Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Dr Who and Pondering the Universe

I became an accidental Dr Who fan. Blame Lisa lol

Currently I'm mid way through season 2. Twice now the first companion Rose has had a chance to see her dad who passed when she was 6 months old (though one was an alternate universe version).

Anyway, Lisa and I got into a discussion of whether that temptation would be too much for anyone to pass up or if after the first time, and subsequently breaking the universe, would be warning enough.

Having lost my mom at a young age (7) the question has more weight for me than it does for her as both her parents are alive and well.

So we're talking about all this and I say no that I wouldn't seek out my mom. She wouldn't know me and any interaction wouldn't and couldn't live up to expectations. I also have clear memories and impressions of who she was. I've modeled some of who I am and how I make decisions because of that. I wouldn't trade my memories of her for a chance that this one more might be what I expect it to be.

The character of Rose learns that people often speak more kindly of the deceased. So too are likely my memories kinder.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Let it all burn

There are still so many more stories I could tell. Back from the beginning, before this blog existed. Not just Steve, but others.

Tonight though, tonight my heart is breaking all over again. All the things that can break me emerged simultaneously. I don't know how I'm not shattered into a million little pieces, but I am close.

I would watch the world burn, turn back to dust floating through space. If I could. It's probably a good thing that I didn't end up in international affairs...

Being angry is probably the only thing keeping me from shattering.

Then like always, after the anger and so many tears, comes the numbness. The hollow with nothing to fill it.

Eventually I'll get mad again. If I'm lucky, there will come some time where I think I'm okay. But the pain and anger always return.

I should have known talking about the Ex was a bad idea, especially when I've been thinking of Steve. I doubt he realizes it, but he made their memories have more of a binding than should have ever existed.

Barely breathing for a chance at hope. I was so terrified. Then the tiniest piece of hope that I might be safe, might be able to be happy, might be finally free of all the nightmares. Hope that I didn't believe in or really trust. Yet there it was all the same.

And he fucked me and left. Tearing away any illusion at hope. The one person who I truly believed would never hurt me, Steve. But he did, when I was most fragile. When hope was so close.

There were no walls in my mind against him. And he demolished everything.

If I was too broken after that, he is part of the reason why. I've lived with pain and abuse most of my life.

But he destroyed that fragile piece of hope.

I can withstand and recover from a great deal many of things. I don't think I'll ever recover from losing that hope.

I've lost the ability to hope. To think it, believe it, feel it. There hasn't been a spark of it since that day.

So my good days are simply okay. That's my measurement. It's why I wished I had never met Steve. He destroyed me in a way others had tried and failed at. Bravo

If I could, I would watch the world burn.

And I'd set the fire.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Some unexpected good news

So I found out the Ex is back in his hometown, which is an hour or so further away than where he was living (now 3 1/2-4 hours away). There's that. Apparently the young woman broke up with him. Good for her. No, I'm not cackling. Not at all. ;)

I know he hates that town, even visiting. Now he's back there. Hahaha!

I also made it a point to let a friend who lives near one of the major cities up there to let anyone who should know all about him. I found out that he's not vetted for any events so no play parties for him.

If I weren't curled up in bed, away from the cold, I'd do a happy dance just thinking about his misery. Though to be honest, he deserves far worse than his current state but I'll take what I can.

I'm a bitch, but with good reasons for it.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Just another one of my usual ramblings

I have all these thoughts rushing through my head, but when I get to paper it all leaves me, as if floating away in the wind.

Another antidepressant to put on the shelf. This one was going so well too. That is, until I lost all capacity to move out want to move or have any energy at all. Barring random hours of the night for brief periods of time.

But I see my psychiatrist on Monday so I'll see what he has to say.

Oddly enough, I think it's been good for me to take time away from therapy. It may have not been my choice, but it's one I don't regret. Not that every day is perfect or stable, however I'm doing better than I had been in many years. I have no idea what normal is, or more apt, what my normal should look like. This is as close to "normal" as I've ever gotten and I'm likely still a far way off.

The thought doesn't bother me as much as it once would have; something I'm completely okay with. I simply don't care about finding what okay and normal should look like. Good or bad intentions aside, trying to force something, coax it out, or even slowly guiding me...well fuck all that. It was never good for me.

I've always had to do things my way, at my pace. I'm finally in a place where no one is making demands of me. My stability or lack thereof isn't a presence I'm aware of by anyone around me. Oh Frank worries enough for the both of us, but it's far more passive.

It's difficult to put into words the differences. They just are what they are and don't settle under my skin, fueling my own anxiety.

I'm sure I'll end up back in therapy sooner or later, but I'm not in a rush. There are times when I wish I had my therapist to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Just like everything else, those pass and I deal with it myself. Contrary to some opinions, I'm actually fairly well adjusted all things considered and equipped to handle a lot of things thrown my way.

This has nothing to do with any of the thoughts I've had lately. They'll come back eventually if they were important.