Thursday, November 2, 2017

I want to fuck you up, just like you did to me

I want to fall to pieces, but I can't afford to so I'll keep going until I can't.

Just fuck Trump. Seriously. Making it even more difficult to get insurance and it's gonna be 4x more expensive next year than this year. And I just can't. Fuck.

And I had a super messed up dream last night about Steve getting married. For some unknown reason I was there with Frank and Chris. The bridesmaids were in horrid hot pink dresses and a matching cloth going down the aisle. I blanked out on the actual ceremony. Didn't go to reception. Ended up the next day asleep on something where everyone was staying the night.

Even in dream, everything felt so wrong. Like my brain was trying to force me out or get me to notice it was a dream. I'm just like...why dream about this stupid stuff in the first place?? Ugh

And even just the brief conversation with Steve screwed me up. Really badly. I wanted to self harm just in some attempt to get the yuck out of me. I didn't, but I haven't felt that way in quite some time.

I want to talk to him. Just me talking, him listening. So he really gets how much he broke me. So he understands all the little things that started to drive me insane. How I defended him over and over again bc I thought he'd be better, he more, keep his word. Because his apology doesn't mean a damn thing without understanding. And I don't want him to apologize. I'm sick of him apologizing. I want him to get how much he fucked me over and have to live with that for the rest of his life.

Just like I have to live with it. As has been evidenced lately, guys are stupid.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Guess there's a reason I'm a masochist?

I'm so stupid. I messaged Steve just to congratulate him on his engagement. And it led to a conversation. It was nice. He was nice.

Now? I want to hit his stupid face or break something.

I hate that he still can make me smile. That his apologies make me cry.

Stupid stupid stupid girl.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Hello again

Sorry I haven't been active since early last month. Just a whole lot more medical stuff going on. Going to a new therapist and adjusting to that. I ended up in the ER...always fun. That led me to seeing a GI doctor and having an upper scope done. Good news, they didn't find anything. Bad news, they didn't find anything lol. So I suspect a colonoscopy is in my future. Or it might be my back causing abdominal pain...cuz ya know that's a thing.

I finally got into pain management. There was a lot of hassle and miscommunication involved. It just got resolved yesterday so that should say a lot. But, it's all sorted. I have follow up in Dec. They're giving me more pain meds than I actually need. Could also be that it's new so that's why it's hitting me so hard. Tramadol did the same thing when I was on it briefly. This is like Tramadol, except it doesn't interact with all the meds.

Frank and I have been really good. He's busy working. I'm trying to do what I can every day. We see friends regularly. Frank went to a concert with them just last week. I can't do loud noises and the standing room only.

We did get a new kitty! His name is Morgana, after a black and white cat from our favorite video game, Persona 5. He looks black and white, but we discovered in bright light he has dark brown hair mixed in with the black. So more mocha. He's 7-8 months old. We don't know for sure because he was a stray hanging out around one of our friend's places. The older girls aren't happy but they're adjusting.

Lisa and I have been hanging out a lot more again recently. It's good to be able to do that. We're binge watching Dr Who. I'm midway through season 6 already haha. We also decided that I'm Rory (for those of you who know the show).

I'll try to remember to post more often. It's probably gonna be a lot of cute cat pictures for a while. Not that I'm sure anyone will mind. 😜