Quarantined and Going Crazy

Damn, I suck at keeping up with this these days. I apologize. Every time I think I get a bit of stability, things come crashing down again.

I know I promised more fun sexy things this time, but I don't have the heart for it. I'll get there again. Quarantine, covid 19, being immunocompromised...

It's taken a huge toll on me. More than that. I've been drowning in dark waters of depression and ptsd.

The anxiety I had, fearing for my life because of the Ex...this situation triggered it. I've been going from little sleep, to sleeping most of two days. Not eating much at all. Some intrusive thoughts about dying.

It's getting better. I've been talking with people I trust about it. I'm taking one day at a time and being kind to myself. My brain isn't being nice so I have to be.

My life has so drastically changed from when I started this blog. I started this to explore a journey with a man. A man I would have given everything to, given up things for. He knew better, even if he was a cunt about it.

Lisa...gods, Lisa. I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she became but it's not the woman I fell so madly in love with. We were going to be the old ladies drinking tea and wine, yelling at kids to get off our lawn. The weird witchy women that people turned to and were also slightly scared of. That was always the plan. Her and I, no matter what.

I cried my tears for her last year. Then deep seated anger. Then I thought we were okay.

Apparently the thing she always said about me was true. I'm threatening to relationships, not because I go out of my way to break people apart. I am the rock. The person people can depend on.

Scott thought she would leave him for me. Lisa thought Scott would leave her for me.

Heh. No thanks. They can keep that disfunction all to themselves.

But I've been thinking about them. Not meaning to, it just is. They got all the friends. Other friendships are still too new and tangled and confusing.

I miss my twin and triplet. I miss all my friends who are in NJ or on the border of it. My plan is still to sell the house in around 5 years. I have time to figure it out. So far NJ is in the lead. That and New Hampshire. That was my second home for so long. I miss it.

Another part of me wants to disappear into a beautiful little home in the woods with a bit of land. And escape all of it.

That's the depression and anxiety talking. I know it is. Run and hide so no one can find me. Or just keep running.

This year has been immensely difficult, but I swear my next post, I will explain what I've been up to that is way more exciting than all of this angst.