DD and BDSM

I read a variety of blogs, though I tend to avoid sexually driven ones. I like my erotica, no doubt about that. Simply that's not what I come to blogger to read so you'll often find me on the more thought-provoking spectrum. In my wanderings, I've come across Domestic Discipline and follow blogs that practice it, as well as those who are trying to find their way with it.

Y'all may not like hearing this, but I see very little difference between the relationships of those involved in BDSM and DD. Granted, there are a few key differences but at the heart of the matter we're all people trying to find happiness in unconventional, though similar, ways. (I've seen the unspoken divide that exists between BDSM based relationships and DD ones. But we cover it up with the label TTWD)  That's why I find myself drawn to the individuals in whatever relationship they may have or are working towards, no matter what the label is--including the lack thereof. While the DD ones may be less sadomasochistic, and view the reasons why They Do What They Do for sometimes completely different reasons, the spirit of both kind of relationships are spot on to each other. Every blog I read revolves around love and power.

I am a member of my local BDSM community. I have friends who range in their variety of kink from around the globe. Let me tell you, no relationship looks identical. For instance, Lisa and her husband would more likely come across as DD if I tried to explain them to you. Except for the fact that their relationship has nothing to do with a HoH or a tiH. They also have their own set of personal kinks, yet the relationship has many similar underlying points in common with DD.

Where Sir and I fall when talking about labels is bit hard to explain. Partially because we sit at the edges of what could be and partially because I've yet to come across the appropriate words. He's not a traditional dominant personality. He would mirror more the HoH's than the typical Dom you'd find in a local BDSM community. Then again, I look about as far away from the typical submissive as one could get. I am very much a masochist. I like the pain. I can get off from Sir hitting me with toys, and have done so quite happily. So I don't quite fall under the DD realm either.

I've been unhappy in BDSM relationships for this very reason. The basic framework doesn't make me happy. Even the deviations away from it don't really do it for me. I have too much of a mouth on me. Not that I'm disrespectful in any way. I see past the games Doms and subs play. I don't play along and make it known that I don't. That I'm more than just submissive makes it more difficult to have a readily available label to describe who I am, even more so to describe what Sir and I are.

Okay, let me see if I can explain this a little clearer. From what I understand of DD relationships, limited as it may be, the focus is on bringing together the relationship using tools that aid communication and correct behavior. The physical punishment is a way to recognize and address improper behavior, followed up with dialogue as to why it's happening. It's not kinky and that's a vast difference. There is a distinct power exchange though and it is done out of mutual love and respect.

Punishment for those in BDSM relationship is still part of the kink because it falls under the D/s, M/s part of the relationship. That doesn't mean the punishment will necessarily turn-on either person. That's not productive punishing. Regardless, there is kinky behavior beyond punishments. Whether it's sadomasochistic in nature or a variety of other sexual kinks, it's a means to finding gratification. That is crucial to the BDSM relationship in a way that I've not seen existing in a DD relationship. The power exchange is often more obvious in these kind of relationships. Love is most of the time present (love being not necessary for some BDSM relationships), though it can be a little harder to find at first glance.

While not mutually exclusive, DD does seem to focus on the emotional aspects of the relationship which seem to be separate from the sexual lives of its participants while BDSM relationships are based more on the stimulating reactions via fetishes and kinks, whether physical or mental. There is obviously crossover but I don't think I'm wrong in suggesting that's how the majority of those relationships are played out.

Sir and I find ourselves somewhere in between. I think that's why I like the blogging community so much, as we're not alone in this regard. Our local BDSM is very physical, very fetish oriented and I know that is the norm across the US. There's nothing wrong with that but it's not us.

For us, it's almost as if someone took a BDSM relationship and blended it with DD. When Sir has me work toward being productive towards personal growth and healing, He doesn't do it as my Dom. When He takes me to task for not taking the best physical care of my health, it's not as my Dom. However, He's not speaking as just a friend either. He tells me exactly what I need to hear, probably unconsciously using the "powerful voice"  to let me know what the realistic options and outcomes are. He always ultimately leaves the decision up to me because He'll never force me to do anything.

Sir doesn't let the issue go though. Oh no, that would be too easy. As long as the issue is present, He'll continue to tell me everything I most likely don't want to hear. Everything that I need to hear until I make good decisions for myself. It doesn't help that He's right about what I need.

Not to mention that I use masochism in a similar way to DD relationships use maintenance. Pain is pleasurable for me, yes. It does so much more for me than that. It resets me and quiets the chaos of my mind. It is a healthy, productive, loving way to take a break from reality. When I come down from that high, I'm able to face the world with a calm and strength that I normally don't have. When we scene with pain, I'm less likely to fight Sir on good decision making.

When I go too long without it, everything becomes more difficult and I wander from the power exchange. I start doubting and it gives the depression a foothold into my mind. With the power exchange, love, and a little pain, I'm able to be a much happier, stable me.

This is why I've found my way to both BDSM and DD blogs. Because each group, and all those who fall somewhere along each end of the spectrum, speaks to the blossoming and growing relationship between us. I may not always understand either side completely, but seeing the variety of what people do to make their relationships work, allows me to better understand my wants, needs, and desires.

Date Night--The Overview

The movie was excellent. I highly recommend seeing it. There's something to be said for having seen Iron Man 1 and 2, Thor, Captain America, The Avengers, and now Iron Man 3 that the series is still incredibly interesting. Thor 2 is coming out in the fall and I can not wait. The movie preview was a wonderfully, terrible tease. Add in what Sir thinks they'll be doing with Iron Man for the future, I await anxiously to see what comes next.

I am not a movie person, at all. For me to be this interested in a movie series, it indicates how truly well done the movies are. Though there was a moment during the movie where I must have turned 6 shades of red. One of the minor characters was annoying the hell out of me. Before I realized what I was doing, I yelled, "Just turn it around!!!"  Thankfully there was only one other person in the theater besides us. Sir about died, I think with laughter. And that's why I should watch movies in a private residence, so I can yell at people for doing stupid things.

Dinner was excellent in my opinion. It was nice to catch up and talk. Work is driving Sir to exhaustion. They need to hire more people, which will hopefully be happening soon. I found out He'll be out of town the first week of June for work training. By out of town I mean He'll be getting on a plane and flying several hours away. Different time zones and all that. It's good because well it's work related. Doesn't mean I have to like Him being so damn far away. At least it's only for a week and hopefully the time will pass quickly.

Back to the movie, my ankle decided to be a pain, literally. Fighting back waves of nausea is not really the best way to enjoy a movie. I was overheating and not doing terribly well at all. But there was nothing to be done about it so I stuck it out. Sir was good in helping how He could. It started to feel like hell when I took a shower. I may have done more damage considering how much it hurt. But I stuck it out and enjoyed the movie anyway.

So that was our exciting, vanilla evening lol. We're pretty vanilla most of the time. The kinkiest it got was when Sir said, "What am I going to do with you?"  in an exasperated tone because my body doesn't work properly and I may not take the best care of it when injured. Oh Sir, there's lots to do with and to me. But I'm still up for hiking once I'm better. Get a good work out in for both of us while enjoying nature. I used to hike all the time, though I have a hard time imagining Sir in the woods. This should be interesting...or hilarious. Possibly both. :-D

His weekend is going to be incredibly busy. I'll be attending a college graduation on Sunday and going to a munch later in the day. Not too much else interesting. Maybe we'll have something good for you all next week. :)

A Story Of The Past

The following is a story

from what seems like a lifetime ago.

There once was a handsome young man with big ideas and a bigger heart. Through common friends he met a young woman unlike any other. For months their friendship grew. Then one day, everything changed. Their eyes locked and hands that always kept a respectable distance met. From that moment, she knew and he knew the truth; they had fallen for each other.

Yet it was still months later when they could deny themselves no longer. They fell in love hard and fast. He adored her, with her wild nature and "do as I will" attitude. She saw his innocence and was given hope that the world wasn't as bad as she always assumed.

He found the strength to be all that was possible. She found the path to living in peace and happiness. For the next year, they found absolute joy together. They gave each other all that they had. He opened her mind to kink and BDSM, and she walked eagerly down that path with him. Together they explored all that flesh had to offer, with many thrills along the way. It was a power exchange based on and fueled by mutual love and devotion.

Their families met and became involved with one another. He brought her to Christmas dinner. His younger sister adored her, was the happiest for them. They talked about the future and their own family one day. Four or five children running amok. The first boy would share his name. The first girl would be named after her mother. They made plans for years into the future.

It was spring time when she noticed the difference in him. He was distant, reserved, less involved in their relationship. As spring turned to summer, the distance was vast. She barely saw him anymore; she no longer felt like his priority. Still she loved him with all her heart. She believed they would always find their way together.

Until July when he dropped a bombshell on her. He was intrigued by someone else, an old friend where the friendship was rekindled. He thought they should "take a break". Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Except he had been distant, didn't he see that? She loved him all the same, was devoted to him and their relationship. Wounded, she hurt him back without thinking about the consequences. That if he was done, they should simply end it completely. He cried out that this path wasn't what he wanted, but she no longer believed him.

They didn't talk for a month until they ran into each other one day. For the next few weeks, they had long conversations about themselves and the relationship they left unfinished. She pretended she had moved on and he did the same. He met a woman, a common friend. They were good together, and the common friend was kind to her continuing heart ache. The love was still so clear, so obvious on both sides.

The next summer, they met for lunch one day and to see a movie. Instead, they talked for hours. Neither had found happiness elsewhere. He still loved and wanted her. She would have given him everything. Yet they weren't the same people anymore. The sudden loss of love and joy had warped them both. And so, they remained only friends.

Until he grew distant once more, and broke her heart completely when he permanently walked out of her life. It shattered the last of her hope, the last of her dreams. She no longer wanted to be in love, for what she knew and clung to no longer existed. She couldn't try again, only to be hurt. So she wrapped herself up in her pain and hid from the world.

For years, her lovers never knew her. She had built too many walls, constructed too many masks. She spent too many years in doomed relationships, stumbling from one to the next. Terrible relationships that nearly destroyed her in different ways. Not caring about the path she walked. That was until she finally got over him. She realized that his withdraw wasn't her fault. She was only hurting herself by denying another chance at honest and real love. It took another year for her to resemble the person she used to be.

Suddenly she looked around at her life. She had great friends, a loyal boyfriend, a not-so-right Dom that needed to be dealt with, and there was this new man. One who caught her interest from the first day. She faced a crossroad. Would she retreat yet again, or would she chance getting hurt by seeing where these feelings would lead? Could she be honest and keep no secrets?

Even though she told herself that she shouldn't, the man overshadowed the relationships in her life. Those honest feelings reemerged. She fought it, struggling against what felt too right. In time she stopped resisting and let things occur as they would. She let herself fall in love and be loved in return. Once more, she knew happiness and joy.

This is a story without a true ending

because we're in the middle of it.

The continuation is every entry of this blog.

Asking For Help

I came home Saturday evening. Exhausted, worn out, glad to be back. Things didn't quite go as planned on the last day.

I was giving the monster a bath on Friday afternoon. When I carried him into the master bedroom to dry him off, my right ankle gave out on me. I could barely put my weight on it, let alone be able to carry the monster down and up the stairs.

I sent Sir a text, freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. He offered His assistance, but made me expressly ask for help. I did notice that, heh. He was a god send. Excellent with the monster and was exactly what I needed.

Not only did He help with the monster, He took excellent care of me. I asked that He stay the night. If something happened in the night, I didn't want to be alone and injured. I also didn't know how I'd be the next morning. It was a good call on my part. Especially since I had bashed the back of my head against cabinets a few hours earlier. Apparently I didn't make that clear until the next morning. I did say that I only bumped my head so the error was on my end. Sir was "incredulous" that I don't take better care of myself. It was no wonder I was overheating and feverish.

I received a lecture for that. Sir made it known that I overdo and wear myself out. That it wasn't acceptable.  I couldn't help anyone if I always gave too much of myself. Before He left Saturday morning, He asked for all that needed to be done. He did everything necessary, telling me I wasn't to do anything else. My job was to take care of myself and rest. I tried to verbally resist. He countered by making the line very clear.

It had two interesting effects. My "little" made an appearance. I typically keep that far from Him, but head injuries have this habit of lowering my walls and defenses. He handled it well though. And I did explain what happened so He wouldn't think I had lost my mind, heh. It was only one aspect of my personality that came through in our time together. Sometimes I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Avoiding head injuries would help that. The other effect was that I did take care of myself. I have been ever since. I knew He was right. Plus, He gave me an explicit line not to cross so I haven't done so.

Friday night and Saturday morning were not all business though. Once the monster was in bed, Sir and I enjoyed time together. He ordered in for us, yummy Chinese food. Then we watched a silly, fun movie called "Galaxy Quest." We crashed for the evening after that. Both of us were exhausted, more than ready to sleep.

The next morning, after taking care of the pups and the monster, we crawled back into bed until a little after 10 am, sleeping on and off. Yes, we did have some fun for ourselves. But mainly we cuddled and talked. About chakras, energy play, energy blockages that block natural flow. I talked and cried. He did His best to help heal some old wounds.

We talked about us. Things unsaid, the uncertain future, how even if romance wasn't in our future that he'd always be in my life. I said I didn't think I could handle that. He disagreed saying that if it happened, we'd both be prepared for it. This prompted a story. It'll be up tomorrow for you to read. Because He only became part of my life fairly recently, there's a lot He doesn't know. There's a lot that I'm just now realizing and figuring out. I'll have a post ready for after the story to provide explanation and insight.

We spoke of other, private topics. Of conversations that need to happen, but not yet. I think parts were lost in translation. Maybe the story and following explanation will help clarify matters.

Since Wednesday though, we've been doing really good. We've resumed connecting. I felt comfortable to turn to Him again. I did so without hesitation on Friday. If I've learned anything, and if this is meant to work out in the end, we're the kind of people who will find a way.

Setback and Play This Weekend

I hurt my back, somehow. I honestly I have no idea what I did. But it's been a lot of sharp pain. Took a hot bath which seemed to have helped. Normally when I hurt myself (I swear it doesn't happen as nearly as often nowadays), I rest and relax until I feel alright again. It's not a big deal. These things happen with age, lol.

But on Saturday, there's a big community play party. One of the groups rented out a space. There will be 65-70 people, most of whom I do know. I had plans to play with this cute young thing. She's very sweet and unfortunately will be moving in a few weeks.

Not to mention that this would be a fantastic chance for Sir and I to play. I think He enjoys showing me off. There's no way I'll be able to manage any kind of play if I'm not doing better by then. I could still watch but really that's not nearly as much fun!! I'd like to see Sir be able to play, regardless of how I'm doing. I'll admit to being curious about watching Him in action.

Plus, given how often I get the chance to play with others, it's only fair that He takes advantage of the opportunity to play freely. As long as He's happy and enjoying Himself, I'm happy. :)

So we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!!

Sir is away this week for job related reasons. I was going to be on the receiving end of something fun, interesting, and kinky. I found this out right after I told Him that my back was bothering me something awful. My body is looking to ruin all of my fun this week! I can't kneel or bend or extend my arms or lift anything remotely heavy or twist my body. You don't realize how much you depend on your back for everything until it starts to hurt.

Other than this minor setback, we're good. I convinced Sir to come over some time to help me paint. See, my distractions give us a reason to spend time together! I've been busy picking out colors. And no, I won't be painting with my back as it is. I know better. It'll be in May when I decide to do a painting day. It'll be a nice vanilla project to do together. :)