Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Winding turns

2016 left its last few days making me grateful to leave it behind.

I have a million thoughts running through my mind, which is so very pleasant, but it leaves me not knowing where to begin.

I'm on my final week of topamax and I can taste nearly everything properly again. A huge relief. The constant headaches I could do without but I'm hoping those will ease up. If not, I see my neurologist next week.

This marks the start of not seeing my therapist for at least two months. With him no longer taking insurance, it won't be in the budget for a while. I'm wondering if I'll go stir crazy with all the thoughts or if it'll give me some time to relax and take a break. Most likely both, knowing how my mind functions.

I decided this was the year of taking no shit. People better step up or fuck off. I've already begun. People have to be better this year than we've needed to be. I think many people, myself included, have grown complacent. This is not a time in history where we can avoid to be on the sidelines. I don't know how much of an impact I can make, but I'm going to do my damnedest.

I have only one resolution for the new year but for now I'm keeping that a secret, all to myself. No one knows about this, except in some passing conversation from some time ago. Not what it has become nor the evolution to get there.

As for everything else, I'm floating in and out of a state of being passive, emotionally speaking. Not having to feel has been incredibly helpful for perspective and the occasional peace of mind. It's just a mind trick and coping mechanism, but not all are unhealthy. Being able to step back, shut down, be yet not be has allowed me to get through many days, many awful times in the past. When there are times where my emotions and thoughts are so overwhelming and damaging, I need a safe haven.

My thoughts and emotions have been taking turns into places of my mind I thought long gone. My last session with my therapist had him concerned. I didn't like where I was heading emotionally, so I stopped it in its tracks. I've been slowly world my way out of that direction. No, not depression. Something far worse. Feeding the anger and embracing it.

I will never be that person, even if I'm capable of it.

Like I said, lots of thoughts on all different directions. The freedom to think clearly and to bounce all around is something I've missed. Something I lost long before I began writing here. So this should be interesting if nothing else.

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