Some Days Need To End And Be Forgotten

I won't even go into the nightmare that today was. I don't want to relive it, ever. Just know that I have my furniture and those people will never see another cent from me. Which is sad for them because I adore antiques.

Thank god, the saints, the angels, any and all pantheons, heck any divine being that may exist that I got to see my Sir today!!! I surely would have cracked with blinding rage and stress otherwise.

He helped me decompress. Granted, I'm still feeling the effects the anger left behind. I think I stop breathing properly which my body doesn't agree with at all. Here's to hoping a good night's sleep will do me good!

So, as great as it was to see Him, I received some displeasing news. Not only is His work taking Him from me this first week of June, it's now been decided that He has to go away on the 12-14th. His birthday is the 12th. It's great for His job as it means more training. That's awesome and I'm very happy! But why, heavens above WHY did they need to take Him from me on His birthday? Mind you, the first I would have celebrated with Him.

And to top it off, I found out that He's going to Indiana in October. Silly me didn't ask when. Want to guess when my birthday is? Yeah, I will not be thrilled if He'll be gone then. Not angry or upset, just not exactly happy either. And I reserve the right to change my mind about that too, lol! He's going job hunting while He's out there. Yay...maybe?? I'm of two minds when it comes to Him and jobs.

Thankfully today is almost over. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it'll end up better than this one. Yeah, I've got nothing else. I got my ass kicked on several levels and that's all the optimism I have at the moment.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Weekend! :)

This seems like a terrible idea...Let's do it anyway!

When I get home, I plan on spending time with Sir. I can't begin to explain how much I miss Him. While being in vanilla land is fun, and the kink world back home is sending me into a spiral of rage, I want that special place of balance that Sir and I create.

I told Him last night that I want to spend a few days together. Hibernate and be a hermit. No cell, no computer, no outside contact with the world. Because I need some time away from it all.

Also, we need to reconnect. Though last night's ranting and venting for 40 minutes helped. I think Sir thought my aggressive side was cute. Maybe hot as well since He wants to get "recreational" with that side of me. Strange man. But I told Him I'm game and will have fun with this. Only, He should keep in mind I'm liable to hit Him at some point or another.

Tentatively, I'll be seeing Him Sunday. We'll see if that happens and if this unbridled rage is still around for Him to poke and prod.

If this sounds like a terrible idea, you're likely right. But He's quite taller and stronger than I am, which has been proven several times over. So He'll be fine.

Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.

Bad Behavior

I feel downright terrible about last night. Apparently suppressing emotions doesn't end well.

All that pain, anger, frustration came to the surface. He said I was malevolent in nature.

I slapped Him while out at the bar...across the face. Not hard or for real...but I did. As soon as I did, I had an "OMG what did I just do??" moment.

I felt terrible last night but now that I'm sober, there's so much guilt and general horrible feelings.

And He was so sweet to me too.

He diffused the malevolence and overall bad mood. (well to some extent I guess, because I slapped Him after that...)

Even after all this unfolded, the man gave me two orgasms and then let me have His cum.

Then we spent another twenty talking and kissing.

He is too good to me. Especially after my horrible behavior. It was uncalled for, as it presented itself.

I just apologized again to Him, now that I'm sober and the reality of my actions and behavior has hit me.

*sighs*  I'm hoping my bad head space is now gone and I can go back to being His cute kitten again.

Cuteness Relative to Anger??

I can not be angry or not-amused around Him. At least not for long. Why?

He thinks it's CUTE!!!

I was giving Him a "I'm not amused look" on Monday. I don't recall the specifics. He was likely being ridiculous. Our guy friend sitting next to Him knew to tread lightly.

But no! He thinks I'm just damn adorable when I'm trying to be angry, stern, mad, frustrated, etc.

It's so infuriating! And not for the reasons you're thinking. He's not poking fun at me and He's definitely not belittling my anger.

He legitimately thinks I look adorable and cute. He wants to pinch my cheeks and tell me just how cute I am.

Which makes me smile...

...grin like a fool...

...sigh in wistful contentment.

He takes all the fun out of being angry! Because then whatever He was doing no longer matters. Suddenly I see Him as all sweet and adorable again.

This is actually a great thing. I'm so well aware of that. Anger, resentment, frustration, etc are terrible things. Those eat away at happiness and peace in one's life. That He can defuse those moments is awesome!

He does have a very sweet, apologetic smile that more than makes up for Him taking the wind out of my sails. It's one of those "I'm sorry, I want to bundle you up in cuddles" smiles.

It's just in that moment, when I'm giving Him a look, it's just damn irritating that He can so easily make it disappear. I don't like being mad at Him either, which that likely helps. And it's never anything major so it's not like we have issues.

Like I said, I can't even remember what He was doing. I think part of Him does like getting under my skin. Sadist! Then being able to just turn off the reaction like a damn switch. That's the Dom in Him. Playing me like a well tuned instrument.

Damn Him for making me enjoy it too! :-P  Because smiling contently after being angry is much better than just smiling and being content on its own. I'm somehow more pliant and controllable. If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd swear He was doing all of this on purpose.

Anyone else get these moments where the other person can quickly and easily defuse your anger?? It'd be good to know it's not just me (and us lol).

Also to those in the US, hope y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving with lots of delicious food and great memories with friends and family!!!

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Last night did not go according to plan...

I think someone (up there) has it out for me or him, maybe both of us. Even when I have walls erected to keep him out, he knows exactly how to dismantle me to see where I'm hidden away.

When I took the walls down, it felt right. I felt safe. I wanted to be held by him and not let go.
It was also strange, even for us. We were more in tune. Everything clicked and when our eyes met, the world slipped away.

He told me something, as we were heading out. He had just held me close, stroked my arm gently.

"The choice that's mine to make...I know what you would choose so it's up to me." pause "I can't do it. I would be overwhelming..."

I replied, "I don't know what my options are. I don't know if I could even if I wanted to..."

At that moment, two friends we had been at dinner with came over to talk with us for a little longer in the parking lot. A decent distraction for an awkward moment.

I know he would not share control of me well. It would cause a division between us, should we try.

Or more likely, it would drive away the other two people in my life. Something neither of us want.

I don't know what the plan was supposed to be. I didn't expect to come home and sit in my drive way, banging on my steering wheel. Nor did I expect to be silently screaming and shaking with rage when I laid in bed.

But when he looks at me, seeing me oh so clearly...accepting, inviting me closer into his world...I can't help but respond.