Monday, July 28, 2014

Odds and Nevers

I've been hesitant to talk about my feelings about...him...with anyone. Not even my therapist. I'm trying to adjust to how things are now. Trying to be the best friend, and not the grieving ex.

He doesn't really get it, this soul crushing sadness. I think he takes it as an insult to what was and what still is. How do I begin to explain how deeply the loss cuts at me when he doesn't view the events in the same light?

To know that the odds are I'll never see him flash that sadistic smile my way again. Nor have him pull me close and sooth all the aches. Never feel pinned beneath his gaze as he tells me that I'm his. Knowing the butterflies in my stomach that I still get every time we're together aren't going to be soothed.

That a shared secret desire, spoken while hovering over my phone, in a chinese restaurant a stone's throw from where I spent my never going to happen.

One of the things I treasure most is a poem he wrote me for my birthday.

The ache is so deep because these were the bright spots of my life. They make me smile, even now as tears are running down my cheeks. He'll be the standard against which all other men will be measured. The day may even come when "it's not him" won't be running through my mind.

And it hurts because I'm coming to terms with the idea that these things will never happen again. Not maybes, or perhaps.

He'd say "never say never", but he'd follow it up with "I can't promise you anything either."

Realizing he changed his mind about me hurts more than words can express. He once told me that I was everything he'd ever wanted and been searching for. I know that's no longer the case.

How is it not supposed to hurt? He may claim that this was a friendship with a little bit more added on. But I call bullshit. I know all of you will. My therapist does. My friends are outright baffled. Not just by the fact that things ended, but how he claims he viewed us.

Maybe towards the end that's all I was to him. But it wasn't always that way. I'm coming to terms with that too because I had no idea.

He'll want to talk about this and I just don't have it in me. I'll survive this. I'll wrap it up neatly and put it on a mental shelf. One day it won't hurt so much. And even though he'll know, I won't let the grief show.

Because I can't lose his friendship too. Seeing him smile, listening to him talk about his passions, being a support and a confidant is worth more to me than any pain I feel.

Good thing I'm a masochist...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Some much needed fun

So I had a friend over this weekend, and as we were laying in bed last night getting ready to sleep, I started rambling. Coherent rambling, but yeah. We were talking about D/s, as he's vanilla...ish?

Anyway, I was describing the difference between those who are sexually adventurous in the bedroom and those of us who are crazy enough to weave power exchange into our everyday lives. In my social circle, we're all kinky. These are well known, read, hashed out topics. But with a vanilla? All of it has to be explained.

It was an interesting experience for me as I was able to voice a lot of my opinions of power exchange and kink that I haven't thought about in years. I hit upon some very core ideals and desires for any future relationship. I'll have to mentally play with and sort out those ideas some more. Jot them down somewhere a little more private. See how I feel about them in a few months.

Lots of interesting thoughts going on, even invading my dreams as of late. Bringing forward all that which I would rather ignore at the moment. Guess I'll need to add those onto my list.

Regardless, it was a fun weekend. I look forward to seeing where this friendship will go. Yes, the guy from the party lol. It's a lot of fun and I need that. Even my therapist says I need it.

But he's not...ya know. He's got potential, but my will is stronger. It'd never work.

So for now, I'll have some fun, figure out myself in the process.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Why does he always have to be right???

Maybe there is something to the whole "shininess."  Steve and I were talking about this before I went on vacation. He was trying to convince me that I'm special. He told me to look in the mirror and try to see myself from an outside perspective. Maybe then I'd see what everyone else sees.

I realized something. I would never, ever hold what has happened to people against them. Why would anyone do that to me? I would see their strengths and tenacity to endure. If someone went through any of the moments I'd been through, I'd give them hugs and tell them how amazing they are to have gotten through something like that.

And then, to not be jaded? To have empathy and sympathy for others, even after all that?

Okay, to be fair I can concede that point.

I am one of the friendliest, most welcoming people. I can make friends easily with extreme introverts who rarely ever make friends, which I did last week. There's something about me that people feel comfortable around me. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I can recognize that there is something there.

Apparently I'm fun to be around. I guess because I'm just being myself, I don't see the big deal. Idk?

Ya know, it's really frustrating when Steve is right. Because he's correct so much of the time. This is also me giving credit where it's due. Seeing myself from a different perspective has been helpful. There were other factors that poked me into looking, but it started with him. Just as most things start with him poking and prodding and being super helpful...absolutely frustrating.

I will keep listening to him because as much as he drives me crazy with how right he always is, he's only looking out for me. Wants the best for me. Even when he's not my's still who he is and always will be. Whether he wants to admit it or not. With a parental attitude piled on top.

He'll never say it but this is exactly what he's thinking: "I know what's best for you, so you should just listen and do what I'm telling you already. You can thank me later."

It would be so maddening if I didn't actually end up thanking him for all the progress and pushing and growth. No, it's still maddening, but I can't exactly complain too much about it. Steve says I'm special and to look. I look and he's right. I'll probably be saying that again and again as new things come to mind.

It's a really good thing that I love him. :-P

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Life Choices?

An interesting thought occurred the last time I was at therapy. There is no word or general understanding for: "People you are in love with, but with whom you do not share a sexual and/or romantic relationship."

I wouldn't count crush, as that isn't the right tone for the feelings. I think the above idea also explains me perfectly. I fall in love with people. I really just fall into that sort of thing, unintentionally.

Steve may have a valid point in that I want to give my everything to one person. Grrrr. I'm kind of agreeing and ignoring that point at the moment.

However that doesn't change the falling in love with people bit. Some people would say to call it friendship, but I have friends where the in-love part doesn't fit. Maybe there can't be an easy word for it or I need to invent one.

I'm honestly not going anywhere with this post. I don't have any answers right now. This is where I'm at with my thoughts. Monogamish?

Also, sorry for the lack of updating. I was with Chris. That's a whole other post unto itself.

Aaaaaaand going on a date before I went home. That was odd. Both? Yeah, with the guy from my friend's party. I was in the area so before I came home, we spent a few hours together. He returned the bite mark. That was amusing. It was nice to go out with someone and not have to worry about relationship stuff. Being 3 hours apart, I can't see it going anywhere...not that I'm even in an emotional place to have that anyway. But it was a fun evening, and I need a little more of that in my life.

As for me? Well, I'm no closer to an answer on anything. I'm really, really not. There are two paths, and over the last month, one of those has had very clear signs pointing to it. Then over the last week, the other path has been making itself known.

I'm a Libra, which means I like balance and dislike choices. I'm also not a huge fan of upsets my balance. So when the Fates say "Choose one", I'm more likely than not going to stay exactly where I am.

Over the last week I was actually explaining a little bit about all of this. The joke that kept being repeated is that I'm the shiniest. I really wish that was a joke, on so many levels. I'm really not that shiny, except everyone and everything seems to think I am...

I realize that's not going to make a whole lot of sense. I don't think it's supposed to? Only that this really does make being a hermit seem more appealing. Yeah, an extroverted hermit. That'll last, lol. Especially since I'm supposed to be hanging out with people because I've been a hermit for far too long.

I have absolutely no answers and more questions. Ain't that the story of my life.

Thursday, July 10, 2014


There was something I didn't tell y'all about last week, while I was gone. Mainly, because if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be Steve. (I know, a name!! He said I could use his, so there you go.)

I made out with a guy. Apparently I also asked, while heavily intoxicated, him to stay the night with me. Thankfully this guy had enough common sense to not take me up on that.

But, I'm kinda beating myself up about it.

It feels like a betrayal. Of my feelings for Steve. More so of all the promises I made to myself recently. I haven't talked about those to anyone, which is maybe why I couldn't follow through. If no one knows, then I'm not accountable. This pesky guilt bit is new though. Self accountability???

Who would have ever thought? :-P

The promises I made to myself were as followed:

  • Hit the pause button on all current relationships and for any new ones.
  • Find more things that make me happy that aren't about making others happy.
  • Process through all the emotions and thoughts that are going on, and are likely to continue for some time over the next few months.
  • Figure out what the heck is going on spiritually in my life. (Seriously, it's been insane.)
  • Pick a direction for my life, what I want out of it, who I want in it, etc.
  • Set a goal for the next 6 months and work my ass off towards it.
I had already picked a goal too. I joined a gym recently. My goal is to lose 25 pounds and get in better physical health. And if I can get that weight off, I can see if I like me at that point, or if I want to lose a little more. I know my body well enough that I need to exercise regularly. I haven't been and I'm trying to fix that.

I haven't been writing outside of here in months. I couldn't even look at the words on the pages anymore. No pieces in stories were falling into place. About a week ago, I started writing again. It was really fun. There wasn't this sense of "work' that had been there for too long.

But in general, these are good promises to myself. They'll hopefully make for a better and happier me.

And I know it was just some flirting and some kissing. It's not that big of a deal in itself. The guy is fun and thinks I'm amazing. I've made a good friend, and I'm not thinking about anything more than that.

Steve said I learned a lesson. Don't drink so much. I see it as a personal failure. I don't do things in half measures, he knows that. If I promise I'm going to put romance and sexual expression on the back burner, then that's what I'm going to do. Except ya know, I didn't...

It's my mother's voice demanding perfection that has internalized into one of my voices. When I strive for perfection, I fail and it brings about a cycle of self-hate. Forgiving others is fairly easy. Forgiving myself? Not so much.

I guess I have a new addition to the list. "Learn to forgive myself."

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Thank You, Internet

This was too funny and apt not to share:

Yesterday's Update

And Today's

This! Even the hand gestures, and non coherent screaming. That's me.

If you don't know Questionable Content, please check it out. Even if you have never read a comic online, this is one that you should. There are links below each picture. Jeff Jacques is a brilliant man who understands interpersonal relations.

Plus, all the relationships that are trying to work but just can't quite get there. Yep. It's no wonder I identify so much with these characters.

And ya know...exes who won't leave you alone. *twitch*

Monday, July 7, 2014

Crazy Exes

I wake up around 4:30 this morning because one of my cats is mewing at me. My girls missed me while I was off galavanting. But I see my phone is flashing so I check it. An email, meh. Open it up and it's from an ex...

This is now the second ex in two weeks that has contacted me. The latest one was a brief 3 week whirlwind and I even hesitate to call him an ex. We only met up for coffee, once. There were other online and phone interactions...but eh?

That was three and a half years ago.

I swear I'm not that interesting.

Okay, so I'm submissive. Great, awesome, fantastic. There were vast incompatibility issues going on, in both vanilla and kink. The 3 week guy and I just couldn't even make it work to begin with. At least the other guy had some type of foundation built. But I gave up who I was in order to make him happy, and when I couldn't do it anymore, he tossed me aside.

Literally mind boggling.

Either I'm more interesting and special than I give myself credit for, or I attract crazies who border on stalkers. Hell, both may be true.

I just don't get it. Move on. Find someone who actually wants to give them the time of day, because I obviously don't.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Tequila...the evil conqueror of good souls

Note to self:

You are too old to drive 3 hours to a party, drink 7 (at least) shots of tequila plus 3 woodchucks and a large glass of sangria, stay up til 4 am, sleep 4 hours, and drive back home 3 hours. It does not end well. Your body will hate you and be angry for the next 24 hours.

Also, you will lose enough sense of space to forget what gravity is. You will end up face first on the ground. Not once, not twice, but three times. When the world is spinning so erratically that you don't have a sense of up versus down, you drank far too much.

Furthermore, you don't bite the person who is helping keep you off the floor. You getting a new minion and friend out of it is not the point.

I'd say you scared the vanillas but there surprising wasn't anyone vanilla there. Considering you ended up talking about the weird episodes of CSI and people chimed in on the differences between furries, pet play, and pony play.

This is why you don't drink tequila. Ever again. I know we had this conversation 5 years ago so I hope you learned your lesson this time.


Your body

This rarely ever happens. Tequila. That was the last time I was so drunk that I hurt for a day afterwards. And thankfully the nice guy I bit? He was okay with the hickies. He was more amused than anything. I couldn't actually tell you when that happened. Only that I remember it...then the next thing I remember is falling face forward while sitting in a chair.

This is about the right idea of things...
"You are now my chair and headrest, kthnx!"

I am too old for this shit. No tequila in the future and I should be good.

All that said, it was a very fun evening. The host is a very good friend of mine. Known each other about 9 years now. He's very much like an older brother, which means we pick on each other out of love and affection. I was finally able to put a lot of faces to names. It was a wild evening into night.

To be fair, there were four of us taking shots, including the host of the party. Toasting to old friendships and new ones, to getting away from crappy exes, to silly things that meant something at the time but make no sense now. There was also something about toasting to a guy who because he was straight, he must be a bisexual girl? I have no idea where that came from, only that it made sense at the time.

Do you see why it was so easy for me to get drunk around these people? They are my kind of people and so therefore, why not do shots of tequila with everyone else?? Lol, we weren't even chasing the tequila shots with anything. Yep, we were that insane.

But never, ever again will I drink that much. Nope. Lesson learned. When my body can't tolerate coffee, I'm not a happy camper. Coffee is much more preferable to drinking alcohol.

So yeah, that was Thursday night into Friday. Five of us ended up getting breakfast at a diner in the morning. The people were just as interesting sober as drunk, which is a good thing. Then I got to drive 3 hours home. Ugh.

Fun night, but from now on, other people can take the shots of tequila instead. :-P