Not a happy christmas

It's Christmas. It's the holiday season. I don't feel it today and I haven't felt anything leading up to it. May as well be just another Sunday.

I'm not happy. I don't think I'm depressed (the worrying kind; there's always some element of it around). I've been sad and angry a lot to the point where I shut down. I'm still feeling and experiencing those emotions, all emotions, but they feel distant and obscure.

I don't feel connected to other people, even those I'm closest to, though few they are. I feel very alone. It's not the first time I've felt this way over the years.

It's like there's a delay. I don't know if it's from depression, the meds I had been taking, coping mechanisms. Regardless, a lot has happened over the last two and a half years. The bulk of it being over the last two years.

Shortly after Chris and I broke up, friendships began ending as well. There were a lot of issues, both underlying and immediate, that caused a lot of problems across the board. That group of friends no longer exists. I have individual friendships with people but the support network is gone.

I've explained what happened with local friends, but things started falling apart in places before that. I saw the end coming.

And Steve. One of the few people I've met who made me feel like I wasn't actually alone.

As I sit here crying on yet another holiday, I just...I'm envious of other people. Who have somewhere to go on holidays, people to be with. And I don't. I haven't for years now, but it hurts all the same.

I'm tired of feeling so terribly alone.

This isn't even the scope of what I'm feeling, just a peek behind the curtain. And I'm not going to be able to see my therapist at all in January. Possibly not February either.

I'm physically and mentally tired so I should just go to bed. That's the best choice for now.