Forgiveness?

Time has been getting away from me lately. I didn't mean to step away from blogging as long as I did. Things have been busy with getting ready for the holidays as well as being social. I've been spending a lot of time reading too. I've gone through nearly two dozen books in the past month or so. I still managed to knit a matching scarf and hat. My first project, the scarf, took forever but the hat only took two days. I'm happy with how all of that is coming along.

I've also been preparing for a holiday party I'm hosting next Sunday. Decorating, far too much cleaning, the usual when it comes to parties. I even went black friday shopping for the first time ever. Granted, the "mall" by me wasn't even as busy as a normal mall anywhere else on a typical Saturday and I didn't bother to go shopping until 10 am. Three o'clock in the god damn morning holds no appeal to me unless it involves sleep or sex.

There have been some good days, not as many as I'd like but I think I'm getting back there. Certain vanilla hold-ups have been progressing nicely, finally. Therapy is doing more good than I could have ever imagined. I told Sir that I was going to focus on me. He's always said I give too much of myself to help and make others happy. I didn't truly see what He meant until the week of Thanksgiving. I made a choice, one that was right for me, even if it upset a friend of mine. In the past, I would have sucked it up. I would have gone and been uncomfortably nice to someone who made my skin crawl...all to make the host of the party, my friend, happy. But this time? I made the decision that was right by me and didn't attend.

I think I understand now, what Sir meant. I give more than other people deserve. I compromise myself and my happiness to do it.

"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."  

Sir quoted me that a few days ago. I understood the message but disagreed with the word choice. I still disagree but the more I think on it, the better I understand the intent. Do I wish I could change the past? Of course, but I accept that I can't.

It's actually funny because Sir and I talk about hope quite regularly. I say I gave up on hope. He says hope makes a difference in how the future will unwind. Hope changes us. I can't give up hope on the past, but not because of what I'd like to change. I can't let go of the past being this black and white picture of facts. The past is there, not here. What lingers are the emotions, the memories, who I've been and become.

My past is filled with pain and heart ache and trauma. If I give up hope, those are what remain. Hope is that the past won't torture me one day. Hope is that I can shape those terrible moments into a stronger and better me. Forgiveness is not to change the facts, but to change the effects.

If I can forgive myself for hurting a friend in order to protect myself, then maybe I can forgive more of my past. Maybe, heh  :)

Surprises

Sometimes we hold onto the past, cling to it like it's the air we need to breathe. And by "we", I mean I do that. I know I can't be the only one though. At times, it's to salvage whatever is lingering from the past. Others, the loss is staggering and inescapable. Or feeling the comfort of knowing that only the past can bring, even if there is pain. How it all turns out is known, but it eats away at hope, at sanity.

I met friends of Lisa's today. A cute couple that I immediately liked, even if the trip was somewhat long and exhausting. We talked about current public schools compared to when we were children. How it seems they've forgotten or given up on teaching kids. We talked about history and cultural differences when it comes to faith and marriage. It was fantastic connecting with people with whom conversation was that easy. Intelligent people who wanted to have conversations of value...where has that been in my life lately?

I love my kinky friends, but that substance is missing most of the time. Definitely need to fix that.

It's been hard for me to stay in the present. I think that maybe it's always been this way. I never noticed it until Sir pointed it out. Today was a wake up call to being here and not locked away in the memories. You'd think it would be any number of other things and people in my life. But the surprise of meeting refreshingly honest and friendly people touched me deeper than anything else ever could.

I used to do that all the time. It drove my parents insane when I was younger. Adults always want their adult time with adult conversations, far away from the kids. I was the type who'd engage those my own age into intriguing conversations and, the adults overhearing our conversation, would join in. It's really my mother's own fault given that we watched the news and talked politics over dinner every night.

That continued as I grew into adulthood, but somewhere I got lost. I wrapped up on myself and hid from the world. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the Ex had a lot to do with that. The Ex was a terrible and destructive presence to my life. Since then I've tried to pull myself back out of my self-imposed imprisonment. Today though, something was found.

There's the inner strength to do what needs to be done, and to do what makes me happy. Today, I don't feel broken for the first time in years.

With a little luck

It's been an uphill battle in my mind for the last week. I wish I could say I've been handling it with grace, strength, and determination but those would be lies. My submission is no where to be found, though that may be for the best for the present. I have been angry all the time and crying my eyes out nearly as often.

There is very little in my past that I've properly processed and healed from, unfortunately. I lived with the grief, the torment of my mind, as a daily part of my life for many years. I reached the lowest point one can reach, which is when I began suppressing and then repressing.

I sought to alleviate myself of the pain by hiding it away. I knew no other way to cope with or move on from the overbearing emotions that ravaged my mind. I thought that was healing. Forget the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future.

Yet, the past would resurface now and then. Triggers. The depression always lingered, many times beyond my awareness. I was too busy trying to push everything away to recognize what was happening to me. Only looking back do I see how much I've changed, and not necessarily for the better.

I am terrified of letting it all resurface. The therapist wants it to come back in little pieces. Not examine everything at once but a narrowed focus on one issue at a time. Heh, the walls I built don't work like that. It's a fortress. Once inside, there is no looking at one piece at a time. In the wandering, the past will come looking and so long as I'm in the dark depths, it will all eventually come back.

Theoretically, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's already begun and will continue until either I'm able to process everything, or until I shove everything back where I've been hiding it. To hide the pain and darkness, I locked up good memories as well. It's all an interconnected web, hence why I can't pull out little bits while not dragging the rest with it.

I spent a lot of my life so far looking for the very things I have now. Love, in all its forms. I'm learning love doesn't have to come at a price. That who I am is enough to be worthy of love. I don't have to resent their help because it's not selfish. There's not one cage being replaced for another. Sir is not the only one who wants to see me free. He does meddle the most, trying to fix me. But not in the way I've encountered previously.

A friend of Lisa's told her this morning that while she was praying, she received a message to pass along to Lisa. She then in turn asked me about it because she didn't really understand. "All lasting change starts within."  When I read that earlier today, I knew it wasn't for Lisa alone. Especially after the night I had, and I'm all too aware of when the universe is speaking to me.

Sir isn't trying to manipulate me, like others have. He doesn't tell me to do anything or be a certain way. He may nudge me in the right direction but the choice has always been mine. It has to come from me, or the healing, the change will never stay. It has to be from within.

The bad memories aren't the only ones coming back to me. It's been a while since I've smiled while remembering the past. The harm people caused doesn't negate the good memories, and the good doesn't excuse what people did. I've been trying for years to understand how the two could co-exist with common persons. I think I'm beginning to understand.

I dreaded the past coming back to light. In many ways, I still do as I know there's a long, uphill battle that's yet to come. But if there is more good than I remembered, maybe I can stop living in fear. Maybe find the "me" I lost along the way.

Maybe, with a little luck...

Hope

I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)

The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.

No sugar for my coffee...

Being the sole morning person in the house I'm staying at, it falls to me to get coffee and other such things around. It is then that I notice there is no sugar. None, in any form, in this house. Having been to the store yesterday to stock up the place, I feel somewhat responsible to have forgotten sugar. I did however remember the very nice Italian sweet cream creamer so hopefully that'll make up for it. Considering I left quite a few other things back in my house, several hours away, this is just but one of the many things that I've been smacking my head about.

Apparently morning people are a rare breed. I don't mean those who get up early every day because they always have. I mean those who are wide awake and ready to go within a few minutes of waking up. That's me, all the time. I could wake up at 5-6 AM every day and be this way. In fact, for many years of my life, I did just that.

So as I wait for people to wake, and others to arrive, I thought I'd update here while I have to ability to do such.

As for last night's post, context...several conversations were had. Many which had been a long time coming. The BF still surprises me. Given I've known him for many years now, it's funny that he still has the ability to catch me completely off guard.

I think he's been reading up on polyamory and those types of relationships. Because he sounded fully prepared for the days when it'll be hard, painful, and trying. There's no illusion there. Granted, he has been here forever. This may just be a by-product of having gone through this before.

One thing he said made me chuckle a bit. Something to the affect of: "We'll both find a way to make you happy. If he (meaning Sir) is as smart as you say he is, this is something he already knows."

I told Sir that the BF and I often struggle with communicating. It's from a time long ago when I wasn't nearly so open or willing to be vulnerable. Given the last few days worth of conversations, I'm going to say that's changed.

As for Sir and I, we're sure to be having conversations at length when I get home. The game strategy has changed and we need to figure out what all that means.

The BF called me a "collector" of people. That's not an inaccurate description. I have them and the few others I've mentioned here. Sir is the closest, the BF about a half step behind. The others are a hand's length away, but with an upright palm welcoming them closer briefly when possible.

Sir thinks I've just been winging this. Heh, not at all. I have a very clear understanding of who I want where in my life. In fact, I've been emotionally setting things up to go that way for about as long as Sir has been around. It's just a matter of people being willing to go forward with how the pieces are set.

And that I will never hide who I am, nor those in my life. Perhaps a topic for another time but something to think about. Being poly is more than accepting the partner(s) of your significant other(s). There are social and economic responsibilities that come into play as well. Are you "out" and if so, to whom? What if not everyone wants or can be out about their lives? Do one or more of these relationships have the intent of being long term? Finances, vacations, children, houses. These are the realities of life and poly makes it ten times more complicated.

If it seems I am going with the flow in regards to the future, it means I do a very good job keeping some thoughts to myself. I'm well aware of conversations that will have to happen as well as decisions that will be made.

I came into this blog with more than one working relationship. That has not changed. Nor is this the first time I've had these rounds of conversations with partners, though I'd argue that these two have the potential to be the most serious. Sir has the outlook of not wanting to let me go and the BF is ready to do what he can to make this work. Sounds quite serious to me and I am all too well aware that I'm not allowed to screw things up in the mean time.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

Bandaging "Us"

If we weren't good at communicating, our friendship would have been a smoldering pile of ashes a long time ago.

We're okay. A little scuffed and shaken up, but we'll live.

We're also excellent at triggering the other...considering how many triggers we both have, this is not surprising at all.

Our friendship was built on disclosure and a continual building of trust. That's the only reason we're both standing okay right now.

Even as I was angry with Him, I wanted to run into His arms. Say, "Help me fix this, please."

In a more metaphorical sense, I did. And we've been talking ever since. Trying to understand each other. To be fair, we never really stop talking.

We haven't reset back to the beginning, even if it felt like it.

There's still quite a bit to talk about before we get anything going again.

Just because I love the man doesn't mean there aren't still a few points of contention. Either we do this right and keep with it, or we wait until that is possible.

Because this on and off crap is not cool.

I have faith in Him, and in us, that we'll find a way to make it work.

I Love You, Always

If you're willing to fight for us,

I'll stand by your side every step of the way.

If you can let go of possible outside perceptions,

I'll make each day of your life happier.

If you want all we've spoken of,

I'll be the partner you so desperately crave.

If you want to stop all the "maybes" and "ifs",

I'll help you make "Us" a reality.

I love you, Sir. I always will.

Please give yourself the chance to truly enjoy it.

Our Friendship

Truly He is one of the best friends I've ever had.

That's the level at which we exist most of the time: Friendship.

Not sex or bdsm or our "whatever-you-want-to-call-it" relationship...though on occasion those do arise.

Because of that, a lot of our time together doesn't get brought up here. Mainly because trying to explain the context of things would be time consuming, and likely reveal more about us than either of us are comfortable with.

However, this is one of those exceptions.

Yesterday morning I was really good...until I hit one of the dark spots. The kind where the mind is its own worst enemy. It's a dark place that eats away at happiness and peace. I hope y'all know what I mean by that.

He was there for me. Talked me through the worst of it. How did He put it?

"I will never let you go gently into the dark."

I didn't have to battle it alone. I finally understood many of our past conversations. I am stronger having people around me who truly care about me. He's told me time and time again that He'll always be there for me. Moments like yesterday morning back up His words.

I may be a bit broken and a little fractured but that doesn't change our friendship. He's not going to abandon me, no matter what part of me He sees. He said something super sweet and comforting:

"You get to keep me. 

And even if I go in person you get to keep your memories of me."

I'm used to people leaving and being really shitty on the way out. So often, He's told me that He won't be that way.

Considering the strength of the friendship we have, and are continuing to build...I believe Him.

Waiting

We're always talking religion. Last night was no exception. I have a book to read that He gave me. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel."

We managed to get the day together, as well as some time for just us. It was nice, so nice!

Oh don't look at me like that!!!

I told ya, we only had plans to snuggle and cuddle. Which we did. A lot.

I had my head in His lap at one point. He was playing with my hair, which was just uncooperative. Poor thing. I have to put a lot of crap in it to tame the beast that is my hair. Mousse likes to tangle my hair a bit. Okay, a lot. At least it wasn't it's usual poofy mess.

To be fair to my hair, He had ruffled it quite a bit. It had been put up, hastily taken down to snuggle earlier that day. We had a little time to cuddle while we watched a movie. Hair being up is not conducive to snuggling. There was wind, and a day's worth of fuss to it, so it was understandably non-cooperative...

But the playing with hair, His hand stroking my face...that was really nice. I was about to fall asleep on Him, though mainly the couch. I knew I couldn't stay but I wanted to. Just to stay right there in that moment.

Safe, protected, happy.

We talked about "us", as our conversation inevitably leads to there. How even in my dreams the man confuses me. I swear the night before last, I had a dream where He told me that "this" wouldn't work. Then maybe 10 minutes later in dream time said something along the lines of: I still care for you. This could work down the road....it was an assumed I want you to wait. I can't remember if He actually asked me to wait in the dream or not though.

Seriously, even my own head is fucking with me now...as if He wasn't enough.

While we were talking, He said that it'd be a terrible idea if He took me upstairs and did all the things He wanted to do to me.

Apparently fucking my brains out was on that list.

It is a terrible idea. Absolutely. But I was horny and for a brief moment I almost said, "what are we waiting for?"

At the same time, I was contently curled up with Him. We were having an excellent conversation. I didn't really want to move from that spot, not even for sex.

I enjoy looking up at Him. He's quite taller than me normally, but with my head on His lap...very different perspective. Mmmmm, I like!!!

I told Him I would wait. Hell, I am waiting. My mind is set. There are plenty of other people interested. I want Him, only Him...very different for someone who is typically very fluid in relationships. Very poly normally.

Doesn't matter. I want Him. It's the love I have for Him that gives me feelings I had long buried. Gives me hope and safety. Gives me strength.

He's the one who reaches out a hand, when my world is falling apart around me. He has been so good to and for me. He's an excellent friend, one of the best I've ever had.

How could I not wait for a man like that?

I think most wait with the assumption of "some day"...it's something we've talked about. But there is no assuming here.

So I will wait in action, and for a time when "this" has a chance to be "us".

What this could be is worth waiting to do it right. He's worth waiting for, always has been.

Falling Apart

We do a lot of talking, sometimes communicating well. Most of the time not, but we're getting there.

One piece of the puzzle at a time. I understand He only lets people in so far. It's less deep than He thinks.

Plus, He wears as many masks as I do. That's saying something.

Truth be told, this connection is tearing me apart. It's not His fault.

I need to do something different.

I just don't know what...

But if I don't do something, my mind is going to unravel and I'll slip back into a depression.

I don't know how to turn it off. I can dampen the sexual nature. Turn it off even, if necessary.

That's not the issue, heh.

It's the pull of the Dominance towards my submission. That's emotionally based. It's a feeling of security and a desire for closeness.

How do I stop that from happening? And if I can't, how the hell do I manage it so it doesn't drive me insane?

Because while He's not encouraging it, He's not denying it.

It's an uncertain promise, a whisper of hope...

The smart thing would be to remove Him from my life. That sounds reasonable, right? I don't have the willpower or courage to do it.

It's not something I want to do.

I don't want to hurt every time I see Him. I don't even understand why I'm hurting. Why there's this pit in my stomach. Why it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Why I struggle to breathe.

Then He smiles and jokes, putting me at ease. Only for it to return.

I've been rejected before. That's nothing new. I've loved and lost. So why does this man, who shouldn't mean near this much to me...why are my feelings for Him making me lose my mind...

That whole "I'm content and it'll be okay?" Yeah that didn't last.

I'm crying and I have no idea why. This is what I mean. I just don't understand it. Thinking about Him and all of this, it makes my heart hurt. I end up sobbing. In public, I have to put on a mask and suppress the tears.

I'm tired and not in the way sleep can fix.

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.