Friday, November 30, 2012

Wednesday Night's Convo

The conversation the other night was quite long. Probably lasted at least 6 hours, with a few breaks.

It started with the normal conversation about each other's days. Moved to honesty, disclosure, polyamory and monogamy, my childhood, and my relationship with the boyfriend.

The stuff y'all want to hear about didn't happen until around 11 PM.

We transitioned via talking about the bf (more on that at another time) to us. That sets the tone for the following text:

"I am willing to put a man who I'm not even with before my relationship with him..."  (meaning Him over the bf)

"That's, ah, a bit of an obstacle, yeah. Heh, I don't really have words right now."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's not something to be sorry for. It is what it is. And yes, I do see it. And it shames me that I hesitate and wonder."

"*hugs*  I don't want it to shame you..."

"You have such a strength of conviction and of feeling."

"Remember my kitchen that one evening...we talked about us, and my feelings for you. I said it was different, with you. I was clear headed. You said it couldn't be love, if i'm always irrational and love-blind at first...I've been thinking about that...maybe I'm actually approaching this in a healthy way for the first time in years. Taking the time to make sure it's right....It's been since July and I'm only more convinced by the day. I continue to force myself to be honest with you, even when I don't want to be....hell, I'm willing to be monogamous. I would not give or do that for just anyone. Do not take that lightly. Because I don't."

"I don't take it lightly at all. 

It's yet another part of why I hesitate and am slow, why I hold back and don't rush headlong into whatever this is. If I am to accept this, I want it to be for the right reasons, with the right motives, and with the right thoughts. I don't want you because you offer yourself, I want it to be because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is what I want and that it is right. It would be a great disservice to walk into your life, sweep you off your feet, and carry you off only to find out that it's not real both ways, that this great gift you offer isn't reciprocated. You've had too many men who have done that and I won't add my name to that list. 

I could never forgive myself if I disrespected you or your love."

His last section of text is what took me by surprise. It also cemented that He's definitely worth waiting for, and He's one of the best men I've ever known. He wants to be sure and I have to love Him even more for that.

Then it became a little more explicit, lol...

You have charms it is hard to resist. were you here right now... I would probably not be very conflicted. not only would I snuggle the crap out of you, but you might wake the neighbors, lol.

He went on about His rope He'd found and all the lovely positions He wants to put me in on the 9th. Apparently being hogtied is on that list!!!

Also blow jobs where I'll be holding my breath (read: not being allowed to breathe) because He wants to see if varying positions help with the angles.

This was our Wednesday evening...y'all can see what happened Thursday. I have so much more to tell you. I'll be out of town this weekend but if I can manage, I'll have two posts scheduled. If nothing else, expect to see a post with some reactions from the last few days.

I'm a little stunned and in a happy place, for a number of reasons...not withstanding 9 orgasms yesterday...yeah, He watched me last night on cam as He ripped 5 more out of me. I am sore from moving muscles I haven't in awhile.

I am really, really happy. ^_^

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Afternoon Orgasms and Other Fun

I became His play toy for the morning/afternoon. I woke throughout the night horny and soaking wet. Set the tone for the rest of the day.

I mentioned that I was horny around 10:30 am...we bantered back and forth for over an hour. He wasn't ready to let me orgasm yet, so He gave me permission to edge up to 3 times. The catch was I couldn't use my hands.

It took me a bit to figure out a good configuration with a toy propped up. One of my favorites, a glass dildo. I think it may be one of His favorites too, lol. I got into a really good rhythm. I had a towel beneath me, to hold the dildo still and to make it the right height. On my hands and knees, impaling myself per His commands.

By 12:18, I was begging for release. He asked me how it was, not using hands. Let me tell you, it was hot as hell! We talked and He teased me the whole time.

Heh, He asked if I would show Him what He was missing...that I did!! Propped up my phone and just went to town. Normally, I'd be all embarrassed. Surprisingly, the thought never entered my mind.

While He was waiting for the video, He had me hold the last edge. That was around 12:40. I had orders to "ruin" the orgasm if I went over the edge.

He enjoyed the video, very much. Wished He had been there to enjoy it in person. I have a feeling I'll be recreating that some time.

He asked me questions. I need to give you the transcript for this...

"The first being, why should I let you cum?"

"Bc you enjoy having me cum. I've been an obedient and slutty sex kitten for you."

"That you have been. But I get the feeling you want used more, and in more open settings."

"I do enjoy being used Sir :)"

"Publicly, openly, having it be made known you're a wanton slut who will do anything to please me?"

"Oh yes Sir. I would like that, especially at your command."

"I may have to put this to the test sometime."

He then me permission to cum until I had worn myself out, lol. It was 1:03 at this point. I managed to hold that edge for over 20 minutes. Have no clue how, except I didn't want to disappoint Him.

The orgasms were fantastic!!! Explosive! I came the moment He told me to, and I had four glorious orgasms. So damn good!

I'm still glowing. I pleased Him today. He's very happy with my obedience. Enjoyed having control over me.

It's been a damn good day already. The conversation last night is something I still need to talk about here. To update y'all and really to work out some of it myself. So look for that soon!

Things just got interesting around here!

The man has spent the last hour fucking my pussy is dripping wet. Soaking, all because of things He said. Things He wants to do to me.

And I likely won't cum until the morning...I have to beg for it when I do!!

I'm sure it'll be a night of sex-filled dreams.

Then it sounds like He's planning on further tormenting when I do beg. I was told not to cum without His express permission, though I can touch and play all I'd like.

I will update y'all sometime after all of that goes down. I'm sure it'll make for an interesting story.

I'll also tell you about the rest of our evening...things got very interesting in our conversations. He's a very sweet man who truly wishes only the best for me.

*happy and horny sighing*

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Doing Okay, Regardless of "Obsessions"

I want to thank all of you who have commented recently. Your perspective and kind words have been incredibly helpful.

As for Him and I, we're fine. We've talked about it and I think worked our way through it. I'm still a little off, and it's showing in other areas of my life. It'll just take some time to recover.

Our connection/relationship is solid. The trust and communication skills we've established allowed for Him to guide me away from an emotional crash. Those have allowed us to continue talking and building up what exists...instead of tearing it down.

It opened up a pathway of communication we've been keeping silent on. One I think once out in the open, it'll really put us on the same page. Simply, we're still not saying some things about ourselves, and each other. We can't work with a true understanding of the situation without full disclosure.

And He agreed with me on that. He made a comment that He may be more aware of things than He lets on. I told Him that's not really healthy either. Information and discussions don't have to lead to actions. They do lead to more open communication and peace of mind.

As for that word "obsession"...His explanation of the use of the word:

"to me, the term has no innate negative context;
an obsession is simply that which dominates a persons thoughts 
and which they devote themselves to"

I've been sitting here with that word. Beyond all the points of past harm and why the word would upset me. Beyond my notions of its negative implications. I can put those aside and yet there's still an ache within me.

So I took a step back and wondered why. Because I don't want Him to see me in a negative light. I don't want my actions to make Him uncomfortable. I don't want to further complicate or bother what is between us.

His answer to that has been there all along:

"I just don't want you thinking that I think that you're doing something wrong"

That about sums it all up, doesn't it? :)

I have a feeling we'll be stronger for this in the long run.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Power of Words

Language is far more powerful than I think we give it credit for.

American English (in everyday speech) also misuses words to such an extent that communication is bound to be stifled.

Words are windows into the mind. While I may ramble and rant, my words are mostly chosen with precision. How I lay out a post is intentional.

Sometimes I am less formal and more free writing. Others, each word is very specific and laden with meaning.

My previous post was spur of the moment. It was messy.

It's still accurate. I would not change any word in it. Because I was speaking from an emotional standpoint, whereas I normally filter it through with reasoning and a rational perspective.

Or I attempt to, at least. I'll admit my reasoning can be skewed at times.

Under that post, He posted a comment. It was sweet and well-meaning.

There's also the word "obsessive."

He regretted it as soon as He got my reaction. He wanted to replace the comment without that word because He saw how much it hurt me.

The word is there, whether y'all see it or not.

We talked about it last night. It was a poor word choice.

And I'm crying again. Damn it...

He called Himself a "ponce." And an "insensitive dolt."

It had been a rough night on me already. People not taking a situation seriously, including Him. It really got under my skin and I had to be a hard-ass.

It's just a word. One He doesn't even view negatively. I do though. I'm trying to not let it get to me, truly. But obviously it's wormed its way into my mind.

This post and all its words are important. I do not blame Him. I would never blame Him for something like that.

The reason it hurts is because it's not entirely untrue. I want to believe my feelings for Him are in a healthy context. But the word "obsessive" comes with a lot of negative emotional baggage.

Right now, I'm trying to stop it from fracturing the trust and connection between us. A misplaced word shouldn't have that power but the implications struck my heart, hard. Hopefully the rest of His well chosen words can mend that ache.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Drunken Messages

I sent Him drunken texts last night. Upon waking up this morning, I was so embarrassed.

Thankfully He thought I was cute. :)

He also told me I'm incorrigible.


Because I told Him I wanted drunk snuggles. That for me means a night of snuggling, sober sex in the morning, and then more snuggles.

At least I didn't start singing. Typically I need hard liquor for that, but it's been so long since I was last drunk, I wouldn't have been surprised. And of course the more drunk I become, the louder and worse the singing gets.

There's a fine line in there. Where I'm comfortable enough to sing and yet still sound decent.

Hmm, He owes me a funny story. I'm rereading our conversation from last night, just for your reference.

Mmmm, I get lots of smiles from Him next time too. He told me I could have them. Because He's gorgeous when He smiles. He's good looking all the time. But when He smiles?? He's heart stopping.

Good lord, am I still drunk?? LOL

This is frankly just exhaustion talking though. That also lowers the walls and makes me want to tell y'all all about that man. Why I love every part of Him. Why He fits so well into all the parts of my life.

I'll be nice though. More for His sake than all of yours. He's a private man. Not even a fan of public affection. Kind of surprised He puts up with this blog actually. Probably because He doesn't feel like He can legitimately tell me to not blog about Him.

Would it be unwise to tell Him I would stop talking about Him, if He wanted me to?? Because I would if this made Him unhappy...yeah, I'm not in love or anything, lol. I know He would never stop my creativity like that...but I worry about things like that.

In summary? According to Him, I am cute/funny when drunk. Something to test out in person at some point.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wonderfully Terrible Ideas

On Thanksgiving evening, after many well wishes and thanks, I received a text from R.

"Now all we need is a kitten for dessert."

I had been texting with Him at the time and relayed such message. We both laughed, neither of us surprised.

It did however spark a very interesting conversation between us. As I told Him:

"Though if I had to choose, I'd much rather be your dessert, tee hee hee."

Some banter back and forth but then this where it became really interesting...

"I'm just wondering what the main course would be."

And the man tells me I'm the terrible one, HA!

After much discussion we came to the conclusion that it would be great fun playing with another sub girl.

One just came to mind, I'll have to mention her to Him...actually she would be really fun. I've played with her before with R at a couple of private parties. She's a total sweetheart. If I recall, she and Him have met a few times now.

Pretty sure she was at the last party we were all at together which would have been around Halloween. Really, my world is very small. Everyone eventually knows everyone else. Frankly that may be part of the problem He and I have in getting together...that's a topic for an entirely different post.

Now by no means are we in any rush nor is this something approaching a serious relationship. This is a "if we could find the right friend, this would be a fun evening for all."

I was lurking FL late that night and found a sweet woman I sent over to where my group of friends meet. She's looking for friends and events. I believe she'll fit in quite well.

I'll also admit I had an instant crush as soon as I saw her pic. Hot, cute, adorable. I want to do terrible things with her, lol.

Why do I mention her? Because she could have potential. This is why He thinks I'm sometimes very terrible. Guilty as charged!!! But I'm not the one who said this:

"Looking for victims already outside our circle?"

That speaks to how terrible we both are!! *giggles evilly*

Friendship: first and foremost. We also play SSC (safe, sane, consensual). Both of us have too much prior bad experience to take any of those lightly. So don't think either of us will corrupt the poor woman. The offer may be given, if she actually is as interesting as we both think she is.

I think getting out and meeting new people will do her good. I think it's a wonderful thing for everyone in the bdsm community to go out to meet other kinksters in a safe environment.

So yes, He's just as bad as I am...and we have fun ideas floating around for the hopefully near future...

Maybe He'll let me share some of that here!! :-P

Friday, November 23, 2012

Our Friendship

Truly He is one of the best friends I've ever had.

That's the level at which we exist most of the time: Friendship.

Not sex or bdsm or our "whatever-you-want-to-call-it" relationship...though on occasion those do arise.

Because of that, a lot of our time together doesn't get brought up here. Mainly because trying to explain the context of things would be time consuming, and likely reveal more about us than either of us are comfortable with.

However, this is one of those exceptions.

Yesterday morning I was really good...until I hit one of the dark spots. The kind where the mind is its own worst enemy. It's a dark place that eats away at happiness and peace. I hope y'all know what I mean by that.

He was there for me. Talked me through the worst of it. How did He put it?

"I will never let you go gently into the dark."

I didn't have to battle it alone. I finally understood many of our past conversations. I am stronger having people around me who truly care about me. He's told me time and time again that He'll always be there for me. Moments like yesterday morning back up His words.

I may be a bit broken and a little fractured but that doesn't change our friendship. He's not going to abandon me, no matter what part of me He sees. He said something super sweet and comforting:

"You get to keep me. 
And even if I go in person you get to keep your memories of me."

I'm used to people leaving and being really shitty on the way out. So often, He's told me that He won't be that way.

Considering the strength of the friendship we have, and are continuing to build...I believe Him.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Cuteness Relative to Anger??

I can not be angry or not-amused around Him. At least not for long. Why?

He thinks it's CUTE!!!

I was giving Him a "I'm not amused look" on Monday. I don't recall the specifics. He was likely being ridiculous. Our guy friend sitting next to Him knew to tread lightly.

But no! He thinks I'm just damn adorable when I'm trying to be angry, stern, mad, frustrated, etc.

It's so infuriating! And not for the reasons you're thinking. He's not poking fun at me and He's definitely not belittling my anger.

He legitimately thinks I look adorable and cute. He wants to pinch my cheeks and tell me just how cute I am.

Which makes me smile...

...grin like a fool...

...sigh in wistful contentment.

He takes all the fun out of being angry! Because then whatever He was doing no longer matters. Suddenly I see Him as all sweet and adorable again.

This is actually a great thing. I'm so well aware of that. Anger, resentment, frustration, etc are terrible things. Those eat away at happiness and peace in one's life. That He can defuse those moments is awesome!

He does have a very sweet, apologetic smile that more than makes up for Him taking the wind out of my sails. It's one of those "I'm sorry, I want to bundle you up in cuddles" smiles.

It's just in that moment, when I'm giving Him a look, it's just damn irritating that He can so easily make it disappear. I don't like being mad at Him either, which that likely helps. And it's never anything major so it's not like we have issues.

Like I said, I can't even remember what He was doing. I think part of Him does like getting under my skin. Sadist! Then being able to just turn off the reaction like a damn switch. That's the Dom in Him. Playing me like a well tuned instrument.

Damn Him for making me enjoy it too! :-P  Because smiling contently after being angry is much better than just smiling and being content on its own. I'm somehow more pliant and controllable. If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd swear He was doing all of this on purpose.

Anyone else get these moments where the other person can quickly and easily defuse your anger?? It'd be good to know it's not just me (and us lol).

Also to those in the US, hope y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving with lots of delicious food and great memories with friends and family!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Where The Cards Have Fallen

I pulled R aside on Sunday. We ended up seeing Them. There are really too many events in this area and it's only going to get worse as the holidays get closer.

I spoke to her privately. Ha, He knew exactly what I was doing as He watched us walk off. I brought her up to speed. I had to tell someone after all, since He won't let me talk about it anywhere else.

He didn't mind. I think He assumed I'd be telling Her. Because They are so aware of my life, it's not even funny.

Anyway, He offhandedly remarked that He'd likely be getting a talk from Them at some point. You know, make sure He knows what He's doing. Not to hurt me. That kind of stuff. All the standard "don't hurt someone I care about" threats. Heh...

Well, I mentioned His comment to K. Who then replied:
"Why would I do that?" ;)
Bc you care a lot about me and are super protective ^_^
"I expect you to be treated correctly, if not...well then there may be corrective steps taken." 
R's comments were more telling and amusing:
 "[K] is very protective. Your his kitten and he won't let anyone hurt you in the bad way. We know [He] is a good guy, but an extra warning never hurts."
I sent a message back basically saying it was nice that the people in my life can share. That's been a major issue in my life for...ummm well always been an issue in the past. People *cough read Doms cough* don't share well. But she continued and this is where it gets interesting:
"I think its because we know there is enough of you to go around and we know that you can have multiple partners. We know that your time with [Him] doesnt make you care for us less and I'm sure [He] sees that too. Also, we see how [He] can make you happy in ways we cant...We all just click, its why we gravitated to each other at the first party."
This is why I like Them so much!! It's why I love and care about Them. It's also why I don't really have a need to talk about Them much on this blog. Because we're absolutely good.

They're good with His role in my life, whatever it may end up being. And He's never had a single issue with me playing with Them.

He would say it's because He doesn't have a claim on me. Truth is He has as much, if not more, of a claim on me than They do. They're just willing to call me Theirs, while He's not ready for that. That's fine.

That's why I have a blog about Him. Because He and I are still figuring things out. Now y'all have a better perspective of the four of us. He's keeping Himself more distant, for sure. If He wants a closer spot, it'll be there waiting for Him. Not just for my life, but some part of Their lives as well.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Some interesting questions, Answered

I've been seeing this "Liebster Award" going around. These internet "share the love" posts amuse me. But that's a discussion for another time.

I like HisLittleAngel's approach which can be found over here. Instead of specific nominations, she put it out to all her readers. I enjoyed her questions so I'm answering them.

Be prepared for more insight than you may have ever wanted. :-P

1) If you could have one magical/super power what would it be? (Mine would be flying, complete with HUGE feathered wings)

Telekinesis :)  Because then I could be in bed all comfy and warm, and not have to get up to turn off the lights. Though I imagine it would get me in trouble, quite often in fact.

2) Is there anything you are really scared of?

Absolutely...every other fear pales in comparison: Letting someone in completely so that person can see all that I am. Then being rejected and completely dismissed.

3)  What is your favorite special treat?

Chocolate oranges. The kind you have to crack before opening.

4) Favorite sexual position?

I'm torn about this one. I have two and they are so different in context and head space. 1) Doggie style. It's being used. It's great for pet play. Somewhat degrading. Easy to have my hair pulled from that position too. 2) The other is having my legs pressed up so I'm almost folded in half. Then being fucked slowly and deliberately. Being able to look deeply in the other person's eyes. The power play that can be involved is swoon worthy.

5) If you could only have one book (or series) to read for the rest of your life what would it be?

Harry Potter series. Though book 4 has to be the English text that was distributed in France (and I imagine in French Canada). Long story but it's just not the same otherwise.

6) What is your favorite memory?

Any memory when I can still hear my mother's voice.

7)  If you could be an animal for a day, what animal would you be?

Snow leopard...though I'd be happy as any kind of leopard.

8) What is your favorite part of yourself?

My eyes.

9) If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

I would choose to live near all my friends and family. As many as possible. Because a place means nothing if it's not with the people I love.

10) Solve one worldwide problem, with a single word, which problem do you solve?


11)  What brought you to TTWD?

In name? An ex from several years ago. In actuality? A very good friend from my freshman year of high school. He corrupted me. I knew even then that he was perverted and I loved every second of it. My journey towards D/s and BDSM truly started there.

Him and Them

I need to explain a few things about this blog. It began as my escape, a place to sort out my head. While that is still the case, it's also...heh, He may dislike this...but it's my letters to Him.

So much of the time what I say is two-fold: informative to the masses and a message to Him.

The post on the 2nd? That was all for Him. An expression that it's Him I'm madly in love with. Him that I crave and need within the depths of my soul.

In doing so, I downplayed my connection to Them. I'll call them K (the man) and R (the woman). I'm sure He was well aware of my doing such. Plus things were more uncertain with Him, at least in my mind. Whereas with Them, everything was/is really good.

Y'all are coming in late to this party so let me give you some back story.

One night a few months ago changed all of us. It bonded the four of us in a way we've yet to discuss and address. The timing still isn't right though. One day it will be and y'all will hear all about it, I'm sure.

He and I were on one couch. They were on another. We spent a couple of hours just talking and getting to know each other. K and I had conversed a few times over the last year or so but that was the first time meeting R. He didn't know either of Them.

To be clear, all three are Tops of some sort, really on the Dom/Sadist spectrum. Which means I was the one being picked on tormented played with the whole time.

It shifted when we ended up in play space. It started with her. That woman. She knows how to make me melt. K joined in. Wartenburg wheel and fingernails.

Mmmmm! *happy sighing*

Then They went to play for awhile with the demo stuff. He came over...I have pics of that. Him all intense and focused while I'm three steps from heavenly bliss. I wish I could share those with y'all just for the sake of understanding how awesome our connection was even at the beginning.

Then all three played with me. Tormented me with so much pleasure that I wasn't capable of speech. Even the voice in the back of my mind was quiet, for once. I'll admit, I kept looking for Him. Making sure He was close. I wouldn't have made it through that night without Him. Something of which He's been well aware.

The connection with K and R is nothing new. It's not nearly as abrupt or shocking as it likely appears here. This blog was not meant for anyone but Him. It'll still mainly be about His place in my life.

Given that They are the only other people fully aware of my reality, and the nature of Him & I, it makes sense They'll appear from time to time.

Next post I'll update y'all on where the four of us are kind of at currently. It's pertinent enough to Him and I that I should share it. I'll be quoting people a bit because the three of them are funny people. There's a reason why I'm as close as I am to those three.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Church and other delights

I am happy. Incredibly so.

Okay, we can admit that I was silly to be paranoid about His church. It was awesome! The pastor was fantastic. One of the best services I've been to in years.

Am I converted? Not by any means. Will I go back some time? Maybe in a few months. Maybe.

Someone or something is calling me back to Christianity. Just wondering why. If you knew me better and had seen the last 14 years of my journey in faith, especially the last 9, you'd understand why I'm questioning.

I'll figure it out in time.


He and I went to lunch after church. He asked if anyone else had commented on my previous post, as He checked my blog from my phone. I enjoyed seeing His reaction as He read my words. Especially the comments directed at Him.

Oh the looks that man gives me.

*happy sighing*

There's so much I want to say but I'm not allowed to talk about least not yet. I'm sorry! Not my call but His. I respect that and Him.

I did learn He likes all the texts. We text daily throughout the day when we can. Normally I'll send him a "good morning" and see how His day is going. He likes that I text Him often and that I'm into our conversations. I'm just happy He likes the texts because I worry about such things.

What's nice is we'll see each other tonight as well. Though I will have to behave (yes, you can laugh now), I do enjoy His company. He's sweet and lots of fun. Even more with the friends we'll be with for the evening. It's an interesting group.

So yes, I'll be sure to update you when I can about the "unmentionables."  Don't hold your breath. It'll be awhile, at best.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Labels don't always work when it comes to life

Last night do I find the words?

I could use hers...that relationships don't need to fit into labels. They don't need to be posted anywhere for them to matter.

We talked about Him. I'm sure she saw the change when I talked about how I am so content with Him.

We talked about her and her man. How I fit into their lives. This is the couple I mentioned here. The latter of the two I mentioned on that page.

There are no labels for what I am to them. Even though they'd like to "claim" me as theirs. I chuckle at that now. I'm honored, truly. I do love them. The three of us click. It's intense and everyone sees it.

I may not be in love with them but that's a matter of semantics. I could also see it evolving into that kind of love. But right now, there's nothing to describe the kind of relationship we have. It's not friends with benefits.

Granted, they have plenty of benefits. I have sore nipples and bite marks with bruises on the one shoulder to prove it.

However, I didn't go looking for that last night. It's just one of those things. If it happens, awesome. If not, I will have a great time with amazing friends.

The level of attention, care, feelings, love,'s way more than just friends who like to fuck. Especially since I'm not having sex with them, lol. Just playing now and then.

So it is with Him. It's why friends with benefits sounds so wrong. Because it's more than that. I have no way to define what I have with Him either.

But it hit me last night, at the party no less. Whatever it is? I am really happy with it. He cares about me. Wants me to be happy, safe, healthy. He wants to cuddle with me as much as I want to with Him.

He's the one saying "some day" to cuddling all night together in bed. Sleeping safe and sound in His arms.

We've been past the lines of friendship for some time. So what that I can't label it??

Stealing her words again...what matters is what happens in real life. The people that are there, no matter what. Their actions, words, feelings.

I have three amazing, local friends who are frankly more than friends. One who I'm frankly madly in love with and I will not hold back admitting that.

*whispers* He needs to hear more often that He is loved for exactly who He is. I love Him and He just needs to get used to someone loving Him again.

I am blessed. Just took me some time to realize that.

This realization changes nothing, honestly. At least nothing externally, but if I'm lucky *crossing fingers* it'll do me a lot of good.

Hmmm, I wonder if I should offer Him my other shoulder to bite/bruise tomorrow? I'm feeling a bit unbalanced, hee hee. Don't know if He'll read this in time. May have to be all sweet and ask nicely.

Which the timing is funny because we're going to His church tomorrow. I should feel bad about asking Him to bite me on a church day...but I don't. It's up to Him. Just leaving the offer out there...

Friday, November 16, 2012


I smile more because of Him. And He likes when I smile, which makes me's a circle of smiling and happiness.

I was listening to music last night before I headed to bed for the night.

Suddenly the image of Him filled my mind. My breath caught and my heart nearly burst.

He was all dressed up in work clothes...god he's damn sexy in those. There's something hot about a man in professional attire. I'm getting myself all worked up just thinking about it.

He has this "look" as if He's staring right to the depths of me. *melts*

Oh, His eyes. Yum! He can look at me with those any time. They're a gorgeous swirl of gold, green, and brown. Just stunning.

Then He has this thing He does...pulling off the glasses dramatically and then He has this intensity to His expression. Typically followed by "Well hello there..."  *swoon*

This isn't Him being dominant. It's simply Him...being sexy and hot as hell.

The Dom look, when He lets the beast out?? Oh I stop thinking with that. Pliant submissive comes out then. Do whatever you wish, please...

His smile...I can't help but smile back. I love making Him smile. It's dazzling. Sometimes sweet, sometimes has a hint of a predatory nature to it.

I was horny as fuck yesterday. Like ready to fuck anything that moved. Instead, I opted for this amazing glass dildo I have. It has round little nobs along the length that just make it ten times better!!

I must have fucked my pussy with it for half an hour at least. 5 orgasms later...I'm blissed out. I'm still horny but I can barely move at that point.

It was Him. He's why those orgasms were that damn good...I was deep in fantasy world in my mind. He was the center of it all. He was giving me those looks that get me right at my core.

I won't go into the fantasies...but damn. Even in those, He's just irresistible. His eyes...those looks He gives me...that was a large part of it. I could hear His voice in my head and I was lost to it.

Truthfully, I'm not sure He realizes just how much He effects me. Doesn't matter if He's trying or not. Who He is turns me on. Makes me want to be closer to Him.

I can't get enough of Him.

It's those small things that are innately "Him" that makes me so excited to see Him every time.

I do get to see Him on Sunday!! See Him smile. See the sparkle in His eyes that just draws me in every time.

Oh I've got it bad for Him...I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Power Exchange Relationships

Let me define those words for you, with the help of Merriam-Webster:

Powera (1) : ability to act or produce an effect (2) : ability to get extra-base hits (3) : capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect

a : possession of control, authority, or influence over others

3 a: physical might or efficacy

Exchange1: the act of giving or taking one thing in return for another

2 a: the act or process of substituting one thing for another
b: reciprocal giving and receiving

3 a: something offered, given, or received in an exchange

Relationship1: the state of being related or interrelated

2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship

3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings
b: a romantic or passionate attachment

If you look at just the words, it's easy to remove the mysticism of these kind of relationships. Too often, we forget the basis for it all. 

For one, this is a relationship first and foremost. A relationship should enrich your life and make you happy. It should be about the people involved. There is no right way to do this. It is as individual as every person.

Two, the parties involved in said relationship should be getting something out of this. A submissive should not be giving away power simply because the other person demands it. Nor should a Dominant accept power over their partner simply because the other offers it. If there is not a bigger picture and purpose for both people, in the sense of both to be giving and receiving, then there should not be a power exchange.

I stress the word should because I can't tell anyone what to do or not do. Simply that if you look at how the words are defined, a power exchange means there are certain things that should be happening.

Three, power is not an excuse to do whatever the fuck it is you want. The same goes for a lack of power. There is responsibility, goals, desires, wants, needs, etc that still exist beyond whatever power exists and is being exchanged within a relationship.

Four, the power and its exchange goes as far as those in the relationship allow and let it go. It DOES NOT extend beyond your relationship. So be mindful when making rules that you're not impressing your power exchange unwittingly on those around you. Because frankly I see it all the damn time and it's just not cool.

Five, a power exchange relationship can come in various forms. It can exist on any and all levels you wish it to. It doesn't have to look like anyone else's power exchange relationship...because it is as unique as the people involved. Power exchange does not mean that it's a total power exchange.

Frankly, that last one is complex and deserves its own post. They all really do, and I will likely be expanding on them at some point. These are the starting blocks to think about in the mean time.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Getting a little more personal

It occurs to me that except for the little side blurb y'all don't know much about me.

I was corrupted my freshman year of high school. By a guy I had known on and off for years, as far back as 6th grade. Maybe longer? Lol

We were only friends for a year, but it was one of the best friendships I've ever had. It was one of those connections beyond words.

"Bite me" took on a whole meaning with that friend. Mmmm, bruises. The first of many.

I didn't find BDSM until later on, but I was definitely damn perverted and kinky from that point forward.

I've had...hold on I'm counting...8 previous dominant partners. Not all were my Dom, to be clear. I have the bf now (who is dominant), but he's still current to my life. I've had 4 submissive partners. One of those overlapped. We started him-Dom, me-sub...then he realized he was submissive.

Basically, I am not new to this by any means. Though I'd not claim to have it figured out better than anyone else.

Most of my experience with BDSM and D/s has revolved around the emotional and mental aspects. Pain too. Likely why I'm such a masochist.

I attend quite a number of events on a regular basis. Munches, parties, etc. My life is kinky...just not too much in my personal life, right now.

The boyfriend lives a few hours away. We see each other when we can; do the best we can with it.

With Him, we are what we are. Which I'm damn well content with. It's just not D/s or BDSM inclined at this given moment. Well, it is and it isn't. It's inherent to who we both are and it does work so well together. It's just not something actively being given attention currently.

Part of me misses the spanking, domination and submission, pain, floggers, canes, crop...I miss more the feelings of control. The mental and emotional leashes...the security that comes along with that. I miss the closeness. The feeling that I have someone there who is not going anywhere. Who I can trust and depend on...

Not that I truly found that in the past. Which is why I'm no longer with said people. But I miss the pieces of it I did get...I miss the process of trying to achieve that with another person.

But it's also not going anywhere. I'm not about to leave it all behind.

I'm just taking a breather. Letting me find my place as a person again before jumping back into the D/s.

So I have lots of stories I can tell y'all about. Lots of thoughts on submission, domination, switching, etc. I have infinite ideas on the nature of power exchange, and the levels it can exist in.

I'm sure I'll talk more about religion, especially Christianity. It's fitting with where I am now. It does tie in so well with BDSM after all.

I think the next post will be something on power exchange. That sounds intriguing right now.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Why I love coffee

Not sure what I'd do without coffee. Probably function terribly.

Not much kinky is really happening, on any level. I can't see it happening any time soon to be honest. It kind of makes me miss one of my ex's...for half of a second. Ha!

Nah, just a lot going on with me. Within and without.

I think a cuddle will go a lot farther than a spanking at this point. Though I wouldn't say no to both...

He and I are both trying to work on ourselves for the time being. Help each other when and where we can. We need the friendship more than we want the rest.

Today was/is one of those days where I should not be alone. Thankfully there's an event tonight. That's about as kinky as my life is going to get. I do get to see Him, as well as some other friends.

So there is an upside to actually leaving my house from time to time.

I'm drinking coffee now. I think cup's hard to count as I drink half a cup and then refill. I'm weird like that.

It's my sanity, at least for today. Because I'm all over the place and coffee is my center. Plus, I'm going back to reading the book He gave/lent me. Probably going to need the coffee to give my brain a way to make sense of it...and all the thoughts the coincide with what I'm reading.

I promise to write something kinky for y'all soon. I have plenty of thoughts on the subject after all. Just because I'm not active in kink doesn't mean I can't share my thoughts about it. So look out for post along those lines in the near future.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


We're always talking religion. Last night was no exception. I have a book to read that He gave me. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel."

We managed to get the day together, as well as some time for just us. It was nice, so nice!

Oh don't look at me like that!!!

I told ya, we only had plans to snuggle and cuddle. Which we did. A lot.

I had my head in His lap at one point. He was playing with my hair, which was just uncooperative. Poor thing. I have to put a lot of crap in it to tame the beast that is my hair. Mousse likes to tangle my hair a bit. Okay, a lot. At least it wasn't it's usual poofy mess.

To be fair to my hair, He had ruffled it quite a bit. It had been put up, hastily taken down to snuggle earlier that day. We had a little time to cuddle while we watched a movie. Hair being up is not conducive to snuggling. There was wind, and a day's worth of fuss to it, so it was understandably non-cooperative...

But the playing with hair, His hand stroking my face...that was really nice. I was about to fall asleep on Him, though mainly the couch. I knew I couldn't stay but I wanted to. Just to stay right there in that moment.

Safe, protected, happy.

We talked about "us", as our conversation inevitably leads to there. How even in my dreams the man confuses me. I swear the night before last, I had a dream where He told me that "this" wouldn't work. Then maybe 10 minutes later in dream time said something along the lines of: I still care for you. This could work down the was an assumed I want you to wait. I can't remember if He actually asked me to wait in the dream or not though.

Seriously, even my own head is fucking with me if He wasn't enough.

While we were talking, He said that it'd be a terrible idea if He took me upstairs and did all the things He wanted to do to me.

Apparently fucking my brains out was on that list.

It is a terrible idea. Absolutely. But I was horny and for a brief moment I almost said, "what are we waiting for?"

At the same time, I was contently curled up with Him. We were having an excellent conversation. I didn't really want to move from that spot, not even for sex.

I enjoy looking up at Him. He's quite taller than me normally, but with my head on His lap...very different perspective. Mmmmm, I like!!!

I told Him I would wait. Hell, I am waiting. My mind is set. There are plenty of other people interested. I want Him, only Him...very different for someone who is typically very fluid in relationships. Very poly normally.

Doesn't matter. I want Him. It's the love I have for Him that gives me feelings I had long buried. Gives me hope and safety. Gives me strength.

He's the one who reaches out a hand, when my world is falling apart around me. He has been so good to and for me. He's an excellent friend, one of the best I've ever had.

How could I not wait for a man like that?

I think most wait with the assumption of "some day"'s something we've talked about. But there is no assuming here.

So I will wait in action, and for a time when "this" has a chance to be "us".

What this could be is worth waiting to do it right. He's worth waiting for, always has been.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Love Our Lurkers 7

Heard two songs, back to back, in the car earlier. Both kind of resonated with me.

It was Ne-Yo's "Let Me Love You" and Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Getting Back Together".

But not a fan of the dance version of Ne-Yo's song, so here's this pretty version instead:

And I found this much more awesome version of Taylor Swift's it's cute boys singing in harmony.

I was also made aware via a number of blogs that it's "Love Our Lurkers Day"!!

I really don't have much to offer y'all. But it'd be nice for those lurking to say hello. I do so love comments!!

Plus, it'd be nice to put names to all those page views. :-D

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Closed For Lunch, Back at 1

Taking a vacation from blogging for a few days. I'll update y'all after the craziness of the next week is over!

See y'all soon :)

Also, Congrats to Maryland, Washington, and Maine for voting for marriage equality!!! WOO!!!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Catholicism and He's Taking Me to Church

He's taking me to His church sometime in the near future...and I asked Him to do it.

I have this feeling of "what am I getting myself into??"

I'm used to Mass, where there's a missalette that has the whole year's schedule in it. I can go to any Catholic Church and it'll be the same in every Church, every week. The Mass itself is laid out the same.

The wiki page for it is pretty damn accurate: Mass (liturgy).

On the right, the wiki lists the structure for the Mass. It's said much better than anything I could have come up with.

There is a conservative in me. It relates back to Catholicism. There is a proper way to behave in a Church. Even more so, the altar is sacred. There are people who should be on the altar and that's it.

Oh god, one year they (whoever they were that made this decision)...they decided it would be a good idea to have three 10-12 year old girls....dancing. On Easter. On the altar.

That happened once. Never again.

I was surprised the older members of the congregation didn't have heart attacks seeing that.

When you enter the Church, you bless yourself with holy water and make the sign of the cross. When you walk across the Church, you make the sign of the cross. Why? Because you're passing Jesus. You show respect. Before entering a pew, you genuflect and make the sign of the cross. You kneel and pray. Then you may sit.

I have not been a practicing Catholic in 9 years. I have been in Churches since. I have even attended Mass since. I follow everything I just wrote above, and more, out of respect for the building I'm in and those who worship there.

This is why I'm a little hesitant and apprehensive about going to His church. I have no idea what to expect. I looked over the website for that church. Looked into their schedule for past services. Lots of singing, which is good. But I can tell it's pretty non-standard. In the course of 9 weeks, I saw one communion service. ONE.

Wait, what?? How?

You can totally get communion once a day with the Catholic Church...because there's daily Mass...except on weekends. Because Saturday evening Mass is a substitution for Sunday. Only once on weekends.

It's also...are there proper responses for His church? If so, what are they? When do you say them?Are there signs of respect that I should be aware of? I may not be practicing, but I'll be in a holy dwelling and I will show it the proper respect it deserves. I would be this way with any religious place of worship.

Church is not something one just attends with no forethought. At least, I wouldn't. Blame Catholicism. He's going to tell me I worry too much. He'll likely say, "No one is going to notice. It's your first time there. You're a visiting guest. You can participate to the levels that you're comfortable with." But I need to know what they are in order to participate!!

To quote an earlier conversation with the boyfriend...he said this would be my reaction when asking Him about all of this: "TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELIGION!!" while shaking Him by the collar. ROFL!

When I was Catholic, I was really Catholic. So much so that 9 years later there's still a conservative, structured Catholic in me.

Not conservative as in views; I'm a moderate liberal. Conservative as in what Mass or service should look like.

It's a weird thing, but Catholics don't quite see themselves as Christians...not like non-Catholics do. Yes, Catholics believe in Christ and that makes them Christians in that sense. But they're not really Christians, they're Catholics. And the distinction says it all. There is very much a separation there.

I guess because I was raised Catholic, I have this mindset that Christians are missing a few things. They're not quite getting it. Too Christ-focused maybe. Missing the whole Christ is but one aspect/facet of God. Plus, they don't recognize saints or the blessed virgin Mary as being as important as she is.

Which is both strange and funny that I still think this way. Since I actually don't agree with Catholicism. I find it very contradicting to my personal beliefs...being mainly spiritual because frankly I don't think anyone is right or even comes close to the mark of what's actually going on. But when it comes to believing in Christ, I guess I feel like Catholicism is a person's best bet.

I'll end this with a song I sang when I was in choir. It's the Gloria sang at the start of the Easter Season, and used until Ordinary Time begins. It still gives me chills to listen to it and of course I sing along.

Also, I have no idea if non-Catholics have a calendar separating the year into "seasons"...which is really sad if they don't. It's approaching Advent, one of the best seasons of the year. It's Christmas music for like 4 or 5 weeks straight. All Christmas, all the time. I am so sad for everyone if y'all don't have that. Because religious Christmas songs are some of the best. Especially played on organs and with bells, it's just fantastic. You want God in your music? Look towards that. Every time.

Okay, okay...I'll stop rambling and you enjoy this absolutely fantastic version of Gloria:

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Reminds me of Him

The following songs make me think of Him. With some, they are an expression of how I see Him. Some express how I feel for Him. Some of them have a more abstract connection. Maybe overall it'll shed some light onto both of us...

"Let Me Fall" by Josh Groban

"Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung

"Without You" cover by Boyce Avenue

"Arms" by Christina Perri

"Stay" by Sara Bareilles

"Far From Home" by Five Finger Death Punch

"This I Promise You" by NSYNC

"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

"I Think God Can Explain" by Splender

"Ready To Love Again" by Lady Antebellum

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Seeing the whole picture

He and I need to talk. Seriously.

I thought I misread Him badly. He's missing a ton of stuff. Which either I haven't said or He just outright missed it.

He also sends out mixed signals, something He is fortunately aware of. Now He needs to bloody well find a solution.

Though, hmmm...upon further evaluation that actually might make sense. And with revelations that I don't believe He's aware of, a more middle ground might be found.

If nothing else, it should lead to a better comprehension on both our parts.

Please indulge my use of variables...

I believe He sees me as a culmination of parts which we will refer to as "x." This variable "x" takes into account quite a few aspects, mainly more recent occurrences in my life and who I am.

The variable of "z" will represent the "me" that I am presenting at a given time.

Now in actuality, I am more like an equation.

For example:

3x + 4y = z

Now the coefficients represent the intensity levels of such personality and experiential traits, reflecting a specific situation. As such an equation suggests that He is missing all of "y" and therefore can not reach the conclusion of "z." Hence why we often have so much that becomes lost in translation.

One way to naturally gather more clues to this equation that is me is to view more equations that represent different variations, depending on said circumstances. Such as:

5x + y = 3z

The variables remain the same, but the quantities of such variables differ and in turn affects the solution.
The equation can become more complex in that sometimes the solution can in turn affect the variables within:

x + 6y = z + 3

Or it can go so far as:

2x + y + 5g - 2h = 2z + t/h -3

And that is still a gross over simplification of who I am and what part of me I'm presenting at any given time. In the equation above, we get a much clearer understanding of how the right side of the equation can affect the left hand side. The left being internal, the right being external. There are more outside influences affecting the overall view.

Assuming He's only aware of "x" it's easy to see how the wrong conclusions are being made about each other.

This is why He and I need to talk. Fill in a few more of those variables, so He can see the bigger picture with more clarity.

I also apologize for using Maths for the examples. It was useful for how I wanted to explain how all the pieces relate to one another. If you didn't follow any of the above, I apologize. Don't think about it too hard.

I'm simply trying to suggest that people are far more complex beings than we give ourselves credit for. Given the complexities and depths of TTWD, viewing and understanding all such variables that can affect a person at any given time allow for greater comprehension. It also allows the outside person to react appropriately.

So yes, we'll talk. Probably I'll do a lot of the talking. Give Him clarity to what He's seeing behind the walls, and maybe open a few doors He hasn't yet ventured into.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Where My Heart Is

I'm working on two other posts at the moment. An erotica piece and ironically one about finding a place for vanilla in my life. The latter being more difficult as I have no idea what I want in that regard. I only know something is missing.

I have this tendency to attract couples, for whatever reason. Maybe because I fit that elusive "unicorn" model. There are two couples who have made their interests known on one level or another. I'm very good friends with both. One I've known for over a year now.

It would surprise me if my life ended up with them, and yet in the same breath, it wouldn't. There's security there that I've not seen elsewhere. I would slide so easily into their dynamic. But my heart's just not in it.

The other couple, they're pretty new. Around the time He came into my life, so did they. There's interest, but I'm not yet sure of the level. I'm a very touchy person to be around and it's not unusual to find me in either of their arms at some point in an evening. Lately, I've just noticed something under the surface to their tone and words.

Though as we've seen with Him, I am terrible at reading people. So I could be totally wrong about the second couple. They've also seen my interest in Him. I've only acknowledged it, not discussed the details. I'm sure it's only a matter of time with how easily I open up to them.

The truth is? My heart's not really there either.

"Between the lines"  Sara Bareilles

The rest doesn't really need to be said, does it?

Love has a will of its own.

Love is putting a smile on your face when all you want to do is go to pieces.

Love is keeping your silence when you want to scream from the rooftops.

Love is right, even when it's wrong.