Friday, March 17, 2017

Let it all burn

There are still so many more stories I could tell. Back from the beginning, before this blog existed. Not just Steve, but others.

Tonight though, tonight my heart is breaking all over again. All the things that can break me emerged simultaneously. I don't know how I'm not shattered into a million little pieces, but I am close.

I would watch the world burn, turn back to dust floating through space. If I could. It's probably a good thing that I didn't end up in international affairs...

Being angry is probably the only thing keeping me from shattering.

Then like always, after the anger and so many tears, comes the numbness. The hollow with nothing to fill it.

Eventually I'll get mad again. If I'm lucky, there will come some time where I think I'm okay. But the pain and anger always return.

I should have known talking about the Ex was a bad idea, especially when I've been thinking of Steve. I doubt he realizes it, but he made their memories have more of a binding than should have ever existed.

Barely breathing for a chance at hope. I was so terrified. Then the tiniest piece of hope that I might be safe, might be able to be happy, might be finally free of all the nightmares. Hope that I didn't believe in or really trust. Yet there it was all the same.

And he fucked me and left. Tearing away any illusion at hope. The one person who I truly believed would never hurt me, Steve. But he did, when I was most fragile. When hope was so close.

There were no walls in my mind against him. And he demolished everything.

If I was too broken after that, he is part of the reason why. I've lived with pain and abuse most of my life.

But he destroyed that fragile piece of hope.

I can withstand and recover from a great deal many of things. I don't think I'll ever recover from losing that hope.

I've lost the ability to hope. To think it, believe it, feel it. There hasn't been a spark of it since that day.

So my good days are simply okay. That's my measurement. It's why I wished I had never met Steve. He destroyed me in a way others had tried and failed at. Bravo

If I could, I would watch the world burn.

And I'd set the fire.

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