Choices Made

My best friend growing up and my best friend now share the same name. Different women obviously.

My second love was my childhood best friend. I fell for her while my heart was still raw from losing my first love, a boy who still and always will have a place in my heart.

I loved her deeply. I wanted to spend my life by her side...I should have known then I was poly. I keep waiting for her to come out of that closet as well.

We were more than friends without being lovers. She was...is my heart. I will love her with every breath till the day I die. It kills me that I lost her friendship many years ago.

So, now I have my new best female friend. Who shares the same name. The one I'm currently visiting. The one who is looking for a poly "sister" for her and her fiance.

I would play with her, but women are different. And given whose name she shares, it's agonizing. Having her as a best friend is difficult enough, let alone being emotionally/physically intimate.

I have a hard enough time always believing Sir isn't going to leave/disappear. Let alone anyone else in my life.

Not to mention, I frankly don't know if I should pursue something. Sir comes first and I feel like being intimate on any level with my friend will cause conflict down the road.

It's ironic. My childhood friend couldn't be what I needed of her, and I can't be what my friend now needs of me.

It's not just with her. I'm sure K and R will not like the conversation that's going to occur one of these days. I can't be the sexual sub they need.

I was able to rattle off a list of people last night while on the phone with Sir. Of people that want me in bed to do kinky and/or sexual things with me...and those were only the people He'd recognize by name...


My instinct is to be what people need of me. Especially people I love, and there are quite many of those people. I know I can't be everything to everyone.


I know how Sir is. What allowances He would and wouldn't give a long term partner. I knew going in, with full understanding, the choices I'd have to make. Yes, my choices. He can't make me be or live in any way I didn't consent to. I knew what my options were and I chose Him.

I chose to give myself to Sir. All I can give to Him, be all He wants and needs. Whatever resources I have left, I gladly will give to those I love. But it's always going to be limited. Something I need to cement in my mind so as to make clear to others.

Please don't take this as changing for a man. I know full well what I can and can't live with. And I accept who He is, including what all that means.

It means some vanilla, some kink, a whole lot of geek, sexual monogamy, acknowledging my relationship with God (sometimes lack thereof), and likely a mess of other things.

It means what could be with my best friend, never will be. And I'm okay with that. It's the choice I made to be with the man I love.

Which leads into a whole interesting topic about choices and D/s. Tomorrow...

The Unexpected and Some Sweetness

He had me grinning like crazy last night. I think I had Him smiling a lot too.

Work had stressed Him out and I sat listening. Being the support He needed in that moment.

We talked about the somewhat surprise I got earlier yesterday. One of my best friends, she has an almost 20 month old son. When they're that young, months seem more accurate than years. She is going to need surgery. Nothing terrible, but it's in her reproductive system. If all goes well, she'll be a lot healthier and her body won't be screwed up anymore.

She's changing her Will. She asked me yesterday, if anything happened, would I take care of her son...of course I would! I love her and her son. I could never deny either of them help if it was within my power. It changes everything though.

Heh, I told Him it made me feel more of an adult than buying a house did. He said, "I think you'd do a great job :)" and I know he means it. Just a bit overwhelming. Chances are my friend will be fine. She's fairly young and has a lot of will power in her. This surgery is to make her life easier, not a necessity. She's in good health otherwise. It's just a matter of making sure things are taken care of, which I completely understand.

Then I just virtually curled up with Him for the rest of the night and stayed that way. I would stay curled up with Him all the time, if I could. He's a tall, big guy: 6'4 and a strong build. I'm a foot shorter than Him, lol. To say that I would feel totally safe and protected is an understatement.

Strange as it may sound, all I would want is to be held by Him. Feel His arms wrapped around me. Maybe ruffle His hair. I'm kind of in lust with His hair. *pet pet* ha ha ha! This is why He finds me adorable and cute. :)

Jeez, I'm smiling and grinning again. He told me last night that He likes making me grin. I like it too! ^_^ He's super sweet, adorable, caring...He says He's just being Himself. That's my point. When He lets His guard down, He's just a bundle of sweetness. It's one of the things I adore about Him.

Now we need to find some time for just us so we can cuddle properly! Because this soft and warm woman is craving His embrace. :)

I want to snuggle with Him ^_^

He says I'm much happier, more alive. More like when we first met. ^_^

It's had a very pleasant reaction with Him. He feels more at ease.

We're trying to set plans for a good snuggle session. Maybe throw on a movie. It sounds terribly vanilla, I know!

But moments like this are irresistible to me!!

I don't mind and neither does He. We both crave the physical closeness that comes with cuddling.

I even told Him that I want to cuddle Him while I sleep, which is unlike me. I do not like being touched when I sleep. For Him though? I'd make an exception. He's safe and trustworthy.

There are no set plans. It'll happen when it does. We'd love to snuggle all night together. He said to me last night, "you seem like you'd fit well."  I have to agree. It always feels right when He wraps His arms around me.

I'm feeling a little under the weather, which is why I'm likely so super cuddly. But then, I always want to cuddle Him. I have since the beginning. Goes back to feeling safe around Him. It's nice to have that safety and trust in another person.

Oh one last thing, the other day I had this desire to attend a church service with Him. I told Him about it. He thinks it would be good. Likely to show me a different perspective of Christianity. I think I surprised Him by asking. We'll see what happens with that.

Personally I think it'll be a lot of fun. It's been years since I attended anything but a Catholic service. Spoiler alert: I was Presbyterian until I was 8 years old. I vaguely remember our old church. I want to say there was a large projection screen that was sometimes used. I even remember my mom teaching a sunday school class and it was the Noah's arc story.

I had always enjoyed church, no matter the denomination. The Anglican service in DC was interesting. Close to Catholism but different enough. There was a woman leading the service. It was refreshing. So I look forward to what His church can show me. I have a feeling it'll lead to quite a number of intriguing conversations. I look forward to them.

And all of those wonderful snuggles. Lots of cuddles and snuggles. Definitely looking forward to those! ^_^

Pondering Faith and Religion

First off, we're good.

Decided to keep doing this like we have been.

That man is terrible for my peace of mind and sanity...but He more than makes up for it. Also, He's aware of how His influence is frustrating. It's enough that He's aware because we really can't fix it right now.

I got another glimpse at the man behind the Dom. See, He's layered. There's the gentleman, then the Dominant, and behind that is the man without any masks.

But honestly what's on my mind right now is religion. I was raised Catholic. My beliefs were strongly rooted. Until the doubts began, as young as 12 years old.

I fell for a girl and then another. All the while I still had feelings and attractions to guys. I kissed a girl for the first time at 13. I loved her for a long time. Carried her in my heart.

She's why I struggle with relationships with women. Because I let her in so deep. More than I let in any guy.

Yet, I would be condemned because the person I have loved most and wanted more than any other was someone of the same sex.

I admit I am pansexual. I love people because of who they are, not their gender. That feels far more accepting than a Church who would have people only be with the opposite sex.

I believe in energy that is in all things. It can go by many names. I see it as the divinity in all things, including the inanimate and what is not visible to the human eye. I've always believed that.

I miss the Church. I miss having beliefs that were easy. I miss belonging to something more.

At the same time, I can not go back to a belief that will never accept me for who I am.

The love I have for people, regardless of gender, enriches their lives. It's not harmful. I can't believe in a Creator that would say such love is sin.

Add in my polyamorous nature, and I really don't belong with Christianity.

So why am I thinking about it?

Because I know what it's like to be with someone whose beliefs are radically different. When I left the Catholic Church, it was ill-received by my family. I was condemned for believing something different.

I was reminded tonight of how different our beliefs are from each other. He said He's man of science and faith. I can't see how the two reconcile, but we'll go with that.

So I got to thinking in just a general sense. Could I ever go back? I don't think I could. Going to Church and believing are two very different things. I can't see myself believing in something so opposite of who I am.

It's one large obstacle between us.

He may be falling for me...there's definitely something there that has a lot of potential. We know I'm already in love.

However, given that we're nothing more than friends with benefits, it's a non-issue. It's something to keep in mind should things ever step up to another level.

It was just a thought path that led to two hours of thinking about faith and religion. It's not even about Him, really. I've thought about the Catholic Church a number of times in the last few years. I even attended Mass. But it's dark to me. It no longer has that warmth and the divine presence that I used to feel.

An interesting thought...but nothing more.

Learning some lessons

I have a lesson to learn.

Learn when to be quiet and do as I'm told.

He appreciates that I want to give back to Him. He appreciates the effort.

At the same time, I need to learn that He knows what He wants and needs. If He wants more, all He has to do is say so.

It's not my place to push that.

He also needs to be more direct in putting a stop to behavior in me He doesn't like.

I thought were were kind of flirting with word usage too, which was fun for me.

I assumed...that got me in trouble.

I thought He should have more in return for what He's given me. I assumed He'd want more.

Also, I need to be more direct myself when it comes to asking for things from Him.

I'm working on it! I'm still learning what He expects of me. What leeway I have. It's also harder to define the line since we're friends with benefits, not Dom/sub.

Though the line between the two is very fine in our case.

I did notice that since our conversation on Sunday, we're not talking past each other.

That's why we managed to get the newest lessons out into the open with little fuss.

Having a lot more out in the open seems to be helping...even if I do need to learn my place.

If He wants me more submissive, pliable, obedient...I have no issues with that. At all.

I think it's a side of me He wants to see more. Flex His dominance.

Sounds like a fun time to be had!

Sub Drop & Trust

In my post from the other day, I mentioned how I experienced sub drop after what at first seemed like some pretty vanilla fun.

Then it occurred to me how non-vanilla things really were.

He was in control. Took me by the reins, shaping my pliable self to His will.

I've always said "capture my mind, and my body will follow."

He did just that. He got right into my head. By the time I was in His bedroom, I was a compliant submissive.

I trust Him. I feel so safe around Him...

Typically I deal with sub drop on my own. Miss independent.

I was so gone though, so trusting and free...that when I crashed, I clung to Him. Even when I couldn't express words, I showed Him I needed His comfort in that moment.

I'm fine now. Smiling back on a very deliciously fun evening.

It seems He's been a lot of firsts for me. This is one instance among many.

I'm seeing Him later this evening. Should be interesting to see how we interact now that a few more cards on on the table.

Trust, Blow Jobs, & Waiting Patiently

We talked for hours last night. So much that I completely distracted Him from cleaning. My bad!

Each of us shared the internal feelings and struggle within. He hasn't dated anyone in two years. He took a break from all of it.

Of course He wonders how much of the attraction is based on loneliness and availability. There is a little from that.

I felt the same way. If that, because he was local and intriguing, I was trying to pursue someone I shouldn't.

The truth is there is something very real and genuine between us. We want to let that part grow and nurture it properly.

We spoke about oral sex. It all began with me saying: "I'm a sucker for you and your evil ways."

He made a joke about not literally...

We spoke about the boundaries that would shift. He might become more possessive of me, if we crossed that line. I left it up to Him.

Very submissive of me, I know. But I respect His boundaries and trust Him to make the right decision.

I'm going to dinner at His place over the weekend. Maybe watch a movie. Get all close and snuggly. Get my hair pulled. Yum!

We also agreed to take this very slowly. Ultra slow, if necessary. I'm in no rush. He wants me and some part of Him wants to throw caution to the wind.

He's too levelheaded though. I'm too content with the slow paced development.

Right now, it's still friends with benefits. Mainly friends.

He has just as much emotional baggage as I do. There's an incredible level of trust and safety with each other.

It's something we can help each other with, as we become closer.

I'm still not convinced I'm the type of woman He wants and needs.

Until He tells me otherwise, I have no intention of putting my heart on the line or wanting for more than what exists now.

Solutions?

I've spent the weekend resigning myself to the fact that we both have feelings for one another, but they're not doing us any good. So I stuffed those feelings into boxes. I hope it'll hold, though it never has before.

Part of why I express that I'm poly by nature is so I don't have to do this very thing. I know it's bound to happen sooner or later.

The problem with boxing up feelings is they tie back to feelings about others. So I'm sad and it's creeping into my other relationships.

It can only be a temporary solution, I'm aware. I'm also seeing him this evening at a local event. I'll be surprised if my system lasts the night.

Part of the problem is that I enjoy the feelings I have for him. They're warm and happy.

They also drive me insane because I can't do a damn thing with them. That leads to frustration and heart ache.

I don't see a real good solution to all of this. I'm hoping these feelings will dissipate with time, if not fizzle out all together.

Except I know that's not really how I want to feel...

I'm pretty well fucked.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of a journey. One I can't share anywhere else. My safe haven has become an open playing field, of my own choosing. Yet I crave for some place safe and separate. So here I am, blogging anonymously for the masses.

There is more than one significant person in my life. Two are solidified. One is...I really don't know what we are. More on that to follow. Because it's the latter I'll be talking about the most. He's an enigma in my life.

We've decided to be friends...with a few benefits of a BDSM nature. The boundaries are still pretty loose. One day it'll be solidified either way.

So this blog is about that journey. Wherever it may lead.