Friday, April 29, 2016


For the last year, I've been on medications. To help with anxiety. Depression. Muscle tightness and spasms. Migraines. Fibromyalgia. A new one is a steroid that helps the body retain water, salt, and other necessary minerals because of fainting spells I've had my whole life that have recently become severe enough for me to see a cardiologist.

I've never mentioned my age before, but I'm under 30. Nearer to it, but under.

My current doctors/medical professionals are a PCP, neurologist, chiropractor, therapist, cardiologist, and a psychiatrist. I've seen one rheumatologist already, but I'll likely end up seeing another one. I have a foot that is slowly collapsing on me. The bones are fine. The muscles are starting to atrophy. I see signs of it beginning in the other foot too.

I have nerves in my body that currently don't respond to stimulation. Given that my neurologist doesn't say anything when I tell him this, I guess it's par for the course of where my fibro is at. Nerves that go off like electrical shocks, to no stimuli at all.

I didn't stop writing simply because Steve and I broke up. My health was deteriorating, physically and mentally. The things I had to say didn't belong here, or I didn't have the strength to write about them. I didn't want him reading my spiral downward. May the gods help me, I didn't think it was possible, but I hid it from him.

I was hiding enough and he didn't want to see anymore. It was the perfect combination. And there was one day that tipped the tides. It's why I'm on meds and seeing a psychiatrist. There was self harm, but there was no rush of endorphins. I was still panicky and scared. It took me an hour to decide to drive to an urgent care.

I had lost Chris, who always made me promise to tell someone...long before Steve did. I know I talk about Steve a lot, but I mourn the loss of Chris in my life. I miss him so much. But he's hurting, like I'm hurting. I can't blame him for not being able to look at me without being in pain. I understand that all too well. It hurts me too because I do love Chris. But not his anger and mood swings.

I had lost Steve...and well, yeah.

That day could have ended two ways. I could have done what I did, and gotten help. Or it would have set me on the path that was in my mind. I had a plan. I wasn't going to see the end of 2015. I was already thinking about it as of August '14. That day was March 7, 2015.

It's been a year and I wish I could say the meds have helped. They haven't. I have to talk with my psychiatrist on Tuesday about options, mainly starting over and seeing what happens. Where I was a year ago is not where I am today. I need to know what I'm working with, not drugged up.

Steve saw it the other night when we did a double date with him and his new gf. Writing isn't too badly impaired, though I'm making a ton of easy spelling mistakes so thankfully there's that nice dictionary. Speaking and being awake on the other hand?? I've had music on fairly loud this entire time. It's so I can concentrate and stay alert enough to write. And I feel myself fading quickly as it's approaching 9PM. That's when I start to fade, no matter if I've taken a nap or not.

I did take an over 2 hour nap today too. I got over 9 hours of sleep. Hypersomia. It's caused by the meds I'm on. That's also why I want to start over. A clean slate to see what I really need because I'm taking too much of something or several somethings obviously.

But I didn't want to talk about all of this, ya know? I felt like it was necessary for me and for the people who do still read here.

1 comment:

  1. I am really glad that you laid it all out. This is one of the very few places where you are loved and supported, no matter what. My heart hurts for you. You are so young to have had to go through so much pain, heartbreak, and bad health. You are in my prayers.