Friday, September 30, 2016


I am so glad I made a fuss with the nurses at my psychiatrist's office and got an appointment yesterday. Apparently the one in November was cancelled as well because of Veterans day...really? No one looked before setting up my appointment? Ugh

But in some good news, as of December, I'll actually be seeing him every 6 weeks. At least for three visits. That's what we booked. My psychiatrist made sure that I could get in that often.

With trying new meds and them not working, having bad side effects, I should be seeing him that often. Given that he's not taking any new patients, seeing him should be easier going forward.

It'll make my therapist happy and likely more at ease. I know it's been a concern of his in the past.

I have a new med to try. Funnily enough, it's the one my therapist recommended and I didn't even mention it. It has the least side effects of all the ssris. So here's hoping. I stuck it out with cymbalta for a year, even though the last 5 of those months sucked. I know I can get on a med without the side effects trying to kill me, lol.

I know I really didn't want to go on another med, but since I have the psychiatrist, and in in therapy, this is the right time to try out meds to see if they help or not. I have to give more than 4 meds an honest try given how many meds are out there for mental health and how picky my body is about meds.

If they aren't for me, at least I can say I tried the best I could.

Saturday, September 24, 2016


 I know I've been opening up more here about things. Broken and friendship left behind. But I haven't talked to my therapist as much about it. Not much since I lost most of my friends and not much about walking away from Steve, other than that I did.

My therapist mentioned last session that he knows I'm more upset than I'm letting on. Of course I am, but talking with him makes it...more real. Final. I'm not ready for that yet. Talking about it here is helping me get to that point.

Someone I loved for two years, who then nearly destroyed me, and then we tried to piece together back a friendship...there's a lot there. Looking at that, I have no idea why we even attempted to stay friends. Why we tried so hard. Why I tried so hard. I guess it's because I was still blinded by love. I wish I could say I don't love him anymore, but I do. I'm just no longer blinded by it.

Every day away, I have a clearer mind about things. Most of the time. September. I hate this month. I already have shit going on in my head I have to battle with and now I have this on top of it.

So I've been distracting myself with cleaning and cooking. Wearing myself out, even though I'm barely sleeping. Fricking abilify. And I found out that I'll be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from that up until October 20th. All it takes is two weeks in a person's system and it has its claws in.

I see my psychiatrist on the 29th so next week. I'm going to tell him no more new meds, especially since I'm in withdrawal for the next month. I'm putting my foot down. No more.

I'm adjusting to everything. Life, other meds, situations, getting through each day. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to try another medication.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Back Out of the Rabbit Hole

I deleted my last post because it was a moment of weakness spurred by an emotional time of year combined with dreams that pulled on old parts of my life. But that's no longer the point. It doesn't matter if I miss Chris or Steve.

Why? I've said it before and it bares repeating. I deserve better.

I deserve people to whom I matter regularly, not just when it's convenient. I deserve people who don't have anger issues. I deserve good people who make my life better, not cause more problems. Not bring me to such a deep fucking depression that I nearly ended up killing myself.

Which is what started this whole terrible path of medication. Another med to cross off the list. Abilify sucked ass. So I'm off that. I think I'm done with meds. I'm done with people. I have a select few who matter. I am comfortable with myself for the first time in a long time and that matters more than any amount of people.

I'm tired of taking care of other people. Putting them first. All in the name of "friendship." I'm taking care of me and that's what really matters.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Truth of the Matter is...

The truth is...

I know he's hurting too. When we were drifting apart as friends, he missed me terribly. I can only imagine what this is doing to him. I honestly don't want that.

And maybe he's still reading here, wanting some way to know what's going on.

Or maybe I hope he is. I don't know. Maybe just for this.

I do know it wasn't a coincidence about his gf unblocking me on fb when I made mention of it here. So he was reading at some point. But I wouldn't blame him if he never came back after the last post.

The truth is...

I've been noticing patterns of behavior and looking back I can see them more clearly now.

I mentioned stumbling upon something and talking to my therapist about it. We've all been talking about it. It's there, spoken and unspoken. As I tell him things, even I'm seeing the clues.

And how furious I was about not getting to see my psychiatrist. They did put me on their wait list and I see him on the 24th.

The truth is...

We've been talking about borderline personality disorder.

How it overlaps with ptsd, depression, anxiety, trauma.

Borderline isn't treated effectively with medications and meds can actually make it worse. Yeah, I read that and had to walk away from my computer for a while.

The hot and cold in relationships. Obsession quickly turning to disdain.

I can make a strong case for all of it.

I've never really had a good explanation and answer for everything. Not even depression and ptsd. I don't know if this is the answer, but if it is, like the ptsd this is because of past trauma and abuse. Well that just sucks doesn't it. And there's no cure, just help. How I hate that word. Help.

So that's the truth. If you don't know what borderline personality disorder is I ask that you look it up. The professional sites explain it better than I ever could.

I get to being this up to my psychiatrist and see what he has to say. My therapist and I will keep doing what we've been doing, knowing it's there. And maybe one day I'll be able to say for certain if I was correct. Maybe it'll always be uncertain because of the complex ptsd. But it opened doors and lines of communication. If nothing else, there's that.

And the truth is I do miss Steve. I miss my friend. But with some things there is no going back. This entire blog is proof of that. We have been a walking up and down disaster from the very beginning. I've been hurt too many times and some wounds are simply unforgivable. I wish they were. I tried for months; I really did.

But I'm really bad at getting hurt. Especially repeatedly by the same person. Everything hurts deeper and stronger for me. It's more difficult to let go. And I think I'd be making a mistake to ever let him back into my life. As much as I love him, as much as I miss him, I've learned by now that he will be a source of pain for me and I can't live with that.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Fuck this shit

I wish I could say it's been easy. Walking away from someone I thought was one of my best friends. Cutting off all ties. We used to have arguments about friendships having expiration dates. That once people see enough of me, the friendship either ends or fizzles.

It's why I no longer have a real social life these days. No parties or dinners or social gatherings to talk about. I've written about how they chose an abusive person over me. But they saw just how bad my "bad" really is and after that nothing was ever the same. It never is.

The more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that he subconsciously was destroying what was left of our friendship. In his mind, he didn't understand why I was still around. That he didn't deserve my forgiveness or friendship. Fucking selfish.

Or maybe, just maybe, I was right. And the expiration date came up but we'd been avoiding it. Trying to hold onto frayed threads until those came apart and I realized there was nothing there for me. Only pain and heartache.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. Having to reconcile the terrible parts with the man I once loved. And probably still do. Probably always will.

There are times when I get so angry still that I can't think straight. And the silence is deafening. I want to scream at him with all my rage and fury, but I have no words. Then the sadness creeps in. He may tell himself all the lies he wants in order to make his conscious clear, but I was never a priority as a relationship or a friend. I didn't fit into his world and he never made a place for me in it. So much for being his best friend...

I find myself wishing I had never met him. Because I deserved better. I put in more effort constantly and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of being put on the back burner to other people and things, or outright not mattering.

I've been here before. Done this. Except he walked out on me and our friendship after the relationship ended. Nearly two years later. Back then, I remember thinking that I'd rather be alone and have no one than ever go through that again.

So fuck Steve. Fuck his false promises. Fuck his friendship. Fuck that he can still make me cry. Just fuck him and his pretend sensitivity.

I know I don't mean shit to him. What I want doesn't matter. How I feel is meaningless. So he can go right to his fucking hell he believes in so much.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Reminder of the Past

Written and Originally Published 10/23/12

I wish I had heeded my own warning,
the prediction that was too true.
Except I was never rebuilt
after he tore it all down.
Every wall, every last piece of my sanity.

"Destroyed and Rebuilt"

Tears are pouring down where I wish words to flow
Washing my hands of this ill-begotten battle
It's time to hang up the white flag, surrender

Cut my heart out and serve it on a platter
Where you can shape and remold it
Into the vessel that best serves your plans

Leave out the love and the nurturing
Lessons learned in pain stick better to my soul
What's another scar on a body lined with them

Play the games you've mastered so well
Always two steps behind, won't see your moves
As you shatter what's left of me

Remember to put me back together again
Give back the life you ripped from me
To rise like the phoenix from the ashes

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Stuff and Junk LOL

Things are going well. As much as well can be with occasional flashbacks which aren't behaving in the way I'm used to them acting, and medication side effects. Why are lightheaded, dizziness, and tiredness always the side effects? Always always always. ALWAYS. Except Abilify. No that just makes me constantly hungry. Don't mistake me. It doesn't make me want to eat all the food. It's not a craving. I'm starving after I take it. All day. I wake up starving.

But like I said, things are actually going well. Lisa and I are doing better with our friendship. She just had major surgery. She has endometriosis and it was BAD. She went from stage 1 to stage 2 to leaving surgery as a stage 3. Do not google pictures unless you have a strong stomach. But I went over last week to help take care of her and give her husband a break. She still managed to get a massive hematoma. The bruise is nasty. But even with all of that, she feels so much better which is great. Nothing pressing up against her insides anymore would do the trick. I made us lunch while I was over. She was the happiest a person could be LOL

I know I don't talk about Frank much, my boyfriend. My therapist says the same thing. He got a promotion about a month ago, maybe a little longer. Sense of time is screwy. He used to work in the town where we live, which was great. Thankfully he's only working about 30 minutes away now so it's not a bad commute but it does make the days that much longer. Since he's management in retail, the hours are screwy too, and while they're at least consistent days and hours, anyone who has ever worked retail knows that ya live by a whole different schedule than the rest of the world. His weekends are mostly Sunday and Monday. We've had a Monday and Thursday though. I know this wekk and the next are going to be weird because Friday hours are different and he's working the Sunday following it.

And we're approaching...wait for it...Holiday Season. I fucking kid you not. Last year it started in mid-October for him, but for the position he has now, if I'm remembering right, prep is going to start as early as next week. Maybe the following. I know there's a conference coming up that the person right above Frank has to go to is coming up and that's why the schedule change (the ridiculous amount of management levels in retail and corporate ugh!). And that whole conference is about the Holiday Season.

I know way too much about this job and company, but that's also my thing. I'm not a sideline person. I can't help Frank succeed if I have no idea what the hell is going on. So I bugged his previous store management about stuff all the time when they weren't busy. Once his head boss realized I was asking important questions and was actually listening/caring, we built a good report. Plus, I'd always just listen to conversations and be mindful. That's what good subs do, right??? Hahahaha

I'm far too plotting to be a good sub. But I do it out of love. That should count...