I want to fall to pieces, but I can't afford to so I'll keep going until I can't.
Just fuck Trump. Seriously. Making it even more difficult to get insurance and it's gonna be 4x more expensive next year than this year. And I just can't. Fuck.
And I had a super messed up dream last night about Steve getting married. For some unknown reason I was there with Frank and Chris. The bridesmaids were in horrid hot pink dresses and a matching cloth going down the aisle. I blanked out on the actual ceremony. Didn't go to reception. Ended up the next day asleep on something where everyone was staying the night.
Even in dream, everything felt so wrong. Like my brain was trying to force me out or get me to notice it was a dream. I'm just like...why dream about this stupid stuff in the first place?? Ugh
And even just the brief conversation with Steve screwed me up. Really badly. I wanted to self harm just in some attempt to get the yuck out of me. I didn't, but I haven't felt that way in quite some time.
I want to talk to him. Just me talking, him listening. So he really gets how much he broke me. So he understands all the little things that started to drive me insane. How I defended him over and over again bc I thought he'd be better, he more, keep his word. Because his apology doesn't mean a damn thing without understanding. And I don't want him to apologize. I'm sick of him apologizing. I want him to get how much he fucked me over and have to live with that for the rest of his life.
Just like I have to live with it. As has been evidenced lately, guys are stupid.