Pleasant Surprises

I'm finally home. So glad to be back, even if I have a number of unpleasant things to deal with. There was a change in plans as I should have been home yesterday. Well Chris came to pick me up last week because while I love my car, it is completely unreliable for long distances. Things went from stressed to panicked from Thursday into Friday. Chris barely slept and ended up driving his car into his house. Everyone and everything is fine but it was cause for concern.

When Sir found out about this, He offered to pick me up. The three of us agreed this was for the best. Surprise time with Sir!! I'll take that any day! We had lots of fun on the way back to my house. :-D

He told me He was bringing toys. Oh look, a glass dildo waiting for me in the glove box. Two and a half hours of torment--something to that effect. Even though Sir wanted to keep me on edge without orgasms until Thursday, I'm definitely worn out from the constant slight vibrations and attention with the dildo that completely filled me. Not that I was able to orgasm, just that my body is exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be even more wound up.

Not to mention that Sir found a pull off spot for me to suck Him off. Mmmm! That was delicious. At one point, He grabbed me by my hair and face fucked me. It was glorious, especially when He made me hold my breath as He did that. Of course I was still full with the dildo, moaning like a whore every time He pushed it further inside of me.

But the most interesting part is that Sir has been mindfucking me for months. By months, I mean basically the whole time we've been playing together. See, I've been waiting for Him to find His dominant voice again. Become readjusted to BDSM, D/s, TTWD. Turns out He had already found it, but it looked nothing what I thought it would be. Yeah, yeah I know I've said this same thing to others--possibly have even mentioned it here.

Part of it is that Sir is driven by consent. He always wants my consent, every single time. I knew that and so I thought that's all there was to it. Oh no, not at all!!! No, He loves tormenting me by making me ask for exactly what it is I want. By forcing me to initiate first, He had all the power without actually having power until I gave it to Him.

I do understand. I am not going to be allowed a passive role in our power exchange. If I want it, I have to be willing to meet Him half way, or close enough for Sir to take over. Because once He has the power, He uses every last bit of it. Most of what He has done revolved around messing with my head. Why I never realized that's His flavor of power exchange is beyond me. It was all right there but the pieces never clicked.

There's something brilliant about how He set all of that up. Because as Sir noted, my past has had less of a traumatic influence the more choice He gives me in initiating the power exchange. It's like a light bulb in a closed room. I saw my submission as a light bulb that was constantly on. It's still an accurate description. What I never realized what that the door to the room was closed, access to it being cut off until I open that door.

For Sir, He closes that door every time we're done playing. Always to be invited back in because He respects that as my space. It's part of me and therefore until invited in, He will hover by the door. Sometimes He'll watch the light flare under the door. All my hints for Him to open it, come on in and take control. But I understand now--with where both of us are in regards to consent, this is the way it has to be done.

I still can't believe I didn't see it until now. I knew He could be dominant at times. I never realized what His natural dominance looked like. It is about power and the mind. He is not a traditional Dom, and definitely not a traditional Sadist. Yet I love the mind games, how He loves to torture me. It's frustrating because...heh...it turns me into the wanton slut that we both know I am.

I've never been happier with someone in this kind of relationship. I've known this and I'm beginning to understand the reasons behind it. He's been helping to heal me. When we play, it challenges both of us. He's also FAR more dominant than my mind has given Him credit for. Now that I know what to look for, I have a feeling this will get even more interesting. :)

A Story Of The Past

The following is a story

from what seems like a lifetime ago.

There once was a handsome young man with big ideas and a bigger heart. Through common friends he met a young woman unlike any other. For months their friendship grew. Then one day, everything changed. Their eyes locked and hands that always kept a respectable distance met. From that moment, she knew and he knew the truth; they had fallen for each other.

Yet it was still months later when they could deny themselves no longer. They fell in love hard and fast. He adored her, with her wild nature and "do as I will" attitude. She saw his innocence and was given hope that the world wasn't as bad as she always assumed.

He found the strength to be all that was possible. She found the path to living in peace and happiness. For the next year, they found absolute joy together. They gave each other all that they had. He opened her mind to kink and BDSM, and she walked eagerly down that path with him. Together they explored all that flesh had to offer, with many thrills along the way. It was a power exchange based on and fueled by mutual love and devotion.

Their families met and became involved with one another. He brought her to Christmas dinner. His younger sister adored her, was the happiest for them. They talked about the future and their own family one day. Four or five children running amok. The first boy would share his name. The first girl would be named after her mother. They made plans for years into the future.

It was spring time when she noticed the difference in him. He was distant, reserved, less involved in their relationship. As spring turned to summer, the distance was vast. She barely saw him anymore; she no longer felt like his priority. Still she loved him with all her heart. She believed they would always find their way together.

Until July when he dropped a bombshell on her. He was intrigued by someone else, an old friend where the friendship was rekindled. He thought they should "take a break". Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Except he had been distant, didn't he see that? She loved him all the same, was devoted to him and their relationship. Wounded, she hurt him back without thinking about the consequences. That if he was done, they should simply end it completely. He cried out that this path wasn't what he wanted, but she no longer believed him.

They didn't talk for a month until they ran into each other one day. For the next few weeks, they had long conversations about themselves and the relationship they left unfinished. She pretended she had moved on and he did the same. He met a woman, a common friend. They were good together, and the common friend was kind to her continuing heart ache. The love was still so clear, so obvious on both sides.

The next summer, they met for lunch one day and to see a movie. Instead, they talked for hours. Neither had found happiness elsewhere. He still loved and wanted her. She would have given him everything. Yet they weren't the same people anymore. The sudden loss of love and joy had warped them both. And so, they remained only friends.

Until he grew distant once more, and broke her heart completely when he permanently walked out of her life. It shattered the last of her hope, the last of her dreams. She no longer wanted to be in love, for what she knew and clung to no longer existed. She couldn't try again, only to be hurt. So she wrapped herself up in her pain and hid from the world.

For years, her lovers never knew her. She had built too many walls, constructed too many masks. She spent too many years in doomed relationships, stumbling from one to the next. Terrible relationships that nearly destroyed her in different ways. Not caring about the path she walked. That was until she finally got over him. She realized that his withdraw wasn't her fault. She was only hurting herself by denying another chance at honest and real love. It took another year for her to resemble the person she used to be.

Suddenly she looked around at her life. She had great friends, a loyal boyfriend, a not-so-right Dom that needed to be dealt with, and there was this new man. One who caught her interest from the first day. She faced a crossroad. Would she retreat yet again, or would she chance getting hurt by seeing where these feelings would lead? Could she be honest and keep no secrets?

Even though she told herself that she shouldn't, the man overshadowed the relationships in her life. Those honest feelings reemerged. She fought it, struggling against what felt too right. In time she stopped resisting and let things occur as they would. She let herself fall in love and be loved in return. Once more, she knew happiness and joy.

This is a story without a true ending

because we're in the middle of it.

The continuation is every entry of this blog.

Processing

I was trying to explain myself to Sir over text this morning. I don't think I was very clear so I'm going to try to expand my thoughts here.

I've been processing the weekend. The erotic fantasy we were trying to set up? Well, at least on my end, it comes from a place of wanting to be desired. Being wanted to the point where traditional barriers are broken. It's not about the thrill of a stranger. No, more like having a place and person to belong to.

I was thinking about it early this morning. The fantasy no longer does it for me. Why? Because over the last 8 months, Sir has given me more than I could have ever hoped for. I've never felt so cherished, loved, treasured and wanted.

Even more, He's built up my own self-worth. I feel comfortable in my skin. I have my issues but He's shown me that those don't impact the value of who I am. And He's good at reminding me of that whenever I forget. He's helped me see all the wonderful things about me.

Some of my exes weren't nearly as nice. One had me convinced I could never be a good sub because of the depression. Another tried to convince me that no one but him would ever put up with my physical health issues. Basically I was told I was too much work. That who I am wasn't worth the effort.

Sir has helped me see that all they said is wrong. He's not the only one who has helped me get here but He's definitely been the most helpful. He's accepted me every step of the way. No fantasy, no matter how attractive in theory, could ever compare to the reality.

It's the man who has given me so much that I crave and long for. When He told me that I'm dear to Him, more than anyone has been in a long time...His eyes lit up, a sparkle and a warmth to them. I'm going to start crying again just thinking of it. Happy tears!

What I'm trying to say is He's amazing. Forget all the fantasies. Give me my Sir any day. I love Him. He's better than any fantasy, and unlike a fantasy, He's quite real and very much mine.

I'm still not sure this makes much sense. But maybe this will make a bit more sense to Sir than my earlier texts.

Our Weekend Adventures

Where to begin? We're both quite worn out and very happy. He left this morning as there was laundry to do as well as a meeting later this afternoon. And by leaving this morning, I mean I barely let Him leave at 11:30.

My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!

Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.

Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.

The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.

I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.

We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!

Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.

Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.

It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

What's Important

Sir has agreed to do a guest post...at my not so subtle request. He's so sweet. :-)  So keep an eye out for that in the near future!

Last night was rough on us. I was in a bad place all day which culminated into something ugly by the nighttime. To His credit, He didn't leave me alone to handle it myself. Quite the opposite in fact. I know it couldn't have been easy for Him, especially not being in person.

For us, sex and kink are easy. Seamless. Granted there's a lot of unexplored territory there. However, the power exchange and all this could possibly be will be a cakewalk. His comment sums nicely what we are about:

"That's why I push off sex and kink.

Because they're easy. And they don't take work.

Focusing on what takes work is important, everything else can happen later.

It's why I want you as a person.

Not as someone to fuck or beat

but as a person, a friend."

If anyone is more aware of the damage and its effect, that would be Him. Saw it the day we met and yet continued down this path anyway. I have to admire that, though He'd claim that it's just who He is and what He does.

I'm terrified that the more He sees, the less He'll want me until the day He leaves all together. It's what everyone else has done, or they've ignored it. Abandonment and rejection. Yeah, this kitty has some deep scars, battle wounds from life and love.

Yet I always forget what I just mentioned above: He saw it as soon as we met.

The walls I use to hide myself away have been nothing more than sheer curtains He can brush aside with ease at any time. I even mentioned this in my second post. Nothing He's seen has been a surprise. Instead of pushing me away, He's wanted to pull me close and comfort me.

In a moment of clarity late last night as I was already laying in bed, I wrote Him a letter to His email...okay that's not the whole story. After we said our good nights, I was feeling very lost and concerned. So I looked up and talked to God. Something along the lines of: "I'm supposed to be talking to you again. I could use a little help right now."

Honestly, I was able to be more clearheaded and stable shortly after that. I also didn't want to go to sleep with all that friction between us so I poured my heart out onto the page. I wanted Him to know just how much I appreciate and love Him. Because for all the damaged pieces lined with unhealed scars, I love Him with all my heart.

For Him, and our future, I will walk the path He sets us on. Crawl on hands and knees if need be. No, I'm not talking kink and BDSM. Like I said, those are easy. He wants to help me. He wants to take control and lead. Be the safe place to help me heal and grow.

Okay, I'm splitting hairs by not calling it kink. Because it does sound like a power exchange relationship, does it not? It's the out of the bedroom stuff. The whole package, which is what I always wanted. He wants all of me; the person, not just the fetish. I have to trust and allow Him to do what He needs to do.

Wish me luck on letting go of the last few pieces I hold on tight to!!

Bad Behavior

I feel downright terrible about last night. Apparently suppressing emotions doesn't end well.

All that pain, anger, frustration came to the surface. He said I was malevolent in nature.

I slapped Him while out at the bar...across the face. Not hard or for real...but I did. As soon as I did, I had an "OMG what did I just do??" moment.

I felt terrible last night but now that I'm sober, there's so much guilt and general horrible feelings.

And He was so sweet to me too.

He diffused the malevolence and overall bad mood. (well to some extent I guess, because I slapped Him after that...)

Even after all this unfolded, the man gave me two orgasms and then let me have His cum.

Then we spent another twenty talking and kissing.

He is too good to me. Especially after my horrible behavior. It was uncalled for, as it presented itself.

I just apologized again to Him, now that I'm sober and the reality of my actions and behavior has hit me.

*sighs*  I'm hoping my bad head space is now gone and I can go back to being His cute kitten again.

Our Friendship

Truly He is one of the best friends I've ever had.

That's the level at which we exist most of the time: Friendship.

Not sex or bdsm or our "whatever-you-want-to-call-it" relationship...though on occasion those do arise.

Because of that, a lot of our time together doesn't get brought up here. Mainly because trying to explain the context of things would be time consuming, and likely reveal more about us than either of us are comfortable with.

However, this is one of those exceptions.

Yesterday morning I was really good...until I hit one of the dark spots. The kind where the mind is its own worst enemy. It's a dark place that eats away at happiness and peace. I hope y'all know what I mean by that.

He was there for me. Talked me through the worst of it. How did He put it?

"I will never let you go gently into the dark."

I didn't have to battle it alone. I finally understood many of our past conversations. I am stronger having people around me who truly care about me. He's told me time and time again that He'll always be there for me. Moments like yesterday morning back up His words.

I may be a bit broken and a little fractured but that doesn't change our friendship. He's not going to abandon me, no matter what part of me He sees. He said something super sweet and comforting:

"You get to keep me. 

And even if I go in person you get to keep your memories of me."

I'm used to people leaving and being really shitty on the way out. So often, He's told me that He won't be that way.

Considering the strength of the friendship we have, and are continuing to build...I believe Him.

Cuteness Relative to Anger??

I can not be angry or not-amused around Him. At least not for long. Why?

He thinks it's CUTE!!!

I was giving Him a "I'm not amused look" on Monday. I don't recall the specifics. He was likely being ridiculous. Our guy friend sitting next to Him knew to tread lightly.

But no! He thinks I'm just damn adorable when I'm trying to be angry, stern, mad, frustrated, etc.

It's so infuriating! And not for the reasons you're thinking. He's not poking fun at me and He's definitely not belittling my anger.

He legitimately thinks I look adorable and cute. He wants to pinch my cheeks and tell me just how cute I am.

Which makes me smile...

...grin like a fool...

...sigh in wistful contentment.

He takes all the fun out of being angry! Because then whatever He was doing no longer matters. Suddenly I see Him as all sweet and adorable again.

This is actually a great thing. I'm so well aware of that. Anger, resentment, frustration, etc are terrible things. Those eat away at happiness and peace in one's life. That He can defuse those moments is awesome!

He does have a very sweet, apologetic smile that more than makes up for Him taking the wind out of my sails. It's one of those "I'm sorry, I want to bundle you up in cuddles" smiles.

It's just in that moment, when I'm giving Him a look, it's just damn irritating that He can so easily make it disappear. I don't like being mad at Him either, which that likely helps. And it's never anything major so it's not like we have issues.

Like I said, I can't even remember what He was doing. I think part of Him does like getting under my skin. Sadist! Then being able to just turn off the reaction like a damn switch. That's the Dom in Him. Playing me like a well tuned instrument.

Damn Him for making me enjoy it too! :-P  Because smiling contently after being angry is much better than just smiling and being content on its own. I'm somehow more pliant and controllable. If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd swear He was doing all of this on purpose.

Anyone else get these moments where the other person can quickly and easily defuse your anger?? It'd be good to know it's not just me (and us lol).

Also to those in the US, hope y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving with lots of delicious food and great memories with friends and family!!!

Learning some lessons

I have a lesson to learn.

Learn when to be quiet and do as I'm told.

He appreciates that I want to give back to Him. He appreciates the effort.

At the same time, I need to learn that He knows what He wants and needs. If He wants more, all He has to do is say so.

It's not my place to push that.

He also needs to be more direct in putting a stop to behavior in me He doesn't like.

I thought were were kind of flirting with word usage too, which was fun for me.

I assumed...that got me in trouble.

I thought He should have more in return for what He's given me. I assumed He'd want more.

Also, I need to be more direct myself when it comes to asking for things from Him.

I'm working on it! I'm still learning what He expects of me. What leeway I have. It's also harder to define the line since we're friends with benefits, not Dom/sub.

Though the line between the two is very fine in our case.

I did notice that since our conversation on Sunday, we're not talking past each other.

That's why we managed to get the newest lessons out into the open with little fuss.

Having a lot more out in the open seems to be helping...even if I do need to learn my place.

If He wants me more submissive, pliable, obedient...I have no issues with that. At all.

I think it's a side of me He wants to see more. Flex His dominance.

Sounds like a fun time to be had!