Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Being Realistic

Sir and I were texting on Monday night. When He asked how I was doing, I explained my head space was jumping around from all the writing and analyzing. I ended up sending Him the last two posts early. They were already written and mulled over several times over.

It's a scary thing to reveal the truth beneath the lies I had almost convinced myself were real. I wanted to be happy but I didn't want to be vulnerable and let people in to see the real me. There was the line that was not crossed for many years. It was an unhealthy existence for myself but more so for the relationships I was in. That's not to say I didn't care about any of them. But when I look back and realize they all should have been friends or less, rather than lovers, the truth reveals itself.

Sir did just the opposite. He withdrew into himself and hid from the world. He didn't date or connect with anyone. Absolutely career focused. He was aching and hurting just as I was. The only difference was in how we both expressed it.

I've mentioned that we met online around January '11. It was either then or the December before. It was almost as if someone up there whispered, "Not yet."  That would have been terrible, back then. His heart was still raw and my life, if you can believe it, was more of a mess than it is now. He mentioned this on Tuesday night while at the bar with some friends. He said something to the effect of "This wouldn't have gone very far." He's right because it didn't. We exchanged a few messages and then we went our separate ways. I thought He was kind of a jerk back then, heh. And lord only knows what He thought of me. It goes to show that online perceptions can be extremely inaccurate, especially in the beginning conversations. It could also show that who Sir and I are now, we're not the same people, which I think is good on both counts.

I wondered in the beginning of this blog if the outcome would be the same regardless. Already things have changed. We recognize that we're healing and it has a lot to do with love. We're definitely happier too. Everyone can see that. Common friends have pointed it out, at least the ones who know the cause behind it. One did last night, as I was sobering up. Our friend said that we're sickeningly cute and he's envious of the love we share. My friends see it; the best friend greatly approves of Sir. After helping the monster and I while she was away, pretty sure Sir has made her Top 10 list. Our lives are better for having met and known each other; that's something special in and of itself.

Honestly, we have no idea what we're going to do next. He's been telling me about career plans, the very limited frame of time He has to implement the next step in His plan. He has very long term, lofty goals. While I could live very humbly and happily, I support His goals 110% because they are important to Him. Depending on how things go, He could move elsewhere at any point. It'll depend on who offers the best job and what He wants out of life.

I'm not as mobile as He is to pack everything and go. I own my own place. Paint is just starting to get up on the walls. I have plans for this house. It's a gorgeous place, simply needs a bit of work to get it there. His focus is without, mine is within. Not to mention I have some unfinished business in my home state and I can't be too far away before that gets settled. Crossing fingers that'll happen this year. If that's the case, I'll have more options as well.

With so many unknowns, we can have all the wishes and desires we want. But making them a reality is much more difficult. I'm sure as hell not going anywhere even if He moves half way across the world. He's stuck with me, if that much hasn't been made clear. What that means however is unclear. He said to me on Saturday morning that He can't make plans for two, when He's still trying to figure out plans for one.

We have no idea where this relationship will lead us anymore than you all do. Or if our love can survive all the unknowns. One thing is clear, He is worth it. I have no regrets. I'm better for having known Him, for having loved Him, for being loved by Him.

For now, we're doing good together. We're happy and there's hope in our hearts. One day we'll have decisions to make. Until then, all we can do is enjoy every minute we have together.

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:

You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.

I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.

Upon Reflection

A few months ago, Sir gave me a journal of His to read. It was from a few years ago. Over the weekend we spent together, He let me read a little bit more. I cried reading His words. The fear and frustration broke my heart. I curled up close with Him, saying that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm prepared to stay. I know the sources of conflict that may arise at some point. I see those differences and think, "We can find a way to make this work." It's not just a fanciful thought either. I trust that we can find compromises and middle ground. We've done so rather well up until this point.

There was another smaller piece of writing that He let me read. It's a variation of Psalm 23, in a D/s context. It touched me deeply. I'd love it if He'd allow me to share it here with you. If He ever stops being overworked and busy, I'll ask Him about it. That's why I haven't mentioned the guest post either. Life has been very hectic and I understand.

He often keeps His emotions tightly wrapped up but I'm learning the signs. Like yesterday when He said, "Good morning, lovely."   I couldn't suppress a grin and a fluttering in my stomach. I appreciate the little signs of affection. He often kisses my forehead which leaves me feeling cherished and protected.

I value the trust and vulnerability it takes to share His past with me. Especially in the confines of a private journal, I understand how much more exposed those thoughts often are.

He was wrapped up in furthering His career when we met. Well, He still is but it's not a bad thing. He wasn't looking for love, romance, definitely not a sub when He strolled into that room back in July. He barely knew if He wanted to come back to TTWD.

Not us

It's taken a while to realize what this is, what all it means. It was a couple of years since He was last romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to share too much, as this is His life. I only say that to illustrate His perspective. I came into His life and threw a curve ball. I can imagine it was unsettling to start back up in the BDSM community, trying to navigate those waters, and figuring out why this woman (who was far too open with Him from the moment we met) felt like meeting an old friend.

Not to mention the physical chemistry between us. All of that physical chemistry that sat just under the surface for several months...

That might give a better idea of how things have progressed with Him. Because at some point, He decided that this was genuine and something worth pursuing. I can tell you the night when I noticed the change, back in January. Since that time, we've been growing closer. There are still some walls between us and if we continue down this path, eventually they'll have to come down.

Upon reflection, I realize how far we've come. Both of us have been happier. We've been furthering the connection between us. What we share is worth treasuring and fighting for. It's worth the compromises. It's always been worth it, no matter where this journey takes us.

Processing

I was trying to explain myself to Sir over text this morning. I don't think I was very clear so I'm going to try to expand my thoughts here.

I've been processing the weekend. The erotic fantasy we were trying to set up? Well, at least on my end, it comes from a place of wanting to be desired. Being wanted to the point where traditional barriers are broken. It's not about the thrill of a stranger. No, more like having a place and person to belong to.

I was thinking about it early this morning. The fantasy no longer does it for me. Why? Because over the last 8 months, Sir has given me more than I could have ever hoped for. I've never felt so cherished, loved, treasured and wanted.

Even more, He's built up my own self-worth. I feel comfortable in my skin. I have my issues but He's shown me that those don't impact the value of who I am. And He's good at reminding me of that whenever I forget. He's helped me see all the wonderful things about me.

Some of my exes weren't nearly as nice. One had me convinced I could never be a good sub because of the depression. Another tried to convince me that no one but him would ever put up with my physical health issues. Basically I was told I was too much work. That who I am wasn't worth the effort.

Sir has helped me see that all they said is wrong. He's not the only one who has helped me get here but He's definitely been the most helpful. He's accepted me every step of the way. No fantasy, no matter how attractive in theory, could ever compare to the reality.

It's the man who has given me so much that I crave and long for. When He told me that I'm dear to Him, more than anyone has been in a long time...His eyes lit up, a sparkle and a warmth to them. I'm going to start crying again just thinking of it. Happy tears!

What I'm trying to say is He's amazing. Forget all the fantasies. Give me my Sir any day. I love Him. He's better than any fantasy, and unlike a fantasy, He's quite real and very much mine.

I'm still not sure this makes much sense. But maybe this will make a bit more sense to Sir than my earlier texts.

Thoughts Amidst the Preparations

My head is spinning.

I've spent the last day and a half preparing for Him to come over. Tomorrow's breakfast is baking in the oven. A phyllo dough-asparagus-egg-cheese loveliness. Or I hope it will be as I've never made it before. There's always eggs, bacon, and homefries if it doesn't work out. Dinner is going to be something spectacular. Rib eye, a squash dish, and roasted taters.

But we all know He's not coming over to have a candlelit dinner with me. No, my home is being cleaned and prepped for Him to do terrible, unspeakable things. And I'm left with this feeling of: "Omg, am I really going to do this???"

The answer is definitely a YES! But it's becoming all the more real with every passing hour.

The kitchen is the only room left looking like a mini-disaster. It's in the stages of clean-up. One of those "clean as I go" situations as I have to prep and cook dinner still. Besides that, I need to get myself ready. A nice bath to relax and shave. A quick shower after for practical cleansing.

I have to time dinner so it's ready by 7 so it can stay warm in the oven. After that, it's a rope tie of parts of me, make sure everything else is in place. Then the true waiting will begin.

It is lunch time. I should eat something somewhat hardy as who knows when I'll be eating tonight. Probably after I've been fucked a few times, heh.

I'm doing mental checklists as well as consulting my written list. I have some minor things to do left, like make sure all the toys are clean and in an accessible place. Put new batteries in the vibrators. Little things that I can't forget about.

Heh, I'm rambling to distract myself from the fact that I have no way to mentally and emotionally prepare for tonight. I've tried and there's nothing I can do. All I can see is Sir's evil grin. He gave me more than a few before bed last night. All throughout my house there are little signs of what awaits me.

He's going to make me watch, several times over. He even mentioned recording videos as things are happening for me to watch later during the scene.

I know exactly why I'm nervous. Not because of anything He plans on doing. There's healthy nervousness there and that adds to the thrill. No, this internal freaking out is because it won't matter that He's pretending to be a stranger. I will only be able to fight back for so long. Then the inner whore will appear. He'll see firsthand just how big of a slut I truly am.

That is both incredibly hot and frightening.

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.

Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.

[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 

If you say so, heh.

I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 

I don't ever plan to leave.

Do you mean that the way I do?

How do you mean it?

I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.

I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.

Losing my submission?

I have a problem. I walled myself in damn good this time. My inner submissive is buried deep and is glaring at the most recent attempts at being released.

I was out with friends last night. One guy is someone I've been friends with for nearly two years now. A great friend who is really fun to banter around with. He was trying to help the inner sub out, and we got nothing. Normally, I melt whenever someone grabs the back of my hair. There was literally no response. It was frustrating and heart breaking.

I sent off a text or two to Sir about it. Because He should know that I'm struggling and that I'm really off right now.

Honestly, this feels like when I first started this journey. Submitting to my first Dom was downright difficult and I fought back a lot. Submission was a struggle. As much as I craved it, I mentally resisted. To the point where it didn't always make an appearance.

Funny that Sir used the word "assertive" because that side is in full force. Reminds me of the old days, before I embraced the submission and what that meant for me. There was never a doubt that I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I led projects, events, groups, etc and things were done my way.

The deeper I delved into submission, the less of that assertive person I was. It didn't matter as much to me to always do or have things be my way. I became more focused on others. Making them happy and enhancing their lives. Giving people the gentle push to step up to be more.

The past few days? The sweet, gentle submissive has been missing. I miss that part of myself. I'm much more comfortable with that part of me. Seeing how assertive I am without that submissive balance, I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. What I remembered and the reality are very different. The submissive is far more compassionate.

Doesn't help that the assertive personality and the sadistic nature go together smashingly. That's not really who I am, not anymore.

So I'm off to find and dismantle the walls that I put up. Or figure out why the submissive side would suddenly up and hide deep within me. Because there's no way I'm going to continue on like this for any length of time.

Nagging Doubts

The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.

Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.

I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.

There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.

With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.

I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.

I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.

He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.

If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.

There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.

But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.

Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.

Opening a door?

*long post advisory*

In my previous post, I was talking about Sir opening doors for me. Blondie (who I cannot link because she doesn't have a public profile) commented about how I should just let Him open doors for me.

The simple answer is: If He wants to, then I should let Him.

However, things are never that simple.

For the sake of this post, the ex-boyfriend I'll be talking about I'll call "Rich." 

Rich was part of my life from Sept. 2005 to...well He slowly disappeared around the end of 2009. There's a lot of history there. He was the first guy to really take care of me. He treated me right. Did all the right things. Quite the gentleman. Opening doors, even to a car for me. His dad taught him well.

He was the first to intentionally open doors for me. It was all the time. I'll admit, I was spoiled. He came from a nouveau riche family. Money was not an issue. It was nothing to be taken out to an expensive restaurant just because. He took a trip to Hawaii. We'd only been together for a month or two. On his return, I was showered with gifts, including a pearl ring that he had made for me.

It was more than just the money that Rich dropped on me. It was the intent behind it. I was his girl and I would want for nothing. I didn't need to open doors; he was there. The guy was never cold, but he always had a jacket with him in case I got chilly.

He gave me one more ring. An emerald ring...I didn't want a diamond.

It was never "official" as the engagement was planned for at least another year or two. We had only been together a year or so when Rich gave me that ring, It was a promise though. Plus I think he wanted a ring made specifically for me.

Along the way with Rich, I lost my independent streak. I could even argue that I was no longer my own person. I was an extension of the guy I was dating. Never a good thing. But I was madly in love. We were in love. He was fantastic. I'll admit I screwed up that relationship, and badly.

Enter in the current boyfriend...the bf was best friends with Rich at the time...when we fell for each other.

It all spiraled out of control for awhile. Yet, a few months later, Rich and I made peace. We were still inseparable. In the summer of 2008 we took a long took at ourselves and each other. We almost got back together. Something in my heart told me I had to let him go.

It wasn't until summer of 2011 that I put that relationship behind me. "Opening a door" represents the past I shared with Rich, because it all started there. He would hold open doors even before we were a couple.

With every guy since, I've struggled with letting them open doors for me. I didn't want to mentally compare anyone to Rich as my heart was still very much hurting. I didn't to wrongly set up new people to fail because I placed them against an idealized memory.

So yeah...now you know a bit more about me. And Sir, knowing more about my life between Rich to the present time, is likely going to be very confused by certain actions I took. Or it all might make more sense. He is rather good at figuring me out.

Heh, I have not exactly made good relationship choices since Rich. That is until Sir. He is a very good choice. We've taken our time. Seemingly agonizingly slow, but it has been worth it. I think we've done this right.

Even though I'm scared...because I'm terrified to be so part of another person again. It's part of why relationships haven't been working. Because I wasn't looking for long term people, even if I thought I was. Most of them have been long distance, or the one which started out as a play partner that spiraled out of control...realistically, I wasn't looking for what would make me happy long term. Only immediate short term happiness.

Again, I met Him...and that all changed. Because Sir is someone with long term potential. That's why He's scary. I may have talked about the future with others, even made plans, deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't last.

I was searching for a way to mask the pain. And it never worked. It's why I was so unhappy. I also picked people who were absolutely not what I needed. Some of them down right terrible people.

For the first time since 2007, I'm with someone who I'd consider making and keeping plans with. Heh, that is terrifying. In the good way?? I'm sure this may not make total sense to Sir. He can ask any questions He wants/needs to, obviously.

I did mention that this is far more complex than it appears...

Sir has helped give me a lot of clarity over the last 6 months. Part of which has been the self-destructive path I've been placing myself on when it comes to relationships. And well life in general. Sir calls it "my room of pain" and for a long time I was afraid to venture out.

But maybe, with any luck, I'm at a better place for inner peace and happiness. Which in turn places me in a better position for Us to succeed.

Vulnerable and Happy

In a week's time, Sir and I will have known each other for 6 months. We agree that it's too long and short of a time frame. So much has happened, almost too much. Yet, it feels like it's just a drop in the water. There's still much yet to happen and discover.

Tentatively, we want to do something together next Tuesday. Just us, celebrating 6 months of incredible friendship and bonding. And a toast to many more months and years ahead of us. We'll have to plan something before then.

July 15th is never going to look the same again. :)

We've changed. Grown. Explored.

I see Him tonight, even if I do have to share Him. But tomorrow, we're getting dinner first and then going to see Les Miserables. I've heard great reviews of the movie, even if it is 2 1/2 hours long. Maybe grab a coffee or a drink after the movie to discuss it. It'll depend on how we're feeling and how late it is. Hmm, it won't be quite 10pm....it's sad that I consider that "late."

*smiles softly*  He's better than I ever expected...more than I could have hoped for.

No games or secret motives...simply Us.

He reminds me of one of my uncles, which is the greatest compliment I could ever give Him. The same fire to change the world and be someone important runs in His veins. That same fierce protectiveness is there as well. Sir even shares the same levels of gentleness and care.

Even though I doubt it'll happen, I would love for the two of them to meet. The energy of two such incredible men in one room would be breath-taking to watch. I also wouldn't mind my uncle's advice in regards to Sir as he's the one man I have always trusted.

I know it makes Him a little uncomfortable that I can discuss Him so often and freely. Partially because of the public nature of the blog...but I think mainly, it touches Him in a place that He wasn't ready to expose again. He may have more issues with being vulnerable than I do...poor man.

But I'll say this: It's good for Him.

He's happier. I know because He smiles more. Genuine smiles that shine from deep within.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to what the next 6 months will bring...