Quarantined and Going Crazy

Damn, I suck at keeping up with this these days. I apologize. Every time I think I get a bit of stability, things come crashing down again.

I know I promised more fun sexy things this time, but I don't have the heart for it. I'll get there again. Quarantine, covid 19, being immunocompromised...

It's taken a huge toll on me. More than that. I've been drowning in dark waters of depression and ptsd.

The anxiety I had, fearing for my life because of the Ex...this situation triggered it. I've been going from little sleep, to sleeping most of two days. Not eating much at all. Some intrusive thoughts about dying.

It's getting better. I've been talking with people I trust about it. I'm taking one day at a time and being kind to myself. My brain isn't being nice so I have to be.

My life has so drastically changed from when I started this blog. I started this to explore a journey with a man. A man I would have given everything to, given up things for. He knew better, even if he was a cunt about it.

Lisa...gods, Lisa. I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she became but it's not the woman I fell so madly in love with. We were going to be the old ladies drinking tea and wine, yelling at kids to get off our lawn. The weird witchy women that people turned to and were also slightly scared of. That was always the plan. Her and I, no matter what.

I cried my tears for her last year. Then deep seated anger. Then I thought we were okay.

Apparently the thing she always said about me was true. I'm threatening to relationships, not because I go out of my way to break people apart. I am the rock. The person people can depend on.

Scott thought she would leave him for me. Lisa thought Scott would leave her for me.

Heh. No thanks. They can keep that disfunction all to themselves.

But I've been thinking about them. Not meaning to, it just is. They got all the friends. Other friendships are still too new and tangled and confusing.

I miss my twin and triplet. I miss all my friends who are in NJ or on the border of it. My plan is still to sell the house in around 5 years. I have time to figure it out. So far NJ is in the lead. That and New Hampshire. That was my second home for so long. I miss it.

Another part of me wants to disappear into a beautiful little home in the woods with a bit of land. And escape all of it.

That's the depression and anxiety talking. I know it is. Run and hide so no one can find me. Or just keep running.

This year has been immensely difficult, but I swear my next post, I will explain what I've been up to that is way more exciting than all of this angst.

I return from hibernation!

Wow! I can't believe it's been over a year and a half since I last wrote here. I didn't think it had been that long.

Where to start? I'm single. I got another cat. No the two aren't related. 😂 The youngest girl is named Celeste. She chose me and is the most loving cat I've ever known. Not that my older cats aren't loving, but I've never met a cat like her where she is so attached to me.

The middle one she's sleeping on top of me. She's a sweetheart.

So, to catch everyone up, Lisa and I are no longer friends. She basically stole Scott from me and complained about her not getting enough attention.

She left her husband for Scott, claiming it was mostly me. They moved out in March of last year.

Friendships were tried to be rekindled from Sept to up until a few days ago. Not even her son, monster man, is enough for me to try again or put up with the bs.

I'm just done with them.

Oh! Some good news! In October of 2018, Chris called me! We talked for hours. And continue to talk for hours at times. Our friendship is really good. He's even coming out to visit some time. Just as a friend.

After all of the pain and bad relationships, I'm okay with being single for the next ten years. Maybe then I'll consider dating.

I dated all of my 20's and teen years. I'm 30 now and I'm excited for the years ahead of me. Finding my own place in the world. My own happiness. Not being tied down to people and obligations.

My twin got engaged last October!! She lives in our home state. I went out to visit her. They live together with his kids. There was a BBQ planned so she didn't question my staying a few days.

Even when everyone was waiting and decorations were out and their favorite movie was playing, she didn't get what was going on. It was so sweet. I told her maybe she should walk forward. Then she understood!

She said yes yes yes before he even finished asking. Then proceeded to say fuck you over and over bc it was public. And he told her for years that he wouldn't get married again. Except her fiancé and I were planning for months. He was planning longer!!

My other friend from home state: her, twin and I are the three musketeers. She's in the process of buying a house. Waiting on legal to look it over.

I'm so excited to help my friends celebrate their big milestones of life. Have time for them to celebrate with them.

I've honestly never been this happy in my life. It's great and scary and surreal.

I have a new journey to share and a lot more to update y'all on! I'm looking forward to writing again and reading other bloggers.

P.S. There will be kink stuff on the blog again. I'll explain next time! 😉