Thursday, February 28, 2013

Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.


  1. You can only be true to him by being true to yourself please let is know how it goes.

    1. Of course I will.

      Contrary to this post, I'm not actually that worried. I did need to let out the frustration and fears so they wouldn't consume me.

      I know He likes me as I am...I just need to start believing it as well.