Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Undisclosed Desires

I've listened to this song dozens of times as I have the album but I've never really listened  until today. When I did, I was blown away.

It reminds me so much of Sir. And it's so kinky. Absolutely, deliciously kinky. I had an interesting fantasy of sorts listening to this song on repeat.

I'm standing in the middle of a room, naked before Sir. He grabs my chin with one hand, tight but not uncomfortably so. As He stares me down, I recall all the conversations we've had about how He wants to see me healed. That if there was something He could do to heal those wounds, He would. In that moment, I give over to Him completely. Bare and exposed; body, mind and soul.

He smiles to Himself seeing the emotions of understanding and surrender be painted along my features. Leaning in close, He whispers in my ear...

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

He pauses, seeing surprise flicker across my face. Sir knows exactly how I am, even better than I know myself. He wants all the pieces I keep tucked away and hidden for Himself, to play with and explore at His leisure.

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

With those words, I'm lost to Sir. And He begins the slow exploration of learning the puzzle that'll take the better part of a lifetime to unravel.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Jealousy and Fear

And it harm none, do what you will

I've spent ten years trying my best to live by those words, even if I'm constantly learning new ways of looking at those 8 simple words. Like today, realizing that those words apply just as readily to how I treat myself as to how I treat others. You'd think that'd be a tad obvious. Sometimes it's the obvious that eludes me most. Just ask Sir, lol.

Jealousy. When the heck did that become an issue? Because it is one, a minor one but still, I can't let it go on. I'll not beat around the bush; it comes from fear of betrayal which leads to suspicion and ultimately cultivates into jealousy.

If Sir thinks it's only around Him, it's not at all. Chris doesn't even know this, but when we weren't together for those few years, I had a jealous streak a mile long. Oh, I wanted him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. But those other women that were interested in him? One of them is even a friend, and I wanted to claw her eyes out. Because...mine. It's toned down quite a bit since then, ever since we picked things back up. Now? I'm even subtly helping him set himself up to date this one woman. She's warm and bright, in every sense. They'd be good for each other, and we came out of the poly closet to her over 6 months ago, so there'd be no surprises.

Lisa and I had our own issues to work through. In many ways, we have had and continue to have more issues than anyone I'm seeing. Our relationship makes what Sir and I go through look like a walk in the park. Because we're both horrible at communicating effectively and neither of us want to take the lead on that. When our relationship continuing was contingent on the approval of some possible woman that they're in the process of looking for as a "sister" to Lisa? Oh man, all the doubts and anxiety and anger and jealousy. She had no clue I felt that way. 

We recently had a long conversation about this, and we know there's a lot to work through, from both perspectives. The funny part is that we both held back because we were afraid external forces were going to force us apart. But we have relationship stuff to work through, just like anyone else. If I don't focus my writings around those, it's simply because this has been since day one primarily a place for Sir.

As for Sir, my jealousy issues run as red hot as they used to with Chris and Lisa. Unfortunately, those have a way of expressing themselves around Sir. That's the unusual part. I've always kept jealousy in the back little corner of my mind. I never wanted my insecurities to be an issue for anyone. But like with everything else in my life, I can't hide things from Sir. Transparent and open like a book.

When we were together on Saturday, He mentioned how a friend of His likes the beard He's growing. It's a name of someone He's mentioned dozens of times, but the instant GRAWR showed. Maybe only in a tightness in my face and a slight difference in tone, yet He saw it all the same. The irony that I have multiple partners and yet I'm the one who struggles the most with jealousy is not lost on me.

So why the jealousy at all? Some of it is normal levels of boundary pushing and insecurity. The rest comes from one person's poor decision making. Yes, one person I trusted hurt me in ways that I could have never fathomed. I locked myself away so no one could ever be in a position to hurt me like that ever again. But who am I hurting now because of it?

I'm hurting myself, and doing a huge disservice to those around me. Fear. That's the key, letting go of that crippling fear. Something to talk about with the therapist because I know there are no easy answers or solutions to this. But I recognize that it's hurting me. It's a start.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Something Unexpected

Mmmmm! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!!!

Can that just be my post?? Lol

It began with me giggling evilly. Sir wanted to know why. Oh just thinking naughty thoughts. He wanted specifics. So I sent a few thoughts, which I guess turned Him on. That led to us hanging out today, and among other things. :-D

One of my kinky desires has been to be taken up the ass with no lube, no stretching. Just being possessed. The blogs I've read have not helped this matter because I've read numerous accounts of that very thing. If I'm honest, it was one of those things that scared me, even as it excited me. In my silly, twisted mind that made me want it all the more.

So what was it like? Painful. Obvious, I know. After about a minute or so, my body yielded. That sense of surrealism when endorphins are rushing through my body. The push of pain only heightening pleasure. The surrender. I was simply His to take and use, knowing I asked for it. Pulled out in a whisper, but I did ask.

What happened today was not what I expected. Not just with the anal sex, and believe me that was very unexpected. There was a lot of foreplay and possession going on. I felt wanted and desired in a way that sparked the very core of who I am. It wasn't what He did, but how. The passion, the playfulness. The peace that filled me for a few hours. Moments beyond words.

He made a comment, during the end of our time together, about how we needed to spend time together without being all over each other. I basically replied: I'm a sexual creature. Take it or leave it. But that's not the right answer for it, not really. While it's true in its own right, it's more than that.

I pray the day never comes when seeing Him doesn't make my pulse race and my breath hitch. That I will never get enough of touching and kissing Him, being held in His arms.

Want in on a secret? It would never, ever be that way without everything else we are. He's the one who sees me, truly sees me. We were talking about a person from my past last night, and how my heart has been stifled by fear. Why I'm so suspicious, even now. But truly, He's the one who walks me out of the shadows of my mind. He embraces me just as I am, with understanding and compassion. He opened my eyes to whatever divine path I'm being led down.

When He passes the internal walls that hold everything I keep from the world, as if they don't exist, how could the sexual walls be any different? He says I'm easy, and I say it too. But Sir, only with you, and you earned every ounce of trust, along with the ease of surrender. So if the day would ever come when He doesn't ignite the flames of passion, something much deeper is very wrong.

If the price to pay is the spark of desire that never fades, I'll pay it gladly every day.

Monday, January 20, 2014

When a door opens...

...I can't help but to peek inside.

Last Friday night, I spent the evening with Lisa and her husband. We were all having a pleasant time of it until he made a comment about me being one of the most dominant people he's known. I tried to shrug it off, not wanting to get into that debate. I've had it far more times than I'd like, though it's right along with the other characteristics that many have tried to mislabel. However, he kept pushing the issue and even wanted to bet me $1,000 that in ten years, my dominant side will have all but eradicated my submissive nature from my being. That if I was lucky, it'd come through 1% of the time in a sexual capacity. I smiled and accepted, as I know very well who I am.

I wish that would have stopped the conversation but I wasn't granted such luck. And I realized something during that conversation: He couldn't define submission. Furthermore, what he'd called "dominance"--now mind you, we weren't talking in a sexual regard, but in personality traits--I'd call having a backbone and self-confidence. It upset me that night because this is not the first time I've had this discussion with people. As Sir said though, I can't be truly upset with people for not understanding me when I have walls up. Which is true, though having my explanations outright ignored and dismissed without cause, as to why Lisa's husband's assessments were incorrect, was frustrating on many levels.

It's taken me a few days to come down from my anger and frustration over the issue to realize and remember a few important factors. In the end, I define myself and have placed trusted people in my life to see a fairly good portion of the entirety of who I am. It's taken many years, and many failed attempts, but I do have people in my life who understand and accept me in the ways that I define myself. 

Furthermore, I recall a conversation about dominance and submission that seems apt. While I don't remember who I had it with, the intent is still clear in my mind. A good sub won't let others walk all over him/her when he/she has already given his/her service, himself/herself to another. It occurred to me that Lisa's husband was once again trying to test the waters of "what-ifs". He claims to want a dominant woman as a third for their relationship; even Lisa sees otherwise. I will not fit someone else's mold simply because they cannot find what they are looking for. I may have many failings but the skills of my service and depths of my loyalty are not among of them.

Sir has told me that in my core there is a woman made of iron and fire. One who will not break, bend, or be swayed. I think I may finally agree with Him. That Sir is right far more often than I'd like to admit is one of the things I secretly love about Him. It also proves many of my points. He knows me in ways that I don't understand, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I will never be one of those women who are submissive in all ways, to all people. They exist and I have met a few over the years. I have no desire to be one of them either. To handle myself without the assistance of others is a trait I value having. That I can persuade those of opposing views is a skill I have learned, but one I take no joy or pleasure in. It is a tool for a greater purpose, when I have need of it. Yes, I can command a room and gather the full attention of those within it. Again, another learned trait that I use sparingly, such as for academic purposes and debate of various topics. While those traits have their uses, they don't define me. They could, if I were so inclined to that path, but I'm not. 

I blur the lines of sexual submission and submission in vanilla happenings on a subconscious level. Because of that, those dictate the course of several aspects of my life, including what I'm willing to accomplish with power. The truth is I have no aspirations for greatness in life, not as we define it in modern day society. My only desire to make others happy. There are several outlets including friendships, relationships, and all of my personal skill sets that I can use to assist others and bring them moments of joy. One day, if I'm fortunate enough, a family and children will be included in that list.

There's a funny thing that many people don't know, but would if they could see the fuller picture. Sir is my Alpha. It is by none of our doings. Frankly, when He reads this, it may catch Him slightly off guard. Lisa and Chris recognize as much and act accordingly. Chris has even put the full of it to words. I don't not mean as a lover or a Dom, simply the Alpha of my world. It will likely make Sir cringe to read that, but the truth unspoken doesn't make it any less true. What I have changed for the better is in thanks to Him. Not mindlessly, He'd never allow that. But I have adapted and adjusted based on the last year and a half of our interactions, to both make Him and myself happier, the latter which He rejoices in with me. If I were to be so bold to say this, Sir has changed me in ways so that my relationships with Chris and Lisa are fuller and happier as well. I think that will surprise Him to know as much, though He constantly surprises me.

I can no more define what submission and dominance should  look like any more than I can define a standard for love and happiness. Some things are beyond words. I know what makes me happy, what brings me peace. I have found those who give it to me in spades, in three relationships that I've come to realize make me happiest together, not apart. Anything beyond that is fodder for discussions and debates that will never cease, no matter how carefully I craft my words and arguments. Instead I will be happy despite those oppositions, despite those who would place dissatisfying restrictions upon me. I will not bend to their narrow viewpoints of who I should be, but instead be who and what I've always been--in all its vast and varying complexities.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Entitlement Issues

I had some...ummm, we'll say interesting...conversations lately. A few interesting chats with an older Dominant man, in his early 50's. The overall experience was a good one. However, it was very clear that he wanted me, and would have "taken me as his sub" if I had ya know no brains or freewill. Haha! He even made a comment something to the effect of, "If I were a Gor, I'd have collared you already." Because yeah, subs don't have a say in who they get involved with. Other than that comment, it was at least amusing enough that I wasn't bored.

In contrast, a younger sub guy sent me a message the other day. I could not have been more bored. He wanted me to instantly take him as a sub. This was before we even got to first names. All he wanted was to discuss kink and what I could do for him. Let's just say that conversation didn't last long. Not to mention, I'm not a domme, lol.

The funny part about both conversations is that I make it clear that I'm not looking for any new partners or relationships. And while the chat with the older Dom was entertaining, I knew that's ultimately what he was looking for. It amuses me that no matter how clear I can be in a profile and in conversation, men still think they have something special that'll make them an exception.

Because yes, I'm going to drop the three wonderful relationships I have because someone else thinks that I'm something that they must have, own, etc. *rolls my eyes*

Sometimes the audacity of people just outright astounds me. On the other hand, those brief interactions reminded me why I am so thankful for my loved ones and how much they rock my world. :-)