Sunday, June 29, 2014

Inevitable...Expanded Edition

It occurred to me that to those who aren't in my mind (everyone who isn't me, lol...and occasionally him), my last post might not make sense in the context of everything I've written about previously. Polyamory and a monogamous relationship do seem like two conflicting ideas.

Truth is that they aren't. If you break the word polyamory apart, in its greek and latin mix, it literally means "many" and "love". The word is applied to those in multiple committed relationships but it's not an exclusive use of the word.

Being polyamorous is like having green eyes, which I do in fact have. Yes, it's a part of me, but neither of those things define me. I can't stand being a brunette so I dye my hair red. I'm still a brunette, but I have the choice not to be.

I will always love multiple people. There is no getting around that. I still feel an ache over the loss of my first boyfriend; that was 14 years ago. I remember my first crush. His name was Matt and we were in 2nd grade. He was a "bad boy" which set the stage for liking guys who were...different. Every person that I have romantically liked or dated or loved, a part of that will always be alive.

I am very much in love with Chris and Lisa. I have loved Chris for years and I doubt that will ever change. Chances are I will fall in love with someone else, or more than one person, over the next several decades.

What will I do about all of that? Well, that is my choice. Whether I put "polyamorous" or "monogamous" in front of the word relationship is a choice I can make. I can't change who I fall in love with. That is a mysterious and wonderful concept that I don't even know how to begin to rationalize. Whether I act on feelings I have is up to me.

I've written before, somewhere, that I want to be accepted as polyamorous. What I mean by that is: I have this tendency to fall in love with people, whether I intended to or not. That doesn't change who I'm committed to and what my relationship structure is at that time.

Because really, do people think that I don't get flirted with and asked out and hit on all the time? I meet people regularly who catch my interest. But I've chosen not to do anything with or about those people. Sometimes it hurts because I want to have all the people that I desire. At the same time, I have to be realistic.

And it's in being realistic that a thought had been lingering under the surface for some time that I struggled with immensely. I never wanted to choose a monogamous relationship. I never wanted to put that much of myself into one relationship. Not the levels of trust, or being half of a whole. As stubborn as I am, I couldn't ignore what he did to me...what he still does.

It's like being in a room full of candles only for the roof to be taken off and the sun shine in. Oh those candles still exist. They don't diminish simply because the sun is there. In comparison though, they fade to the background.

That's what he does. What he's always done. But I kept sticking my head in the sand hoping it wouldn't always be that way. Except instead of the brightest fading, it got stronger. Until just being around other flames made me yearn for the brightest. That's why it was inevitable. Not because I don't love other people, I do, but it's not fair to them when my heart always wants him more.

That's the key factor in being polyamorous and choosing monogamy. I've said to him that "I would try monogamy." Why just try? Pride, vulnerability, fear. Take your pick. Maybe because I know there would be days when it would be hard. When the short term would seem more appealing than the long term. The fear that he would feel betrayed and wouldn't want to see it through. Any number of silly thoughts my mind can come up with.

The real secret is him. It's not a word choice that matters at the end of the day. It's about him. Shhhh, we can't let him know that he's super special like that. :-P

He may not exactly be thrilled that I'm writing about all of this right now. Oh well, lol. I don't want it to change anything, at least not for the next few months. I can call it being more open and expressive. Yeaaaah. Cuz we talked about that issue. So I'm claiming that this falls under that category.

*smiles innocently*

Thursday, June 26, 2014


Where to even begin? The last few weeks have felt like months. I've been up and down and all over the place. The depression came back something awful, and through a series of very odd events, is no longer even around. I still have no idea what to make of any of that...

I just almost called him "sir"...that's mildly annoying. The whole thing. *sigh*  I have no idea what to call him on here anymore.

So, my therapist thought it might be a good idea if we went in to talk things over. Bring my therapist up to speed, from both perspectives. Help us sort things out.

In the beginning of this blog, there was this post followed by this other post. In the latter, I wrote that our communication problems would likely be the story of this blog. Turns out I was right. It's not often I get to say that.

We are still talking past each other. Not communicating as we should be. Him not telling me about things that were bothering him. And I guess I never made it clear how much he meant to me...

Before ending things a few weeks ago, he had this idea that we were friends with a small romantic/physical interest on the side. Like 90% friendship, 10% romance. It's why he thought I would take the ending of the romantic/physical side of things decently well. He didn't expect it to shatter the ground beneath me.

Maybe I don't say it enough. Maybe because I felt like he never wanted to hear it.

But he was my everything. I would have given everything up for a chance at a long term, intimate, throw all caution to the wind relationship. He was the center of my romantic life. I had been considering monogamy for him.

The very idea of that scares me. I grew up like most girls wanting prince charming, albeit a more devious version. But my interests were always varied and fleeting. I gave up trying to find "the one" by not depending on one person to be everything I'd always been looking for. I didn't believe I would ever find someone who would make everything and everyone else dull in comparison.

Yep. I knew not long after I started this blog. It's all there in my second post. That fear? I can still taste it. I finally found the one person who stole my breath and made the world disappear. And I fought it every single step of the way. Because if it didn't work, if I fell for him, oh god it would kill me. It'd be taking all the color out of the world. It's not hard to see why the depression took hold of me so quickly.

He told me that I'd move on. There are plenty of people out there, better people than him. Nope. It doesn't matter. They aren't him. He is the only one who being away from is physically painful. When I'm with other people, all I can think of is him. Having a scene with someone else? It's not him. And as the months went by, the less I was interested in even playing with others.

I was stupid. I didn't let him know. I punished him by continuing to play with other people because I couldn't have everything I wanted from him. Because I was so damn afraid of finding one person who made the world right, who saw past everything to the woman I am at my core.

I didn't lose a lover. I lost a part of me. And I was so stubborn that I couldn't let him know, couldn't let him see just how much he meant to me. How much he will always mean. Let's face it. Chances of finding someone like that ever again is pretty slim. After having someone that amazing in my life, no one could ever compare.

Maybe he's right. That I need time to be me for a while. No relationships. No emotional obligations. Just me. I've never really gone without being in a relationship, not for long anyway. Someone new always showed up and I dove into it to ease a broken heart.

This isn't broken. This is missing. My heart stopped being mine a while ago. It may be too late, but that's the truth of it. I can't give my heart to someone else when it belongs to him. Monogamy isn't a choice when it comes to that man. It's the inevitable.

Those are the words I've been avoiding for over a year now. I guess it's time to make them known.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

For now...

I'm not really back, but I figured I owed y'all more details.

He broke up with me. I can sugarcoat it all I like, but that's the truth of the matter.

It wasn't done maliciously or because he doesn't love me. He wasn't being true to himself. If I had known, I would have put a stop to it. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, even if it meant giving him up.

To be fair that's not where we stand on the matter. There's a whole lot of neither of us wanting to lose the other. But we're not okay individually. It was never his right to make decisions for me...trying to say I needed this. Back up about five feet from that thought. I can accept that I am a mess, but ultimately I decide whether or not a relationship is harmful to me in the long run. Ugh, men.

It wouldn't have been bad for me. I think anyone who reads this damn thing knows it was incredibly good for me. That he is incredibly good for me. But I can accept that it wasn't good for him, at least not right now.

So, where do we stand with each other? Friends. He has been and will continue to be one of my best friends. The argument could be made that he is my best friend. He's still here.

I'm not going to lie. The last week has been ungodly difficult. Not just with this, but grief has this unfortunate habit of calling upon on past pains in my mind. He's been very worried about me, and has done everything he can to help. This is why he is awesome.

Oh don't get me wrong. He acted like a total idiot by not telling me that due to certain outside factors being in a relationship with me was causing an inner meltdown. And then even after he recognized it, he still tried to make it work. Whatever points he gets for that, he loses in the category of things to never, ever do.

He is a good man who made a very silly decision to put my wants ahead of his inner needs. He's arguing the point of being a good man but he doesn't get to decide how I view him. Ha.

We're taking one day at a time. It's all we can do for now.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Leave of Absence

I should be talking about a wonderful, amazing scene that we had yesterday evening. But I can't. It'll make me sad and frustrated.

And it was a great scene. Probably our best so far. Maybe one day I can write about it.

I'm not angry. We're going to talk about it some more tomorrow. I hope it'll make more sense then.

I'm not thrilled with any of this, but I understand why, in part, the decision was made. Granted, I have a few choice words of my own that will be said. If he ever wants us to be an "us" in the future, there are a few things he needs to know first.

I am stronger and more resilient than anyone has given me credit for. I will be the mountain that does not move. The tree that bends but does not break.

And I will wait. Let them all see what happens now that I am free. Truly, the surface has only been scratched and there is so much more to see than anyone ever thought possible.

I don't know when I'll be posting again. Being here right now isn't good for me. But I will be back.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I Am Free

I'm not sure where to begin, and maybe most of it doesn't need to be said.

Three days ago, I noticed colors again. Bright and vivid. When did the sky get so blue? I swear it was never that blue except for a day in Arizona ten years ago. The grass too? I pass those fields several times a week.

My world was working on a dimmer switch and someone cranked it up to full capacity...

I woke up this morning with my spine curving more properly than it has in the last three years.

What's tomorrow going to look like?

So the question that you're all asking is, "What changed?"

Remember the Ex? Yep, gone. It took far more drastic steps than I would have ever thought necessary but I am free of him. Three weeks ago, I started taking the steps to break free of the chains he placed around me. And in the end, I won.

No one knew the extent of what that man did to me and what he put me through. In many ways, no one ever will. But I survived. I dislike the term "victim." No, I'm a survivor.

As for the present? I can live. For the first time, I can live freely.

The only chains I will ever wear again are the ones for fun and pleasure. :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Eye of the Storm

My world feels like it's being torn apart by a storm and scattered to the four corners.

And yet...there's a feeling of pause, anxiously waiting for what comes next. The eye of the storm that lulls the false sense of security, but I know better.

The storm will rage on.

I'm in the position of standing on my own two feet, no crutch in sight. Oh, they'll pick me up if I fall, but I will have to fall first.

I remember being 13, so excited for the first step into adulthood. I thought about growing up as all kids do. The excitement to be who I wanted to be, do what I wanted to do, become the person I could never be then.

This is the first step I've had to do all that. That 13 year old girl believed I'd have it all figured out by now. Yet I don't.

I know how to survive. I only know how to live in briefly stolen moments, knowing I may have to pay a price for my independence. The freedom to live by my own choices that will make me happy is a dream with new fire in it. There's the fear it'll be put out. Or succeed. The excitement of having the first taste of what being free means.

Today the storm will hit. Only the Fates know what will happen next.