Something Unexpected

Mmmmm! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!!!

Can that just be my post?? Lol

It began with me giggling evilly. Sir wanted to know why. Oh just thinking naughty thoughts. He wanted specifics. So I sent a few thoughts, which I guess turned Him on. That led to us hanging out today, and among other things. :-D

One of my kinky desires has been to be taken up the ass with no lube, no stretching. Just being possessed. The blogs I've read have not helped this matter because I've read numerous accounts of that very thing. If I'm honest, it was one of those things that scared me, even as it excited me. In my silly, twisted mind that made me want it all the more.

So what was it like? Painful. Obvious, I know. After about a minute or so, my body yielded. That sense of surrealism when endorphins are rushing through my body. The push of pain only heightening pleasure. The surrender. I was simply His to take and use, knowing I asked for it. Pulled out in a whisper, but I did ask.

What happened today was not what I expected. Not just with the anal sex, and believe me that was very unexpected. There was a lot of foreplay and possession going on. I felt wanted and desired in a way that sparked the very core of who I am. It wasn't what He did, but how. The passion, the playfulness. The peace that filled me for a few hours. Moments beyond words.

He made a comment, during the end of our time together, about how we needed to spend time together without being all over each other. I basically replied: I'm a sexual creature. Take it or leave it. But that's not the right answer for it, not really. While it's true in its own right, it's more than that.

I pray the day never comes when seeing Him doesn't make my pulse race and my breath hitch. That I will never get enough of touching and kissing Him, being held in His arms.

Want in on a secret? It would never, ever be that way without everything else we are. He's the one who sees me, truly sees me. We were talking about a person from my past last night, and how my heart has been stifled by fear. Why I'm so suspicious, even now. But truly, He's the one who walks me out of the shadows of my mind. He embraces me just as I am, with understanding and compassion. He opened my eyes to whatever divine path I'm being led down.

When He passes the internal walls that hold everything I keep from the world, as if they don't exist, how could the sexual walls be any different? He says I'm easy, and I say it too. But Sir, only with you, and you earned every ounce of trust, along with the ease of surrender. So if the day would ever come when He doesn't ignite the flames of passion, something much deeper is very wrong.

If the price to pay is the spark of desire that never fades, I'll pay it gladly every day.

So I'm a bitch, am I?

Oh man, apparently I am full of aggressive attitude at the moment. Where did the sweet sub girl go?

For the record, we're fine. We talked some of it out. We'll talk the rest out hopefully some time this week. Somehow we always manage to figure things out, so neither of us is all that worried.

No, someone I know on Fetlife messaged an ex of mine, telling him to "control the bitch".

Well, Hi. You called for a bitch and damn well got one. I showed Lisa everything earlier and she just about died laughing. I've been in a mood lately. I almost said "Good boy" to a friend on Sunday. To which Sir remarked, "And you're sure you're not at all Dominant?" while chuckling.

No, I'm really not. But I can be snarky as heck, especially since it was a dominant guy that I was referring to with my "good boy" comment. I know full well the terminology and it can be amusing to engage dominants at their own game.

I guess that makes me a terrible submissive. Sir will just have to love me anyway. ;-)

Speaking of Lisa and Sir actually, we're getting together along with Lisa's hubby on Saturday. Going to the renn faire. Should be lots of fun! :)  Sir hasn't met them yet, which is surprising I know. It should be interesting. Hopefully everyone will like everyone else.

Lisa has been giving me a daily countdown for our little getaway trip. Gotta love that woman and how silly she is at times. Spa time, luxurious jacuzzi in the room, beautiful garden and grounds in the most perfect weather. Dinner that evening at a french restaurant. Dessert and wine delivered to the room. Breakfast delivered to the room the next morning. We really spared no detail for a girly getaway.

My diet will be a bit out the window but one night won't harm anything. I've lost 14 pounds, 5 inches from my hips, another 4 from my thighs, and a couple inches everywhere else. I'm fairly certain I'm gaining muscle mass, which is why the pounds don't seem near as significant as the inches lost. Considering I'm far more concerned about the inches, I can most certainly live with that.

That's about all that's going on. While I'm not in a dominant mindset, I truly am far away from the submissive spectrum. Maybe with all things considered, it's a good thing for the present time. It's not like that side has been needed lately. I don't mean anything bad by that comment. It is what it is. If Sir wants my submissive side out, He knows how to coax that from me.

Frustrations

In my last post, I mentioned how He's going to Indiana in October. Earlier this afternoon He told me the dates for when He'll be gone. If you had already guessed, like myself, that He'd be gone for my birthday--you get a cookie. I'm still not angry. Even though I truly expected this outcome, the intensity of the initial stab of pain was surprising. But I'll get over it. We'll still celebrate both of our birthdays, even if not on the actual days.

I have a hate/please-just-go-away relationship with my birthday. It has a habit of being a terrible reminder of how lonely I am. I consider those average birthdays. The bad ones have consisted of funerals, being robbed, and being evicted from my apartment. That Sir is going to be a few states away is setting this birthday to still be above par compared to prior birthdays. Which as depressing as all of that sounds, my best birthday in many years was last year. Sir played a large role in that. I know He'll do something sweet to make up for the fact that He won't be there on the actual day.

"Begin Murderous Rampage Now" Yes please!! LOL

Honestly, I did vent my frustration to the best friend. That's what best friends do, lol. She offered to do something with me on the actual day of my birthday. But see, I actually do have something going on that day. Two of my friends are getting married to each other. I hadn't mentioned it to Sir yet, as it was still far off, but I had hoped to bring Him with me. So much for that, heh.

I likely will take the best friend up on her offer though, but for the following day. She already knew that Sir wasn't going to be around for His own birthday. Her husband travels for work on a regular basis so she can completely relate. We were talking about how I have a technical four day window to celebrate His birthday with Him, with the reality being two days.

Oh yeah, surprise! When I go to visit the BF in our home state, we end up at the shore with several friends, as I'm only able to see these people a few times a year. The sole week all summer that worked for everyone was June 15th to the 22nd. So He'll be gone for a week and a half only for me to leave as soon as He gets back.   *sigh*  

It's just a whole bunch of frustration that life is getting in the way. Nothing is inherently bad; it's all a matter of timing. Most of which (or possibly all) can't really be helped. I needed to vent because I was really nice to Sir. I was not about to start a fight or an argument. There was no point. And I'm truly not angry. These are simply situations where I'm not going to win and I have to accept that.

So now, I'm going to grab more coffee and write. My main character needed to be frustrated anyway so I can better get into her head. That's what optimism looks like, right??

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:

You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.

I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

The First Unmentionable...Lot of Firsts Actually!!

I came across this in my drafts folder.

Figured it was about time to share.

I don't know when y'all will see this...it's from the post all the way back here. I'm assuming it'll be quite a long time before I'm allowed to post this. See what I did there? Not allowed to post about it. Whether He sees it or not, He does act like my Dom quite often.

Anyway, I'm writing this the next day from that post I linked. Why? Because if I don't write about it now, I won't remember all the wonderful details.

*swoon*

So, I'm apparently terrible at seducing. Okay that's not really true. I didn't know if I should try to seduce Him. I was also fighting back a low point at that given moment.

I find out later that He likes making the sub admit what she wants. Sadist! He knows that I struggle saying things out loud. That was half the point. Then when I wanted to beg, He had me gagged!! But I'll get to that.

So we went to church then lunch. The shift happened at lunch. I was behaving, I swear. Then He...He did something silly. I'm debating admitting it. He had ordered a cheesecake. Let me tell you that was one of the best I've had. It was super fluffy. He mimicked dabbing it on Himself like cologne. Saying, "Now I'm irresistible" or something of that sort.

Why yes, you are...mmmmm!

*shakes head* Sorry about that I drifted off for a second. See what I mean? It's so easy for Him to turn me into a sex kitten.

We went back to His place, curled up on the couch, started watching the first episode of Chuck. It's one of His favorite shows. The inner sex kitten wanted to play. I also wanted to respect boundaries.

I was making it very well known that I wanted to play. If He didn't want to, then all He had to do was say so. My feelings would not have been hurt because frankly I knew part of Him was hesitant about doing anything.

We were kind of cuddling. I was giving Him looks. (This is when He told me I was bad at seducing...I wasn't really trying damn it! Next time, just you wait Sir! Though likely next time will be before y'all even read this...) 

I kissed Him...let me be clear, I do not like making the first move. Because of consent issues and stuff. I make things known and it's up to the other person. They can decide what to do with that. But no, I had to kiss Him first.

I do love the way He kisses, truly. He kissed back. Then things escalated, rather quickly. We were in His bedroom. I was being undressed by Him. Mmmm let me tell you that was HOT!!

I think He said something like, "If I'm going to, I want to see what I have to play with."

YUM! *melts*

He had me lay out on the bed. He inspected me, which frankly is something that hits my slut and humiliation buttons. I'm sure I was blushing quite red! Up my legs, over my stomach, my breasts. Turned me over and repeated the process. He had my hands at my side, to stay put there.

He pulled my hair. He asked, "So you think you can tell me what to do?"

Nononono! Not at all!!

But of course I was gagged. He said, "You're smiling. You like this, don't you?"

Lots of furious nodding of approval there!!

There was a belt. Oh let me tell you, I LOVE the belt. I'd not experienced one before during play. I am a fan!!! I got that across my chest, specifically my nipples. Then a bit on my stomach. He loved focusing on my pussy with that delicious instrument.

Then I was on my stomach again...oh did that happen first?? All I know is my ass got a lovely taste of that belt too! Mmmmm! Something else too. I was too out of it to notice. It was thuddy and yummy though!

I ended up on hands and knees. He was playing with my pussy. Fingering it. I know He ordered me to cum once. "Cum for me, now." and I did, believe me!!

There was an earlier orgasm I got permission for. I know He was playing with my clit and fingering me. I think I was on my back. The order is all sorts of screwy in my head, but I'm sure y'all understand completely!

While I was on all fours, He first fucked me. The angle was off though. It wasn't His fault. The way I'm tilted inside, it can be difficult to find a good angle from behind. But when it works, it's really damn good. Something we'll have to work on...if we haven't already...I think my bed with Him standing would work better. Anyway...

He flipped me over at that point. Nearly bent me in half and sank deep inside of me.

WOW!!!!!

It was awesome. He was awesome!! The way He was in me, He was hitting my g-spot. He was watching me, as I was moaning around the panties He gagged me with. I'm sure He caught all the eye widening.

I wanted to beg in that moment...a lot during all of it really. But being gagged with specific orders? I couldn't. I wanted to touch Him. I wanted to beg for pain. I wanted to tell Him all the things that I keep buried deep within me.

And I couldn't. He had ordered my hands above my head and I damn well left them there. No way was I disobeying. He wanted me exactly as I was and I was content to remain that way.

I fucked Him back as much as I could. Which frankly wasn't much in that position. However, I could do much with my muscles in my pussy. I could tell He enjoyed that, a lot. Hee hee!

He had His orgasm...damn well pleased about that. Love helping a guy orgasm! The sub in me does a happy dance for that. We wanted a round two...likely more than that. But we actually had to get to an event in half an hour.

He told me as we were walking to His car that I had a victory walk going. Damn right I did! I had gotten laid for the first time in god only knows how long. It was some of the best sex I'd ever had. I had sex with the man I'm in love with.

I smelled like Him and didn't give a damn. It's been 24 hours and I still smell Him on me. I love that!

So yes, this was all the "unmentionables"...I'm sure I forgot a few minor moments. But that's the gist of it.

Waiting and Wondering

I'm out of town and will be for a while. I miss Sir already, though it's been nice where I am. So vague, I know.

I don't know how often I'll be posting but I will be checking in and reading others blogs as much as possible.

There's been some stress already, but that's from back home issues. It seems to have sorted itself out until I can deal with it upon my return. Sir is worried, the BF is worried...I'm optimistic and hopeful. We'll see how it all plays out.

Speaking of them...maybe they aren't so bad at figuring things out after all???

The BF may be more dominant than I suspected. More accepting, especially of Sir. Had moments of poignant reflection, including of making things work because if total possession isn't possible, then my happiness is the next best thing. Might have some more long term potential than I would have guessed too.

As for Sir, we had a conversation before I left. I wasn't too thrilled with it, even if I understood His intentions. Maybe He can be accept things as they stand for the long haul as well. But that's a conversation for another time, many months down the road.

If they're willing to try...I sure as hell I willing to give it a go and do what I can to make things run as smoothly as possible.

We'll just have to wait and see...

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.

Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.

[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 

If you say so, heh.

I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 

I don't ever plan to leave.

Do you mean that the way I do?

How do you mean it?

I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.

I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.

What It All Means

I knew I wouldn't like that conversation, though for not the reasons I expected. Too many thoughts racing around my mind. Trying to make sense of them.

We give a lot of ourselves in TTWD, in varying levels. As a sub, I've presented myself on a platter to previous Doms. Not all of me, but large enough portions that I'm still trying to break free of some emotional and mental chains.

Always freely given, even when there was some wrestling in the moment. Because there is no shoving D/s into a box and forgetting it. This is who I am. Those previous relationships, and even the existing chains, let the submissive free. A gateway to understanding myself.

My first Dom was maybe the worst for me. Yet, there's a song he sent me. It's still on my computer. I even listen to it now and then. He got the least of me but he threw open the door. When I'm struggle, and I do sometimes, I listen to that. I recall how I arrived at this point. How innocent I was and how even with the wrong man, submission was still oh-so-right.

I spent a long time fighting and struggling with polyamory. My view of relationships comes from a monogamous perspective and poly is far more complex. What is "normal" is relationship dependent in polyamory. Yet, I find myself trying to fit relationships (okay, one in particular) into the monogamous mold.

Doesn't work like that. I have Sir, a BF, regular play partners, and people I consider a second family who I on occasion play with.

What about that is normal??? In my world, I guess that has become the norm. All that open loving and treating people equaling seems to have expanded my world.

Yet...that doesn't negate the craving for a husband. Where we have that white picket fence with a dungeon in the basement. Children who we idolize. Growing old together...I thought I had found that. I didn't. Crash and burn spectacular. I had given up hope on that traditional life. Told myself I would never live with another partner. That was the fastest way to ruin a relationship...And the desire is still there, haunting me.

I know the ideas aren't contradicting, poly and the happily ever after. Complicated, sure. But I know people who make it work, and do it amazingly well.

There are parts of me I can't change, no matter how much I fight them. I want children. Beautiful little boys and girls. James, Marie, Alexander, Cassandra, and Emily. I want them all and have since I was a young teenager. My dream of a family that I swear sometimes God makes a mockery of, but I keep hoping for it to be a reality one day.

I am poly. Maybe while raising kids, I would focus more on monogamy, or closed poly. I have tried monogamy. I would try again, if I thought it stood a chance of working.

So what does this all have to do with Sir and I? A little bit, but I'll get to that. This is partially where our conversation directed my thoughts. That I may see most or all the pieces of who I am, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put them all together.

That I take our relationship, or whatever else you want to call it, seriously. I handed over my submission to Him. I have every intention of taking Him up on making this "Fetlife official", heh. I take my love for Him seriously, even if I don't know what all it will mean for us.

So, when Sir told me He doesn't want to share me, I took that seriously. Sat with it and pondered. What I would give for His happiness, and still be happy myself. This is what I signed up for, with the D/s. It wasn't all to do with help with orgasms, or a physical attraction to Him. Instead, it meant that I was willing to compromise; to do what I could to make His life happier and more fulfilled.

Because I want Him to be the person who helps me take all the pieces and assemble them into something coherent. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, not yet. But it's not a goal. Just a wish and a dream, like so many I've held close to my heart.

But none of this is what you've been

waiting to hear about...

He said that He may not like sharing me, but He doesn't like exercising either. That doesn't mean it's not something necessary. And He pointed out that He never asked me not to pursue other interests. He wants me to do what will make me happy. Not in relation to anyone else, but for myself. Be a little selfish.

Heh, selfish? Hahaha...Sir, have you met me? Selfish is asking for a commitment beyond the vague "if I say something, then I consider it a promise", once it's possible. I know it's not yet and it is coming soon. But damn I want to show you off. Do happy dances of joy that I can admit to being yours. Selfish is not letting another woman ever touch my Sir, ever again, because I don't want to share you. Because I don't want to ever give you up.

Selfish also isn't me. I am a giver. I am happy making others happy. I don't need much. I have survived with far less than what I have now. This is content. The time I spend with Sir, those are my moments of happiness. Joy and bliss.

Maybe this isn't the explanation that was expected.

That's okay. Never promised anything else.

I've never claimed to be normal, heh.

And y'all can thank Julia for

the song that's at the end of this post.

It's a new favorite. :-)

Where A Wayward Thought Will Lead

Our conversations always end up in intriguing places. Last night was no exception.

I have been very stressed out since around Christmas. The last few days have been a test of my patience. My body is a tense and unpleasant mess. It was too late for a bath last night but I will be soaking in heaven this evening.

Apparently my delicious Sir was highly aroused last night. With the mention of all the stress, He said cuddles were in order...and a beating on Saturday. I love parties! He's normally not that forward with kink so I know His mind was in some wonderfully dark place.

I casually mentioned that I should take a bath today or I won't survive the week. He took that idea and ran with it!  "Mmm, hot bath. That sounds like fun for two."

We bounced around ideas. I've seriously considered renting a hotel room for the night with a large jacuzzi for us to soak and play in. So obviously I told Him this idea. He mentioned we were liable to have several noise complaints.

Unless...we were in a private cabin. Like last summer, where He tempted me for a week to come and visit Him. This was shortly after we met, maybe two weeks later. He wanted me to drive down to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. God only knows what sort of trouble we would have gotten into, LOL!

"Well, if we wanted real fun, find a secluded cabin, not just a skiing one. I'd hold you captive for a week."

*shivers* "I think we need to make this happen." :)

So, at some point expect to see us vacationing in the middle of nowhere, in a cabin all to ourselves. I will be His helpless captive, and He'll be my tormenting kidnapper.

And I'm not thorough or anything...by looking at cabin prices in our state as well as a few other local states...Of course I found one that I really like that is very reasonably priced. Which is only a three hour drive away, with a full kitchen and inside jacuzzi.

There's another cabin site about 5 minutes down the road. Where we could get a jacuzzi and private hot tub. Decisions, decisions. The jacuzzi is better in the first place, but a hot tub is appealing. I'll have to send Him all the details about those cabins and the general location. See if He approves. :-D

I'm texting Sir now; He is greatly amused. Also, He agreed that a long weekend is doable. Need to ask what His definition of a long weekend is. Tentatively aiming for late August or September. The rates are the best for warm weather. It also gives us plenty of time to work out the details.

Honestly, the initial searching was more an instant curiosity. See how much a cabin in the middle of nowhere would set us back. The ones in our state are more expensive than I expected. For the same distance of driving (we live in a decently large state, near the southern end of it), we could go to another state and spend half the money. Plus it's a new place we can explore!

Though I do wonder how much we'll be leaving the cabin hee hee hee. He comes up with the best ideas, even if semi-unintentionally.

When He Says the Right Thing

I'm torn whether He said the hottest or sweetest thing to me last evening. Without context, it doesn't make a lot of sense. So bear with me as I detail the conversation:

me: Oh dear, there may be interesting convos happening tonight. I have mentioned [people I'm with]'s interest in me. It's getting brought up again heh.

Him: Heh, nice. You seem to be quite popular.

Yeah, I know :P problem is people want sex. And I don't, not with anyone but you.

Heh. You have a lot more to offer than just that.

I know...and I don't mind kink play. But for [people I'm with], kink and sex are intertwined...and I said I would wait. I meant that. Sex is off limits for anyone else. That's my decision to make, and one I plan to stick with.

I am quite popular. People would be thrilled to have me as a partner. Kink, sexual, emotional or otherwise. I'm well aware of those people. Yet none of it matters. Like it or not, I picked you. Which means everyone else can take a number, for if/maybe when I'm available.

This following is what this post has been leading up to...

Well, if I have anything to say about it, they'll be waiting a very long time.

*swoon*  *sighs happily*

Yeah, that's all I have been able to think about since. :)

Totally hot, in that it makes me want to pounce Him and have lots of wild sex. I just want to be all over His body.

Sweet too, since it makes me want to cuddle up in His arms all protected and owned.

Funny how just one line can have such an impact on me.

When words fail me

Phrases He said over the last 24 hours:

"It couldn't have been anyone but you."

"It's a when, not an if."

"You're an answer to a prayer...

which means that my belief now is partially because of you."

The "when" bit is interesting. That's apparently what He's been operating based off for quite some time. I was still stuck in the land of "if" which now makes all of our miscommunication understandable.

I have no idea how to handle the "answer to a prayer" part. I have no comment; just a mixture of awe and stunned silence.

He's said much more than those. So much more. Hinted at dozens of things. Wanting me to meet more of His friends. Integrating me into His life.

I'm overloaded...overwhelmed.

A mixture of relief and joy. And maybe a little bit of: "Omg, He's serious..."

Bad Behavior

I feel downright terrible about last night. Apparently suppressing emotions doesn't end well.

All that pain, anger, frustration came to the surface. He said I was malevolent in nature.

I slapped Him while out at the bar...across the face. Not hard or for real...but I did. As soon as I did, I had an "OMG what did I just do??" moment.

I felt terrible last night but now that I'm sober, there's so much guilt and general horrible feelings.

And He was so sweet to me too.

He diffused the malevolence and overall bad mood. (well to some extent I guess, because I slapped Him after that...)

Even after all this unfolded, the man gave me two orgasms and then let me have His cum.

Then we spent another twenty talking and kissing.

He is too good to me. Especially after my horrible behavior. It was uncalled for, as it presented itself.

I just apologized again to Him, now that I'm sober and the reality of my actions and behavior has hit me.

*sighs*  I'm hoping my bad head space is now gone and I can go back to being His cute kitten again.

Bittersweet

I know what happened last night isn't my fault, but I feel partially responsible.

If I hadn't come over...

If it had been a different day...

If I had been more aware and conscious of surroundings...

*sighs*

I hope He's doing a bit better today. He seemed to be doing better a few hours after I left. We'd been texting. I was trying to offer the same support He's given me 1,000 times. I hope it was good enough.

It had been such a good day too. Vanilla(ish...because a blow job in the kitchen isn't really vanilla, lol). We'd been making soup. Watching Thor and Iron Man 2. Yep, He's slowly showing me the movies that lead up to the Avengers. Don't worry, I ask Him to. :-P

I did get lots of snuggles and cuddles. I enjoy being wrapped up in His arms. It's a very safe place to be.

No real kink, which He did warn me that there might not be. Which was fine.

The power exchange has gotten put on the back burner for now. Neither of us are in the right head space for it.

I'm sure it won't be too long...but there's no pressure either. I want Him to be okay again.

I have a few ghosts from the past to shake off myself.

Heh, on a happier note to end this...we were sitting on the couch, cuddled close. He offhandedly mentioned that He reads this every day.

*waves at Him*  Hi! ^_^

The Power of Words

Language is far more powerful than I think we give it credit for.

American English (in everyday speech) also misuses words to such an extent that communication is bound to be stifled.

Words are windows into the mind. While I may ramble and rant, my words are mostly chosen with precision. How I lay out a post is intentional.

Sometimes I am less formal and more free writing. Others, each word is very specific and laden with meaning.

My previous post was spur of the moment. It was messy.

It's still accurate. I would not change any word in it. Because I was speaking from an emotional standpoint, whereas I normally filter it through with reasoning and a rational perspective.

Or I attempt to, at least. I'll admit my reasoning can be skewed at times.

Under that post, He posted a comment. It was sweet and well-meaning.

There's also the word "obsessive."

He regretted it as soon as He got my reaction. He wanted to replace the comment without that word because He saw how much it hurt me.

The word is there, whether y'all see it or not.

We talked about it last night. It was a poor word choice.

And I'm crying again. Damn it...

He called Himself a "ponce." And an "insensitive dolt."

It had been a rough night on me already. People not taking a situation seriously, including Him. It really got under my skin and I had to be a hard-ass.

It's just a word. One He doesn't even view negatively. I do though. I'm trying to not let it get to me, truly. But obviously it's wormed its way into my mind.

This post and all its words are important. I do not blame Him. I would never blame Him for something like that.

The reason it hurts is because it's not entirely untrue. I want to believe my feelings for Him are in a healthy context. But the word "obsessive" comes with a lot of negative emotional baggage.

Right now, I'm trying to stop it from fracturing the trust and connection between us. A misplaced word shouldn't have that power but the implications struck my heart, hard. Hopefully the rest of His well chosen words can mend that ache.

The Unexpected and Some Sweetness

He had me grinning like crazy last night. I think I had Him smiling a lot too.

Work had stressed Him out and I sat listening. Being the support He needed in that moment.

We talked about the somewhat surprise I got earlier yesterday. One of my best friends, she has an almost 20 month old son. When they're that young, months seem more accurate than years. She is going to need surgery. Nothing terrible, but it's in her reproductive system. If all goes well, she'll be a lot healthier and her body won't be screwed up anymore.

She's changing her Will. She asked me yesterday, if anything happened, would I take care of her son...of course I would! I love her and her son. I could never deny either of them help if it was within my power. It changes everything though.

Heh, I told Him it made me feel more of an adult than buying a house did. He said, "I think you'd do a great job :)" and I know he means it. Just a bit overwhelming. Chances are my friend will be fine. She's fairly young and has a lot of will power in her. This surgery is to make her life easier, not a necessity. She's in good health otherwise. It's just a matter of making sure things are taken care of, which I completely understand.

Then I just virtually curled up with Him for the rest of the night and stayed that way. I would stay curled up with Him all the time, if I could. He's a tall, big guy: 6'4 and a strong build. I'm a foot shorter than Him, lol. To say that I would feel totally safe and protected is an understatement.

Strange as it may sound, all I would want is to be held by Him. Feel His arms wrapped around me. Maybe ruffle His hair. I'm kind of in lust with His hair. *pet pet* ha ha ha! This is why He finds me adorable and cute. :)

Jeez, I'm smiling and grinning again. He told me last night that He likes making me grin. I like it too! ^_^ He's super sweet, adorable, caring...He says He's just being Himself. That's my point. When He lets His guard down, He's just a bundle of sweetness. It's one of the things I adore about Him.

Now we need to find some time for just us so we can cuddle properly! Because this soft and warm woman is craving His embrace. :)