Bittersweet

Let's all take a moment to read: This Post

Both the post itself and Steve's comment (though he posted as "Him" at the time).

*sighs*  That sigh is a tad bittersweet.

Someone was reading the post that follows, which is a reaction post. I couldn't remember it, as it had been two years ago. I'm not entirely sure how to feel rereading our words.

Obsessed. Yeah I am. Still.

At one point, I wouldn't have censored the words racing through my mind currently. But I think some things are better left unsaid. If only for now, I hope.

Though I'm not sure he even still reads this. We haven't talked about anything from here in quite some time.

The Whys, The Heart of the Conversation

I have really interesting conversations. Like this morning at my chiropractor's office. My doc likes to tease me about Steve. This morning's conversation sparked a debate about when are people officially considered dating. Then the differences between dating and being in a relationship. And at what point does going on dates turn into dating.

Intent. That matters. Just because two people like each other and are spending time together that doesn't make it a date. My doctor's office disagrees, haha. But that's not where either of us are, ya know?

I didn't expect to be okay with that. If you had asked me in June, I wouldn't have believed it. Do I have longings for more? Sure, but those don't outweigh my need to have some distance. I'm not sure I mentioned this here...I did tell Steve that if he ever wants us to be together that it's on him. I will not make the first move because I refuse to have someone settle for me, or just go along with things.

This is very, very true :)

This reminds me of another interesting conversation I had earlier this week with my therapist. We were talking about how people confuse us and how ideas that seem simple can be complex because of the emotions involved. It started with parents that cling to their adult children which lead to relationships, so of course Steve came up. Not about him specifically but in reference to our visit to my therapist a few months ago. How when I said that I was angry and hurt but I still loved him, it was a healthier way of dealing with conflicts.

I thought about that for a time after the session. When I'm angry or hurting, I want to know why. Why the other person did what they did. What were they thinking about. I don't have these fits of blinding rage and I most certainly don't like to lash out at others when I am angry. I prefer to cool down and reexamine before approaching anything. It's why I have a lot of issues in relationships. Most people want/require real time communication. I'm going to say things I don't mean or I won't have words if I try to do it that way. I need processing time.

According my therapist, this is a healthy way to process. Both in wanting to know the whys and taking a bit of breather. We circled around this for a bit, how I've used this to deal with a lot of issues over the years. I understand why people did what they did over the years. It surprisingly helps to know. It makes them more human, more relatable. I pity many of the people who have hurt me over the years. Because I broke the cycle of abuse that still plagues them.

The last few months have been good for me. I'm seeing now just how purposely toxic the Ex was to my state of mind. I'm thankful I was finally able to get rid of him from my life. The damage that asshole did was far more extensive than I ever realized. If nothing else, it'll help with character development in one of my stories, heh.

I plead the fifth to this, lol

We'll see how I feel in a couple months, but I imagine it'll be better than now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll want to let someone close to my heart again.

Cookie Exchange 2014

While these aren't cookies, they make for amazing desserts or an eat at any time of the day snack.

I've played around with this recipe to my personal tastes, but I tend to like savory desserts so feel free to adjust to your own preferences. I wanted them because I can't have the ones at Starbucks, lol

I'm gluten free and soy free so the recipe is built around that but it'd be easy to change it to regular flour. Though I'd recommend trying it gluten free as I think the texture is better. It's less dense and fluffier, which I think is an improvement for a muffin.

Pumpkin Muffins

1 cup all purpose gluten free flour (the King Arthur's Blend, do not use the Bob's Red Mill. The texture doesn't work at all and it screws up the flavor)

2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp or so ground cloves (I freshly grind my own cloves which seems to be more potent than the ground clove powder found in the store. If using the store bought, use 1 tsp)

1 tsp allspice

1 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp or so ground nutmeg (you'll know when it has enough by smell)

1/4 tsp tumeric

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temp

1 cup brown sugar (if you like sweet desserts add a couple extra Tbsp)

1 cup pumpkin puree (I HIGHLY recommend using a freshly baked sugar/pie pumpkin or butternut squash. Compared to the canned stuff you get in the store, the difference is amazing.)

2 eggs

3 tsp vanilla extract

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line muffin tins with paper liners.

2. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, spices, salt, and baking powder.

3. In a stand mixer, or large bowl with a hand mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until smooth. It'll take up to 5 minutes. Add pumpkin puree, vanilla extract and eggs. Do NOT over mix once the eggs are in. (Otherwise it makes the batter tough and the muffins too chewy) 

4. Add in the flour mixture in batches until just mixed completely. Again, do NOT over mix.

5. Spoon in the pumpkin deliciousness (batter) into the muffin pans. Bake for 35 minutes.

Makes about one dozen muffins.

If you're feeling really decadent, you can add homemade cream cheese frosting on top. Or do what I did and hollow out the middle with a knife once the muffins cool and plop some frosting right in the middle. If you want the frosting, I recommend making the muffins on the savory spectrum so it's not overly sweet.

Simple cream cheese frosting recipe