I was conditioned to forgive people's wrongs against me from an early age. I knew what they were doing was wrong, but at some point I just got tired. It became easier to brush things aside in my mind than confront them. That's what I did with Steve and how things ended.
Too tired of being hurt, being betrayed, being left, no longer being good enough. Just tired.
And after everything with the Ex...to finally be free. After all that man did to me, all the things he did to screw me up. All the ways I was tired of having my limits of existing pushed. To be free. I got the call on May 28, 2014 around 10-11pm that he wouldn't be a problem anymore.
I had ten days with Steve, with finally nothing hanging over us. June 8th, that's when he ended things. It was a Sunday. We met on a Sunday, July 15th. He ended things 4 days before his birthday. Since he doesn't celebrate it, I don't think it even occurred to him.
Or how he always went out of town, back to his old college for homecoming, on my birthday every year. How much that hurt and I never said anything because of conditioning. My birthday has always sucked so why would the man I love be around? No, that was very fitting, and he wouldn't have stayed if I had asked anyway. That's why I never did.
So why am I crying from missing him? Why is my heart still breaking?
Because for everything that may have been wrong, or didn't mesh, or hurt...regardless of all that, it was different than every relationship I've ever had. He was my best friend, my protector, my lover, my Dom. He was the sun in the rain, the Light in the Dark. He made me smile when I didn't think I could. His was the footprint on the Path that I knew was always there.
Until he took a different Path.