Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Uninspired Title

I'm not doing too bad right now. I saw K and R...I think that's the "names" I use for them. The play partners, very good friends, the ones who partially think me their kitten, etc. Whom Sir shares me nicely with. :)

I saw K and R last night. It's always good to spend time with them. They asked about Sir and how we're doing. I mentioned that the depression was kicking my ass again. R understands as she has her own battle with it. She mentioned June would be better for their schedule. I'm thinking Sir and I need to make plans with them soon.

Granted, Sir and I need to figure out our own plans. We both have time this week and we're going to see a movie. Probably Iron Man 3, unless there's something more interesting out which I doubt. He did send me a good night text last night. It was very sweet and appreciated. We also were talking about ways to manage depression earlier in the day.

I segregate everything in my head. The intent was to deal with everything individually as well as function a little better. It's not the best solution, not by any means because even individualized, trying to deal with the pain is overwhelming. I used to repress things and silly me went looking for answers several years ago. The answers didn't help. I'd argue they made things worse.

This blog and my other writings are an outlet to manage the depression. I can sort out an issue or siphon off a bit of the pain/fear/panic. I keep myself busy and do what I can to get through each day. Sometimes it's enough. Others, not so much.

On an unrelated note, I kind of want a play thing. A male sub that I can poke, beat, and just do all sorts of horribly lovely things to. This urge appears now and then. I'd have to ask Sir about it. I barely get time with Him; I'm not about to give any of that up for a play thing. Or ya know, if we found a female sub we could both torment...

It's a little ironic given that I want to delve deeper into submission with Sir, and yet I want a play thing as well. A nasty little slut, at that. It's likely to happen at some point or another. Probably more once Sir and I figure out what the heck we're doing. Because that is priority number one for me. While I want to indulge in a bit of sadistic fun, I won't do it at the expense of my relationship with Him.

Though there is something to be said about having a sub boy/slave chained up in one's basement waiting to be of service. Maybe there's a bit more of a Domme in me than I'd like to admit, hehe.

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:

You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.

I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.

All The Unspoken Questions

I had another post in the works for today, filled with sweetness and love. It'll be up tomorrow, I'm sure.

But I'm not feeling that right now. I don't know if it's sub drop from over the weekend, or a minor annoyance I have with Him, or frustration over what I can't change, even though it's been this way from the beginning. Maybe a combination of the three.

We were mid-conversation over text on Monday. Often time will go between texts and that is fine. That's not my issue. When I don't hear from Him at all until I see Him the next night, I want to smack Him across the back of the head. I was worried that something had happened to Him. And I'm not in touch with His vanilla world enough to have any way of finding out if something was wrong. Do you see how terrifying that is?

I made a flippant comment last night like "So I see you're alive" and while my tone was casual, my concern was genuine. I worry when I don't hear from Him for a day and a half with no warning, especially in the middle of a conversation.

We went for drinks after dinner last night with several friends. I only had two drinks, though I swear they put too much Jack Daniels in my jack and coke. It was enough to send my mind into unhappy places once I got home. I sometimes forget what really is between us. Friends who occasionally play and have sex. I know it's a bit more complicated than that with the D/s undertones. However, I need those and if I didn't, I doubt I'd have even that.

It's frustrating because I can't change it. I've known this for several months now. Most of the time, I can be as happy as possible with it. And it's on me, not Him. My life was complicated when we met and it still is. Even as parts become more resolved, it seems like we have so much waiting to do.

In contrast to this past weekend, last night was a cold dose of reality. Enough that a part of me wants to say, "I'm done. I can't keep putting myself through this. We'll pick this up again when we have better options." But I wasn't kidding when I said I need the D/s. It is a need, not a desire or want. It would kill me more to not have something with Him. So I have to suck it up and keeping moving forward. Even when it fucking hurts and I'm fighting back tears. I have to tell myself that it's worth it.

As for sub drop, well that sucks no matter how it occurs. After that awesome high and rush, then this crash of emotions. Like a dream that ends and fades too quickly. At least the "highs" are typically worth it.

I try very hard to be a great friend and an exceptional sub. Someone worthy. I know I'm justified in my above thoughts and feelings. Regardless, I feel like I'm betraying Him. Undermining us, whatever "us" that exists. But I really don't have the answers to the unspoken questions.

So I continue on. On and on and on.

Our Weekend Adventures

Where to begin? We're both quite worn out and very happy. He left this morning as there was laundry to do as well as a meeting later this afternoon. And by leaving this morning, I mean I barely let Him leave at 11:30.

My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!

Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.

Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.

The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.

I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.

We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!

Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.

Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.

It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.

Thoughts Amidst the Preparations

My head is spinning.

I've spent the last day and a half preparing for Him to come over. Tomorrow's breakfast is baking in the oven. A phyllo dough-asparagus-egg-cheese loveliness. Or I hope it will be as I've never made it before. There's always eggs, bacon, and homefries if it doesn't work out. Dinner is going to be something spectacular. Rib eye, a squash dish, and roasted taters.

But we all know He's not coming over to have a candlelit dinner with me. No, my home is being cleaned and prepped for Him to do terrible, unspeakable things. And I'm left with this feeling of: "Omg, am I really going to do this???"

The answer is definitely a YES! But it's becoming all the more real with every passing hour.

The kitchen is the only room left looking like a mini-disaster. It's in the stages of clean-up. One of those "clean as I go" situations as I have to prep and cook dinner still. Besides that, I need to get myself ready. A nice bath to relax and shave. A quick shower after for practical cleansing.

I have to time dinner so it's ready by 7 so it can stay warm in the oven. After that, it's a rope tie of parts of me, make sure everything else is in place. Then the true waiting will begin.

It is lunch time. I should eat something somewhat hardy as who knows when I'll be eating tonight. Probably after I've been fucked a few times, heh.

I'm doing mental checklists as well as consulting my written list. I have some minor things to do left, like make sure all the toys are clean and in an accessible place. Put new batteries in the vibrators. Little things that I can't forget about.

Heh, I'm rambling to distract myself from the fact that I have no way to mentally and emotionally prepare for tonight. I've tried and there's nothing I can do. All I can see is Sir's evil grin. He gave me more than a few before bed last night. All throughout my house there are little signs of what awaits me.

He's going to make me watch, several times over. He even mentioned recording videos as things are happening for me to watch later during the scene.

I know exactly why I'm nervous. Not because of anything He plans on doing. There's healthy nervousness there and that adds to the thrill. No, this internal freaking out is because it won't matter that He's pretending to be a stranger. I will only be able to fight back for so long. Then the inner whore will appear. He'll see firsthand just how big of a slut I truly am.

That is both incredibly hot and frightening.

What awaits me on Friday

He is an evil, sadistic man!! We've been sorting out more details for Friday night. I am willingly handing myself over to Him for a wild night of depravity. And believe me, it will be quite depraved!

It's no longer just a home invasion scenario. No, it got taken up a notch or two. He'll become a stranger, who has watched me and waited. Seen all of my dirty little secrets. Knows that I'm deviant. Finally can't resist anymore and breaks in to have the object of His obsession.

A cold and heartless man who will do whatever He pleases with me. Dark, humiliating, degrading things.

Oh my fear is quite real. I've seen Him reign in during a scene. That is enough to leave me shaking and breathless. I can't even imagine the man who will be walking into my home on Friday.

Furthermore, I have instructions on how to be prepared for Him on Friday. Besides the clothing to wear, my hair will be done up nicely as well as make-up. To aid in the ruining of me. It'll be set as if He's walking in on me having a private scene with self-bondage. My legs will be tied up pretty, and effectively so I will be helpless. Hands cuffed behind my back. Blindfold and collar on. Plugged and playing with a vibrator in my pussy.

That's how He'll find me. Helpless and ready to be tormented. Exactly how He likes me. Then He'll do terrible things to me. Lots of terrible plans, some of which I gave Him the ideas for. Sometimes I'm too helpful for my own good.

It's going to be an amazing time. Filled with more orgasms than I'll know what to do with. His plan is to have me be a quivering, incoherent mess by Saturday evening. Pretty sure He'll get there before Friday night is out.

I trust Him. I have to in order to go forward with a scene like that. But yes, I am very much nervous and afraid. Emotions that He plans on taking full advantage of come Friday.

Nagging Doubts

The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.

Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.

I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.

There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.

With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.

I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.

I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.

He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.

If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.

There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.

But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.

Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.