Leave of Absence

I should be talking about a wonderful, amazing scene that we had yesterday evening. But I can't. It'll make me sad and frustrated.

And it was a great scene. Probably our best so far. Maybe one day I can write about it.

I'm not angry. We're going to talk about it some more tomorrow. I hope it'll make more sense then.

I'm not thrilled with any of this, but I understand why, in part, the decision was made. Granted, I have a few choice words of my own that will be said. If he ever wants us to be an "us" in the future, there are a few things he needs to know first.

I am stronger and more resilient than anyone has given me credit for. I will be the mountain that does not move. The tree that bends but does not break.

And I will wait. Let them all see what happens now that I am free. Truly, the surface has only been scratched and there is so much more to see than anyone ever thought possible.

I don't know when I'll be posting again. Being here right now isn't good for me. But I will be back.

I Am Free

I'm not sure where to begin, and maybe most of it doesn't need to be said.

Three days ago, I noticed colors again. Bright and vivid. When did the sky get so blue? I swear it was never that blue except for a day in Arizona ten years ago. The grass too? I pass those fields several times a week.

My world was working on a dimmer switch and someone cranked it up to full capacity...

I woke up this morning with my spine curving more properly than it has in the last three years.

What's tomorrow going to look like?

So the question that you're all asking is, "What changed?"

Remember the Ex? Yep, gone. It took far more drastic steps than I would have ever thought necessary but I am free of him. Three weeks ago, I started taking the steps to break free of the chains he placed around me. And in the end, I won.

No one knew the extent of what that man did to me and what he put me through. In many ways, no one ever will. But I survived. I dislike the term "victim." No, I'm a survivor.

As for the present? I can live. For the first time, I can live freely.

The only chains I will ever wear again are the ones for fun and pleasure. :)

Eye of the Storm

My world feels like it's being torn apart by a storm and scattered to the four corners.

And yet...there's a feeling of pause, anxiously waiting for what comes next. The eye of the storm that lulls the false sense of security, but I know better.

The storm will rage on.

I'm in the position of standing on my own two feet, no crutch in sight. Oh, they'll pick me up if I fall, but I will have to fall first.

I remember being 13, so excited for the first step into adulthood. I thought about growing up as all kids do. The excitement to be who I wanted to be, do what I wanted to do, become the person I could never be then.

This is the first step I've had to do all that. That 13 year old girl believed I'd have it all figured out by now. Yet I don't.

I know how to survive. I only know how to live in briefly stolen moments, knowing I may have to pay a price for my independence. The freedom to live by my own choices that will make me happy is a dream with new fire in it. There's the fear it'll be put out. Or succeed. The excitement of having the first taste of what being free means.

Today the storm will hit. Only the Fates know what will happen next.