Sunday, September 17, 2017

Music for the soul

Ya know, I normally don't write because I don't want to share the depths of hell that my mind can be. This hasn't been one of those times. Things have been calm and peaceful. As much as I can relate to and understand a sense of what those mean.

I am seeing a temporary therapist. He's only available until the end of December so it works. He can see right through me. It's creepy but I kinda need that even if it makes me twitch a little bit. Or a lot.

Today, I installed pandora on my phone and have been listening to all my old channels. I had forgotten how much I need music. Singing while letting all my emotions out. There's nothing like it. I love writing but singing is more alive.

Earlier, I reached out to Chris. I doubt I'll hear back but I needed him to know I was thinking about him and how much I miss our friendship. Just to enough to know he's not forgotten, not will he ever be.

Now back to listening to music. :)

Monday, August 7, 2017


I'm hiding all behind my masks again. Just me and all the versions of me I've been before. Maybe one day the masks will hide me from myself, so I can look myself in the mirror without tears falling. And I fall too. Away into my memories.

Lately my dreams have been tormenting me. Waking up startled, pain coursing through me. I never remember what they're about. Just a hint of something I can't quite put my finger on.

I leave my mind alone but it always comes to bother me. Doing everything I can to distract it, pacify it. Still it haunts me. I can never run from myself.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

This is just a post

I really need to write more often.

Anyway, not that much is new. Spent a good deal of time outside getting my lawn in order. The early spring did a number on it. Still plenty more to do but it's been too hot.

Plus I'm wearing another heart monitor. The last one was in March '16. I had an episode at the doctor's office. Apparently my pulse went weak. Felt like my heart was being crushed. That was last Wednesday. Saturday...fuck that. It was the worst episode I've ever experienced.

What an episode usually looks like: I get lightheaded and dizzy. Sometimes I know I have to get to the ground. Other times I just sort of collapse. Followed by chest pains and trouble breathing. Only once or twice has moving been an issue.

Saturday was a whole different ball game. I made it up three stairs and my body gave way. I had to lower my head to a stair. For some reason instead of sliding down the stairs, my brain felt the need to go up 11 more stairs. I think it was based on the last thought I had that I was going upstairs. But I couldn't remember why.

As soon as I layer flat, there was this whoosh inside my head. And weird pulses in my limbs. I won't even talk about the chest pain. I'm still sore.

It lasted an hour, though I managed to get myself somewhat together around the half hour mark. No, I didn't go to the hospital. Nothing they could have done for me.

Either the med I'm on has stopped working correctly (good odds with my history) or there's another issue no one has figured out yet. I'm hoping for the former because I really don't need more medical issues.

In other news, screw TGIF. They don't use real butter in anything they make. They use a faux butter with soybean oil. This wasn't always the case. But now I can't eat there. Frank and I walked out last night because I told the waitress there was literally nothing I could eat. For what they're charging these days, they can afford to use real butter. No wonder chains are dying.