For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.
He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:
I LET HIM IN!!!
What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.
The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying.
Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.
The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.
I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.
I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.
The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.
I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.
I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.
Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.
He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.
My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.
Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.
These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.