Well Fuck

I'm really sorry I haven't been writing lately. Here or anywhere. I've not been right in my own head. I saw it coming for about 2-3 months now. Earlier this month, I even brought up the idea of antidepressants and I hate everything about the idea of those.

I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon. I don't know how that conversation is going to go...I'm scared. That's not something I admit very often. I feel like the fire burning within that keeps me going is dying out.

I wanted to let y'all know that I'm still around. I have a lot to say but this isn't the place to say it. It's really bad in my mind right now and that doesn't need to be here. I'm not reading much these days either.

Steve's worried. Of course he is. He's the only one who knows how bad it truly is, and without being in my mind, he can only guess. Even he doesn't know that I've been thinking about an inpatient or a daily outpatient program for the last month. The thought of doing something like that makes me want to tear my skin off, so that should tell you that this is bad.

On the plus side, I always write some really amazing poetry and short stories when I'm in this kind of mindset. Dark, but great. Maybe once I'm not quite so awful, I'll share some of that here.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads this and has been with me over the last two years. I appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.

A conversation with Depression

Depression: Why hello there JAS. Did you miss me?

No, I really didn't.

D: But I'm familiar,  remember?

*silence*

D: Awww, kitty got her own tongue?

What do you want?

D: Just wanted to say hello to an old friend. Remind you of all those little things you seem to forget now and then.

You're a liar.

D: No JAS, that would be you.

That may be the case sometimes, but you're all lies. Twisting the truth so I won't leave you. Throwing all those horrible memories at me whenever I'm happy.

You can't stand it, me moving on from your control. But I'm not the only one fighting anymore. And unlike me, they'll never believe your lies. I don't have to be perfect; they love me anyway.

D: For now. What happens when they leave? They always leave. Then you'll be all alone, turning right back to me.

Funny thing about that. I believe in them. Whatever may happen, they won't leave.

D: Even Him? I know your fears. I push on those fears, tempt Him with leaving. You know it's only a matter of time. And then you'll fall to pieces. I know you can't handle another heartbreak, especially not from Him. You'll embrace me because I was right.

I am scared and I know you use that against me. But you aren't real. You are all the bad things that have ever happened. You are the pain and fear personified in my mind. I understand. You're scared too, because you are me.

You're just as afraid of getting hurt. In a messed up way, you're trying to protect me. Unfortunately, I know you for the lies you are. I never wanted the depression. Even if you never go away, you won't be the voice with the final say ever again.


I know this isn't the update y'all were expecting, but I needed it. It's been a rough few days in my own head. In the next post, I'll tell you all about the good and bad that has occurred. Mostly good things though. :)

Intermission

This isn't a "I'm back" post.

More of an intermission piece.

We should all realize by now that He is right by saying I need professional help in the form of therapy. I admit I have issues that have been around for far too many years. That I can track the depression for over a decade now says more than I ever could.

I've never actually disagreed that I need the help. I distrust therapists, immensely. I've had my share of downright bad ones. I do not trust them not try to get me locked up in a mental institution. It doesn't matter that I know the laws in my state. I reviewed them in great detail. Yep, huge amounts of total distrust.

Look I've been in and out of therapists offices since I was a little kid. I know I have my issues, which are by and large swept under a rug. The not so great things about me: major depression, anxiety, trauma from sexual, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment issues.

I suffer from panic attacks. I have a negative voice in my head that thinks everything is going to go wrong all the time, and because of that, I'm no good to anyone. I regularly suffer flashbacks from several majorly traumatic events.

Yet I also try to convince myself that I didn't have it so bad as to warrant help or even that I don't have a right to be screwed up. It drives Him insane that I will give a mile to anyone I care about with any kind of problem, yet I won't recognize that I have legitimate reasons to not be okay.

Until now. I went searching through local therapists in the area. There's one I liked immediately. He specializes in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. He also works with LGBTQ issues. So I shouldn't be able to surprise or scare the guy too terribly. "No, I'm not the 50 shades of grey kinky. I'm so much worse. *me grinning*"  Or "Oh, relationships. Well do you want the long or short answer on them? I'm happy with those after all.  *noting the plural, the guy's eyes go wide*"  

Sir, you sure you want me seeing a therapist?? Hahaha

So yeah, I'm working up the nerve to fill out a form on the therapist's website. I can stare at it, even read through the questions. It's the "briefly describe why I'm looking for a therapist" and "describe treatment history" that I have no idea  how to answer. Maybe it'll come to me sometime in the next few days.

Uninspired Title

I'm not doing too bad right now. I saw K and R...I think that's the "names" I use for them. The play partners, very good friends, the ones who partially think me their kitten, etc. Whom Sir shares me nicely with. :)

I saw K and R last night. It's always good to spend time with them. They asked about Sir and how we're doing. I mentioned that the depression was kicking my ass again. R understands as she has her own battle with it. She mentioned June would be better for their schedule. I'm thinking Sir and I need to make plans with them soon.

Granted, Sir and I need to figure out our own plans. We both have time this week and we're going to see a movie. Probably Iron Man 3, unless there's something more interesting out which I doubt. He did send me a good night text last night. It was very sweet and appreciated. We also were talking about ways to manage depression earlier in the day.

I segregate everything in my head. The intent was to deal with everything individually as well as function a little better. It's not the best solution, not by any means because even individualized, trying to deal with the pain is overwhelming. I used to repress things and silly me went looking for answers several years ago. The answers didn't help. I'd argue they made things worse.

This blog and my other writings are an outlet to manage the depression. I can sort out an issue or siphon off a bit of the pain/fear/panic. I keep myself busy and do what I can to get through each day. Sometimes it's enough. Others, not so much.

On an unrelated note, I kind of want a play thing. A male sub that I can poke, beat, and just do all sorts of horribly lovely things to. This urge appears now and then. I'd have to ask Sir about it. I barely get time with Him; I'm not about to give any of that up for a play thing. Or ya know, if we found a female sub we could both torment...

It's a little ironic given that I want to delve deeper into submission with Sir, and yet I want a play thing as well. A nasty little slut, at that. It's likely to happen at some point or another. Probably more once Sir and I figure out what the heck we're doing. Because that is priority number one for me. While I want to indulge in a bit of sadistic fun, I won't do it at the expense of my relationship with Him.

Though there is something to be said about having a sub boy/slave chained up in one's basement waiting to be of service. Maybe there's a bit more of a Domme in me than I'd like to admit, hehe.

Debates Over Therapy

I was writing a nice post yesterday. A lighter piece from the last few days, full of love and sweetness. I apologize that you're not reading that one instead.

About half way through, the depression crashed into me like a damn semi truck. I haven't been able to shake it since. Or a tidal wave might be more accurate. Since trying to stay on top of the depression is like keeping my head above water as it tries to pull me down to the dark depths.

Sir wants me to talk to someone, a professional. This is not the first time we've had this conversation. I doubt it'll be the last. We're both biased in different directions about therapy. I am so frustrated by therapists that I let that malice enter my words directed His way. It wasn't fair and I apologized for it. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I can't blame Him for it.

I don't see the personal advantages of seeing a therapist. I know it can do wonders for people. It's a positive if the therapist is any good. But I don't like therapists nor do I trust them. And the one time I met the right therapist and gave it a true chance, I was a mess constantly. I could not function in my day to day life, and we had barely touched a tip of the iceberg of issues.

I keep everything carefully locked away for a reason. I don't go near those parts because they're like landmines. I do much better when I stay far away from it all. But you ask, what caused the initial spark of depression?

The best I can tell, though it seemed like a reaction to being hit by negative waves at the time, was I had a panicked moment about this blog. That what I was doing, writing about Sir and I, was wrong. That He must hate me for it. Obviously, He reads this and it's something we've talked about before. Yet there was no voice for rational thought yesterday, especially not above the sea of chaos and darkness.

But this blog doesn't make sense for being the initial start of a depressive episode. It could have been something delayed from anything. Or my mind simply fucking with me. I wouldn't put it past my mind to have a depressive episode be caused by nothing in particular.

I know Sir is just worried about me. He hates when I'm not doing well and I know He feels like there's not much He can do to help. It's why He suggested that I go see someone for help. It comes from a place of love and concern. It's likely the only reason why I'm not mad or why it didn't further set off the depression. It's frustrating because therapy is supposed to be the doctor and medicine for the mind. Yet for me, it's one of the quickest ways to shut down and retreat.

So, I don't know what to do. Stay with keeping my head above the water I guess. I do feel better than I did yesterday. The depression hasn't been lasting near as long since around the new year. I'm sure it'll be a few days yet, but I'm fighting the good fight. Maybe I will get into therapy at some point. Actually, if Sir and I stay together, I'm sure it'll be a 'when' not an 'if.' We've had this conversation too many times now. Eventually I'll go just to prove one of us right and to stop the continuing debate over this.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon to finish the sweetness post from yesterday. This blog needs something light and fun. Truthfully, I'm in need of that too. And I could use some time with Sir but that's always the case. :)

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

I have to give Him credit. He noticed that I didn't send the daily report nor did I say good morning to Him. Heh, as He said, "When you're not speaking to me, alarm bells go off."

He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.

See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.

I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.

Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.

We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D

We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.

I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.

And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.

We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.

Processing

I was trying to explain myself to Sir over text this morning. I don't think I was very clear so I'm going to try to expand my thoughts here.

I've been processing the weekend. The erotic fantasy we were trying to set up? Well, at least on my end, it comes from a place of wanting to be desired. Being wanted to the point where traditional barriers are broken. It's not about the thrill of a stranger. No, more like having a place and person to belong to.

I was thinking about it early this morning. The fantasy no longer does it for me. Why? Because over the last 8 months, Sir has given me more than I could have ever hoped for. I've never felt so cherished, loved, treasured and wanted.

Even more, He's built up my own self-worth. I feel comfortable in my skin. I have my issues but He's shown me that those don't impact the value of who I am. And He's good at reminding me of that whenever I forget. He's helped me see all the wonderful things about me.

Some of my exes weren't nearly as nice. One had me convinced I could never be a good sub because of the depression. Another tried to convince me that no one but him would ever put up with my physical health issues. Basically I was told I was too much work. That who I am wasn't worth the effort.

Sir has helped me see that all they said is wrong. He's not the only one who has helped me get here but He's definitely been the most helpful. He's accepted me every step of the way. No fantasy, no matter how attractive in theory, could ever compare to the reality.

It's the man who has given me so much that I crave and long for. When He told me that I'm dear to Him, more than anyone has been in a long time...His eyes lit up, a sparkle and a warmth to them. I'm going to start crying again just thinking of it. Happy tears!

What I'm trying to say is He's amazing. Forget all the fantasies. Give me my Sir any day. I love Him. He's better than any fantasy, and unlike a fantasy, He's quite real and very much mine.

I'm still not sure this makes much sense. But maybe this will make a bit more sense to Sir than my earlier texts.

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.

Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.

[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 

If you say so, heh.

I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 

I don't ever plan to leave.

Do you mean that the way I do?

How do you mean it?

I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.

I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.