I wonder if this is me. They claim meds don't change who you are. I would politely disagree. Tomorrow I start a new antidepressant. Effexor. Actually the generic but you get what I mean. So it has me thinking. The practically pleasant text conversation with my guardian mother this evening has me thinking as well but that's for another time.
Klonopin changed a lot for me. About me. Anxiety kept me honed but also drained. Eventually it would wear me down, depression would settle in deeply, and at some point I'd find my way out. Rinse, recycle, repeat.
That's not the case on klonopin. The anxiety never burns itself out. There's the low level humming in the background constantly. Sometimes it surges, only to be pushed back down. I feel like a bottle of soda that's getting shaken up, constantly has that natural bubbles, yet no pressure relief.
Add in more antidepressants than I'd ever thought I'd be willing to try and I don't know if this is really me. Compile that with the other meds I take that reduce pain but keep me sluggish mentally...and who the hell is this person.
Maybe an evolution of what should have always been. Maybe my illnesses slowing me down, the physical ones. Maybe breaking so hard and being in the worst depression of my life altered me drastically enough that I don't know what to make of anything.
This is where my brain says the answer is all of the above. If everything seems possible, then d. all of the above is correct. At least I get to use those test taking skills for something, heh.
I honestly don't know if I'm supposed to be this person I am now or who I was prior to meds. I have no idea if the meds saved my life. I'm still depressed. I'm still suicidal. And I can't say for sure if the meds or therapy moved those to the background or if this is a normal cycle.
Having been depressed and wanting to die since 7 years old, cycles are something I know. And that me feels far more authentic than this one. I have all my old journals from back then and I can say with certainty that 13 year old me, even depressed as heck, had a better perspective than I do now.
I understood myself then, as much as possible. I have no clue now.