Sunday, February 28, 2016

No Good Options

Since last summer, Steve and I haven't been close. I saw him once in the fall; it may have even been September. I don't really remember anymore. The meds I'm taking make it harder to keep track of the days and months. Time eludes me. But he was over for dinner to meet Frank. Steve knows my housemate who's living with me. She has a job in the area for the year working for a library. It's to advance her career and it was an opportunity she couldn't pass down. I needed the company. One of Frank's friends who lives in town was also over for dinner that night, so it was an interesting evening.

Though the friend is now my friend as well. In the last year, I've lost a lot of friends who I used to hold dear. They chose to keep someone abusive around. I saw what he was doing to our friend. I helped get her out. And yet, they would rather believe I'm projecting my own past issues onto other people than believe that yet another person is an abusive asshole.

Yeah, my ex was a piece of shit. That's all I'm willing to say about that.

Last Monday Steve and I met for lunch. We wanted to bridge back together the pieces of our friendship. I was reserved, but damn if I don't still get butterflies every single time I see him. I shouldn't, especially now, but may the gods help me, I do.

Lunch went fine. He bought a house in the fall and asked if I wanted to see it. I had time so sure. It's a nice house; he can do a lot with it. We started talking and catching up. Four hours later...lots of crying...too many emotions.

There was a point. The attraction is still there as if June 8th, 2014 wasn't over a year and a half ago. It feels like a couple months. I fell right into subspace for him, something I haven't been able to touch since things ended between us.

But he just started seeing someone. They've liked each other for months now and just finally admitted it. He still sees us as having obstacles that will never be overcome, even though he's entirely wrong. He can have his opinion and I can have mine. The words "You are everything I've been looking for" still whisper in my mind. Words he said in awe.

Things have fallen out with Lisa. They just happened, in the same way we just happened into a relationship.

As for Frank, yes we've talked about the future. But that is something Steve never understood. I do that with everyone. I told him I did, but he didn't seem to believe me. I dislike unknowns. If things continue forward, I have a clear understanding of where Frank and I will be, where we stand, what we want for the future, etc.

But it's also been less than a year. And given everything I still feel for Steve, I'm conflicted. Steve says there will never be a future there. All he can offer is friendship. Is it right or fair to be with someone when my loyalty will always be with Steve? I love Frank...but I gave Steve everything. I bet everything on him.

And I would do anything to make him happy. I can't say that about anyone else. So I'm lost with no good options.