Tuesday, June 6, 2017

I wish I wasn't so screwed up. But it is what it is.

I woke up this morning, on 6 hours of sleep (not nearly enough), yet when I looked into the mirror my eyes were shining bright. And by the end of the day, I'm ten miles back. My eyes are dull.

I was with Lisa today, running errands with her and the monster. And gods above was he living up to his name. But the day was good. The exit we pulled off from pulls up literally across from where Frank works. And I forgot to say where Steve used to work, though it was back behind it. Hush hush secret stuff lol. I told her he was still there because I genuinely forgot. It's not even something I technically should know. But I do. Whoops.

But on the way back into the highway...I felt the beginnings of falling apart. Sometimes there's a stabby feeling when I think of him. Literal and figurative.

Then I snapped back for a little bit. Lisa and I watched more Dr Who. It took maybe a minute of driving before my thin veneer of "okay" was stripped away. I stared at the concrete wall on a bridge over a river and thought "It's there so I don't drive my car into it." Because in that moment I wanted to. I wanted to crash into every car and truck that got near me, but I knew we weren't going fast enough for it to kill me.

And I thought about inpatient therapy. I thought about running. Running and running and running. Driving as far as I could to get away. But I can't run from the demons in my mind.

I felt myself slipping, like my mind was on a slide. Descending onto that cusp of aware and disassocation.

For some reason, my scars that most doctors think landed me in the ER for a psych eval were prominent today. My therapist knows though.

If you're worried that I'm going off the deep end, well...i didn't write for a year because I was. I'm talking about it. Far less concerning, I promise.

And I'm happy I got to myself smile and my eyes alight this morning. It's something I haven't seen in a very long time. But those moments are always fleeting. It makes the crash back to my reality all the more harsh and cruel.

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