Sunday, December 17, 2017

Broken promises

Another broken promise. I'm not surprised at this point. Apparently a short text conversation with Steve two months ago, primarily about his upcoming wedding, made his fiancee feel uncomfortable. I didn't know this until the other day when I asked how things were going.

So I said, "Alright, I'll leave you be." Deleted his contact info. Deleted all of our recent messages. Deleted his email. Blocked both of them on fb again. I was trying to be nice. See if maybe over time a friendship could happen.

So much for him saying that he'd always be there for me. But I'm not surprised. People always leave or make excuses eventually. However, I'm now with everyone else in giving their marriage two years. I was the optimistic one saying five years.

Speaking of break up, there's a whole big mess going on with two friends of Frank and I. Case (another friend) and I are playing go between and counselors. Honestly, the best thing for both of them is to be away from each other. They bring out the worst in themselves and each other.

But this is what I do really well. Picking up the pieces of everyone else's lives.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

I want to fuck you up, just like you did to me

I want to fall to pieces, but I can't afford to so I'll keep going until I can't.

Just fuck Trump. Seriously. Making it even more difficult to get insurance and it's gonna be 4x more expensive next year than this year. And I just can't. Fuck.

And I had a super messed up dream last night about Steve getting married. For some unknown reason I was there with Frank and Chris. The bridesmaids were in horrid hot pink dresses and a matching cloth going down the aisle. I blanked out on the actual ceremony. Didn't go to reception. Ended up the next day asleep on something where everyone was staying the night.

Even in dream, everything felt so wrong. Like my brain was trying to force me out or get me to notice it was a dream. I'm just like...why dream about this stupid stuff in the first place?? Ugh

And even just the brief conversation with Steve screwed me up. Really badly. I wanted to self harm just in some attempt to get the yuck out of me. I didn't, but I haven't felt that way in quite some time.

I want to talk to him. Just me talking, him listening. So he really gets how much he broke me. So he understands all the little things that started to drive me insane. How I defended him over and over again bc I thought he'd be better, he more, keep his word. Because his apology doesn't mean a damn thing without understanding. And I don't want him to apologize. I'm sick of him apologizing. I want him to get how much he fucked me over and have to live with that for the rest of his life.

Just like I have to live with it. As has been evidenced lately, guys are stupid.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Guess there's a reason I'm a masochist?

I'm so stupid. I messaged Steve just to congratulate him on his engagement. And it led to a conversation. It was nice. He was nice.

Now? I want to hit his stupid face or break something.

I hate that he still can make me smile. That his apologies make me cry.

Stupid stupid stupid girl.