Rambling Again

I have a mess of topics to talk about but I'll try to be as concise as possible.

First I was right about the lab work. However I wasn't expecting another mri of my brain. Don't know when that will be just yet. I'm trying not to panic about it. Trying.

Wednesday, my birthday, was up and down. It was still one of my better birthdays, which is slightly depressing. The medical stuff didn't help with any of that and had me on edge the whole day. Still, I had a good day with Frank and spent the evening with friends.

Ever since I was a kid I've always kept journals. When I left, or go quiet for long periods of time, I returned to the pen and paper. It's the only way to escape feeling trapped in my mind.

I know I've talked quite a bit about Steve since that friendship ended. I have here. Not with my therapist. I will one day but I don't have all the right words for that as of now. Part of that is Steve was unique to my life in so many ways. Being the only person who could help me escape my own mind is one of them.

I miss not feeling so utterly alone. I miss the person who felt like a piece of me.

It took me a little bit to realize I'm going through the stages of grief. And I hate that. Can I skip right to acceptance?

I'm fairly certain he doesn't read here anymore. Why would he? I told him that I was leaving because he was toxic to me and I needed to get away with what was left of my sanity.

The constant daily agony is gone. So there is that. I do wish it hadn't gotten to that point. That there was a way of mending things between us.

Because at times I'm that foolish, optimistic little girl who believes the world can't really be as bad as it is and that nothing is irreversible. And I'd be lying if every time I get a text message, I don't open my phone wondering if it'll be him saying hello.

Happy Birthday and Have Fun Seeing Doctors!

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my neurologist to talk about the lack of some taste buds, as well as the burning/tingling mouth and tongue sensations. Of course I now have a chest infection on top of all this. It started a little bit last night and is full blown awful today. But seeing my neurologist came after a bunch of phone calls.

My psychiatrist is fairly certain it's not the med he has me on nor the leftover abilify. I'm also not allowed to start the new medication until someone determines what is going on. My primary doctor was thinking one med I take and since my neurologist prescribes it, I called him.

However, my neurologist is thinking it's another med altogether so that's why I'm going in at 8am tomorrow.

On my birthday no less. Woo, happy birthday to me LOL

If all of that sounded convoluted with the meds, it is. I have to keep a list in my phone so I remember what I take and how much. Plus I get an occasional injection from my neurologist and I'd have to look up whatever that is called because I've heard the name twice. I need to do that some time to add to my list.

Currently I take, Morning: 200mg gabapentin, .1mg florinef, 1mg klonopin, 50mg topamax; Afternoon: 300mg gabapentin; Nighttime: 300mg gabapentin, 1mg klonopin, 50mg topamax, 10mg baclofen

And then every 12 weeks, depo provera shot.

This is less medication than I've been on in the past. There are no antidepressants in that current list.

Two years ago, I was on nothing. And I can't even complain really about any of these. Topamax stops migraines. Gabapentin helps the fibro. Florinef keeps my adrenal system working properly. Klonopin stops the panic attacks and the constant freaking out. Baclofen is a muscle relaxer so I can move about without looking like I'm 80.

That last one is the med my neurologist thinks is the issue but he's not 100% sure. I see a blood test in my future, as in tomorrow. This is not how I imagined my birthday going but I should have expected it. I also do not imagine whatever is wrong getting resolved tomorrow or in the next few days. I'm just hoping it's not permanent, or something isn't seriously wrong. Because I'm trying not to think about that.

That's why I was so frustrated and angry in my last post.

Taste buds? Who needs those! Fml

So fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk.

My taste buds are screwed up. Some things I just can't taste anymore. Like I literally can't taste things. What the fuck.

I don't know if I can blame medications. Which one to blame. I don't even know which doctor to call. But I need to call someone because my taste buds have both changed and some have fucking disappeared.

I was, key word was, willing to try another medication. No. Nooooo. Not until I have my taste buds back. Mango, kiwi, and lime are gone. Gone. I don't know what else is missing. Oh, and some things taste like the wrong things. Like something strawberry based tasting like cranberry...

Blueberry though, heh. That has never been more potent. And tastes like heaven because I can taste it. Brown sugar is another winner that just pops.

I guess I have to call my psychiatrist's office and tell them about this wtf stuff. Abilify can do this. But so can gabapentin. I've been abilify since Sept 16th. It seems odd that it would start now but who knows with withdrawal symptoms. I'm on a good amount of gabapentin though. If it's that, I need to call my neurologist and be like wtf to his office.

And hopefully...hopefully...please let this not be permanent.

This is why I didn't want to be on medications. I hate long term medications. No one frickin believes me that medications and my body don't agree.

My therapist was saying all medications come with side effects and it's about learning to live with them. NO! This has become unacceptable. I went through two months, at least, of withdrawal from cymbalta which I'd rather had drunk myself into a stupor with the worst hangover of my life every night for two months than have done that.

I've gotten migraines from the very medication that is supposed to have stopped them because I was put on too high of a dose. The antidepressants have made me so angry that I've wanted to attack and kill people, let alone kept me stuck in a depressive hole.

Now I fucking can't taste things. This has been over the course of less than two years.

I am so tempted to say fuck it to doctors. I'm ready to be done. Like I have enough problems with my body and my mind/brain that I don't need them adding more to it.

If it's not clear, I'm ready to snap. That's a very bad place for me to be.