Bitchy

Well that guy? Yeah he sucked. Seriously possessive way too early on. And encroaching my boundaries or pushing past them. Ick!

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Heh, yes I'm aware that I'm asking that question...

So what's been new? I was at a big event over the weekend, full of my kind of people. It was wonderful! I was able to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in quite some time. I got to watch two amazing performers come out dressed up like Anna and Elsa and sing Let It Go. Mind you, this was for a magick/comedy show. Yeah, it was that kind of weekend. :-D

Steve and I are still kind of weird. I don't know what's up with that. I think maybe I have a streak of mean and bitchy going on. Makes me think of:

I'm not trying to be a bitch, I swear. But it has been coming out more lately. Apparently I've been cursing more often too. I'm feeling jaded and disgruntled most days. Mainly with the lack of sleep and reoccurring nightmares. That has been going on for the last week or so.

I hit a wall for my threshold of patience and I'm not sure I know how to be nice right now. Polite, maybe, but not nice.

There's also this anti anxiety med in me and who knows what the heck that's doing to me. I told Steve earlier that I'm going to hit up the gym in the morning. Maybe I can let go of all this shit so I can be cute, adorable, and put together again.

Though to be fair, I did tell him that he may not like the person underneath. I was not always a nice, sweet person. I could be, but it wasn't my norm? Childhood and my teenage years were odd and that's what my therapist and I have been poking near these days. It's not been fun.

I wish I could say there's been kink. But fuck people. Fuck men. Fuck all of that.

Mrrrrr

It's been one hell of a week. Besides the undercurrents of a depressive episode, I have HIGH levels of anxiety going on. I have an appointment with a neurologist in the morning. My therapist wants to talk to that doctor to create a game plan of meds for me.

Can I say how much I loathe this idea?? And I know I need it. Ugh

I think Steve and I are fighting. I say "I think" because we've never really fought before. This is not helping my anxiety, but he's...I'm...we're just not okay. It sucks.

All of this sucks.

In other news, I met a guy. My friends like him. I like him. We're inching along at this kind of dating thing. Not relationship dating, but dating with the intent to further see each other with romantic contexts underneath it.

And yeah. That's the highlight of my life right now. The rest of it is not as great. Kinda sucky. But even with all the suck going on right now, the guy is still here. Gotta give him props for that.

Let me just curl up in a little ball now.

Well Fuck

I'm really sorry I haven't been writing lately. Here or anywhere. I've not been right in my own head. I saw it coming for about 2-3 months now. Earlier this month, I even brought up the idea of antidepressants and I hate everything about the idea of those.

I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon. I don't know how that conversation is going to go...I'm scared. That's not something I admit very often. I feel like the fire burning within that keeps me going is dying out.

I wanted to let y'all know that I'm still around. I have a lot to say but this isn't the place to say it. It's really bad in my mind right now and that doesn't need to be here. I'm not reading much these days either.

Steve's worried. Of course he is. He's the only one who knows how bad it truly is, and without being in my mind, he can only guess. Even he doesn't know that I've been thinking about an inpatient or a daily outpatient program for the last month. The thought of doing something like that makes me want to tear my skin off, so that should tell you that this is bad.

On the plus side, I always write some really amazing poetry and short stories when I'm in this kind of mindset. Dark, but great. Maybe once I'm not quite so awful, I'll share some of that here.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads this and has been with me over the last two years. I appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.