Friday, February 24, 2017

In Dreams and Life

I've been busy with the usual every day life. Doctors. Trying to mentally process everything on my own. I really don't know when I'll be able to see my therapist again.

Lisa is moving. Less than two hours away, but I'll see her even less now. There's no exact date yet but it's coming soon. I knew they'd end up moving eventually so I'm prepared for this. It's still breaking my soul.

I hadn't dreamt of him in so long. In the last week or so, he's been the center focus of three. I will often have more than one dream per night, but it is affecting my sleep. I know something is wrong in the dream and it takes me so long to figure out what.

I guess I'm hoping that putting it to paper will make them go away.

Most days I don't even think about him anymore. When I do, I'm always angry. Maybe it turns to sadness for a little bit but always back to anger. Until I forget him again.

Time heals all wounds, they say. But mine have never healed. Maybe next lifetime will be enough. And if the gods are kind, I'll never meet him in another life ever again. I knew him when we met because we had met before, over and over. I'm tired of the routine. I'll never search again. I won't care at the loneliness nor the pull at my soul that there were people out there I knew but had yet to meet.

I'll keep running, next life. And however more to come, until the gods take the hint.

As I said to him, what feels like forever ago, no amount of good will ever take the pain away. No amount of happiness is worth it.