Neat Freak

Dear Atkins website, 

Two and a half hours of doing anything is a workout, 

even if I was only cleaning at the time. 

Sincerely, a sore but satisfied sub

I have a list that I've barely dented. Granted, I did start the list after finishing several cleaning jobs so they didn't make the list of chores. I was half tempted to add them simply to cross them off to make myself feel better. But that's makes more visual space for the list and I'm a less versus more kind of gal.

This started as a list of things I wanted to do before Sir comes over tomorrow. Just some basic cleaning and straightening. He's a guy. He's not going to notice the small stuff, I think? See now I don't know and He too polite to say anything.

Regardless, my OCD kicked in yesterday and I decided that I'm going to super clean everything in my house from top to bottom. I'm currently working on the kitchen, which I do keep clean. Though I don't always think to dust the lights and wipe down the fridge, or scrub the doors because apparently my hands are filthy when I touch them. Or dust that shelf above the laundry--it is tucked away and under so I can easily ignore the dust and dirt, lol. Wash the windows and ledges, dust the blinds. It's a very long list, just for the kitchen.

It'll likely take me the better part of the week or more to get everything thoroughly cleaned but I'm motivated to do it. When I'm not bogged down by depression, I'm a neat freak. Everything must go in its proper place and be clean. I have another 5 hours of cleaning that I'll be able to get done today (also have to run to the store even though I was just there yesterday, I even had a list! But I forgot some things and need extra for tomorrow). That's probably about all my body will be able to handle before it revolts against me.

Yes, Sir is coming over tomorrow to hang out and have lunch. Though He did tease me by saying that He might be bringing my little friend, and by that He means a gorgeous and glorious glass dildo that I adore. I may have kept myself up a little late last night with fantasies and orgasms because I'm very needy for Sir's touch, kiss, smile...maybe being pinned down to the bed while He whispers half threats, half promises in my ear...Sorry I just spaced out, lol!

Anyway, I decided to spoil Sir with a nice lunch. Home made burgers and fries, with a jalepeno and habenero cheese to top the burgers. And of course some bacon. I'll make up a side salad to pretend to be healthy. For dessert, peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate chips. Mmmmm!!!!

Once last thought: I don't do the housework and cleaning for a "good girl" or praise. It's something that needs to get done. I can't see Sir being the strict disciplinarian that I read about on other blogs, especially about cleaning. But I do miss it now and then. Before Sir, I wasn't only a bedroom sub. Whereas Sir wants me to be more independent and self-sufficient, standing on my own two foot better. He's pushing me into that narrow bedroom submissive position, whether He knows it or not. I am more than capable of running my own life but god help Sir if He ever changes His position on this. That's going to be one hell of a battle. :-P

Dom and sub Accountability

Yearning Letgo was apparently on the same train of thought as me today in her post here.

I've been thinking about accountability. Personal and within the confines of a D/s relationship.

D/s relationships by their very nature can only work when both people are doing what their role requires of them. Dominants must maintain an active control over the submissive, while the sub must actively submit to that control as necessary.

The Dom has clearly defined tools to keep the sub on the right path. Discipline, tasks, rules, punishments. However, at the end of the day, the sub has to WANT to submit. The desire must come from within. Or it would be like a man trying to push a mountain; it will never be done. What the Dom has are means to help and assist the sub.

By the same token, a Dom must want the power and control. It is not something that can be forced, coerced, or demanded of another. It must be a freely accepted need to take power over a sub.

What happens when a Dom needs focusing? Needs that nudge to continue on the path?

As a sub, I have had difficulty with this in the past. Expressing my needs and gently explaining what isn't being met can help. Not always though. It can seem like another burden being placed or seen as questioning the Dom's decisions. When one is new, or even in a new relationship, this can be a huge blow to the ego. Even for a good, well-intentioned Dom, it can be easy to feel like toes are being stepped on or even *gasp* that a sub is topping from the bottom.

It's been something on my mind lately. How to serve a Dom who is slowly stepping back into the role, after some years away. Then I was thinking more in the broader sense, for subs in general.

The answer was startling simple. For a Dominant, the use of dominance furthers the path of the submissive. Honed carefully by knowing the sub, in and out, so as to appropriately direct.

For the submissive then, the path to bringing a Dom back on track is submission. Service. Submitting. Stepping up and easing the burdens of the Dom to make life easier and more comfortable. Being available and of easy access, in an obvious yet non-aggressive manner.

It made sense as soon as I touched upon the idea. What better to draw forth dominance than by offering exactly what it craves, needs, demands? It seems simple, and it really is. It's keeping up with assignments and tasks. Sticking to rituals. Doing little things of service.

Is the morning rushed? Then make it easier. By the night before, laying out neatly everything necessary. Bathroom, kitchen, outfits. Whatever makes things easier. Is dinner regularly rushed and ill-planned? Make a schedule with planned meals ahead of time. Fill it with the Dom's favorites, especially on night's when you know it'll be a hectic/rough day at work.

Only the sub in question can know what is right for the Dom. Whether if and what will help reduce stress and burdens. But, if it seems like the dominance is fading a bit, being proactive can help the Dom see exactly what is so damn appealing about D/s. It'll also help the sub feel better as it's strengthening the submissive connection.

Something to think about, next time the submissive jitters are taking over. For that matter, the dominant ones too. Yes, nothing is a substitute for good, honest, open communication. But no one wants to be a nag and sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Learning some lessons

I have a lesson to learn.

Learn when to be quiet and do as I'm told.

He appreciates that I want to give back to Him. He appreciates the effort.

At the same time, I need to learn that He knows what He wants and needs. If He wants more, all He has to do is say so.

It's not my place to push that.

He also needs to be more direct in putting a stop to behavior in me He doesn't like.

I thought were were kind of flirting with word usage too, which was fun for me.

I assumed...that got me in trouble.

I thought He should have more in return for what He's given me. I assumed He'd want more.

Also, I need to be more direct myself when it comes to asking for things from Him.

I'm working on it! I'm still learning what He expects of me. What leeway I have. It's also harder to define the line since we're friends with benefits, not Dom/sub.

Though the line between the two is very fine in our case.

I did notice that since our conversation on Sunday, we're not talking past each other.

That's why we managed to get the newest lessons out into the open with little fuss.

Having a lot more out in the open seems to be helping...even if I do need to learn my place.

If He wants me more submissive, pliable, obedient...I have no issues with that. At all.

I think it's a side of me He wants to see more. Flex His dominance.

Sounds like a fun time to be had!

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.