Monday, December 31, 2012

End of Another Year

It's been a long year. It also feels like the year has flown by. But time is funny like that.

I'll tell you about the weekend in the new year. Oh did we have fun!! I'm mainly waiting because we'll also be seeing each other tonight and I'm sure I'll have more to talk about.

Mainly because it's 8:30 in the morning and I surprisingly have a busy day ahead of me.

Like a long nap because I feel like an old lady and can't stay up until 2 every night. :-P  It was like 3 am when I got to bed on Saturday. Barely slept as I had a "strange woman" in my bed, heh.

Now I have to stay up until god knows what time later this evening...yeah I'm a wuss when it comes to night time.

Oh I know what will happen! My friends will beat me awake, LOL!!

Or Sir will. Mmmmm, I approve of that idea more. Especially with a belt looped around my neck. *swoon*

I will leave y'all with a little bit of juicy details...

O.M.G...His scary/Sadist side??

It is damn scary. Not because I'm afraid He'll harm me. I know better.

No, that side is scary because it has the power to strip away all the walls I hide behind. Leaving the core of who I am vulnerable before Him.

I'm shaking just thinking about it.

It is scary in a conventional sense. I need to prepare my mind better for what He calls the "Hunter"...and I'm damn well His prey. I like that level of scary but I had no idea what to expect. I still don't really.

I'll learn though and He'll keep me safe along the way.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Introspection and Plans

Alcohol and introspection is a very interesting combination. Not necessarily the good kind of interesting though.

I was drinking chocolate wine last night. It is as delicious as it sounds. Pretty sure I have a new favorite.

I'd been introspective most of the day. Wasn't anything bad per se, just being in my own head for awhile.

The alcohol was a bad choice in that the slightest things were setting me off into tears. It wasn't even taking much. An errant thought here and there found myself crying.

I was up late last night. Curled up with pillows and my thoughts. Once I got to bed, my sleep was restless.

Before you ask, He and I are fine. :)

There's going to be a lot of changes in the next year. Plans being put into action. Whispers and hints that things are shifting. A few maybes and what-ifs. Whole bunch of unknowns.

But while in this whole introspective mindset, there were some pretty concrete foundations making an appearance.

Heh, there's a distinct feeling of being tested. To see if my resolve is as strong as I believe it to be. Only time will tell.

I don't want to be vague but I've tried to write out what's going on and I keep deleting it. There's just so much that could happen.

I can tell you where it starts. Pulling out about 10-11 years of paperwork from boxes in closets. Incomplete documentation, I should add.

That's my plan for January. Going through all of that crap and seeing if anything new stands out. Familiarize myself with what's there and not there. Then see what I can do to obtain complete documentation from the company in question.

Yeah, it's going to be a very busy and complicated year.

Thursday, December 27, 2012


I hope everyone had a happy holiday, whichever you may celebrate!!

I've been busy and a little uninspired to write.

June, I did see your comment. I'm just terrible at responding sometimes. Hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas!!

He and I are good. Back to where we should be. There was never any danger of us not being okay. Just some stumbling blocks as we sorted out our own minds, and figured out how to better express things directly. Still working on that latter part...

So yes I've been busy. Holidays and all that. I'm also having a few people over on this weekend. Some play, if people want to, with food and socializing. Maybe break out cards against humanity and Uno, because that's always fun.

Too bad this is a "dry" party because drinking and Uno is hysterical. Another time when people aren't playing.

I'm able to see Him over the weekend as well as new years eve. I'm very excited! Especially since last night we were discussing details to play. It should be a lot of fun and I'll share what He allows me. LOL

New years eve does involve alcohol. I'll be having rum and coke...I already warned Him that I'm a very snuggling drunk. Pretty damn silly as well. I'm sure He'll be amused, heh.

So that's what has been going on here. I'll keep y'all updated on fun happenings over the next few days!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Sweetness and Orgasms

If you haven't noticed, we're very sickeningly sweet. We're that kind of sweet that you want to cringe at because it's just too much. And we both fully acknowledge this, lol!!

Thankfully, we keep it pretty much to ourselves. Except I do occasionally share it here, but y'all barely get a taste of how cute we are.

Like, how He likes making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And...I fully admit I'm a greedy little subbie in that I want it all...and that He doesn't have a problem with it since He has plenty to share.

Yes, the man is downright scary. But He's also so sweet and tender. Thoughtful and caring. Supportive and understanding.

I love the kink. I love when He's dark. Oooo, I love His darkness. I love how He so easily accepts the darkness in in last night I told Him I want Him to come into my home as an intruder and do downright terribly evil things to me.

Gotta love consensual non-consent!! :-D

I'm also a romantic. I'm not necessarily a chocolate and flowers kind of woman, though I don't mind those! I more mean everything He does that makes me swoon with warmth and makes my heart flutter in delight.

I love the sweetness of Him. When He softly touches my cheek and smiles down at me. When we talk about all the gooey feelings we have for each other. How much He loves that I'm super cuddly.

If our friends knew how bad we have it for each other, they'd be teasing us...instead of how we always tease them. Ha ha! And yes, He does have it bad for me. He hasn't outright said it but come on, we all know it's true.

So, if this doesn't always strike y'all as a BDSM blog, please understand that our cuteness is a large part of us and even part of our dynamic. We are some of the darkest kinky people out there. But it's not even something He and I have touched upon together...yet.

He often says I need a bit of light. That the darkness isn't what I need right now. It's so true. He wants to see me happy, smiling, upbeat...after so long of struggling with past relationships and my own inner demons.

He's pretty damn wonderful. *sighs happily*

I do have to gush about a little kink though. As I mentioned the other day, we're back to our power exchange. He told me that lately He's been working me up and leaving me hanging. I guess He felt I deserved some relief because He ordered me to have an orgasm.

Then it became at least one. LOL!!

He loves my enthusiastic nature. How readily I'm willing to please Him and follow through on an order. Because not 15 minutes later was I on the floor moaning and cumming, definitely His slut. And I was still quite horny so I kept going.

I managed another orgasm and soaked through the towel beneath me. Playing with my favorite glass dildo. Yum!!

Now I'm a ball of submissive bliss. Content with where He and I are with our relationship. Content with being His slut and play thing.

Oh! And after seeing this toy on another blog, I was told I need to order it for our time together in January:

There are a couple of different designs but I think I like that one the best. I'm not normally a fan of pink but that just looks so cute!! And I know He'll have fun using it! I just have to wait for it to come back in stock, then I'll be all over ordering that! :-D

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I am His

He has my heart. 
My mind is an open playing field for Him to explore at will. 
My soul warms and sighs contently around Him.

Whether it's formal or not, I am His.

I am the stray kitten He found, with a lifetime of cruelty, baggage, and a distrust of people. He's slowly been coaxing me inside. Giving me a warm and safe place to rest. One day I'll be the good kitty who curls up on His lap when He calls. One day the collar He'll place around my neck will be a reminder of Him and how He feels for me.

He's already accomplished the hardest step in the process. Getting the kitty to trust Him enough to come inside, to that place of warmth and security. Allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Now by no means is the rest easy, but having my trust is everything. He definitely took His time with that. And I know it's not complete. But that's part of the fun of a relationship. Discovering new pieces and integrating them into what exists.

I actually asked Him about this yesterday. Whether or not He knew that I consider myself His. Oh He knew! Yes, laugh away as I know it's probably obvious to everyone. And while it's not wholly or fully, He does see me as something He can call "His."


Speaking of which, our power exchange is back! Officially as of yesterday. (there was a little bit of confusion on both sides but that got sorted out)

I missed the contentment that comes with it. I missed being able to call Him "Sir" regularly. He missed that too. :-D  It feels so right.

It's two days before Christmas. My tree is up with presents underneath. My cats are snuggling on the couch with me. I have a fantastic meal planned for Christmas dinner. And I have my Sir again. Or should I say He has me, hee hee.

No matter what else may be going on, moments like this are what keep me going. ^_^

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Do you see what I see?

I believe He's finally starting to see just how settled into my heart my love for him is. He told me earlier in the week: "You're not the first, and you may not be the last, but you are the now. And I'd be a fool to turn away from that."

Yes Sir, you would be...

I think my actions have matched my words. More than the expression of the love I have for Him, but I'm not tempted by "others." I think He was very concern He was a "shiny," a passing fancy.

A friend of ours hit on me at the bar on Tuesday night. Groped me even. I love our friends! We're so far from the norm. But boob grabbing doesn't mean much in our circle of friends, for the most part. This had a distinctly different feel. Inviting me to hang out at his place. There was something there in the tone that suggested more.

Know what I did? I spent a hour with Him right after this. I wanted my time with Him, since His work held Him up earlier that day and I couldn't get my alone time then.

The next day, I asked him about our friend. To see if it was just me and to tell him I was well aware of someone else approaching His territory...even if that last part isn't totally official. :-P

I told Him that I had no interest in this other guy. I don't, not to mention this guy has a weird semi-relationship with another friend of ours. Which is not going well. So not touching that. I know though, even if there was no outside drama with this guy friend, I'd still not be interested.

My love is with Him. If I want to snuggle and play, I have Him, R and K.

It's funny though with that guy friend. About two years ago, I found four kinky people on a vanilla site. Three of whom are prominently in my life. The one I was able to convince fairly easily to come out to munches. We've had a good friendship that is really cementing itself now.

There's ex. We don't talk about him. He's still local and somewhat in the community. I will be more than happy to never see that man again.

The last two are Him and the guy friend who seems to be interested in me. I was pretty damn compatible with all four guys. That's how I was able to find them. But the funny part is I immediately knew them the moment I saw them, and from where, when they showed up to munches over a year and half later.

Heh, He still doesn't remember meeting me there. But the man has a worse memory for details than me, and I would have wagered large amounts of money that wasn't possible. It took our friend probably about two months (and checking back on the site, lol) to remember that we had spoken.

The point of that is: Our friend is someone who potentially I would be very good with dating, and who I am not interested in the slightest.

We met on July 15th. It is over 5 months later. I'm still here and I have no intention of going anywhere. I'm more intrigued each day by this man who made me swoon from the day we met in person. We talk every day. Throughout most of our day typically.

Even as I'm wrapping up this post, we're texting. He just woke up. I have this urge to curl up in bed with Him and steal His warmths.

He was in my dreams last night. Gotta love how He finds His way there, to a place that used to be all my own. I don't mind sharing my dream real estate as long as it's with Him.

Making Him Smile

I always love Him but some days those feelings are so intense that I feel like I'm overflowing.

Like right now? I had to write a little before bed. Share all this sweetness.

He told me that I have the ability to make Him smile in almost any situation.

I love knowing that! His smile is enough to make me melt. He has a variety of very distinct smiles but there's one in particular still on my mind.

From Tuesday night, as we were saying our good byes, we kissed. He had this smile that exuded happiness and contentment. It pulled at my heart so intensely that I had to kiss Him again.

Even now, I just want to kiss Him so I can see that look.

Also, I really enjoy kissing Him. He makes something quite simple this sweet, tender, and wonderful thing.

I'm going on about the man because of kisses and smiles. Can you imagine everything He makes me feel if kisses and smiles leave me smiling and swooning like a teenage girl?

It's no wonder I'm head over heels for Him.

Not to mention that He can easily put me in my place with a few well placed touches. That also came in handy on Tuesday. I have a weakness for my ears. And my ankles. Which He takes full advantage of to have me exactly the level of kitten and submissive that He wants me.

He's a great listener too. He's talked me through some intense, fairly negatives moments a lot this week. It's not been one of my better weeks to put it mildly.

He makes it better though. He has this talent of helping put me at ease.

So while I make Him smile nearly all the time, I can say for certain He does the same. His mere presence is often enough to make me smile. Then when He flashes a dazzling smile my way, I melt.

It may sound so vanilla but we're definitely more than just the kink. We always have been. Vanilla is not something I wish to discard, ever. Especially not the way vanilla is for us. It's downright delicious!

Now I'm off to bed to dream sweetly of Him.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I was slipping and sliding. Crying and lonely. A kind of loneliness that resonated deep within my soul.

There's a band called "Anthem Lights." I listen to their covers all the time. But I realized one of the songs I play daily was one of theirs. So I decided to listen to the rest of the album. While I don't like everything, the music pulled to me.

They're a Christian band.

For nearly the past week, I've been dreaming about church and going to mass. Standing alone in unfamiliar churches lit only by candles. Standing before the altar and seeing the physical manifestation of my loneliness.

Saturday night, I dreamed about my old church out in my hometown in Jersey. I went to mass and brought Him with me. There was a lightness there. And a sense of obligation. But I was welcomed back with open arms. Like a friend that had long been missed.

I keep ending up in churches, no matter what else my dreams may consist of during the night.

But yes, I was crying. Caught up in fears and doubts. Because honestly, I have a lot of those right now. It's been a rough week. More than just my struggles with Him. Something from my past came up the surface. A past trauma. Something that changed the landscape of my reality, on every level.

Then there's the ever continual struggle with faith and my beliefs. I don't have the answers. That much is becoming clear.

So I threw on my headphones and set up my playlist with all of the songs I currently listen to daily.. And I started to read. Yeah, the book He gave me. I looked for that post in the archives and couldn't find it. But it's the ragamuffin gospel book.

Yes, I'm still slowly reading that. It's not a rush through book, at least not for me. Not with where my mind is. But I think I'll be reading it more.

I'm sure He'll be interested in that I've been dreaming of churches and faith lately. He doesn't even know that I want to go back to his church again some time...well, He knows now lol. There was something more there that day. I want to see if it was a one time thing. If not that would be interesting to unravel.

Let me tell you, it's disturbing to be haunted by my lack of faith in my own dreams.

Given everything else that's been going on, it would be great if my dreams would show me some relief.

Not to mention that He's always there...somewhere in my dreams. Haunting me as well it seems. My life before meeting Him, I'd rarely ever dream of people I know. Maybe a few times a year, if that. It's been strange to have Him in my dreams nearly every night.

Still not nearly as disturbing as the church dreams though. Some of which have rivaled the best thriller movies.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Bad Behavior

I feel downright terrible about last night. Apparently suppressing emotions doesn't end well.

All that pain, anger, frustration came to the surface. He said I was malevolent in nature.

I slapped Him while out at the bar...across the face. Not hard or for real...but I did. As soon as I did, I had an "OMG what did I just do??" moment.

I felt terrible last night but now that I'm sober, there's so much guilt and general horrible feelings.

And He was so sweet to me too.

He diffused the malevolence and overall bad mood. (well to some extent I guess, because I slapped Him after that...)

Even after all this unfolded, the man gave me two orgasms and then let me have His cum.

Then we spent another twenty talking and kissing.

He is too good to me. Especially after my horrible behavior. It was uncalled for, as it presented itself.

I just apologized again to Him, now that I'm sober and the reality of my actions and behavior has hit me.

*sighs*  I'm hoping my bad head space is now gone and I can go back to being His cute kitten again.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Bandaging "Us"

If we weren't good at communicating, our friendship would have been a smoldering pile of ashes a long time ago.

We're okay. A little scuffed and shaken up, but we'll live.

We're also excellent at triggering the other...considering how many triggers we both have, this is not surprising at all.

Our friendship was built on disclosure and a continual building of trust. That's the only reason we're both standing okay right now.

Even as I was angry with Him, I wanted to run into His arms. Say, "Help me fix this, please."

In a more metaphorical sense, I did. And we've been talking ever since. Trying to understand each other. To be fair, we never really stop talking.

We haven't reset back to the beginning, even if it felt like it.

There's still quite a bit to talk about before we get anything going again.

Just because I love the man doesn't mean there aren't still a few points of contention. Either we do this right and keep with it, or we wait until that is possible.

Because this on and off crap is not cool.

I have faith in Him, and in us, that we'll find a way to make it work.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I Love You, Always

If you're willing to fight for us,
I'll stand by your side every step of the way.

If you can let go of possible outside perceptions,
I'll make each day of your life happier.

If you want all we've spoken of,
I'll be the partner you so desperately crave.

If you want to stop all the "maybes" and "ifs",
I'll help you make "Us" a reality.

I love you, Sir. I always will.
Please give yourself the chance to truly enjoy it.

More Changes

There's really not much to say.

This isn't three steps back.

This is back to square one.

Frankly I have no idea what He wants and is going to do...because He has no clue.

I'm still buried deep within my own mind.

I'm sure there's a breakdown and outright horrible reaction waiting for when I do emerge.

He told me yesterday when I saw Him that the time frame on things is moved.

After our conversation last night, I'm not convinced there will ever be anything more than a friendship.

Some part of me knew it was too good to be true. It's why I set the expectation bar low. But the man gave me hope. That bloody dangerous and destructive thing.

I shouldn't be this angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. I do understand from His perspective.

It's just...these are the same things that have been around all along.

I hate when people tell me they're going to do something and then don't. There's always a reason of course.

I'm dysfunctional as fuck but at the end of the day I say "suck it buttercup" and I do what I said I was going to do.

The problem is what exists now? Then let's stir the pot and see what happens. *grins evilly*

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Rollercoaster of Ups and Downs

Days like today, I think my head is screwed on backwards.

The people who offer stability are not the ones I'm in love with. I do love them, don't get me wrong. But there's no drive in my heart pushing me towards their direction.

And the one I do love is hard, complicated, and downright messy path to take. One I'm not always sure is going to lead anywhere but in circles.

If I was rational, I'd be heading towards the stability side of things. But I never claimed to be rational and neither has my heart.

Every step forward with Him, I feel like I take three back.

Intellectually, I understand. Completely and I don't hold it against Him one bit.

I'm not exactly okay emotionally myself most of the time.

But I'm at a place where I feel like I'm being led on only to be dropped at every turn.

I can handle just being friends. I truly can be okay and happy there.

I can't handle having pieces of more dangled in front of me, with it always ending up being pulled away.

My ex did that...I haven't talked about that ex here yet. It was a destructive relationship that left horrible triggers and distrust in me. He'd talk about all he wanted to do. Tease me with fulfilling needs and desires, never to have any of it ever happen.

I can't do that again. I won't put up with it. I wasted three years of my life on someone who wasn't worth my time. On someone who couldn't bother to give me anything I needed.

I will not waste any more of my time. I believe He is worth it. I have from the day we met. But this roller coaster is tearing me apart.

I can help Him with the bad times, if He'll let me. I can handle pieces being put to the side now and then. But don't keeping taking everything away.

If it's just not possible right now, fine. But tell me, so I don't get my hopes up and so I don't have expectations of things that aren't going to happen.

Let me know if putting everything else on hold will be worth it. Or if I shouldn't hold out hope and keep searching. Bc it is one or the other.

Even if it's in a year's time, I can and will wait. But if this is never going to lead to anything besides friendship, just let me know now...

It's not just today either. This has been going on for awhile. I thought we had finally gotten past this stage, but apparently not.

I need stability. And this isn't it...


It occurred to me while reading blogs...yes I'm a tangential person and will often be inspired when reading blogs, even if it's only semi related. Thanks Fondles for the inspiration!! ^_^

To explain how I got to the post that follows...I was reading about Fondles hot and sexy times...then started thinking "ooo, I can't wait to play with Him on the 29th." Which led me to imagining the He likes to get right in my face, Sadistic and I'll be silently begging Him to kiss me...

*fans off*

Anyway, I was thinking about that moment and thought about my interactions with T and R. It occurred to me that they do the same damn thing! Yet, I've not kissed either of them.

Which when you consider how much else I have done with them, it's a little funny that kissing hasn't made the list.

With R, it's an issue with gluten. She has Celiac disease and I'm not about to poison her with a kiss.

And I'm not about to kiss T without having kissed R first. That would just be rude, lol.

Plus, it's not something the three of us have discussed. Somehow kissing would change the playing field. I don't know if that's something we're ready for, or even something I want to handle right now.

I have Him to handle and that's difficult enough on its own most days!! *smiles at Him* You know I love you and that I think you're absolutely worth it. ^_^

Especially now that He wants to move this into a public setting, I'm hesitant to take another emotional/physical step with anyone else right now.

Once He and I are settled more comfortably, I imagine the four of us will be sitting down and having a long discussion. About countless relevant things, I'm sure.

I know they're worried, more than either of them are outright saying. From their perspective I can understand it, but hopefully that worry can be eased in time. It comes from a place of love and I greatly appreciate that.

So yes, this started as a post about "hmm, I've not kissed them" and it spiraled into other semi-related things. Now y'all see the process behind most posts...with a bit more details and understanding behind it.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Wax Play

Wax play...not a fan.

Been wanting to try it out for several years. And I mean real wax play, not just a couple drops from a candle.

There was a small get together at a friend's place last night. A small group which was lovely.

I got to try wax play...I was the only one yelling out in pain. Not in the good way either.

Feeling like I'm being burned is not my kink.

My skin has never been as soft but that is not worth the price. Both in spending money on wax (look it up sometime, that shit is expensive) and with the pain.

I'm sad I didn't like it as it's quite a popular thing at local parties right now. He's sad too. To be clear, He wasn't there but I sent Him a text about it afterwards.

Otherwise last night was a blast. I was the resident kitty who nuzzled everyone. There are some pictures of that and I hope I get to see those!!

Today is putting up the tree and other Christmas decorations, so I should get on that. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Friday, December 14, 2012


I have this tendency to apologize a lot. Like, if I feel I've said or shared too much, I'll apologize for doing such.

I'm sure it drives Him up a wall at times. He always tells me "you're fine." So I know what I say doesn't bother Him...but yet I still feel compelled to apologize.

It's one of those things I'm trying to work on...

Also, I tried to get off last night. It was the first glimpse of arousal all week.

Every time I'd get close, my mind would stop my body.

This is part of why He took control in the first place. I need permission in order to cum.

And well, I don't want my orgasms to be my own. Not right now, at least. If He no longer wanted any control of me ever again, I'm sure I could find a way to cum.

But this is a temporary break from our power exchange. My orgasms are His and I'll just have to wait until He's ready before I am allowed to cum again.

There's not a single complaint from me in this, by the way.

It's just an observation that my orgasms are His, even when He's not actively in control of them.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

All Lovey and Gooey

I'm tired and sore. Long day. Entertaining a baby while dealing with idiots shopping. Attempting to find a black sweater that wasn't see-through, a turtleneck or frumpy for the friend I'm with. Ended up finding a dark gray one...hope it works for her. I don't understand it, but manufacturer's are fucking idiots with the way clothing is being designed.

So take this post with a cup of coffee. I know I'll be needing some along with the Mtn Dew I just chugged down.

I had a realization before bed last night. I told Him all about it. That's just what I do...

It's that I was able to be sad without spiraling into a depression. This was Monday evening. I was in the shower and just started balling my eyes out. Which yeah that did suck but it was healthy. I was doing okay before 24 hours later. No depression, no darkness. Fuck yeah!

I claim my victory!

He thinks it's a little weird, my phrasing of how frickin happy I am that I had non-debilitating sadness. Don't care. I'm fucking ecstatic that I don't need to freak out because I feel like crying now and then. Strange as it sounds but that made my day.

Okay so before the strange realization late at night in bed. He and I were texting per the norm.

I was in a good mood. Like a super, duper great mood.

I mentioned how weird it is to not be calling Him "Sir"...and He said it won't be too long. Thankfully!!!

Which is when I started to gush. Totally sappy, lovey, gooey.

How I crave Him. How the man fascinates me to no end. I'm constantly learning new things about Him and I love it.

Okay, I won't continue with that or this will go on forever...

But, He was surprised I gushed so much. Really??? Huh, well okay then. :-P

He makes me happy. All the time, seriously. Just who the man is satisfies my mind, heart, and body. Of course I'm gonna gush and be all lovey-dovey.

I also got permission to gush as much as possible to Him. *grins and sighs happily*

I miss the kink. I really do. But, I love this man so much that I can go without it from time to time.

Also, I asked for something!!! I asked if ropes could be used when we have our weekend together in January. He said yes and it's on the list of things of "some day."  Along with a whole assortment of other fun things that I can barely recall now.

So He's happy and I'm happy. ^_^

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Asking VS Expressing

This is going to be a very twitchy post for me...
Hope I can do the topic justice.

We were talking about asking for things I want/need from Him. This post has a two-fold purpose. One to explain to Him fully where that comes from. The other to pose the argument between "asking" versus "expressing".

That I don't ask for things is a reoccurring theme for me with Doms and relationships for me in general. It stems back to my childhood. I was raised by guardian parents from second grade and on. It was once I moved in with them that I stopped asking for anything.

I learned very early on to appreciate what I did have. When nearly everything was taken away, priorities changed. I also realized that my guardians couldn't provide the emotional support and love I had previously. I accepted that and appreciated what I did have.

My Christmas list every year comprised of books and cds. The only two things I really craved, and still do to this day. Still, I had to be told to write out a wish list. I wasn't one of those children in the store pointing out this and that. The comments of "I hope you like it" with a hint of worry and "I didn't know what to really buy you" now make much more sense.

That has been who I am ever since, in every aspect of my life. I accept what people can and can't offer. I am happy with what I do receive physically and emotionally from others. As long as people make the effort, I'm content.

It's made D/s a bit interesting. Because this attitude has set me up for disappointment. I am human and do have needs that must be met, or I become disinterested. It's something I have been working on over the last two years to determine what all I need from a partner. The list becomes a little more detailed if they are also dominant over me.

But simply, as long as that list is fulfilled on a decently regular basis, I'm good. Everything else I receive from a partner is an extra blessing, and an unexpected one at that.

This is because my life conditioned me to set my expectation bar fairly low when it comes to others. I'm all too aware of the imperfections of people. I will never ask people to give more than they are willing. It ends badly for everyone.

Which leads me to the second half of this post...

I can express my needs, wants, desires just fine. At this point in my life, it's something I know to make very clear. I will tell a partner everything I do and do not like. I want to talk about unexplored avenues that sound fun. I don't just mean kink, but life in general. It's great to talk about these things.

It's amazing what you can learn about people when you talk with and listen to them.

But asking sits uncomfortably with me. I feel it places an expectation upon my partner. It sends the message that I'm without something I want/need. Which, given what people have expected me to ask for, it's not like that. If there's a need/want not being met that's on my list, it means a more in depth conversation than just asking.

For me, that's a sign that there's a greater miscommunication at work. Possibly that it's something the other person can't fulfill, or something they're not all the comfortable with. It speaks to a larger issue, possibly irreparable problem.

Let me give an example of what I mean between expressing and asking. I'll go into orgasms because that's where this conversation began with Him and I.

hypothetical background: been horny for a few days, starting to feel needy as I haven't been given permission to cum in that time...

Expressing myself: "Sir, I've been very horny the last few days. You have a very aroused sex kitten wanting to play."

Asking: "Sir, I've been very horny and needy. Would it be possible for me to have an orgasm soon?"

Ugh...even writing the "asking" part was very difficult. I probably didn't do a good job with it either.

Both leave the power in the other person's hands...but asking seems like placing an expectation upon the person. It requires an active decision in that moment. Expressing has the feel of making the desire known, but leaving it up to the other person as to when to address it and how.

To me, my partner should know when I'm horny. When I want to play. When I'm having a bad day and just want sweetness/softness. Expressing all of this is great. It's information the other person should know. But it still leaves all the power and discretion up to the other person.

I'm more liable to ask if there's a reason why "x, y, z" is or isn't happening compared to me asking for something in particular.

Frankly, asking feels like it creates more problems than solutions. I understand that my partner has the ability to say "no" but I believe hearing/saying "no" too often can lead to a fracture between the people involved. It can lead to the one asking to stop doing such. Whereas with just expressing, and the other person acknowledging it of course, allows the person in control to make decisions with a fuller understanding. But not dictated by the box asking creates in either giving or denying.

I didn't choose D/s to get what I want all the time. I chose it because I need to give up control. I need to be led, even to places I would not have chosen in that moment myself. Because it's not just about me. It's not even about the other person so much. It's about the journey together.

Asking for things seems counterproductive to that journey and the growth that comes with it.

So folks, if you made it all the way through this: Congrats!!! 
I'd love some feedback from people and 
your perspectives on the topic of "asking."

I have a feeling He's going to say something to the effect of: "Your inability to ask comes from a fear of being rejected. Hence why I'm pushing you past those boundaries in order to have you grow as a person." And He feels like He misses things. If He is, asking is a direct way to bring it to His attention.

Even though I express myself well I think...and when I don't, oh look I have a blog to sort out the details.

Anyway, if you have thoughts, please feel free to comment. I do so enjoy your comments!! ^_^

Monday, December 10, 2012


I know what happened last night isn't my fault, but I feel partially responsible.

If I hadn't come over...

If it had been a different day...

If I had been more aware and conscious of surroundings...


I hope He's doing a bit better today. He seemed to be doing better a few hours after I left. We'd been texting. I was trying to offer the same support He's given me 1,000 times. I hope it was good enough.

It had been such a good day too. Vanilla(ish...because a blow job in the kitchen isn't really vanilla, lol). We'd been making soup. Watching Thor and Iron Man 2. Yep, He's slowly showing me the movies that lead up to the Avengers. Don't worry, I ask Him to. :-P

I did get lots of snuggles and cuddles. I enjoy being wrapped up in His arms. It's a very safe place to be.

No real kink, which He did warn me that there might not be. Which was fine.

The power exchange has gotten put on the back burner for now. Neither of us are in the right head space for it.

I'm sure it won't be too long...but there's no pressure either. I want Him to be okay again.

I have a few ghosts from the past to shake off myself.

Heh, on a happier note to end this...we were sitting on the couch, cuddled close. He offhandedly mentioned that He reads this every day.

*waves at Him*  Hi! ^_^

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Orgasms Upon Orgasms

Going to bed after more orgasms than I could count. Estimating over a dozen, under two dozen. The first round there was 5 orgasms with nipple play ONLY.

The second round is when things got so intense that I was nearly incapable of speech. I also lost count then lol.

He had given me permission the evening before to play with R and K. Have fun and enjoy myself. Oh that I did!!

But I have different levels of orgasms. Without penetration and/or direct clitoral simulation, I'm left feeling a little unsatisfied.

Thankfully tomorrow I get to see Him! Hooray! He told me to bring my toys as He intends to enjoy Himself.

I'm sure there will be plenty to share. If not, I'll tell y'all about my fun with K and R! Might do that anyway because I think there's a lot He could use to His advantage.

If He still reads here...not sure He's been keeping up lately.

Friday, December 7, 2012

The BF

Kitty for Mr. Woods asked me on this post about the boyfriend I have.

I knew a reply there wouldn't be sufficient so I decided to write a post in response.

The bf and I have known each other for what seems like forever. We've become much closer over the last three years. But it was only 6 months or so ago that we got (back) together. We have prior history from that forever ago, not too long after we first met.

Heavens, we were awkward back then. The kind of awkward only teenagers can be. Young, foolish, not nearly as devious as we are now.

So much has happened since then. And yes, I'm being non-specific to certain time lines. Can't go giving away my age, after all. *grins and winks*

It was a year before we starting dating again that I realized a spark was still between us. I allowed him to stretch his dominant muscles. Then I became re-involved with someone and that was put to the back burner. I guess it was around Christmas time last year that I told him that I still cared about him.

When we finally got to see each other, it was pretty damn obvious something is there. But it has this tendency to fade when we're not together and not working damn hard at "us."

I could not be monogamous with him. The man tries but he is not comfortable in dominance, at least not yet. I need a Dom. While the bf isn't happy that he has to share me, he will. For now. He couldn't do it long term.

He hints at what he wants long term for himself. I don't fit into that mold. I don't want to fit into it. He's set on living in NJ. I miss it terribly but I have no desire to ever live in that state unless I have to.

So why stay together? Because not every relationship has to be long-term. The bf and I don't sit making plans for the future. It's something we're both aware of that we're meant to go off in different directions when the time comes.

It will fade back to a friendship at some point. I imagine the spark will always be there between us. We have too many years of history for there not to be something.

And now my comment of "I'm willing to be monogamous with Him" should be even more telling...there's a very introspective post hiding in there.

Now y'all have a better grasp of where things are in terms of the bf.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Last night was interesting...

I presented a variation of my typical public image. No glasses, but contacts. Hair up and done nice/neat. Make-up, jewelry. Instead of a dress or skirt, I wore jeans with a really nice dress shirt and vest with cute non-heeled boots.

It was an attempt to have a more commanding and self-assured persona come through. But apparently among kinksters, the default has become a cute little kitten.

I need to discuss law, politics, religion...those will bring out the side I'm searching for. Throw me back into a college classroom and that persona shines through.

Frankly, I was far too aroused last night to be anything but the sex kitten. I was totally up for an orgy, hahahaha.

So things did not go according to plan. It happens. But I think for the most part, everyone enjoyed themselves.

It was after everyone had left that it became personally interesting.

He and I were talking in the parking lot of the restaurant we'd been at for the evening. I held Him up, wanting just to spend a few moments together. Granted, I wanted deliciously sexy things too, but we didn't have the time for such.

Instead, we talked. He dropped a bomb shell. He wants to take on the public role of/as my Dominant.

Yeah...that still hasn't sunk in even as I type mind is like "Wait, what?"

Apparently that's what this test run with the orgasm control and other small things was leading up to with Him. Wanting to see if "this" worked. It's been something He's been considering for some time, though this is the first I'm hearing of it.

He talked with R about this nearly a month ago. The context of comments her and K have made since then now make far more sense.

One of the things He was trying to make clear last night is that once He sets His mind to something and makes a promise, He will follow through with it. He said that expressing that desire to be my Dominant pretty well sets the tone that it will happen.

At the same time, He's also cautious about what He says to me. He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep. In terms of a full, long term relationship, basically.

Which I have no expectations of it happening. From the beginning of when He and I met, I never expected any of this. When I started this blog, I told the story of how this will likely end. And yet, it's still worth it for the sweetness of what I have with Him now.

I don't expect anything more than right here, right now. What happens will happen. That's something new for me. I've set myself up in the past with making plans and dreaming of a life with someone. I can't keep doing that.

Especially not when He's so damn sure that we're incompatible long term. "Philosophical differences"...that's what He calls it. Though I did make it clear last night, He knows far less about me (read: my goals, dreams, long term life desires) than He realizes.

I am happy, thrilled even. Don't let my tangent detract from that. I would be perfectly content to have Him as my Dominant, even if that's all it ever will be.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Emotional growth

Yesterday, R told me that I should be careful and cautious when it comes to Him. She doesn't want to see me hurt.

He and I had the same reaction: Surprised this hadn't come sooner.

I'm well aware I'm playing with fire. I could easily get burned.

I am in love with a man who is not in love with me.

Yes, He finds me attractive. He's obviously interested, or we wouldn't have what we do.

It's not the most dangerous game I've played, but there are still a lot of unknowns.

Last night I was talking with a friend (from our circle of kinksters) about her relationship of sorts with this one guy (who we're also friends with). She's having intense jealousy issues.

So I talked her through all of her feelings. It came down to the fact that she's not communicating with this guy. I was firm with her that she needed to communicate her needs better. Even if they're not dating per se, they are together.

She is allowed to ask him questions about this other woman he's seeing/playing with. She has the right to express her insecurities to him. I hope she follows through with that like she agreed to do.

But there's a reason why I mention this exchange. She sounds like I did!! Before He and I had all of our most recent conversations.

I found myself telling her all of the things I've recently learned. How to enjoy the moment while it's happening. How to better communicate feelings with the intention of expression, not of actions. Expressing what are needs, even in that dynamic of a play partnership. If both parties aren't happy, then something needs to change or it's just not going to work out.

That fear I read in her words? I know that all too well. The fear of loss. The fear of no reciprocity of intense feelings and a more defined relationship. The fear of being dismissed when expressing emotional concerns.

A lesson I've recently learned is that someone who truly cares about me wants to hear my fears and concerns, so to help ease them. He likes it when I'm happy and super content. He tells me all the time that if I have questions about things He says, I'm more than welcome to ask.

Heh, she basically told me that her guy said the same to her. This woman and I are a lot alike. Something I've noticed from the moment we met. Maybe all of my recent personal growth can help her reach her own growth and inner peace.

I know R is worried but I'm in a good place with a really great man. If nothing else, the man does care very much about me. He's helped me grow emotionally, and has helped me find some stability within myself. I'm learning to communicate better. Not just with Him, but in my daily interactions with others.

I am cautious still. I will be for awhile as past issues with abandonment don't just disappear over night. But my head and heart say that this is the man I've been searching for.

Saturday, December 1, 2012


I'm floating in the afterglow as I write this.

There's so much that has happened, that we've said to each other.

I think it was Wednesday night that He said He could get used to having a little sex kitten under His control.

I offered Him Thursday evening control over my orgasms. I told Him it was fine, if not. I was trying to determine the lines between our play and when I had freedom of control.

He hesitated, saying that it would be left in my power. He'd only take control when we both agreed on it. Then it occurred to Him that I'd always say yes.

So He took control of my orgasms and I have to give Him daily reports. Cumming without permission results in a punishment...hopefully that won't be needed.

My head is spinning. I'm trying to stay grounded. Because I know this is but one small step for Him and I into the world of kink.

It's taken basically from July until now to get to this point. I don't mind one bit. The journey here has been incredible and necessary. The building up of trust, respecting the whole of each other, recognizing all the vanilla things that are so allowed us to be here.

Part of me is this giddy ball of joy. Tempered by the fact that things will still be going very, very slowly. Though it is nice to be finally approaching the bdsm and kink aspects of each other.

I keep smiling, an expression of sheer bliss. Being controlled, in any regard, sits so well with me.

It's like I have these wings but I'm too afraid to fly on my own. I'd fly too close to the sun, like Icarus not listening to caution. But with a proverbial leash of sorts, I can spread those wings and soar without fear. Knowing I'll be reigned in before going too far.

Granted, it's not near enough control for that kind of freedom. Maybe one day. Only time will tell if this is what He really wants. I'm okay with waiting and enjoying the ride in the mean time.

We have so much fun together. Out with friends. Watching whatever movie He feels like I've missed out on, lol. Helping Him gain confidence in cooking. I enjoy hearing about His day at work. None of that changes. A small, very lovely piece has just been added to the mix.