Tuesday, July 30, 2013

And I'm Back...

I don't know what to say about everything that's been happening. Just that we're going to be okay, eventually. So don't worry about us, at least not too much, please. :)

Otherwise, we've been seeing each other a decent amount lately. That's been a blessing. We had some fun together the other weekend. I did write about it shortly afterwards so I'll post that soon.

I spent some time with Lisa and the monster man last week. Life has been really stressful as her husband is going through a nightmare with his job. Everyone will be happier once that mess is over. It's been crazy for the last year, but these last few weeks have been nearly hell for them. It'll be better once he's gone from that damn company. My heart aches from them with all this stress.

Therapy is going okay. It's been helping. I'll have more to share after the last couple of weeks we've been having. I go back in less than a week. Sir mentioned coming with me to meet my therapist when we saw each other on Saturday. I'd question whether He meant it, but I know Him better than that.

The funny part is that Chris asked me shortly after I started if the therapist would want to meet him. I mentioned it to the guys as soon as I told the therapist about them. Now Sir wants to meet the therapist. They think alike, too much so at times. If they ever get to know each other and become friends, god help me. :-P

Chris is thinking of coming up to visit soon. Not sure about the specifics yet. But it would be really nice to see him. Until we got back together, we hadn't seen that much of one another over the last several years. We both always had too much going on, though we could have made the time if we wanted.

Honestly, even 20 minutes away, Sir seems like He lives too far for my liking. So y'all can imagine how I feel about Chris living 3 hours from me. It's just one of those things I have to live with, lol.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Time Off From Blogging

I know I haven't been posting in the last week. I do have posts that will be up eventually for your reading pleasure.

Unfortunately, we're going through a really rough time. We got some devastating news that has left us confused and lost. Our relationship is fine, not to worry you all. But I need time before I can write, comment, and generally interact on here again.

I didn't want anyone to think I had abandoned ship though. Maybe after I see Him on Saturday, I'll be okay enough to put thoughts to the page again.

Until then, be well everyone.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A little bit of kink

I've been quiet here lately. I haven't felt like I've had much to say. Oh I've had things I could share but talking about it hasn't been a priority. Been too wrapped up in my own mind, with far too many concerns. Trying to wrap my mind around the striking differences in behavior that can exist within an individual. I remember my friend and am haunted by the villain--they are the same person. Even seemingly good people, good friends can make terrible decisions that expose the core of who they are. I'm left with no answers because there are no questions. Only the reality that I choose to escape from most of the time. That I can never escape.

But that's all neither here nor there. Contrary to the paragraph above, I'm actually in a good head space. I've been keeping my head above the cold waters of depression...for the most part. Earlier in the week may not have been great for me. Sir was good, as always, about helping me through it.

I have been keeping myself busy. I spent a night with Kevin and Rebecca at their place last week. I did find myself tied up and beaten. It was fun, though a bit of the lighter side. I was craving to be really tormented. Hell, I still am. We watched Firefly and then Serenity. I had not ever seen the movie so rewatching the TV series was a good refresher. Rebecca and I were able to talk. It was what we both needed.

I was able to give Lisa a taste of masochism the other evening. She took to pain like a fish to water. I told her we'd play again soon. She's very fun to tease and torment. Her eyes light up when we play. There's this fight that happens at first. Then she submits. And then underneath it all is the pure experience. The hint of fear, the erotic pleasure of pain, the lust that consumes her soul. It's all there to be seen and exposed.

She trusts and loves me. I always keep her at an arm's distance away though when it comes to sex and bdsm. I have to or else she would fall too hard. I'm not the answer she's looking for and she knows that. But I'm damn close, more than any woman she's met. So I see it every now and then. She forgets why we'd drive each other insane living together. I keep a few walls up for that very reason.

As for Sir, well He wanted to see me on Tuesday. But I'd already made plans to have fun with Lisa for that night. If everything in His schedule stays the same, I'll be able to briefly see Him on Sunday. Maybe I'll see Him sooner than that. Maybe, heh. I find myself sick with a stomach flu/virus. Of course it's the middle of summer with a heat wave and I'm running a bad fever. Only I can manage that. :-P

I'll hopefully have more fun things to write about. Also maybe I'll feel inclined to write about the musings and meanderings of my mind again. :)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

We March Swiftly Towards The Dark

What happens when we all resign
One by one laying down the torches we bear
We've done it for them a thousand times
No more will we walk this road
What will You do then?

Your Healer is burnt out, in despair
She can not fix them, how can she stand tall
When You sweep the ground from beneath her feet
She needs to be the strongest, the weakest of us all
Yet still not the first resignation

Your Historian has lost his might
In the power of words, memories are foreign
The one that binds us to our past, to our path,
Abandoned his post, walked away from unsung glory
He will not come home to You

Your Priest struggles in faith, with Your lack of grace
A man torn in two can not be a vessel
Trying to lead, wandering blindly in the dark
He now follows religion, not his heart
You won't reveal the path he walks

Your Warrior can offer no defense for what comes
The strength You gave her, gone
Marching into battle knowing she will not return
Giving them her all before, she will give her last
She will claim the peace from You she earned

What will You do when we won't
Fight, Lead, Guide, Comfort
When Your plans unravel at the seams You sewed
Will You replace us without second thought
Or give us what we need to do what we must?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Music Being Played Again and Again

Mumford and Sons has become a new favorite for me. I love the song, Broken Crown. It speaks so much to the struggles I've had with my faith. "Better not to breathe than breathe a lie"  &  "I'll never wear your broken crown; I took the road and I fucked it all away"

The entire albums "Sigh No More" and "Babel" are worth listening to in full compared to any individual song. Both albums are about life, love, and faith. The journeys that take us from places of familiarity to the unknown.

My issue with most Christian music is that it lacks substance. It doesn't speak to me. These guys do, though they don't stick to a Christian music label. They speak of the struggle in reconciling faith and religion, without having any real answers to give but still somehow inspiring hope.

I don't really have much else to share at the moment so I figured I'd share these amazing musicians. :)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Trying to understand each other

...and failing miserably.

No, not really lol. It is something we do struggle with and have from day one.

We can never have simple and easy conversations. I always knew Sir was a little different, but last night I got a much better understanding of what that really means. The last year suddenly makes sense. All those little connecting pieces that I saw but didn't understand; now I see what was going on.

I wasn't the only one learning last night either. I was furious because I perceived a situation one way, while He was frustrated because He had a completely different take on what was being said.

Story of this blog.

We're absolutely fine. We should be able to go back to happy fairly easily. Simply because we're both happy with the level at which we are. Actualizing it would be nice, at some point. But I am very happy taking this slowly, making sure this is right.

To give y'all an idea of what was going on, over the last two years I've been coming out of a dark depression. So deep that I was not myself for a few years. The person that people met wasn't really me, and as I've come back out of that shell, it's thrown off some people. Others see the happier, more complete version and have embraced me with open arms.

The ideas that were solidified for my life choices during this time have been taking quite a mental beating for the last year. In that process, I'm trying to take the many subsets of my personality and make them one person again. That Sir interacted with several distinct and separate subsets last night is nothing short of disturbing. There's only me, but I'm fractured within. The therapist is aware and we're working on it.

At the heart of the internal struggle are the choices I've made in regards to relationships. The choice of polyamory and being involved with BDSM are the two major sources of conflict. Even from the beginning, BDSM was a conflict. I was far more whole and self aware then too.

I'm trying to sort this all out before I decide to take any step in any direction, in regards to relationships. I'm trying to figure out why I feel guilty about playing with other people. Trying to process that one person can actually hit my major relationship needs. If there's one person who can be that for me, there must be more people like that in the world. What does that mean for me? Does it mean monogamy? Or is that a sign for a more fulfilled polyamorous life? I don't have any of these answers yet, and there are more questions than answers.

As I've been trying to discover answers, I've been wanting to talk about it with Sir. Not because I believe He'll have the answers or that this is something He could decide for me. But instead because He's my best friend and often while talking with Him about issues, things become clearer. Unfortunately, He misread the intent. Thought it had to do with talking about progressing things between us. Having grasped a better understanding of Him, I know why He thought that.

There was also a misunderstanding with the idea of "what-ifs" and talking about long term ideas. I see them as getting to know another person, understanding them better. It's an intellectual discourse to possibly find potential problems as well as mutual desires. For my past relationships, this was fairly normal. It was not a promise or commitment for more. It wasn't even a desire for more. Simply part of the relationship experience.

That's not how He saw it, nor everything I've said along those lines for the past several months. Because He backed off from those conversations, for reasons I now understand, it fueled the doubts of Him staying. Part of me believed He was just having fun and wasn't entirely interested in me for who I am, but for the fun I could offer.

All of this has been a huge misunderstanding of how we both think and operate for probably the entire time we've known each other. Everything I learned last night is why there was always road blocks between us. Hopefully we've got it sorted out now. If not, we'll just have another two hour conversation in the attempt to understand one another.

I don't know if any of this will make sense. But this post is not necessarily for you, my dear readers. It's for me to come back to and understand this moment. To remember that even when I'm damn furious with Him, we somehow find our way through it.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


Hey God. Been a while. I know I'm not allowed to see past the unknown choices. The Matrix got that one dead on. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where to go next. I'm at a loss.

It's like I can see all the individual puzzle pieces but the entirety of the picture eludes me. Help me understand what it is that I'm missing. Because I'm trying to trust you like I used to, but it's difficult.

I have a lot of love in my life. I know that's your doing. I see the path that got me here. Wasn't there a better way, an simpler solution? Or was I so blind that I couldn't see it? If I'm missing the obvious here, please clue me in because I just don't see it.

My Sir, He says I think too much. You'd probably agree. If I accepted things are they are, and trusted that you had it all worked out, it'd be so much easier. You gave me this mind that over-thinks though. I assume for a reason. My guess is so that I wouldn't follow blindly. That I would question and make my own choices in life.

In that quiet voice, I hear you telling me to enjoy the happiness that I have. That all things come to an end, in their own time. I hear you saying it'll all work out. Can I believe and trust that? I don't really know.

I felt I should share part of my current talk to God. Help explain where I'm at without making this too long of a post. I've been really angry the past 24 hours. In fact, I've been angry, bitter, and downright mean. Thankfully most of that hasn't left my mind. I'm honestly ashamed of the thoughts I've had.

This is on me. I'm the one struggling right now with everything. When I should be happy, I'm too busy worrying to enjoy it. I'm working on enjoying happiness without worrying about the future or second guessing everything.

Key word being trying. We'll see how well it goes.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


I read a variety of blogs, though I tend to avoid sexually driven ones. I like my erotica, no doubt about that. Simply that's not what I come to blogger to read so you'll often find me on the more thought-provoking spectrum. In my wanderings, I've come across Domestic Discipline and follow blogs that practice it, as well as those who are trying to find their way with it.

Y'all may not like hearing this, but I see very little difference between the relationships of those involved in BDSM and DD. Granted, there are a few key differences but at the heart of the matter we're all people trying to find happiness in unconventional, though similar, ways. (I've seen the unspoken divide that exists between BDSM based relationships and DD ones. But we cover it up with the label TTWD)  That's why I find myself drawn to the individuals in whatever relationship they may have or are working towards, no matter what the label is--including the lack thereof. While the DD ones may be less sadomasochistic, and view the reasons why They Do What They Do for sometimes completely different reasons, the spirit of both kind of relationships are spot on to each other. Every blog I read revolves around love and power.

I am a member of my local BDSM community. I have friends who range in their variety of kink from around the globe. Let me tell you, no relationship looks identical. For instance, Lisa and her husband would more likely come across as DD if I tried to explain them to you. Except for the fact that their relationship has nothing to do with a HoH or a tiH. They also have their own set of personal kinks, yet the relationship has many similar underlying points in common with DD.

Where Sir and I fall when talking about labels is bit hard to explain. Partially because we sit at the edges of what could be and partially because I've yet to come across the appropriate words. He's not a traditional dominant personality. He would mirror more the HoH's than the typical Dom you'd find in a local BDSM community. Then again, I look about as far away from the typical submissive as one could get. I am very much a masochist. I like the pain. I can get off from Sir hitting me with toys, and have done so quite happily. So I don't quite fall under the DD realm either.

I've been unhappy in BDSM relationships for this very reason. The basic framework doesn't make me happy. Even the deviations away from it don't really do it for me. I have too much of a mouth on me. Not that I'm disrespectful in any way. I see past the games Doms and subs play. I don't play along and make it known that I don't. That I'm more than just submissive makes it more difficult to have a readily available label to describe who I am, even more so to describe what Sir and I are.

Okay, let me see if I can explain this a little clearer. From what I understand of DD relationships, limited as it may be, the focus is on bringing together the relationship using tools that aid communication and correct behavior. The physical punishment is a way to recognize and address improper behavior, followed up with dialogue as to why it's happening. It's not kinky and that's a vast difference. There is a distinct power exchange though and it is done out of mutual love and respect.

Punishment for those in BDSM relationship is still part of the kink because it falls under the D/s, M/s part of the relationship. That doesn't mean the punishment will necessarily turn-on either person. That's not productive punishing. Regardless, there is kinky behavior beyond punishments. Whether it's sadomasochistic in nature or a variety of other sexual kinks, it's a means to finding gratification. That is crucial to the BDSM relationship in a way that I've not seen existing in a DD relationship. The power exchange is often more obvious in these kind of relationships. Love is most of the time present (love being not necessary for some BDSM relationships), though it can be a little harder to find at first glance.

While not mutually exclusive, DD does seem to focus on the emotional aspects of the relationship which seem to be separate from the sexual lives of its participants while BDSM relationships are based more on the stimulating reactions via fetishes and kinks, whether physical or mental. There is obviously crossover but I don't think I'm wrong in suggesting that's how the majority of those relationships are played out.

Sir and I find ourselves somewhere in between. I think that's why I like the blogging community so much, as we're not alone in this regard. Our local BDSM is very physical, very fetish oriented and I know that is the norm across the US. There's nothing wrong with that but it's not us.

For us, it's almost as if someone took a BDSM relationship and blended it with DD. When Sir has me work toward being productive towards personal growth and healing, He doesn't do it as my Dom. When He takes me to task for not taking the best physical care of my health, it's not as my Dom. However, He's not speaking as just a friend either. He tells me exactly what I need to hear, probably unconsciously using the "powerful voice"  to let me know what the realistic options and outcomes are. He always ultimately leaves the decision up to me because He'll never force me to do anything.

Sir doesn't let the issue go though. Oh no, that would be too easy. As long as the issue is present, He'll continue to tell me everything I most likely don't want to hear. Everything that I need to hear until I make good decisions for myself. It doesn't help that He's right about what I need.

Not to mention that I use masochism in a similar way to DD relationships use maintenance. Pain is pleasurable for me, yes. It does so much more for me than that. It resets me and quiets the chaos of my mind. It is a healthy, productive, loving way to take a break from reality. When I come down from that high, I'm able to face the world with a calm and strength that I normally don't have. When we scene with pain, I'm less likely to fight Sir on good decision making.

When I go too long without it, everything becomes more difficult and I wander from the power exchange. I start doubting and it gives the depression a foothold into my mind. With the power exchange, love, and a little pain, I'm able to be a much happier, stable me.

This is why I've found my way to both BDSM and DD blogs. Because each group, and all those who fall somewhere along each end of the spectrum, speaks to the blossoming and growing relationship between us. I may not always understand either side completely, but seeing the variety of what people do to make their relationships work, allows me to better understand my wants, needs, and desires.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

With a little luck

It's been an uphill battle in my mind for the last week. I wish I could say I've been handling it with grace, strength, and determination but those would be lies. My submission is no where to be found, though that may be for the best for the present. I have been angry all the time and crying my eyes out nearly as often.

There is very little in my past that I've properly processed and healed from, unfortunately. I lived with the grief, the torment of my mind, as a daily part of my life for many years. I reached the lowest point one can reach, which is when I began suppressing and then repressing.

I sought to alleviate myself of the pain by hiding it away. I knew no other way to cope with or move on from the overbearing emotions that ravaged my mind. I thought that was healing. Forget the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future.

Yet, the past would resurface now and then. Triggers. The depression always lingered, many times beyond my awareness. I was too busy trying to push everything away to recognize what was happening to me. Only looking back do I see how much I've changed, and not necessarily for the better.

I am terrified of letting it all resurface. The therapist wants it to come back in little pieces. Not examine everything at once but a narrowed focus on one issue at a time. Heh, the walls I built don't work like that. It's a fortress. Once inside, there is no looking at one piece at a time. In the wandering, the past will come looking and so long as I'm in the dark depths, it will all eventually come back.

Theoretically, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's already begun and will continue until either I'm able to process everything, or until I shove everything back where I've been hiding it. To hide the pain and darkness, I locked up good memories as well. It's all an interconnected web, hence why I can't pull out little bits while not dragging the rest with it.

I spent a lot of my life so far looking for the very things I have now. Love, in all its forms. I'm learning love doesn't have to come at a price. That who I am is enough to be worthy of love. I don't have to resent their help because it's not selfish. There's not one cage being replaced for another. Sir is not the only one who wants to see me free. He does meddle the most, trying to fix me. But not in the way I've encountered previously.

A friend of Lisa's told her this morning that while she was praying, she received a message to pass along to Lisa. She then in turn asked me about it because she didn't really understand. "All lasting change starts within."  When I read that earlier today, I knew it wasn't for Lisa alone. Especially after the night I had, and I'm all too aware of when the universe is speaking to me.

Sir isn't trying to manipulate me, like others have. He doesn't tell me to do anything or be a certain way. He may nudge me in the right direction but the choice has always been mine. It has to come from me, or the healing, the change will never stay. It has to be from within.

The bad memories aren't the only ones coming back to me. It's been a while since I've smiled while remembering the past. The harm people caused doesn't negate the good memories, and the good doesn't excuse what people did. I've been trying for years to understand how the two could co-exist with common persons. I think I'm beginning to understand.

I dreaded the past coming back to light. In many ways, I still do as I know there's a long, uphill battle that's yet to come. But if there is more good than I remembered, maybe I can stop living in fear. Maybe find the "me" I lost along the way.

Maybe, with a little luck...

Monday, July 1, 2013

The night with Sir

The night with Sir...

We had a lot of fun!! The weather did not cooperate for plans so we just had to stay inside. I know, it was such a shame!

Of course we had a fair amount of sex and other fun. There was a mirror hanging on the wall across from the bed. It seemed like such an odd place to put one, ya know? Until Sir had me on hands and knees on the bed facing it as He took me from behind. Then I completely understood!! :-D

We had a lovely time at dinner. The restaurant we went to was not what either of us expected. It had a higher end feel with a relaxed dinner service. By that I mean the restaurant wasn't trying to get us in and out as quickly as possible. Instead there was appropriate time was given between courses, friendly staff without being overbearing. The food was fantastic!

It gave Sir and I a chance to catch up. It was nice chatting about what's going on in our lives, as well as discussions over current political happenings. We do have some differences but we don't argue about them. I love that we're able to share opposing view points with an open mind.

Now it wasn't all roses. Unfortunately, I had a severe panic attack. Sir was fantastic about it. I couldn't have asked for better support. I'm used to people not knowing what to do or just walking away. Even though Sir was put in a difficult position, He handled it really well. I am so thankful that He's never rejected me.

He told me He'd not let anyone hurt me. That He would do His best not to cause me pain. After things had calmed down a bit, He asked, "Who's my special girl?"  That would be me. *blushes and smiles*  He's really amazing.

Other than that one small hiccup, it was a really great time. I always love spending time with Him. We were all snuggled up in bed. We started watching Burn Notice as we cuddled, so of course I now have another show to watch. Silly man, getting me into addictive TV shows.

I should be seeing Him on the 9th. I'd like to see Him before that but with the holiday coming up, there may not be time. It's unfortunate that we both often have busy schedules. Either way, we'll figure something out soon because I can never get enough of Him. :)