Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.

More Changes

There's really not much to say.

This isn't three steps back.

This is back to square one.

Frankly I have no idea what He wants and is going to do...because He has no clue.

I'm still buried deep within my own mind.

I'm sure there's a breakdown and outright horrible reaction waiting for when I do emerge.

He told me yesterday when I saw Him that the time frame on things is moved.

After our conversation last night, I'm not convinced there will ever be anything more than a friendship.

Some part of me knew it was too good to be true. It's why I set the expectation bar low. But the man gave me hope. That bloody dangerous and destructive thing.

I shouldn't be this angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. I do understand from His perspective.

It's just...these are the same things that have been around all along.

I hate when people tell me they're going to do something and then don't. There's always a reason of course.

I'm dysfunctional as fuck but at the end of the day I say "suck it buttercup" and I do what I said I was going to do.

The problem is what exists now? Then let's stir the pot and see what happens. *grins evilly*

The Power of Words

Language is far more powerful than I think we give it credit for.

American English (in everyday speech) also misuses words to such an extent that communication is bound to be stifled.

Words are windows into the mind. While I may ramble and rant, my words are mostly chosen with precision. How I lay out a post is intentional.

Sometimes I am less formal and more free writing. Others, each word is very specific and laden with meaning.

My previous post was spur of the moment. It was messy.

It's still accurate. I would not change any word in it. Because I was speaking from an emotional standpoint, whereas I normally filter it through with reasoning and a rational perspective.

Or I attempt to, at least. I'll admit my reasoning can be skewed at times.

Under that post, He posted a comment. It was sweet and well-meaning.

There's also the word "obsessive."

He regretted it as soon as He got my reaction. He wanted to replace the comment without that word because He saw how much it hurt me.

The word is there, whether y'all see it or not.

We talked about it last night. It was a poor word choice.

And I'm crying again. Damn it...

He called Himself a "ponce." And an "insensitive dolt."

It had been a rough night on me already. People not taking a situation seriously, including Him. It really got under my skin and I had to be a hard-ass.

It's just a word. One He doesn't even view negatively. I do though. I'm trying to not let it get to me, truly. But obviously it's wormed its way into my mind.

This post and all its words are important. I do not blame Him. I would never blame Him for something like that.

The reason it hurts is because it's not entirely untrue. I want to believe my feelings for Him are in a healthy context. But the word "obsessive" comes with a lot of negative emotional baggage.

Right now, I'm trying to stop it from fracturing the trust and connection between us. A misplaced word shouldn't have that power but the implications struck my heart, hard. Hopefully the rest of His well chosen words can mend that ache.

Falling Apart

We do a lot of talking, sometimes communicating well. Most of the time not, but we're getting there.

One piece of the puzzle at a time. I understand He only lets people in so far. It's less deep than He thinks.

Plus, He wears as many masks as I do. That's saying something.

Truth be told, this connection is tearing me apart. It's not His fault.

I need to do something different.

I just don't know what...

But if I don't do something, my mind is going to unravel and I'll slip back into a depression.

I don't know how to turn it off. I can dampen the sexual nature. Turn it off even, if necessary.

That's not the issue, heh.

It's the pull of the Dominance towards my submission. That's emotionally based. It's a feeling of security and a desire for closeness.

How do I stop that from happening? And if I can't, how the hell do I manage it so it doesn't drive me insane?

Because while He's not encouraging it, He's not denying it.

It's an uncertain promise, a whisper of hope...

The smart thing would be to remove Him from my life. That sounds reasonable, right? I don't have the willpower or courage to do it.

It's not something I want to do.

I don't want to hurt every time I see Him. I don't even understand why I'm hurting. Why there's this pit in my stomach. Why it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Why I struggle to breathe.

Then He smiles and jokes, putting me at ease. Only for it to return.

I've been rejected before. That's nothing new. I've loved and lost. So why does this man, who shouldn't mean near this much to me...why are my feelings for Him making me lose my mind...

That whole "I'm content and it'll be okay?" Yeah that didn't last.

I'm crying and I have no idea why. This is what I mean. I just don't understand it. Thinking about Him and all of this, it makes my heart hurt. I end up sobbing. In public, I have to put on a mask and suppress the tears.

I'm tired and not in the way sleep can fix.

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.

Solutions?

I've spent the weekend resigning myself to the fact that we both have feelings for one another, but they're not doing us any good. So I stuffed those feelings into boxes. I hope it'll hold, though it never has before.

Part of why I express that I'm poly by nature is so I don't have to do this very thing. I know it's bound to happen sooner or later.

The problem with boxing up feelings is they tie back to feelings about others. So I'm sad and it's creeping into my other relationships.

It can only be a temporary solution, I'm aware. I'm also seeing him this evening at a local event. I'll be surprised if my system lasts the night.

Part of the problem is that I enjoy the feelings I have for him. They're warm and happy.

They also drive me insane because I can't do a damn thing with them. That leads to frustration and heart ache.

I don't see a real good solution to all of this. I'm hoping these feelings will dissipate with time, if not fizzle out all together.

Except I know that's not really how I want to feel...

I'm pretty well fucked.

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.