting view...

*ponders* Since I can rarely convince Him to write in His own space...maybe I can convince Him to do a guest posting.

My sleeping patterns have been thrown off since the return to my own home. My bed is too big and He's not there cuddled up against me. I'm hooked after one night; I don't want to sleep without Him. We'll find a way to make it happen, and soon. ^_^