Monday, December 15, 2014

Bittersweet

Let's all take a moment to read: This Post

Both the post itself and Steve's comment (though he posted as "Him" at the time).

*sighs*  That sigh is a tad bittersweet.

Someone was reading the post that follows, which is a reaction post. I couldn't remember it, as it had been two years ago. I'm not entirely sure how to feel rereading our words.

Obsessed. Yeah I am. Still.

At one point, I wouldn't have censored the words racing through my mind currently. But I think some things are better left unsaid. If only for now, I hope.

Though I'm not sure he even still reads this. We haven't talked about anything from here in quite some time.


Friday, December 12, 2014

The Whys, The Heart of the Conversation

I have really interesting conversations. Like this morning at my chiropractor's office. My doc likes to tease me about Steve. This morning's conversation sparked a debate about when are people officially considered dating. Then the differences between dating and being in a relationship. And at what point does going on dates turn into dating.

Intent. That matters. Just because two people like each other and are spending time together that doesn't make it a date. My doctor's office disagrees, haha. But that's not where either of us are, ya know?

I didn't expect to be okay with that. If you had asked me in June, I wouldn't have believed it. Do I have longings for more? Sure, but those don't outweigh my need to have some distance. I'm not sure I mentioned this here...I did tell Steve that if he ever wants us to be together that it's on him. I will not make the first move because I refuse to have someone settle for me, or just go along with things.
This is very, very true :)

This reminds me of another interesting conversation I had earlier this week with my therapist. We were talking about how people confuse us and how ideas that seem simple can be complex because of the emotions involved. It started with parents that cling to their adult children which lead to relationships, so of course Steve came up. Not about him specifically but in reference to our visit to my therapist a few months ago. How when I said that I was angry and hurt but I still loved him, it was a healthier way of dealing with conflicts.

I thought about that for a time after the session. When I'm angry or hurting, I want to know why. Why the other person did what they did. What were they thinking about. I don't have these fits of blinding rage and I most certainly don't like to lash out at others when I am angry. I prefer to cool down and reexamine before approaching anything. It's why I have a lot of issues in relationships. Most people want/require real time communication. I'm going to say things I don't mean or I won't have words if I try to do it that way. I need processing time.

According my therapist, this is a healthy way to process. Both in wanting to know the whys and taking a bit of breather. We circled around this for a bit, how I've used this to deal with a lot of issues over the years. I understand why people did what they did over the years. It surprisingly helps to know. It makes them more human, more relatable. I pity many of the people who have hurt me over the years. Because I broke the cycle of abuse that still plagues them.

The last few months have been good for me. I'm seeing now just how purposely toxic the Ex was to my state of mind. I'm thankful I was finally able to get rid of him from my life. The damage that asshole did was far more extensive than I ever realized. If nothing else, it'll help with character development in one of my stories, heh.

I plead the fifth to this, lol

We'll see how I feel in a couple months, but I imagine it'll be better than now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll want to let someone close to my heart again.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Cookie Exchange 2014

While these aren't cookies, they make for amazing desserts or an eat at any time of the day snack.

I've played around with this recipe to my personal tastes, but I tend to like savory desserts so feel free to adjust to your own preferences. I wanted them because I can't have the ones at Starbucks, lol

I'm gluten free and soy free so the recipe is built around that but it'd be easy to change it to regular flour. Though I'd recommend trying it gluten free as I think the texture is better. It's less dense and fluffier, which I think is an improvement for a muffin.



Pumpkin Muffins

1 cup all purpose gluten free flour (the King Arthur's Blend, do not use the Bob's Red Mill. The texture doesn't work at all and it screws up the flavor)

2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp or so ground cloves (I freshly grind my own cloves which seems to be more potent than the ground clove powder found in the store. If using the store bought, use 1 tsp)

1 tsp allspice

1 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp or so ground nutmeg (you'll know when it has enough by smell)

1/4 tsp tumeric

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temp

1 cup brown sugar (if you like sweet desserts add a couple extra Tbsp)

1 cup pumpkin puree (I HIGHLY recommend using a freshly baked sugar/pie pumpkin or butternut squash. Compared to the canned stuff you get in the store, the difference is amazing.)

2 eggs

3 tsp vanilla extract



1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line muffin tins with paper liners.

2. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, spices, salt, and baking powder.

3. In a stand mixer, or large bowl with a hand mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until smooth. It'll take up to 5 minutes. Add pumpkin puree, vanilla extract and eggs. Do NOT over mix once the eggs are in. (Otherwise it makes the batter tough and the muffins too chewy) 

4. Add in the flour mixture in batches until just mixed completely. Again, do NOT over mix.

5. Spoon in the pumpkin deliciousness (batter) into the muffin pans. Bake for 35 minutes.


Makes about one dozen muffins.


If you're feeling really decadent, you can add homemade cream cheese frosting on top. Or do what I did and hollow out the middle with a knife once the muffins cool and plop some frosting right in the middle. If you want the frosting, I recommend making the muffins on the savory spectrum so it's not overly sweet.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Dinner went well but...

It's been an interesting few days. Some good, some bad. Mainly good times though. Thanksgiving went really well. The turkey was moist and delicious. My friends and I killed at least 6 bottles of wine and nearly an entire jug of sweet red wine. I'd have to do an inventory downstairs to be sure. I was very tipsy at one point. I'd lost track of how much I had to drink, and I hadn't been snacking like everyone else because I had been prepping things.

Let's just say I was kicked out of my own kitchen...

So Wednesday night Chris decided he was coming down as well. I'll admit, I was a little nervous/worried about him and Steve being in the same room together for an extended amount of time. I knew they'd be polite but I expected it to be awkward. Thankfully everything went smoothly!

As for what didn't go well, I'm not happy with Chris right now. For things that happened before and after the party. He better not talk to me for a few days because I will go off on him. He was disrespectful to me and the rules of my house. When I'm not livid, he and I will be having a conversation about it. I'd be furious if a friend did the crap he did, let alone my boyfriend.

Lisa and I talked about it yesterday while I was at her house. Even she said that as upset as she gets at Steve sometimes with the relationship issues, she always gets over it because he's a great guy who never intends to hurt me. Disrespecting me is a whole separate issue. She's never met Chris and never wants to at this point. Can't say I blame her.

I've just been able to distance myself from a crappy ex. I sure as hell am not going to be treated like crap ever again. So he's walking on thin ice and I have no problem breaking up with him if he doesn't get his head out of his ass. Too many more respectful people around who want my interest to waste my time with that shit.

We'll see how all that goes, but I'm done putting up with other people's crap and nonsense. This is also why I'm not casually dating. I never have been honestly. I tend to randomly meet people and fall into relationships. It's when I try to date that I meet the crazy ones who won't leave me alone.

But Thanksgiving went well enough that I said I'd have something around Easter next year. Too much going on in December to have Christmas here. It was well worth the stress and headaches.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Thanksgiving Plans

I can honestly say that I can't wait for February to get here. I thought things would calm down after the new year, but major events are making it seem like I won't get a good break until February. That's mildly depressing, not gonna lie.

As for what I'm doing now, prepping and cleaning for this Saturday. I'm having friends over for a Thanksgiving dinner. I had to make a list of things to do so I wouldn't forget anything. These people are my family, which is the only reason I'm hosting a dinner party for 14 people. I invited 19, because yes I am that crazy. For those curious, Steve is coming on Saturday.

I'm spending actual Thanksgiving day with Lisa and her family. That'll be more chill at least.  Next Tuesday, I'm having a friend over for dinner and red wine. I haven't seen him in ages so it'll be good to catch up. And then the Saturday after Thanksgiving I'll be spending the day with friends doing some shopping. Apparently we're dressing up in skirts and boots for the day out.

Then it's December, with all of the crazy holiday events that will come with it. Though I will have something kinky to talk about at least. On the 14th, I'll be spending the day with Rebecca and Kevin. It'll just be play, not sex. It'll be nice though. I need something kinky going on or I'm going to go stir-crazy. And I need more than some one off time too. But I doubt that'll be happening any time soon.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Surrender

He ran his thumb over my bottom lip
My breath hitched
All thought ceased
My body limp in surrender

There, lurking behind hazel eyes,
Was a force aching for flesh and torment
And I prey, caught in the piercing gaze

Vulnerable and exposed, my offering
Hunger and passion, his desires

Softly I mewed,
Content in his exploring touch
The sweet innocence fueling his sadistic urge

"What is your darkest secret?"
He whispered, leaning in close
My nerve lost,
A thought silenced on a stilled tongue

The unspoken words of
"What do you want to know?" lay unbarred
That I would throw open all the gates is my secret,
To be truly seen and understood

That the same stillness of a graze upon my lip
Would be known in the softest corners of my mind

But he shakes his head, smiling softly,
"That is no secret, not to me. Search deeper."

In the stillness, I saw as he saw
There were no secrets,
No dark places he could not reach
Light shone on all for him to see,
Every door unlocked

"Your darkest secret is that you try your damnedest
To believe you can still keep something, anything from me.
You wish to have some power, some bit of knowledge to tempt me.
You fear the peace of surrender you so long for..."

I woke as if from a dream
Alone in bed, the echo of his touch upon my skin
Peace in surrender to that which I can not change
I hold no power here

The blurring of reality and fantasy...

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Home From Friends' Wedding

I'm home again, after all the wedding...everything. It went as well as it could have given the drama of friends' families. There were moments of laughter and fun. The bride's mother and I started drinking wine at 3 pm on Friday. Just so we could keep from killing the maid of honor. She was...unbearable. When the bride found out about all the nonsense, she was furious. Let's just say I don't think they are friends anymore.

Besides all of the drama, it was a great wedding. The bride and groom had so much fun. The bridal party (myself included) sang along to their wedding song:


The groom sang it to the bride while they were dancing. Everyone was trying not to cry and most of us weren't succeeding. I think there's video of the entire bridal party trying not to fall apart. Chris was also in their bridal party, as these are friends of ours who got married. We were looking at each other from across the dance floor, basically singing the song to each other. It was really cute.

We also found out we're "that couple." The ones who are so cute and sweet that you want to gag. We never thought of ourselves as such, to be honest, before Friday night. I'm going to blame the wedding atmosphere for causing that. We also apologized to our friends because the photographer kept taking pictures of us throughout the night, being snuggled up together. Slow dancing and such.

That was mentioned the morning after at the hotel over breakfast. Most of the wedding party and some of the guests ended up at breakfast, unintentionally, at the same time. Our friends laughed when we told them about all of the pictures of us that were taken. They noticed it as well, and agreed that we were adorable.

Unfortunately, this is going to lead to questions about marriage...again. *sigh*  We're adorable together, yes. We'd also kill each other if we lived under the same roof, probably about a month in. So when we are together, we're happy to have the time. Otherwise we enjoy our space apart. I understand that it's not part of normal relationships, but it works for us.

Now that I'm home, I can chill and relax. At least for a couple days. I'm actually excited to stay inside and clean. Cook and bake. Be absolutely domestic. Steve's coming over to spend some time relaxing with me this week. I'm so excited for that. Snuggles! Yay! And back rubs, hopefully. We probably both need them. I'm just happy for downtime with him.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Hmmm...






From the wisdom of Albus Dumbledore, my favorite fictional character. Makes me want to reread the books...again.

Ever have a moment in your life where you feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff, holding your breath? And you take a step off, not knowing what lies below?

I'm holding my breath, wondering if the decision was the right one. Not doubts for my well being, but for another's. What's done is done though. All I can do is wait to see how it unfolds. I'm concerned it was an impulse decision.

What I wouldn't give for Albus Dumbledore's ear right now.

Monday, November 3, 2014

A Night On The Town

During my friend's bachelorette party, we ended up at this one bar. There was music playing so we figured we'd drink, dance, and have some fun. We're not the bar or club type of people. I hadn't gone dancing in years. I left that behind early on in college.

I was reminded why I don't go to places like that or really hang out with those kind of people. They are kids. I'm not talking about actual age. I'm sure a number of them were older than me. But it reminded me of middle school and high school. I people watched and honestly? I had quite a few laughs that evening.

For one, at the girls who are obviously straight and grinding up on each other. All to get the attention of some guys...Yeah okay. So what's a kinky, pansexual woman going to? Dance with another woman like I'm fucking her on the dance floor as I bite her shoulder. My friend enjoyed the hell out of it too, lol!!!

I had another laugh at the guys who were trying to get the attention of the girls who were obviously trying to get the attention of the guys but had no interest in going home with them. That's fucking hilarious. Then there were the slightly awkward and adorable guys who had no idea what to do when a woman actually wanted to dance with them. Yep, I go for the nerdy guys who got dragged along with their friends. The one was wearing a captain america t-shirt. It was so cute how out of place he was.

What really made me laugh was all the games that they were playing, guys and girls, back and forth. It's makes me so fucking glad to be kinky and not really around "regular society people" much. If I wanted to go out with someone, or wanted to play, or have sex, do you know what I'd do? Tell them. Ask. Talk about it.

As much as I cringe sometimes at how much attention I get, how often people want in my pants, I'm grateful about how they go about it. None of the dumb games people play. And yeah, I get a lot of interest and attention. I'm not on the market or looking either. In the last several months, a lot of people have been interested in relationships, play, friends with benefits, dating, all sorts of things. I've turned every one of them down.

I'm not interested in dealing with other people's bullshit and idiosyncrasies. But after the weekend, I am so glad I'm kinky and in my community. "No" and "not interested" means something and is respected. I'd rather the interest from kinky people any day and having to deal with that than the outright equally hilarious and horrifying games the rest of the world plays.

We really should have gone to the gay bar instead. It would have been way more fun, hahaha! 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

What a Month

I really shouldn't be allowed to post anything until a month after any head injury. Seriously, the last month has been insane. A knee injury, concussion, an arm injury. Just as it looked like I was in the clear, a damn cold buggers in and I'm fighting off a fever while on heavy duty pain meds. Probably a good thing I've been so busy lately or y'all would have gotten some very interesting posts.

So what have I been up to? (refers to calendar cuz the memory isn't so hot atm) Let's see. A friend came to visit for a couple days last week. Had a friend over for lunch. The same friend helped me move a kitchen hutch that was delivered over the weekend. Spending time with Lisa every week. Added a new friend to the weekly lineup. She got me addicted to Color Me Mine. We've been spending quite a bit of time there. Went to dinner with friends on last Friday night.

Two doctor visits. The second was useless. I'm fed up with my primary doctor because he won't listen. I wanted a referral to a neurologist that would work well with my primary doctor's office. Nope, he completely bypassed that. I'm done with doctors who won't listen. I'll find my own neurologist. Plus the primary doc insulted my chiropractor and dismissed my therapist...the only two medical professionals who have ever helped me...

Not a whole lot of free time. What little of it I've had has been spent resting and sleeping. I don't know where most of the last couple of weeks went. Head injuries suck. And while I love not hurting on tramadol, I like being able to think and remember things. I need something in between ibuprofen and tramadol. Somehow I doubt that exists, or if it does, I'm allergic to it. Good times.

Things slow down in a couple of weeks, thankfully. I have to make it through a bachelorette party that the bride stepped in to put me in charge of a couple days ago. The maid of honor being a total bitch to the bride's mom will do that. Then get through the wedding. After that, I've got nothing major going on until Thanksgiving at my house, the Saturday before.

At the very least, I'm busy enough that I think the depression went back into hiding. Either that or I'm too tired to properly tell.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The past creeping in

We had a fight the other day because of what I posted. It's no longer up, but basically I was upset over something he posted. Livid, even. Irrationally so...

Yet, understandably?

Years ago, I had two friends, best friends even. I told them everything. I was in love with both of them. I dated the one briefly. The other, we dated for a year and half. I used to spend hours on the phone with one of them every night.

It's not like now. Where people have to claw and dig for every inch. I freely shared who I am, my thoughts, my passions. Everything that caught my interest and made me happy. They knew me in ways no one else ever has.

Not even with Steve. Even after everything, the bonds I shared with them (and one other, my best female friend)...they were my family. I stood by their sides through the good and the bad. For years they did the same for me.

Until it all crashed down around me. One of those guys is the one who raped me. The other guy crushed and broke my heart repeatedly for two years after we had split up. On top of that, he never believed that I was raped. That was a special sort of hell for a long time.

I've kept everyone far away from me ever since. No one was going to hurt me like that ever again. Those feelings mellowed over the years. But as the depression had faded away, those unresolved issues came back to the forefront. Those transferred to Steve because he has always reminded me of them. Because he sees me like they did. Calls out my bullshit the same ways. Helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life.

I know I've been waiting for him to hurt me. That's not fair. He's not them. Does he make mistakes? Yep. Deep down, I know he'd never intentionally hurt me. He actually wants to be around. He's one of my best friends. I'm one of his. I'm not being used or played, no matter what anyone else or my mind may tell me. And...well people are talking. They're worried about me. Wondering if Steve is up to something sketchy. I could only hear it so many times before I eventually started to wonder myself. After all, it had happened before. Why would he be any different?

That's where all of my not writing is coming from. All the crying. All the pain and anger. Everything that has been pushing Steve and anyone else I cared about away. I fell right back into old habits. No one could hurt me if I kept everyone away from me, didn't let them get close. It's not fair to Steve or anyone else.

The depression came back about a month ago. I tried to tell people. I even wrote a little about it here. But no one saw it or would listen. So I wrapped myself back up in it. Those dark, twisted, lying thoughts made everything much, much worse. I thought he was screwing with me and I'd had enough.

Thankfully he didn't give me up on me. He told me we've been though too much to throw it all away now. He's right. I say he's one of my best friends. It's time I started acting like it. Take the leap to be vulnerable, truly, because that's what friendship means. Letting someone in to see all of you, the good and bad.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Heartache

Well, things are about to get incredibly vanilla around here. Not that they weren't already, but things will likely be that way for the foreseeable future.

We were talking Tuesday night. A lot has been on my mind lately and I just started saying some of it. "I accept friends is all we'll be from now on, but it's hard on me."  He didn't correct me. Further conversation hasn't changed that.

I knew he had already made up his mind. But he kept saying that we'd talk about it at a certain point. He should have said what was on his mind, because frankly he still hasn't outright said anything about it.

I think he expected me to have moved on by now. Sucks to be him, but I haven't. So it was something that needed to be said and I shouldn't have been the one to drag it out into the open when it was his choice.

Sooo, super vanilla stuff. And probably me being a mess every now and then. I'm not doing well. I'd argue that I haven't been doing well since everything in June. I had the tiniest ray of hope that I was clinging to, as much as I hate the idea of hope. Now that's gone.

People have told me in recent months that it seemed like I was more inclined for monogamy. The truth is it had nothing to do with monogamy or polyamory. It had everything to do with him. Which makes everything else going on in my life...interesting.

I don't think I can be with anyone right now. It's not fair to Chris or Lisa. I love them but deep down, they're not the ones I want. I'm not making any rash decisions as I know I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I do wonder if this has been a long time coming though. When all I can think about is him...

So yeah. I've got nothing. Except a lot of heartache and crying. Those I have in spades.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Burnt Out

I am burnt out. I feel like I've been going nearly nonstop since the beginning of July. I'm behind on house and yard work. I wanted to get more painting done. It's like I became social again and lost my ability to do anything else. I have to find a happy medium, somehow. I need down time.

All weekend I was falling apart. I was fine when around other people, but the moment I was alone I started crying my eyes out. Really bad mood swings of anger and loneliness and sadness, but no specific trigger.

Steve was the one who mentioned that I sounded burnt out. I was worried it was the depression coming back. But after the post that's sitting in my drafts...I am much angrier than I thought I was.

I am still angry with him. Hurt. Upset. Sad. Lonely...Angry. It physically hurts deep in my chest when I think about everything.

I realized that I don't trust him as I did before. I'm more reserved. There are things that I just don't talk about that I never would have hesitated over in the past.

One day at a time.

Friday, October 3, 2014

(Not) According to Plan

Nothing can ever go as planned.

About a month ago, I ordered new carpets for my second floor. Three bedrooms and a hallway. The installers were here yesterday. I get the "Ma'am, I need to show you something." Oh, that's never good. Turns out the hallway carpet had a hole in it. Right in the middle of the piece. Completely unusable. So it has to be reordered.

If that were it, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. Unfortunately, none of the doors upstairs fit anymore because the carpet is too thick. They won't open and close anymore, including a door to the upstairs porch. The doors have to be cut down an inch or so...

*twitch twitch twitch*

I had to ask a couple of friends if anyone had a circular saw. I don't and wouldn't trust myself using it anyway. Someone is asking about borrowing one from their father, so we'll see. Until then, not much I can do.

It's always something. At least the carpets look nice and are super squishy. I've been giggling watching my cats walk on them. They're not used to the squishy yet and they're walking like they're drunk or on a ship. It's the only humor in the situation I can find right now.

Other than that, Lisa and I are going to dinner and Steve's show tonight. It should be a lot of fun. Tomorrow, I get to spend time with a friend who has been in London for the last year. I've missed her so that should be fun too. Oh and wait, I get to do things on Sunday. A pampered chef party.

We're not done yet. Monday, a guy friend is coming over for lunch. Completely platonic friend. Tuesday, I'm going with Lisa to the dentist because she's terrified of them and won't do it on her own. Then Friday, Lisa and I are going pumpkin picking with the monster man. He's old enough to understand it now. Trick or treating is going to be adorable.

This is what my life has been like since I got back from visiting Chris in the summer. I need a week to chill and decompress but I don't think that will be happening until after the new year. I still have cleaning, yard work, cooking, and working to do in addition to all of that.

If nothing else, I have two volunteers to help me with yard work next year. One friend loves to garden and the other lives in an apartment, so she has no clue of what to do. I'll be teaching her about all that. There's something on the side I'm working on as well at the moment. Maybe more on that later.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Kryptonite?

This isn't the first time I've said, "No one else could ever compare" and "How could I move on?" yet I tend to fall easily into a new relationship shortly after one has ended. Even if I don't, by now I should be interested in someone else. Maybe it's good for me, this space of just being myself--not part of a couple.

Yes, yes. I am still dating Chris and Lisa. But it's different as I'm not a primary partner for Lisa. Chris and I don't work as primary partners. I don't get to see him all the time. So I'm not "single" but I feel single. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Is he my kryptonite, as Kitty suggests? I don't have an answer to that.

In my mind, I still interchange Steve/Sir. I have a harder time not doing it here. Because if anyone in my life has ever earned that, it's him.

Funnily enough, I'm helping a friend with her relationship issues. She's not getting her needs met, by any stretch of the imagination. I've been telling her how she deserves to be happy and not settle. She has too much of her life ahead of her to settle.

Am I trying to settle for him? Because the good is so good, am I overlooking the conflicts?

Maybe. I don't know.

I do know that I can't imagine sharing as much with anyone else. He warned me that he would be a consuming influence on my life. That's the understatement of a lifetime. He's the fire that burned through masks, walls, lists of personal choices. All of it. The hidden me followed him through the dark abyss to the light. Being myself around him has mattered more than any pain or panic attack. I have an uncharacteristic honest streak when it come to him.

Maybe I'm the moth that burnt up by getting too close to the light. Or maybe the light is a source of joy and happiness.

I guess only time will tell.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Only Human

I write one post and realize how much I missed writing.

And him. And when we were "us". And how much I'm still madly in love with him.

My friend who came to visit last month is a friend of Chris and mine. But when I talked about Steve...something changed.

It always does. I light up. I look head over heels in love. She's not the only one who has noticed. People have been asking about us since shortly after we met. Apparently I don't even have to mention him by name, just refer to him, for people to wonder.

*sigh*

                                                                  Christina Perri-Human


The funny thing is there's a stillness to it all. The love I feel for Steve isn't contingent on him loving me back, or us ever being together. That's so scary. I have no interest in anyone else. How could I be? It wouldn't be fair either if I tried.

Dating? They're not him. Not by a long shot either. I've been reminded of why he's so unique and amazing these past couple of months. He's still the one who makes me smile every day. The one in my dreams at night, literally. Like I wasn't tormented enough in my waking hours, no I have to dream about the man as well.

It is a torment. Even in the stillness. I can't imagine loving anyone like how I love him. I'm okay if we're never more than friends because he's stuck with me and I with him. But that doesn't mean there aren't knives in my heart.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Peeking In

I am alive, and fairly well. Life has been busy and chaotic lately, which won't slow down until some time in November. At least as of this point. It may not slow down again until the new year. Given that it's September, I'm exhausted thinking about it.

Friends of mine in the home state are getting married in November. I'm part of the bridal party so I have to be there, doing all sorts of other things besides the wedding itself. Between July and November, I'll have been there 5 times. Given that it's 3 hours away...ugh. But it's worth it. That's what I have to keep telling myself. At least my friend picked out a pretty dress and color for us bridesmaids to wear, lol!

Steve has been just as busy. He's involved with a musical production, so I don't expect to see him again until mid-October. Also why I've been away from here. This reminds me of him, and with how busy we've both been, it was too painful to write.

I tried getting into the dating scene. Let's just call that the disaster it is and move on, lol. I made a friend out of it. He's fun, though he reminds me of an ex. Not in a bad way, just in a "I learned my lesson and that doesn't work" way. Look at me actually learning lessons. Ha!

I've been way more social again though. Reconnecting with friends. Going out and doing things with people. Not being a hermit. I miss being a hermit. I had all the time to do things. My gardens are completely neglected. I'm sure my neighbors are cringing as much as I am.

Therapy is going well. I'm working through things as much as possible. The depression is still nowhere in sight, thankfully. There was a really bad panic...episode? I don't want to call it an attack as I was still somewhat coherent. This was last month when I had a friend visit. We were painting part of my dining room and Steve stopped by because I wanted them to meet. They accidentally found a deep rooted trigger in that I don't like being talked about. I don't know what specifically they did to trigger it, but I'm well aware of what it pulled up.

I have some recent thoughts about triggers and memories. Why they happen in specific situations. It's not like I'm triggering all the time. It has to do with mental cohesion; more to the point trying to put it all back together again. I think...

So yeah, this is what I've been up to. Nothing terribly exciting. Just life and living and being busy with those.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Routine

Not too much has been going on lately. I started taking karate lessons twice a week. It's a hell of a workout. The couple who run it are amazing. The husband and I share the same twisted sense of humor. It's fantastic. His wife is extremely patient and adaptable to what my body can and can't do.

I have to take care of the garden this week. Some of the plants have matured so I need to get them out of the raised bed. The usual of weeding and basic upkeep.

Cleaning the house thoroughly as I have a friend coming to stay with me next week. That'll basically be my week. Get to the gym more. Eat better.

Things have been routine. My therapist says it's good for me. I have more of a content feel about me. Unfortunately, it means I have nothing to talk about.

Hopefully something interesting will happen soon, lol.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Higher Standards

Yesterday, I got a message from a guy. It was on a very specific bdsm website that is known for the trolls and laughs. But he was nice. We exchanged messages for a while. They were witty, funny, and highly sexual. The man pegged me for what I enjoy.

And I'm so disinterested it's not even funny.

The guy did nothing wrong. The argument could be made he did a lot right. It was so...boring.

Really, where's the fun and challenge if the person views bdsm in the exact same way??  *yawn*  You might think being so complimentary sexually with another person is a good thing. Nope, because then that's all they see. The sexual submissive woman. Believe me, I know the type. It's hot for a while until I deviate from being the good little subbie, as I always do. Then comes the fighting, after that I'm just bored.

So, I skipped the whole process right to boredom LOL

I know the routine, which means I can manipulate it, and that whole power exchange bit? Yeah, I come out on top. Again, boring.

Elevated standards? Yep, pretty much.






Saturday, August 2, 2014

Keep Calm And...?

What y'all here in blogland don't know is that I've been a fairly hermitted person for the last 8-9 months. I didn't completely lock myself away, but enough that some people haven't seen me in all that time and I live 20-25 minutes from them. It's strange to think that I haven't seen some people since 2013.

Before that, I was the social butterfly. There was always something I was doing or people I was going to see. Idk, the Ex kinda ruined that in a lot of ways. I got pushed so deep into my depression that it honestly didn't feel like it had been that long apart from people. Time meant very little to me.

Most people talk about a light at the end of a tunnel. Well, I'm there. Being blinded by the light, sounds, colors, noises, people. It's a bit overwhelming to the woman who's been mainly inside of depression for the last 12 years. I'm working on adjusting though. I've been out twice in past couple of weeks to larger social functions. They were fun. I'm even planning a little bbq party at my place in a few weeks.

Idk...

It's been a long week. An emotionally wrought one at that. Everyone tells me I'm strong because I've endured so much and I'm still functioning. I'd like to petition to whatever higher power that is listening: Can I get a break? For a little while? Please?

Give me a few months where I don't have to be this fortress that endures. But I know better.

So I'm going to try to follow Rogue's advice:

Yes, yes to all the chocolate


Good starting place


:-D

Monday, July 28, 2014

Odds and Nevers

I've been hesitant to talk about my feelings about...him...with anyone. Not even my therapist. I'm trying to adjust to how things are now. Trying to be the best friend, and not the grieving ex.

He doesn't really get it, this soul crushing sadness. I think he takes it as an insult to what was and what still is. How do I begin to explain how deeply the loss cuts at me when he doesn't view the events in the same light?

To know that the odds are I'll never see him flash that sadistic smile my way again. Nor have him pull me close and sooth all the aches. Never feel pinned beneath his gaze as he tells me that I'm his. Knowing the butterflies in my stomach that I still get every time we're together aren't going to be soothed.

That a shared secret desire, spoken while hovering over my phone, in a chinese restaurant a stone's throw from where I spent my childhood...is never going to happen.

One of the things I treasure most is a poem he wrote me for my birthday.

The ache is so deep because these were the bright spots of my life. They make me smile, even now as tears are running down my cheeks. He'll be the standard against which all other men will be measured. The day may even come when "it's not him" won't be running through my mind.

And it hurts because I'm coming to terms with the idea that these things will never happen again. Not maybes, or perhaps.

He'd say "never say never", but he'd follow it up with "I can't promise you anything either."

Realizing he changed his mind about me hurts more than words can express. He once told me that I was everything he'd ever wanted and been searching for. I know that's no longer the case.

How is it not supposed to hurt? He may claim that this was a friendship with a little bit more added on. But I call bullshit. I know all of you will. My therapist does. My friends are outright baffled. Not just by the fact that things ended, but how he claims he viewed us.

Maybe towards the end that's all I was to him. But it wasn't always that way. I'm coming to terms with that too because I had no idea.

He'll want to talk about this and I just don't have it in me. I'll survive this. I'll wrap it up neatly and put it on a mental shelf. One day it won't hurt so much. And even though he'll know, I won't let the grief show.

Because I can't lose his friendship too. Seeing him smile, listening to him talk about his passions, being a support and a confidant is worth more to me than any pain I feel.

Good thing I'm a masochist...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Some much needed fun

So I had a friend over this weekend, and as we were laying in bed last night getting ready to sleep, I started rambling. Coherent rambling, but yeah. We were talking about D/s, as he's vanilla...ish?

Anyway, I was describing the difference between those who are sexually adventurous in the bedroom and those of us who are crazy enough to weave power exchange into our everyday lives. In my social circle, we're all kinky. These are well known, read, hashed out topics. But with a vanilla? All of it has to be explained.

It was an interesting experience for me as I was able to voice a lot of my opinions of power exchange and kink that I haven't thought about in years. I hit upon some very core ideals and desires for any future relationship. I'll have to mentally play with and sort out those ideas some more. Jot them down somewhere a little more private. See how I feel about them in a few months.

Lots of interesting thoughts going on, even invading my dreams as of late. Bringing forward all that which I would rather ignore at the moment. Guess I'll need to add those onto my list.

Regardless, it was a fun weekend. I look forward to seeing where this friendship will go. Yes, the guy from the party lol. It's a lot of fun and I need that. Even my therapist says I need it.

But he's not...ya know. He's got potential, but my will is stronger. It'd never work.

So for now, I'll have some fun, figure out myself in the process.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Why does he always have to be right???

Maybe there is something to the whole "shininess."  Steve and I were talking about this before I went on vacation. He was trying to convince me that I'm special. He told me to look in the mirror and try to see myself from an outside perspective. Maybe then I'd see what everyone else sees.

I realized something. I would never, ever hold what has happened to people against them. Why would anyone do that to me? I would see their strengths and tenacity to endure. If someone went through any of the moments I'd been through, I'd give them hugs and tell them how amazing they are to have gotten through something like that.

And then, to not be jaded? To have empathy and sympathy for others, even after all that?

Okay, to be fair I can concede that point.

I am one of the friendliest, most welcoming people. I can make friends easily with extreme introverts who rarely ever make friends, which I did last week. There's something about me that people feel comfortable around me. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I can recognize that there is something there.

Apparently I'm fun to be around. I guess because I'm just being myself, I don't see the big deal. Idk?

Ya know, it's really frustrating when Steve is right. Because he's correct so much of the time. This is also me giving credit where it's due. Seeing myself from a different perspective has been helpful. There were other factors that poked me into looking, but it started with him. Just as most things start with him poking and prodding and being super helpful...absolutely frustrating.

I will keep listening to him because as much as he drives me crazy with how right he always is, he's only looking out for me. Wants the best for me. Even when he's not my Dom...it's still who he is and always will be. Whether he wants to admit it or not. With a parental attitude piled on top.

He'll never say it but this is exactly what he's thinking: "I know what's best for you, so you should just listen and do what I'm telling you already. You can thank me later."

It would be so maddening if I didn't actually end up thanking him for all the progress and pushing and growth. No, it's still maddening, but I can't exactly complain too much about it. Steve says I'm special and to look. I look and he's right. I'll probably be saying that again and again as new things come to mind.

It's a really good thing that I love him. :-P

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Life Choices?

An interesting thought occurred the last time I was at therapy. There is no word or general understanding for: "People you are in love with, but with whom you do not share a sexual and/or romantic relationship."

I wouldn't count crush, as that isn't the right tone for the feelings. I think the above idea also explains me perfectly. I fall in love with people. I really just fall into that sort of thing, unintentionally.

Steve may have a valid point in that I want to give my everything to one person. Grrrr. I'm kind of agreeing and ignoring that point at the moment.

However that doesn't change the falling in love with people bit. Some people would say to call it friendship, but I have friends where the in-love part doesn't fit. Maybe there can't be an easy word for it or I need to invent one.

I'm honestly not going anywhere with this post. I don't have any answers right now. This is where I'm at with my thoughts. Monogamish?

Also, sorry for the lack of updating. I was with Chris. That's a whole other post unto itself.

Aaaaaaand going on a date before I went home. That was odd. Fun...odd...fun. Both? Yeah, with the guy from my friend's party. I was in the area so before I came home, we spent a few hours together. He returned the bite mark. That was amusing. It was nice to go out with someone and not have to worry about relationship stuff. Being 3 hours apart, I can't see it going anywhere...not that I'm even in an emotional place to have that anyway. But it was a fun evening, and I need a little more of that in my life.

As for me? Well, I'm no closer to an answer on anything. I'm really, really not. There are two paths, and over the last month, one of those has had very clear signs pointing to it. Then over the last week, the other path has been making itself known.

I'm a Libra, which means I like balance and dislike choices. I'm also not a huge fan of change...it upsets my balance. So when the Fates say "Choose one", I'm more likely than not going to stay exactly where I am.

Over the last week I was actually explaining a little bit about all of this. The joke that kept being repeated is that I'm the shiniest. I really wish that was a joke, on so many levels. I'm really not that shiny, except everyone and everything seems to think I am...

I realize that's not going to make a whole lot of sense. I don't think it's supposed to? Only that this really does make being a hermit seem more appealing. Yeah, an extroverted hermit. That'll last, lol. Especially since I'm supposed to be hanging out with people because I've been a hermit for far too long.

I have absolutely no answers and more questions. Ain't that the story of my life.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Promises

There was something I didn't tell y'all about last week, while I was gone. Mainly, because if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be Steve. (I know, a name!! He said I could use his, so there you go.)

I made out with a guy. Apparently I also asked, while heavily intoxicated, him to stay the night with me. Thankfully this guy had enough common sense to not take me up on that.

But, I'm kinda beating myself up about it.

It feels like a betrayal. Of my feelings for Steve. More so of all the promises I made to myself recently. I haven't talked about those to anyone, which is maybe why I couldn't follow through. If no one knows, then I'm not accountable. This pesky guilt bit is new though. Self accountability???

Who would have ever thought? :-P

The promises I made to myself were as followed:

  • Hit the pause button on all current relationships and for any new ones.
  • Find more things that make me happy that aren't about making others happy.
  • Process through all the emotions and thoughts that are going on, and are likely to continue for some time over the next few months.
  • Figure out what the heck is going on spiritually in my life. (Seriously, it's been insane.)
  • Pick a direction for my life, what I want out of it, who I want in it, etc.
  • Set a goal for the next 6 months and work my ass off towards it.
I had already picked a goal too. I joined a gym recently. My goal is to lose 25 pounds and get in better physical health. And if I can get that weight off, I can see if I like me at that point, or if I want to lose a little more. I know my body well enough that I need to exercise regularly. I haven't been and I'm trying to fix that.

I haven't been writing outside of here in months. I couldn't even look at the words on the pages anymore. No pieces in stories were falling into place. About a week ago, I started writing again. It was really fun. There wasn't this sense of "work' that had been there for too long.

But in general, these are good promises to myself. They'll hopefully make for a better and happier me.

And I know it was just some flirting and some kissing. It's not that big of a deal in itself. The guy is fun and thinks I'm amazing. I've made a good friend, and I'm not thinking about anything more than that.

Steve said I learned a lesson. Don't drink so much. I see it as a personal failure. I don't do things in half measures, he knows that. If I promise I'm going to put romance and sexual expression on the back burner, then that's what I'm going to do. Except ya know, I didn't...

It's my mother's voice demanding perfection that has internalized into one of my voices. When I strive for perfection, I fail and it brings about a cycle of self-hate. Forgiving others is fairly easy. Forgiving myself? Not so much.

I guess I have a new addition to the list. "Learn to forgive myself."

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Thank You, Internet

This was too funny and apt not to share:

Yesterday's Update

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2741

And Today's


http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2742


This! Even the hand gestures, and non coherent screaming. That's me.

If you don't know Questionable Content, please check it out. Even if you have never read a comic online, this is one that you should. There are links below each picture. Jeff Jacques is a brilliant man who understands interpersonal relations.

Plus, all the relationships that are trying to work but just can't quite get there. Yep. It's no wonder I identify so much with these characters.

And ya know...exes who won't leave you alone. *twitch*

Monday, July 7, 2014

Crazy Exes

I wake up around 4:30 this morning because one of my cats is mewing at me. My girls missed me while I was off galavanting. But I see my phone is flashing so I check it. An email, meh. Open it up and it's from an ex...

This is now the second ex in two weeks that has contacted me. The latest one was a brief 3 week whirlwind and I even hesitate to call him an ex. We only met up for coffee, once. There were other online and phone interactions...but eh?

That was three and a half years ago.

I swear I'm not that interesting.

Okay, so I'm submissive. Great, awesome, fantastic. There were vast incompatibility issues going on, in both vanilla and kink. The 3 week guy and I just couldn't even make it work to begin with. At least the other guy had some type of foundation built. But I gave up who I was in order to make him happy, and when I couldn't do it anymore, he tossed me aside.

Literally mind boggling.

Either I'm more interesting and special than I give myself credit for, or I attract crazies who border on stalkers. Hell, both may be true.

I just don't get it. Move on. Find someone who actually wants to give them the time of day, because I obviously don't.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Tequila...the evil conqueror of good souls

Note to self:

You are too old to drive 3 hours to a party, drink 7 (at least) shots of tequila plus 3 woodchucks and a large glass of sangria, stay up til 4 am, sleep 4 hours, and drive back home 3 hours. It does not end well. Your body will hate you and be angry for the next 24 hours.

Also, you will lose enough sense of space to forget what gravity is. You will end up face first on the ground. Not once, not twice, but three times. When the world is spinning so erratically that you don't have a sense of up versus down, you drank far too much.

Furthermore, you don't bite the person who is helping keep you off the floor. You getting a new minion and friend out of it is not the point.

I'd say you scared the vanillas but there surprising wasn't anyone vanilla there. Considering you ended up talking about the weird episodes of CSI and people chimed in on the differences between furries, pet play, and pony play.

This is why you don't drink tequila. Ever again. I know we had this conversation 5 years ago so I hope you learned your lesson this time.

Sincerely,

Your body


This rarely ever happens. Tequila. That was the last time I was so drunk that I hurt for a day afterwards. And thankfully the nice guy I bit? He was okay with the hickies. He was more amused than anything. I couldn't actually tell you when that happened. Only that I remember it...then the next thing I remember is falling face forward while sitting in a chair.

This is about the right idea of things...
"You are now my chair and headrest, kthnx!"


I am too old for this shit. No tequila in the future and I should be good.

All that said, it was a very fun evening. The host is a very good friend of mine. Known each other about 9 years now. He's very much like an older brother, which means we pick on each other out of love and affection. I was finally able to put a lot of faces to names. It was a wild evening into night.

To be fair, there were four of us taking shots, including the host of the party. Toasting to old friendships and new ones, to getting away from crappy exes, to silly things that meant something at the time but make no sense now. There was also something about toasting to a guy who because he was straight, he must be a bisexual girl? I have no idea where that came from, only that it made sense at the time.

Do you see why it was so easy for me to get drunk around these people? They are my kind of people and so therefore, why not do shots of tequila with everyone else?? Lol, we weren't even chasing the tequila shots with anything. Yep, we were that insane.

But never, ever again will I drink that much. Nope. Lesson learned. When my body can't tolerate coffee, I'm not a happy camper. Coffee is much more preferable to drinking alcohol.

So yeah, that was Thursday night into Friday. Five of us ended up getting breakfast at a diner in the morning. The people were just as interesting sober as drunk, which is a good thing. Then I got to drive 3 hours home. Ugh.

Fun night, but from now on, other people can take the shots of tequila instead. :-P

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Inevitable...Expanded Edition

It occurred to me that to those who aren't in my mind (everyone who isn't me, lol...and occasionally him), my last post might not make sense in the context of everything I've written about previously. Polyamory and a monogamous relationship do seem like two conflicting ideas.

Truth is that they aren't. If you break the word polyamory apart, in its greek and latin mix, it literally means "many" and "love". The word is applied to those in multiple committed relationships but it's not an exclusive use of the word.

Being polyamorous is like having green eyes, which I do in fact have. Yes, it's a part of me, but neither of those things define me. I can't stand being a brunette so I dye my hair red. I'm still a brunette, but I have the choice not to be.

I will always love multiple people. There is no getting around that. I still feel an ache over the loss of my first boyfriend; that was 14 years ago. I remember my first crush. His name was Matt and we were in 2nd grade. He was a "bad boy" which set the stage for liking guys who were...different. Every person that I have romantically liked or dated or loved, a part of that will always be alive.

I am very much in love with Chris and Lisa. I have loved Chris for years and I doubt that will ever change. Chances are I will fall in love with someone else, or more than one person, over the next several decades.

What will I do about all of that? Well, that is my choice. Whether I put "polyamorous" or "monogamous" in front of the word relationship is a choice I can make. I can't change who I fall in love with. That is a mysterious and wonderful concept that I don't even know how to begin to rationalize. Whether I act on feelings I have is up to me.

I've written before, somewhere, that I want to be accepted as polyamorous. What I mean by that is: I have this tendency to fall in love with people, whether I intended to or not. That doesn't change who I'm committed to and what my relationship structure is at that time.

Because really, do people think that I don't get flirted with and asked out and hit on all the time? I meet people regularly who catch my interest. But I've chosen not to do anything with or about those people. Sometimes it hurts because I want to have all the people that I desire. At the same time, I have to be realistic.

And it's in being realistic that a thought had been lingering under the surface for some time that I struggled with immensely. I never wanted to choose a monogamous relationship. I never wanted to put that much of myself into one relationship. Not the levels of trust, or being half of a whole. As stubborn as I am, I couldn't ignore what he did to me...what he still does.

It's like being in a room full of candles only for the roof to be taken off and the sun shine in. Oh those candles still exist. They don't diminish simply because the sun is there. In comparison though, they fade to the background.

That's what he does. What he's always done. But I kept sticking my head in the sand hoping it wouldn't always be that way. Except instead of the brightest fading, it got stronger. Until just being around other flames made me yearn for the brightest. That's why it was inevitable. Not because I don't love other people, I do, but it's not fair to them when my heart always wants him more.

That's the key factor in being polyamorous and choosing monogamy. I've said to him that "I would try monogamy." Why just try? Pride, vulnerability, fear. Take your pick. Maybe because I know there would be days when it would be hard. When the short term would seem more appealing than the long term. The fear that he would feel betrayed and wouldn't want to see it through. Any number of silly thoughts my mind can come up with.

The real secret is him. It's not a word choice that matters at the end of the day. It's about him. Shhhh, we can't let him know that he's super special like that. :-P

He may not exactly be thrilled that I'm writing about all of this right now. Oh well, lol. I don't want it to change anything, at least not for the next few months. I can call it being more open and expressive. Yeaaaah. Cuz we talked about that issue. So I'm claiming that this falls under that category.

*smiles innocently*

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Inevitable

Where to even begin? The last few weeks have felt like months. I've been up and down and all over the place. The depression came back something awful, and through a series of very odd events, is no longer even around. I still have no idea what to make of any of that...

I just almost called him "sir"...that's mildly annoying. The whole thing. *sigh*  I have no idea what to call him on here anymore.

So, my therapist thought it might be a good idea if we went in to talk things over. Bring my therapist up to speed, from both perspectives. Help us sort things out.

In the beginning of this blog, there was this post followed by this other post. In the latter, I wrote that our communication problems would likely be the story of this blog. Turns out I was right. It's not often I get to say that.

We are still talking past each other. Not communicating as we should be. Him not telling me about things that were bothering him. And I guess I never made it clear how much he meant to me...

Before ending things a few weeks ago, he had this idea that we were friends with a small romantic/physical interest on the side. Like 90% friendship, 10% romance. It's why he thought I would take the ending of the romantic/physical side of things decently well. He didn't expect it to shatter the ground beneath me.

Maybe I don't say it enough. Maybe because I felt like he never wanted to hear it.

But he was my everything. I would have given everything up for a chance at a long term, intimate, throw all caution to the wind relationship. He was the center of my romantic life. I had been considering monogamy for him.

The very idea of that scares me. I grew up like most girls wanting prince charming, albeit a more devious version. But my interests were always varied and fleeting. I gave up trying to find "the one" by not depending on one person to be everything I'd always been looking for. I didn't believe I would ever find someone who would make everything and everyone else dull in comparison.

Yep. I knew not long after I started this blog. It's all there in my second post. That fear? I can still taste it. I finally found the one person who stole my breath and made the world disappear. And I fought it every single step of the way. Because if it didn't work, if I fell for him, oh god it would kill me. It'd be taking all the color out of the world. It's not hard to see why the depression took hold of me so quickly.

He told me that I'd move on. There are plenty of people out there, better people than him. Nope. It doesn't matter. They aren't him. He is the only one who being away from is physically painful. When I'm with other people, all I can think of is him. Having a scene with someone else? It's not him. And as the months went by, the less I was interested in even playing with others.

I was stupid. I didn't let him know. I punished him by continuing to play with other people because I couldn't have everything I wanted from him. Because I was so damn afraid of finding one person who made the world right, who saw past everything to the woman I am at my core.

I didn't lose a lover. I lost a part of me. And I was so stubborn that I couldn't let him know, couldn't let him see just how much he meant to me. How much he will always mean. Let's face it. Chances of finding someone like that ever again is pretty slim. After having someone that amazing in my life, no one could ever compare.

Maybe he's right. That I need time to be me for a while. No relationships. No emotional obligations. Just me. I've never really gone without being in a relationship, not for long anyway. Someone new always showed up and I dove into it to ease a broken heart.

This isn't broken. This is missing. My heart stopped being mine a while ago. It may be too late, but that's the truth of it. I can't give my heart to someone else when it belongs to him. Monogamy isn't a choice when it comes to that man. It's the inevitable.

Those are the words I've been avoiding for over a year now. I guess it's time to make them known.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

For now...

I'm not really back, but I figured I owed y'all more details.

He broke up with me. I can sugarcoat it all I like, but that's the truth of the matter.

It wasn't done maliciously or because he doesn't love me. He wasn't being true to himself. If I had known, I would have put a stop to it. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, even if it meant giving him up.

To be fair that's not where we stand on the matter. There's a whole lot of neither of us wanting to lose the other. But we're not okay individually. It was never his right to make decisions for me...trying to say I needed this. Back up about five feet from that thought. I can accept that I am a mess, but ultimately I decide whether or not a relationship is harmful to me in the long run. Ugh, men.

It wouldn't have been bad for me. I think anyone who reads this damn thing knows it was incredibly good for me. That he is incredibly good for me. But I can accept that it wasn't good for him, at least not right now.

So, where do we stand with each other? Friends. He has been and will continue to be one of my best friends. The argument could be made that he is my best friend. He's still here.

I'm not going to lie. The last week has been ungodly difficult. Not just with this, but grief has this unfortunate habit of calling upon on past pains in my mind. He's been very worried about me, and has done everything he can to help. This is why he is awesome.

Oh don't get me wrong. He acted like a total idiot by not telling me that due to certain outside factors being in a relationship with me was causing an inner meltdown. And then even after he recognized it, he still tried to make it work. Whatever points he gets for that, he loses in the category of things to never, ever do.

He is a good man who made a very silly decision to put my wants ahead of his inner needs. He's arguing the point of being a good man but he doesn't get to decide how I view him. Ha.

We're taking one day at a time. It's all we can do for now.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Leave of Absence

I should be talking about a wonderful, amazing scene that we had yesterday evening. But I can't. It'll make me sad and frustrated.

And it was a great scene. Probably our best so far. Maybe one day I can write about it.

I'm not angry. We're going to talk about it some more tomorrow. I hope it'll make more sense then.

I'm not thrilled with any of this, but I understand why, in part, the decision was made. Granted, I have a few choice words of my own that will be said. If he ever wants us to be an "us" in the future, there are a few things he needs to know first.

I am stronger and more resilient than anyone has given me credit for. I will be the mountain that does not move. The tree that bends but does not break.


And I will wait. Let them all see what happens now that I am free. Truly, the surface has only been scratched and there is so much more to see than anyone ever thought possible.

I don't know when I'll be posting again. Being here right now isn't good for me. But I will be back.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I Am Free

I'm not sure where to begin, and maybe most of it doesn't need to be said.

Three days ago, I noticed colors again. Bright and vivid. When did the sky get so blue? I swear it was never that blue except for a day in Arizona ten years ago. The grass too? I pass those fields several times a week.

My world was working on a dimmer switch and someone cranked it up to full capacity...

I woke up this morning with my spine curving more properly than it has in the last three years.

What's tomorrow going to look like?



So the question that you're all asking is, "What changed?"

Remember the Ex? Yep, gone. It took far more drastic steps than I would have ever thought necessary but I am free of him. Three weeks ago, I started taking the steps to break free of the chains he placed around me. And in the end, I won.

No one knew the extent of what that man did to me and what he put me through. In many ways, no one ever will. But I survived. I dislike the term "victim." No, I'm a survivor.

As for the present? I can live. For the first time, I can live freely.

The only chains I will ever wear again are the ones for fun and pleasure. :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Eye of the Storm

My world feels like it's being torn apart by a storm and scattered to the four corners.

And yet...there's a feeling of pause, anxiously waiting for what comes next. The eye of the storm that lulls the false sense of security, but I know better.

The storm will rage on.

I'm in the position of standing on my own two feet, no crutch in sight. Oh, they'll pick me up if I fall, but I will have to fall first.

I remember being 13, so excited for the first step into adulthood. I thought about growing up as all kids do. The excitement to be who I wanted to be, do what I wanted to do, become the person I could never be then.

This is the first step I've had to do all that. That 13 year old girl believed I'd have it all figured out by now. Yet I don't.

I know how to survive. I only know how to live in briefly stolen moments, knowing I may have to pay a price for my independence. The freedom to live by my own choices that will make me happy is a dream with new fire in it. There's the fear it'll be put out. Or succeed. The excitement of having the first taste of what being free means.

Today the storm will hit. Only the Fates know what will happen next.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Imperfect

There was one squee worthy thought in my last post that I didn't touch upon because it would have overtaken the rest of the fun. So what am I talking about?

Well, first you need some background information. When I'm around Sir, I'm always put together. Not high maintenance by any means but I have my hair tamed, nice clothing, most of the time make-up on. All the things people do to make a good appearance and to be more desirable.

Yes, He has woken up next to me but that's different. I think He's only seen me not give a shit of what I look like once, when I was having a god awful period a couple months ago. That day, I did not care about anything and He was going to have to live with it. To His credit, He was perfect. That was a one off kind of situation.

So when He wanted me to come over after gardening all day? Ummm, even in gardening clothing? I'm sure there was still dirt on me in several places...

He did and basically eluded to sexy fun times. He didn't care. Not only did He not care, apparently I was still attractive to Him.

That's a big deal and pretty damn fantastic. It's one thing to be found attractive when I'm trying, but a whole other level when I'm just me on an average day.

*squeeeeee*

I was allowed to be imperfect. That level of acceptance is going to do wonders for my self-image and self-esteem. I really do love that man and how He continues to surprise me, in a good way.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Pushing Boundaries

Evil, god damn sadist!

I loved every second of it....jerk. :-P

Sir invited me over yesterday for a couple hours before He had to go off to do other things in the evening. I was already in a happy place because when I was dragging my feet about pulling weeds outside earlier in the day, Sir helped motivate me. I finished that a little before Sir texted me about coming over.

So I made sure He was alright with me in garden clothes, probably still had dirt on me somewhere. He said that He didn't care, and was alluding to some sexy fun times happening today.

They did happen. But He made me work for every last inch. It was a toss between a personal growth moment and the fact that I apparently amuse the hell out of Sir when I'm put in situations that make me slightly uncomfortable.

I don't initiate things. I talk too much. I flail. I think too much. All the uncomfortable feelings of having the illusion of being in control. I'm not stupid. It was an illusion, nothing more. Even that...ugh.  *flail*

I worked for every last little inch that He outright told me was going to happen. Every kiss, every article of clothing that was removed, what would come next and how. That was all me because that's what He wanted.

It wasn't until I begged for Him to fuck me--I didn't care how, just that it needed to happen--that He dropped the illusion and took full control. He took me right there on the floor. It was fantastic. The moment His cock was inside me, it didn't matter how long we had sex or if I had an orgasm.

I was already riding the waves of bliss. He teased and played with my mind, a very sadist game of torture that I had to be fully involved in--throw myself into the fire willingly. And really, nothing makes me hotter or happier than when He fucks with my mind. Just at the edge of being in control of things, He takes back full control and claims what it His.

I couldn't have asked for more. It's something I never would have thought of in any fantasy, and of course the reality was so much better for it.

During all this, I kept telling Him how lucky He was. I'd never push myself into such an emotionally vulnerable...stretchy...situation for anyone else. And He is lucky to have me.

I'm luckier. :-)

Friday, May 23, 2014

Personality Differences

There's a new tab up above that I've been meaning to add for ages. It's fairly straightforward of who people are and how long they've been around. I'm fairly certain it was Blondie who commented about being very confused by all the people. I hope that helps.

I forget that you all aren't in my head with me, having access to years of memories. Don't worry, I do the same thing with Sir...and my therapist for that matter. It's a personality quirk of mine. It even happened yesterday. I thought something was common knowledge and apparently I obfuscated the issue. Something I excel at, by the way.

Anyway, I saw Sir on Tuesday evening. He essentially handed me a book to read about personality types. It was quite fascinating, and based on Myers Briggs and Keirsey. I was a fraction away from either a ENFJ or an ENTJ. The key difference between the two is empathy and how those types influence the people around them. ENFJ is all empathy and compassion, gentle guidance. ENTJ is no nonsense, my way or you're wrong.

What surprised me was Sir saw far more of the ENTJ in me. And it really does go to show that I'm very different around different people. How I treat adults (including myself) and how I treat children are night and day. Around children and animals, I'm the eternal mother. We can work out the problem until it's fixed. Around adults? Hahaha, it's my way. Because I'm right and I know better.

Except when I don't. And Sir gives me looks. Because He knows better. I love you, Sir. *smiles and bats eyes*

This is because as I was reading this book, one personality type had me laughing so hard because it was Sir. INTJ, otherwise known as the mastermind. He has literally said things to me nearly word for word that are part of that personality. Like, once something is known? It's known and doesn't have to be reestablished.

It explains so much about Him. Once He establishes a baseline, that's how it is until He changes it. If there are no active changes, then everything still stands as it was before. Which is maddening to someone like me, because I need updates on information. Even if nothing has changed, I still want confirmation because I need to know that I'm working with the most current information.

This is the very reason why I worry about things between us when He doesn't. Nothing has changed for Him so He doesn't see why I worry. Whereas I worry because nothing has been established for the present, only the past. What was then doesn't mean what is now, though I'll have to adjust because that how He works.

If we ever drive each other insane, it'll be for that reason. Thankfully, I'm not a pure ENTJ (who is funnily enough the Fieldmaster) and can switch on the high empathy to work out issues in a peaceful context...instead of taking over the world and setting on fire that which displeases me. :-P

That's what we had fun talking about on Tuesday. Nothing terribly kinky until He was teasing me next to my car. Rubbing me through the skirt just enough to tempt me. Sadist...

Monday, May 19, 2014

NRE and Other Relationships

NRE (new relationship energy)...oh the lovely things it does to people.

Friends of mine that I've mentioned here before, Kevin and Rebecca...well apparently they are seeing this new woman and now they Own her?? I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself about all that. Frankly because I don't think it needs to be said.

I know I'm highly susceptible to NRE. Thank god Sir was/is sensible and I love Him so much for that right now. That man is the voice of reason; I need to remember that more often. I can be the wild one and He can continue being sensible. Balance each other out. But someone needs to be the voice of reason...

Or people make decisions that have a high probability of crashing and burning.

(Seriously, we were talking about this recently. He's been that good guy His entire life. Whereas for me? There are things that upon reflection were incredibly reckless. There's a good decade worth of moments where I wonder, "how did things go as well as they did." It was so worth it though, lol)

Other than shaking my head at my feed on Fet, I've been busy the last several days planning a trip that's in less than two months. I'll be spending over a week with Chris in July. Our plans of seeing each other later this month fell through for a few reasons. But July will be our friends commitment ceremony that I mentioned a while back.

It's a small, intimate event. The big white wedding will be some time next year, probably in the Fall. This will be the religious ceremony that they couldn't have with their family. He follows a Norse tradition, whereas she leans towards the Greeks. Their families are extremely Christian and are already upset that the big white wedding won't be in a church.

Honestly, it reminds me of collaring ceremonies. Something that the outside, general public just wouldn't understand. So we've been trying to get all the details together. Food planning, attire, arrivals and finding space for everyone, planning a girls night out the night before. Chris and I have been doing what we can to help our friends with ironing out everything.

Not to mention that another couple we're friends with is getting married in November. There's just so much going on within that group of friends. Chris and I have joked about it that we're actually really glad we'll never be getting married. We're so happy to stay dating for the foreseeable future because we'll always have our own space.

I think Sir's reasonableness is rubbing off on me, lol. Reasonable expectations of relationships and progression therein is not something I've ever been good at. See the above of being a bit on the wild side. Either I wanted too much, too quickly or I had casual flings with people who wanted a relationship. Not to mention getting involved with people who were very bad for me because I rushed into a relationship.

There may actually be a good balance of all that now. I'm in no rush to go anywhere with any relationship. Just be open to seeing what happens. I think that's a healthier place for me to be.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Obsessive? Maybe a little...

I completely forgot to mention that I saw Sir recently. Two Fridays ago, I was still monster sitting and He came over to keep me company. It was a few hours after my post about how unsubmissive I was feeling. But thankfully He was there because my back decided it no longer wanted to cooperate and was doing something really funky to my hips, and the nerves going down my right leg.

Sir was telling me about His new job that He'll be starting in a couple of weeks. O.O

I have since reburied my head in the sand because I don't want to think about what He does. It's nothing bad, just either "curiosity will kill the cat" (me) or I'll worry too much. It's a great opportunity for Him and I'm super excited, don't get me wrong. Everything in this new job should be better on all counts.

Just don't ask me to think about it, LOL. I will rock the same tunnel vision I pick on Lisa for having, hahaha.

As for me, the last week has been spent outside in my various gardens. Dirt. Glorious dirt that makes me so damn happy. It's like a happy pill. I've also decided to grow a little bit of everything this year. So much so that I grabbed a notebook to jot down results and plan for next year.

I may have a tiny, wee bit of an obsession. It's good for me, even my therapist says so.

In the raised garden there is 4 broccoli plants, 2 peas, yellow and green squash, 2 cauliflower, 2 brussel sprouts, a cucumber, and a melon plant.

Everything else is in pots: 6 tomato plants, 11 pepper plants, 9 herbs including chocolate mint (mojitos anyone??), russet potatoes....And last night on a spur of the moment decision, I now have 5 strawberry plants. There's also a random raspberry bush planted in the yard that I've had in a pot for a few years. I'm hoping that will do something lol.

Next year is all planned out as well. Instead of one raised garden, there will be four. I'm getting rid of all my grass in a yard that doesn't have much going for it. The main part of the yard is only 39' X 14'. At this point, the space is worth more to me designed as a veggie and fruit garden.

That's what I'm keeping busy doing, along with all the indoor cleaning. Today I'm going to Lisa's to help her pull weeds from her front garden so I should get around to go do that.

Hope y'all have a great day. :-)