Friday, December 12, 2014

The Whys, The Heart of the Conversation

I have really interesting conversations. Like this morning at my chiropractor's office. My doc likes to tease me about Steve. This morning's conversation sparked a debate about when are people officially considered dating. Then the differences between dating and being in a relationship. And at what point does going on dates turn into dating.

Intent. That matters. Just because two people like each other and are spending time together that doesn't make it a date. My doctor's office disagrees, haha. But that's not where either of us are, ya know?

I didn't expect to be okay with that. If you had asked me in June, I wouldn't have believed it. Do I have longings for more? Sure, but those don't outweigh my need to have some distance. I'm not sure I mentioned this here...I did tell Steve that if he ever wants us to be together that it's on him. I will not make the first move because I refuse to have someone settle for me, or just go along with things.
This is very, very true :)

This reminds me of another interesting conversation I had earlier this week with my therapist. We were talking about how people confuse us and how ideas that seem simple can be complex because of the emotions involved. It started with parents that cling to their adult children which lead to relationships, so of course Steve came up. Not about him specifically but in reference to our visit to my therapist a few months ago. How when I said that I was angry and hurt but I still loved him, it was a healthier way of dealing with conflicts.

I thought about that for a time after the session. When I'm angry or hurting, I want to know why. Why the other person did what they did. What were they thinking about. I don't have these fits of blinding rage and I most certainly don't like to lash out at others when I am angry. I prefer to cool down and reexamine before approaching anything. It's why I have a lot of issues in relationships. Most people want/require real time communication. I'm going to say things I don't mean or I won't have words if I try to do it that way. I need processing time.

According my therapist, this is a healthy way to process. Both in wanting to know the whys and taking a bit of breather. We circled around this for a bit, how I've used this to deal with a lot of issues over the years. I understand why people did what they did over the years. It surprisingly helps to know. It makes them more human, more relatable. I pity many of the people who have hurt me over the years. Because I broke the cycle of abuse that still plagues them.

The last few months have been good for me. I'm seeing now just how purposely toxic the Ex was to my state of mind. I'm thankful I was finally able to get rid of him from my life. The damage that asshole did was far more extensive than I ever realized. If nothing else, it'll help with character development in one of my stories, heh.

I plead the fifth to this, lol

We'll see how I feel in a couple months, but I imagine it'll be better than now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll want to let someone close to my heart again.

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