Monday, September 29, 2014


This isn't the first time I've said, "No one else could ever compare" and "How could I move on?" yet I tend to fall easily into a new relationship shortly after one has ended. Even if I don't, by now I should be interested in someone else. Maybe it's good for me, this space of just being myself--not part of a couple.

Yes, yes. I am still dating Chris and Lisa. But it's different as I'm not a primary partner for Lisa. Chris and I don't work as primary partners. I don't get to see him all the time. So I'm not "single" but I feel single. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Is he my kryptonite, as Kitty suggests? I don't have an answer to that.

In my mind, I still interchange Steve/Sir. I have a harder time not doing it here. Because if anyone in my life has ever earned that, it's him.

Funnily enough, I'm helping a friend with her relationship issues. She's not getting her needs met, by any stretch of the imagination. I've been telling her how she deserves to be happy and not settle. She has too much of her life ahead of her to settle.

Am I trying to settle for him? Because the good is so good, am I overlooking the conflicts?

Maybe. I don't know.

I do know that I can't imagine sharing as much with anyone else. He warned me that he would be a consuming influence on my life. That's the understatement of a lifetime. He's the fire that burned through masks, walls, lists of personal choices. All of it. The hidden me followed him through the dark abyss to the light. Being myself around him has mattered more than any pain or panic attack. I have an uncharacteristic honest streak when it come to him.

Maybe I'm the moth that burnt up by getting too close to the light. Or maybe the light is a source of joy and happiness.

I guess only time will tell.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Only Human

I write one post and realize how much I missed writing.

And him. And when we were "us". And how much I'm still madly in love with him.

My friend who came to visit last month is a friend of Chris and mine. But when I talked about Steve...something changed.

It always does. I light up. I look head over heels in love. She's not the only one who has noticed. People have been asking about us since shortly after we met. Apparently I don't even have to mention him by name, just refer to him, for people to wonder.


                                                                  Christina Perri-Human

The funny thing is there's a stillness to it all. The love I feel for Steve isn't contingent on him loving me back, or us ever being together. That's so scary. I have no interest in anyone else. How could I be? It wouldn't be fair either if I tried.

Dating? They're not him. Not by a long shot either. I've been reminded of why he's so unique and amazing these past couple of months. He's still the one who makes me smile every day. The one in my dreams at night, literally. Like I wasn't tormented enough in my waking hours, no I have to dream about the man as well.

It is a torment. Even in the stillness. I can't imagine loving anyone like how I love him. I'm okay if we're never more than friends because he's stuck with me and I with him. But that doesn't mean there aren't knives in my heart.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Peeking In

I am alive, and fairly well. Life has been busy and chaotic lately, which won't slow down until some time in November. At least as of this point. It may not slow down again until the new year. Given that it's September, I'm exhausted thinking about it.

Friends of mine in the home state are getting married in November. I'm part of the bridal party so I have to be there, doing all sorts of other things besides the wedding itself. Between July and November, I'll have been there 5 times. Given that it's 3 hours away...ugh. But it's worth it. That's what I have to keep telling myself. At least my friend picked out a pretty dress and color for us bridesmaids to wear, lol!

Steve has been just as busy. He's involved with a musical production, so I don't expect to see him again until mid-October. Also why I've been away from here. This reminds me of him, and with how busy we've both been, it was too painful to write.

I tried getting into the dating scene. Let's just call that the disaster it is and move on, lol. I made a friend out of it. He's fun, though he reminds me of an ex. Not in a bad way, just in a "I learned my lesson and that doesn't work" way. Look at me actually learning lessons. Ha!

I've been way more social again though. Reconnecting with friends. Going out and doing things with people. Not being a hermit. I miss being a hermit. I had all the time to do things. My gardens are completely neglected. I'm sure my neighbors are cringing as much as I am.

Therapy is going well. I'm working through things as much as possible. The depression is still nowhere in sight, thankfully. There was a really bad panic...episode? I don't want to call it an attack as I was still somewhat coherent. This was last month when I had a friend visit. We were painting part of my dining room and Steve stopped by because I wanted them to meet. They accidentally found a deep rooted trigger in that I don't like being talked about. I don't know what specifically they did to trigger it, but I'm well aware of what it pulled up.

I have some recent thoughts about triggers and memories. Why they happen in specific situations. It's not like I'm triggering all the time. It has to do with mental cohesion; more to the point trying to put it all back together again. I think...

So yeah, this is what I've been up to. Nothing terribly exciting. Just life and living and being busy with those.