Trying to understand each other

...and failing miserably.

No, not really lol. It is something we do struggle with and have from day one.

We can never have simple and easy conversations. I always knew Sir was a little different, but last night I got a much better understanding of what that really means. The last year suddenly makes sense. All those little connecting pieces that I saw but didn't understand; now I see what was going on.

I wasn't the only one learning last night either. I was furious because I perceived a situation one way, while He was frustrated because He had a completely different take on what was being said.

Story of this blog.

We're absolutely fine. We should be able to go back to happy fairly easily. Simply because we're both happy with the level at which we are. Actualizing it would be nice, at some point. But I am very happy taking this slowly, making sure this is right.

To give y'all an idea of what was going on, over the last two years I've been coming out of a dark depression. So deep that I was not myself for a few years. The person that people met wasn't really me, and as I've come back out of that shell, it's thrown off some people. Others see the happier, more complete version and have embraced me with open arms.

The ideas that were solidified for my life choices during this time have been taking quite a mental beating for the last year. In that process, I'm trying to take the many subsets of my personality and make them one person again. That Sir interacted with several distinct and separate subsets last night is nothing short of disturbing. There's only me, but I'm fractured within. The therapist is aware and we're working on it.

At the heart of the internal struggle are the choices I've made in regards to relationships. The choice of polyamory and being involved with BDSM are the two major sources of conflict. Even from the beginning, BDSM was a conflict. I was far more whole and self aware then too.

I'm trying to sort this all out before I decide to take any step in any direction, in regards to relationships. I'm trying to figure out why I feel guilty about playing with other people. Trying to process that one person can actually hit my major relationship needs. If there's one person who can be that for me, there must be more people like that in the world. What does that mean for me? Does it mean monogamy? Or is that a sign for a more fulfilled polyamorous life? I don't have any of these answers yet, and there are more questions than answers.

As I've been trying to discover answers, I've been wanting to talk about it with Sir. Not because I believe He'll have the answers or that this is something He could decide for me. But instead because He's my best friend and often while talking with Him about issues, things become clearer. Unfortunately, He misread the intent. Thought it had to do with talking about progressing things between us. Having grasped a better understanding of Him, I know why He thought that.

There was also a misunderstanding with the idea of "what-ifs" and talking about long term ideas. I see them as getting to know another person, understanding them better. It's an intellectual discourse to possibly find potential problems as well as mutual desires. For my past relationships, this was fairly normal. It was not a promise or commitment for more. It wasn't even a desire for more. Simply part of the relationship experience.

That's not how He saw it, nor everything I've said along those lines for the past several months. Because He backed off from those conversations, for reasons I now understand, it fueled the doubts of Him staying. Part of me believed He was just having fun and wasn't entirely interested in me for who I am, but for the fun I could offer.

All of this has been a huge misunderstanding of how we both think and operate for probably the entire time we've known each other. Everything I learned last night is why there was always road blocks between us. Hopefully we've got it sorted out now. If not, we'll just have another two hour conversation in the attempt to understand one another.

I don't know if any of this will make sense. But this post is not necessarily for you, my dear readers. It's for me to come back to and understand this moment. To remember that even when I'm damn furious with Him, we somehow find our way through it.

When Needs Change

"It's about getting what you need,

not what you want."

...said Rebecca to me yesterday afternoon. I've always known this when it came to TTWD. I have a list of what I think I need. Just now, I reread that list and apparently I forgot a few things on it. It's overall a fantastic list, one I've not been following--given how some of my D/s relationships have been. It's a list of 21 important aspects I want in a D/s relationship.

Most of what I listed could have been about Sir. Back then, I wasn't sure I'd ever find a man like that. There are a few things on the list that aren't nearly as important now as they were then. I've been searching for an equal. A man who would respect me and cherish me just as I am. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that and found people who didn't treat me as such. That is until I met Sir.

No, our styles and particular flavors of TTWD don't look like the usual kinds. He wants me strong, capable, confident, and whole. He wants me to be free of the past and its chains. He wants me to kneel before Him because I choose to do so, not because I'm too weak to stand on my own.

I came across some things He said last August. (don't ask how I managed to find these, lol) 

"I have this horrible habit of giving people what they need rather than what they want."

"We share some traits, and one of them is having an answer instantly, but dancing around it or trying to change it until we have no choice but admit that the instinct was right."

"When you say that you don't know what you need, are you saying that about life as a whole, or about me specifically and our interactions?"   

At the time, I thought it was simply about Him. Looking back I'd argue both, and that they were related. He really did shake my world from day one.

Heh, I lost some time rereading our earlier conversations. We fought against this so hard. I was trying to friend-zone Him, while He was busy keeping Himself distant enough to not become emotionally involved. It's sweet to read as we've expanded on all the little highlighted pieces from the beginning. I understand Him better now. Oh hindsight...

We've been touching upon jealousy again. I'm intensely jealous, but only when it comes to Sir. Even though one of the passages I found in my reading was Him talking about how He wouldn't threaten an existing relationship for a perspective one. I know it's on me and my insecurities. I'm terrified of losing the man who fulfills needs that I don't even recognize. Yet, I also know I don't have a leg to stand on given how I live my life. What right do I have to be jealous of Him meeting new people, when I'm the one with multiple partners? I've been wrestling with this for months and still have no answers. It's something He said we'll talk about soon.

It all comes back to needs. What is really a need? Sir is...I need Him. I fought so hard for many years to live in polyamory. Yet I recall a conversation we had in the old kitchen, not too long after we had met. We spoke of how I had all these people to fulfill bits and pieces of needs, all in order to feel safe and satisfied. That in searching maybe I was looking for one person who met all my needs. It was a question as to whether I kept adding and subtracting because I was poly or because I was searching for something more, someone better.

I had a hard time with that question, as years ago I thought if I found the right person, I wouldn't be so strange anymore. That maybe I could be normal like everyone else. Even as I hated the question, it's stuck with me. Sir was right, but I'll also never be normal either. I was searching for someone who would fulfill the most important needs, for someone who would leave me content within myself so the inner pull to search would disappear.

Having Sir in my life has been the first time I haven't felt the constant dull ache for more. I've never felt more allowed to be myself. It's not always smooth sailing, but the bumps in the road never last long. I'm not used truly depending on another person and having them come through when it matters most. I've found that with Him. Which is why polyamory seems less of a need and more "if it's possible"  because that's not what fulfilled me. That fulfillment belongs to Sir and all the good He's done for me. I need this wonderful man, not all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I'm as startled by that reality as anyone else. Believe me, I've fought long and hard to live poly. Cried too many times as I tried to explain why I was wired differently. Discovering polyamory was a breath of fresh air as finally I understood myself.

For months now, I've waged this private war. Could I give that up if that's what it took to keep us happy and healthy? Then I realized I could choose monogamy and not give up who I am as a poly person. I've not given up all the personal growth. I'm still poly, which will never change. It is how I'm wired but it's not the only wiring...Suddenly it doesn't matter as much.

Needs can change. It took a long time for me to accept this one. That something which used be to a top priority is not all that important. Funny how that can happen, heh. The right person comes along and does change everything. Not in any way that I ever expected but isn't that always the case. I have a lot more to reevaluate but this is something important so I'd thought I'd share.

Kids

Want to know something funny? Vibrations help break up chest congestion. How was this discovered? Sir playing with a cute new vibrator and running it over various parts of my body. One downside, I can't breathe very well while that's going on.

Yep, still sick. Still monster sitting. It's been a long week. I told Sir that I'm not ready for this full time. Maybe in a year or two. Not that there's anyone I would be having a child with at the moment with anyway. Actually since I've been watching the monster, I've had several conversations about having kids one day. The BF and I don't have that kind of relationship. It's something we both know.

As for Sir, we talk about it more generally. Like if either of us has kids one day, feel bad for them, hahaha. I'm no nonsense with children's behaviors and attitudes. And Sir is...well, He's who He is. They will behave and act appropriately.

Those have been strange conversations though. I've talked about kids in the past with partners. Or lack thereof, as well. When my depression settles too deeply, the idea of having kids is not a pleasant one. And given certain social obligations, I debated if I wanted to give those up for children. But like I told Sir, I was meant to be a mom.

The oddness of the conversations came from the contrast of mono vs poly dating. In prior monogamous relationships, talk about having kids was very much a "one day for us", part of the expansion of the relationship outlook. A couple of the relationships were serious enough that we talked about possible names. As for poly relationships, the topic of kids has been completely different. It's been more vague and individualized.

Something I've not mentioned, and is often a source of debate within the poly community, is that I plan on having kids with only one partner. I don't even think Sir knows I feel that way. I could list off why I made that choice but it doesn't really matter beyond that it's the one I made. Even if I share my home and my life with more than one male partner (which with the way things are going, I can't see happening anyway), that choice still stands. Poly is not equal, no matter what anyone tries to claim. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with that.

If Sir is the partner I'll one day have kids with...it's a huge if even though He has no intention of letting me go for the foreseeable future...if that is the case, I almost feel bad for Him. Because I'm like most women and I have names I like for children. I've had some of these names for almost a decade now. Good luck changing my mind, lol.

What It All Means

I knew I wouldn't like that conversation, though for not the reasons I expected. Too many thoughts racing around my mind. Trying to make sense of them.

We give a lot of ourselves in TTWD, in varying levels. As a sub, I've presented myself on a platter to previous Doms. Not all of me, but large enough portions that I'm still trying to break free of some emotional and mental chains.

Always freely given, even when there was some wrestling in the moment. Because there is no shoving D/s into a box and forgetting it. This is who I am. Those previous relationships, and even the existing chains, let the submissive free. A gateway to understanding myself.

My first Dom was maybe the worst for me. Yet, there's a song he sent me. It's still on my computer. I even listen to it now and then. He got the least of me but he threw open the door. When I'm struggle, and I do sometimes, I listen to that. I recall how I arrived at this point. How innocent I was and how even with the wrong man, submission was still oh-so-right.

I spent a long time fighting and struggling with polyamory. My view of relationships comes from a monogamous perspective and poly is far more complex. What is "normal" is relationship dependent in polyamory. Yet, I find myself trying to fit relationships (okay, one in particular) into the monogamous mold.

Doesn't work like that. I have Sir, a BF, regular play partners, and people I consider a second family who I on occasion play with.

What about that is normal??? In my world, I guess that has become the norm. All that open loving and treating people equaling seems to have expanded my world.

Yet...that doesn't negate the craving for a husband. Where we have that white picket fence with a dungeon in the basement. Children who we idolize. Growing old together...I thought I had found that. I didn't. Crash and burn spectacular. I had given up hope on that traditional life. Told myself I would never live with another partner. That was the fastest way to ruin a relationship...And the desire is still there, haunting me.

I know the ideas aren't contradicting, poly and the happily ever after. Complicated, sure. But I know people who make it work, and do it amazingly well.

There are parts of me I can't change, no matter how much I fight them. I want children. Beautiful little boys and girls. James, Marie, Alexander, Cassandra, and Emily. I want them all and have since I was a young teenager. My dream of a family that I swear sometimes God makes a mockery of, but I keep hoping for it to be a reality one day.

I am poly. Maybe while raising kids, I would focus more on monogamy, or closed poly. I have tried monogamy. I would try again, if I thought it stood a chance of working.

So what does this all have to do with Sir and I? A little bit, but I'll get to that. This is partially where our conversation directed my thoughts. That I may see most or all the pieces of who I am, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put them all together.

That I take our relationship, or whatever else you want to call it, seriously. I handed over my submission to Him. I have every intention of taking Him up on making this "Fetlife official", heh. I take my love for Him seriously, even if I don't know what all it will mean for us.

So, when Sir told me He doesn't want to share me, I took that seriously. Sat with it and pondered. What I would give for His happiness, and still be happy myself. This is what I signed up for, with the D/s. It wasn't all to do with help with orgasms, or a physical attraction to Him. Instead, it meant that I was willing to compromise; to do what I could to make His life happier and more fulfilled.

Because I want Him to be the person who helps me take all the pieces and assemble them into something coherent. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, not yet. But it's not a goal. Just a wish and a dream, like so many I've held close to my heart.

But none of this is what you've been

waiting to hear about...

He said that He may not like sharing me, but He doesn't like exercising either. That doesn't mean it's not something necessary. And He pointed out that He never asked me not to pursue other interests. He wants me to do what will make me happy. Not in relation to anyone else, but for myself. Be a little selfish.

Heh, selfish? Hahaha...Sir, have you met me? Selfish is asking for a commitment beyond the vague "if I say something, then I consider it a promise", once it's possible. I know it's not yet and it is coming soon. But damn I want to show you off. Do happy dances of joy that I can admit to being yours. Selfish is not letting another woman ever touch my Sir, ever again, because I don't want to share you. Because I don't want to ever give you up.

Selfish also isn't me. I am a giver. I am happy making others happy. I don't need much. I have survived with far less than what I have now. This is content. The time I spend with Sir, those are my moments of happiness. Joy and bliss.

Maybe this isn't the explanation that was expected.

That's okay. Never promised anything else.

I've never claimed to be normal, heh.

And y'all can thank Julia for

the song that's at the end of this post.

It's a new favorite. :-)

Choices Made

My best friend growing up and my best friend now share the same name. Different women obviously.

My second love was my childhood best friend. I fell for her while my heart was still raw from losing my first love, a boy who still and always will have a place in my heart.

I loved her deeply. I wanted to spend my life by her side...I should have known then I was poly. I keep waiting for her to come out of that closet as well.

We were more than friends without being lovers. She was...is my heart. I will love her with every breath till the day I die. It kills me that I lost her friendship many years ago.

So, now I have my new best female friend. Who shares the same name. The one I'm currently visiting. The one who is looking for a poly "sister" for her and her fiance.

I would play with her, but women are different. And given whose name she shares, it's agonizing. Having her as a best friend is difficult enough, let alone being emotionally/physically intimate.

I have a hard enough time always believing Sir isn't going to leave/disappear. Let alone anyone else in my life.

Not to mention, I frankly don't know if I should pursue something. Sir comes first and I feel like being intimate on any level with my friend will cause conflict down the road.

It's ironic. My childhood friend couldn't be what I needed of her, and I can't be what my friend now needs of me.

It's not just with her. I'm sure K and R will not like the conversation that's going to occur one of these days. I can't be the sexual sub they need.

I was able to rattle off a list of people last night while on the phone with Sir. Of people that want me in bed to do kinky and/or sexual things with me...and those were only the people He'd recognize by name...


My instinct is to be what people need of me. Especially people I love, and there are quite many of those people. I know I can't be everything to everyone.


I know how Sir is. What allowances He would and wouldn't give a long term partner. I knew going in, with full understanding, the choices I'd have to make. Yes, my choices. He can't make me be or live in any way I didn't consent to. I knew what my options were and I chose Him.

I chose to give myself to Sir. All I can give to Him, be all He wants and needs. Whatever resources I have left, I gladly will give to those I love. But it's always going to be limited. Something I need to cement in my mind so as to make clear to others.

Please don't take this as changing for a man. I know full well what I can and can't live with. And I accept who He is, including what all that means.

It means some vanilla, some kink, a whole lot of geek, sexual monogamy, acknowledging my relationship with God (sometimes lack thereof), and likely a mess of other things.

It means what could be with my best friend, never will be. And I'm okay with that. It's the choice I made to be with the man I love.

Which leads into a whole interesting topic about choices and D/s. Tomorrow...