And him. And when we were "us". And how much I'm still madly in love with him.
My friend who came to visit last month is a friend of Chris and mine. But when I talked about Steve...something changed.
It always does. I light up. I look head over heels in love. She's not the only one who has noticed. People have been asking about us since shortly after we met. Apparently I don't even have to mention him by name, just refer to him, for people to wonder.
The funny thing is there's a stillness to it all. The love I feel for Steve isn't contingent on him loving me back, or us ever being together. That's so scary. I have no interest in anyone else. How could I be? It wouldn't be fair either if I tried.
Dating? They're not him. Not by a long shot either. I've been reminded of why he's so unique and amazing these past couple of months. He's still the one who makes me smile every day. The one in my dreams at night, literally. Like I wasn't tormented enough in my waking hours, no I have to dream about the man as well.
It is a torment. Even in the stillness. I can't imagine loving anyone like how I love him. I'm okay if we're never more than friends because he's stuck with me and I with him. But that doesn't mean there aren't knives in my heart.