6 Months :)

Six months of friendship

smiles and laughs that opened my heart

tears and hugs touching our souls

Don't know what I'd do if we hadn't met

you brought light to my dark world

hope to one who had given up

Six months of slowly growing love

that I denied, ignored, rejected

until I could only accept it

Now we wait on whispered promises

holding tight, your hand in mine

for the day we can shine a light on Us

I am still sick and not going anywhere tonight, tomorrow, maybe not for a few days yet. I was up for about 10 minutes earlier in the afternoon. Wanted to get a bath around to feel clean again. By the time I was soaking in the tub, I was spent. Exhausted and ready for bed.

Took me a good 20 minutes to be somewhat decent again. Damn flu!

This means no time with Sir tonight. That's okay though. We'll have more time together in the future. We will see each other on Sunday after all. Maybe if I can get well, I can see Him sometime this week as well.

We talked a bit on skype earlier and He promised to be back. :)  Holding Him to that, especially with how I was making Him smile.

So, yesterday's post. Were I not sick and only semi-coherent, I don't know if I would have posted that. Well, I don't know if I would have shared nearly so much.

Sir and I are private people. Definitely don't want to connect this blog with our real lives, for practical reasons. I'd say He's even more private than I am, which is why I choose very sparingly to give out details.

Yesterday's post was an explanation of sorts. That we want this. God above we do! But doing it right and in the right time matters more. And given what we've decided to be, the depths of what that means...it's not casual. It's not just D/s. It's fuller, more complex.

It needs more time and attention we can give to it. His choice, mind you one I agree with wholeheartedly. A respectful nod to my past and those who were involved. I respect Sir more for it...as much as I want Him, all the time really.

And that's all I'll say on the matter. It's a choice that was ours to make. We could have made others. We could have gone public now, like we had discussed at one point. But time and space do wonders.

Like I said, I'm thinking long term again. This is a smart choice for the long term.

not me in the picture!! LOL

Now, Sir needs to return so I can continue being cute and snuggly. As well as gushing about how much I love Him. And how He's my giant teddy bear. My protector. Hee hee!!

I really do love Him. So much. I wait for the day I can be truly His. The foresight He has shown tells me that He will make an exceptional Owner and a giving, thoughtful lover.

A Date

I am going to nap after writing this so warning now that coherency may not follow.

I'm officially calling Wednesday a date. Why? Because upon reflection, it was one. In reality, I think it was our first.

Yes, we get together often. We've done dinner and lunch before. But it always felt like friends going out. Or our weird "more than friends but not quite anything else" thing that we did for months.

Now I wouldn't even judge it based on who paid or what not. Though it was strange having Him pay for the movie and dinner. I'm not used to that anymore. But I very much appreciated that He did. It was sweet. :)

It was the way He held my hand the entire movie. How He opened the doors into the diner we went to after the movie. Though I have a thing with men who open doors for me. I'm very independent and like to prove it.

If He wants to open doors and not have me fight it, He may want to make a rule about that. Or lay down some foundations of what He expects. Because I'm not going to wait around for a guy to open my door when I'm quite capable of doing such.

Mmm, I love His kisses. They are tender, careful, and sweet...just like Him. There's restraint to His kisses. I look forward to the day when He lets His passions out of the box He keeps them stuff in.

It was a bunch of little things that made it a "date." His attentiveness. Our banter. Everything.

Our first was much better than most first dates I've had. Likely knowing each other for 6 months first helps that. LOL!! It feels at times we're doing this all sorts of sideways and backwards. After all, He is my Sir. I am His sweet submissive kitten. You'd think we'd have had a real date before that.

Strange enough, while the D/s has always been easy, it's trying to fit the rest in place that has been difficult. It's why we've stumbled so often along the way. D/s is but a slice of who we are. The complete package is far more complex and more difficult to attain as a couple.

It's a work in progress. We'll get there eventually. :)

Soaring

I'm floating in the afterglow as I write this.

There's so much that has happened, that we've said to each other.

I think it was Wednesday night that He said He could get used to having a little sex kitten under His control.

I offered Him Thursday evening control over my orgasms. I told Him it was fine, if not. I was trying to determine the lines between our play and when I had freedom of control.

He hesitated, saying that it would be left in my power. He'd only take control when we both agreed on it. Then it occurred to Him that I'd always say yes.

So He took control of my orgasms and I have to give Him daily reports. Cumming without permission results in a punishment...hopefully that won't be needed.

My head is spinning. I'm trying to stay grounded. Because I know this is but one small step for Him and I into the world of kink.

It's taken basically from July until now to get to this point. I don't mind one bit. The journey here has been incredible and necessary. The building up of trust, respecting the whole of each other, recognizing all the vanilla things that are so amazing...it allowed us to be here.

Part of me is this giddy ball of joy. Tempered by the fact that things will still be going very, very slowly. Though it is nice to be finally approaching the bdsm and kink aspects of each other.

I keep smiling, an expression of sheer bliss. Being controlled, in any regard, sits so well with me.

It's like I have these wings but I'm too afraid to fly on my own. I'd fly too close to the sun, like Icarus not listening to caution. But with a proverbial leash of sorts, I can spread those wings and soar without fear. Knowing I'll be reigned in before going too far.

Granted, it's not near enough control for that kind of freedom. Maybe one day. Only time will tell if this is what He really wants. I'm okay with waiting and enjoying the ride in the mean time.

We have so much fun together. Out with friends. Watching whatever movie He feels like I've missed out on, lol. Helping Him gain confidence in cooking. I enjoy hearing about His day at work. None of that changes. A small, very lovely piece has just been added to the mix.

Our Friendship

Truly He is one of the best friends I've ever had.

That's the level at which we exist most of the time: Friendship.

Not sex or bdsm or our "whatever-you-want-to-call-it" relationship...though on occasion those do arise.

Because of that, a lot of our time together doesn't get brought up here. Mainly because trying to explain the context of things would be time consuming, and likely reveal more about us than either of us are comfortable with.

However, this is one of those exceptions.

Yesterday morning I was really good...until I hit one of the dark spots. The kind where the mind is its own worst enemy. It's a dark place that eats away at happiness and peace. I hope y'all know what I mean by that.

He was there for me. Talked me through the worst of it. How did He put it?

"I will never let you go gently into the dark."

I didn't have to battle it alone. I finally understood many of our past conversations. I am stronger having people around me who truly care about me. He's told me time and time again that He'll always be there for me. Moments like yesterday morning back up His words.

I may be a bit broken and a little fractured but that doesn't change our friendship. He's not going to abandon me, no matter what part of me He sees. He said something super sweet and comforting:

"You get to keep me. 

And even if I go in person you get to keep your memories of me."

I'm used to people leaving and being really shitty on the way out. So often, He's told me that He won't be that way.

Considering the strength of the friendship we have, and are continuing to build...I believe Him.

Getting a little more personal

It occurs to me that except for the little side blurb y'all don't know much about me.

I was corrupted my freshman year of high school. By a guy I had known on and off for years, as far back as 6th grade. Maybe longer? Lol

We were only friends for a year, but it was one of the best friendships I've ever had. It was one of those connections beyond words.

"Bite me" took on a whole meaning with that friend. Mmmm, bruises. The first of many.

I didn't find BDSM until later on, but I was definitely damn perverted and kinky from that point forward.

I've had...hold on I'm counting...8 previous dominant partners. Not all were my Dom, to be clear. I have the bf now (who is dominant), but he's still current to my life. I've had 4 submissive partners. One of those overlapped. We started him-Dom, me-sub...then he realized he was submissive.

Basically, I am not new to this by any means. Though I'd not claim to have it figured out better than anyone else.

Most of my experience with BDSM and D/s has revolved around the emotional and mental aspects. Pain too. Likely why I'm such a masochist.

I attend quite a number of events on a regular basis. Munches, parties, etc. My life is kinky...just not too much in my personal life, right now.

The boyfriend lives a few hours away. We see each other when we can; do the best we can with it.

With Him, we are what we are. Which I'm damn well content with. It's just not D/s or BDSM inclined at this given moment. Well, it is and it isn't. It's inherent to who we both are and it does work so well together. It's just not something actively being given attention currently.

Part of me misses the spanking, domination and submission, pain, floggers, canes, crop...I miss more the feelings of control. The mental and emotional leashes...the security that comes along with that. I miss the closeness. The feeling that I have someone there who is not going anywhere. Who I can trust and depend on...

Not that I truly found that in the past. Which is why I'm no longer with said people. But I miss the pieces of it I did get...I miss the process of trying to achieve that with another person.

But it's also not going anywhere. I'm not about to leave it all behind.

I'm just taking a breather. Letting me find my place as a person again before jumping back into the D/s.

So I have lots of stories I can tell y'all about. Lots of thoughts on submission, domination, switching, etc. I have infinite ideas on the nature of power exchange, and the levels it can exist in.

I'm sure I'll talk more about religion, especially Christianity. It's fitting with where I am now. It does tie in so well with BDSM after all.

I think the next post will be something on power exchange. That sounds intriguing right now.

Content with no regrets

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow this is all settled.

No matter what happens, I'll be relieved and happy.

Yes even if we remain friends only and I never get to feel His touch again, I will be happy.

My life is better just for having Him in it. Richer. Fuller.

While some part of me hopes and waits with bated breath, I'm not worried.

I have no regrets.

Love is a funny thing. Unconditional even more so. I fell in love knowing full well He may never feel the same. I love Him to a depth that I will be happy for Him, no matter where His life may lead Him.

When I woke this morning, it was as if from a fog. Depression is also a funny thing.

I've not mentioned the details of why we don't have something more. The reasons haven't changed. My drive for more has.

He is worth fighting for. Even helping Him fight his hesitancy and doubts, if He'll let me.

Before I had the courage to tell Him that I love Him, I used the word "adore" which I still find apt.

I respect that He takes time to make decisions. And that He's aware now is the time to make one. Though I may have given Him a slight push, heh.

No regrets. None at all.

I'll be a bundle of nerves tomorrow. That's okay.

In this moment, I am content. I have done all I can. Laid forth what I'm willing to do, if necessary.

I'm soaking in a hot bath. All the tension gone. A decision is finally being made.

I can relax in peace.

Trust, Blow Jobs, & Waiting Patiently

We talked for hours last night. So much that I completely distracted Him from cleaning. My bad!

Each of us shared the internal feelings and struggle within. He hasn't dated anyone in two years. He took a break from all of it.

Of course He wonders how much of the attraction is based on loneliness and availability. There is a little from that.

I felt the same way. If that, because he was local and intriguing, I was trying to pursue someone I shouldn't.

The truth is there is something very real and genuine between us. We want to let that part grow and nurture it properly.

We spoke about oral sex. It all began with me saying: "I'm a sucker for you and your evil ways."

He made a joke about not literally...

We spoke about the boundaries that would shift. He might become more possessive of me, if we crossed that line. I left it up to Him.

Very submissive of me, I know. But I respect His boundaries and trust Him to make the right decision.

I'm going to dinner at His place over the weekend. Maybe watch a movie. Get all close and snuggly. Get my hair pulled. Yum!

We also agreed to take this very slowly. Ultra slow, if necessary. I'm in no rush. He wants me and some part of Him wants to throw caution to the wind.

He's too levelheaded though. I'm too content with the slow paced development.

Right now, it's still friends with benefits. Mainly friends.

He has just as much emotional baggage as I do. There's an incredible level of trust and safety with each other.

It's something we can help each other with, as we become closer.

I'm still not convinced I'm the type of woman He wants and needs.

Until He tells me otherwise, I have no intention of putting my heart on the line or wanting for more than what exists now.

In Wishes and Coffee

I've only known him since July. It seems like we talk every day or near about that. It's easy to lose hours in our conversations.

We see each other at local events. Have even done the dinner and coffee thing. I'll be seeing him later this evening.

I'm nervous, excited, worried...petrified. Not of him but of my own reactions. We're mixing things up tonight, for us. Testing each other's strengths and weaknesses.

I want him to be stronger.

Please be stronger. I am a woman with a weakness, in a man with a devious smile, a strong laugh, and a brilliant mind.

He's not the first with the potential to completely overpower me, in every sense. I think he'd be the first to have the courage to try and the skills to do it right.

Ah, if only our paths had met at a different point in time...though technically we had. We were different people then. It truly would have crashed and burned between us. Then we were presented a second chance, once our lives were in better places.

Yet still the timing isn't right.

So I will meet with him this evening. Share a lot of laughs. He'll give me looks that will melt me to my core  and stop my breath. It'll be intense, sexually charged, and controlled. He'll push my buttons and I'll have to resist him at every turn.

All because I asked. Because we need to know if I can. What it'll mean if I can't.

I'm not the only one falling...

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.