Wednesday, August 12, 2015

We Never Really Say Goodbye

It feels strange to be writing again, after so long. There's so much to say and yet where to begin?

I'm seeing someone new. His name is Frank. We've been dating for two months now. The first month we took agonizingly slow and then we couldn't help ourselves. I wanted to drown in him from the first night we met. He's a Dom, a Sadist, a Daddy.

He's completely respectful of Lisa and my relationship. Her and I are stronger than ever.

Chris and I went 5 months without talking to each other. While I was wrapped up in the worst depression of my life. It's why I couldn't be here anymore. I had to get professional help, even more than just my therapist.

I now have a team of doctors and I'm in contact with Johns Hopkins to be seen by their specialists. The psychiatric stuff is being managed well, but the physical has taken some interesting turns. I'm apparently fascinating to my medical doctors and that's not a word I want associated with my body.

But on the whole I'm doing better. I'm really, really happy with Frank.

I'm still me though. I'm still poly. Frank and I may be helping each other relight flames in each other...but fuck if Steve still isn't the brightest flame in the goddamn room. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think there is anything to be done. He told me to move on. I have.

I'm in love with someone new, but I was always in love with Lisa too.

It doesn't just stop. My heart never stopped breaking and I'm still in love Steve. I know it shows sometimes around Frank and he hasn't asked about it, yet. One day he will and I won't really know how to explain it. That for the last three years I've been in love with someone who stopped loving me a long time ago.

I can at least see and admit that now. I don't know exactly when, but he did stop being in love with me a long time before things ended. And as I sit here crying, I think I shouldn't post this. It'll only stir up the past.

Because it is over, and there is no going back. I knew he was never mine. I should have listened to those instincts. Instead of crying over someone who was probably never worth all the effort and time I put in over the years anyway, at least not for me. He's worth it, just not for me.

There are some people we never get over. For me, it's always going to be Steve. No matter what happens, he's always going to break my heart a little for the rest of my life.