Full of Surprises

He is just full of surprises...

Some of our conversation from last night:

Him: "Though I'm not your Dom, I would like to get you trained a little better."

me: "Well, that's a difference of opinions...some would say I was trained very well previously lol."

Him: "Yes but that was for them."

me: "Yes I know. I was just teasing."

Him:  ":P"

me: "You want me trained for your needs."

Him: "Yes. Because some day, I would like to take your leash if it is possible."

Him: "And if not, I'd at least like to get you to the point where you can take care of yourself when you are at liberty."


I was startled and shocked...in a pleasant way.

I knew He was interested in me. I wasn't not aware of the level to which those feelings existed.

He's trying to be more direct with me, and it's really showing.

I have a lot to say about that small snippet of conversation. I have no idea where to begin though. Something for another post I guess.

This weekend should be interesting, given that we have plans to meet up. Dinner, movie...and some other fun.

I'm excited for some alone time with Him. Sexually charged alone time. I'm sure I'll be in for more surprises.

Learning some lessons

I have a lesson to learn.

Learn when to be quiet and do as I'm told.

He appreciates that I want to give back to Him. He appreciates the effort.

At the same time, I need to learn that He knows what He wants and needs. If He wants more, all He has to do is say so.

It's not my place to push that.

He also needs to be more direct in putting a stop to behavior in me He doesn't like.

I thought were were kind of flirting with word usage too, which was fun for me.

I assumed...that got me in trouble.

I thought He should have more in return for what He's given me. I assumed He'd want more.

Also, I need to be more direct myself when it comes to asking for things from Him.

I'm working on it! I'm still learning what He expects of me. What leeway I have. It's also harder to define the line since we're friends with benefits, not Dom/sub.

Though the line between the two is very fine in our case.

I did notice that since our conversation on Sunday, we're not talking past each other.

That's why we managed to get the newest lessons out into the open with little fuss.

Having a lot more out in the open seems to be helping...even if I do need to learn my place.

If He wants me more submissive, pliable, obedient...I have no issues with that. At all.

I think it's a side of me He wants to see more. Flex His dominance.

Sounds like a fun time to be had!

Emotional Roller Coaster

I have a heck of a lot to process right now. I really don't know where to begin...

He's human, lol. Honestly I wasn't sure for awhile there!! He's always so damn confident and self-assured. Withdrawn and mysterious.

Previously, I'd been let in a little and then pushed out again.

I confronted Him about it in our conversation. It's really confusing and my emotions often reflect the roller coaster of our interactions. But as I told Him, I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

The fact of the matter is He doesn't want to pursue something more with me because of one incredibly huge factor. That's fine. I understand that.

It's also something I expect to have changed relatively soon. Maybe a year, two years time.

I know that doesn't seem "soon"...which is why I said relatively, heh.

I want something now. So does He. That's something He made clear last night.

Though waiting for me is not something I'll ever ask Him to do, and expressed such. Even if I do want Him to...even though I'm willing to hold off on pursuing anything, with anyone else in the mean time so we can actually get a chance to do this right.

He said something really interesting about polyamory. He doesn't want to share power with anyone else. Partially because He's selfish. The other part is fascinating. He can't make sure that whoever else I'm with is treating me right.

That's a perspective I've never gotten from a Dom before. It makes so much more sense.

Not that either of us are monogamous. Poly just has many different facets.

I could be happy with only one person having power over me. Especially if I was around the person a good amount of time, and it was a pretty tight leash I was on. I think that would work. Play with others would still be on the table. I'm sure I could even keep the boyfriend I have now, because there is no power exchange between us.

I have a boyfriend who runs the spectrum of kinky. I don't hold him to any boundaries of monogamy, which is why I expect him to find a really sweet girl one day. Someone he can call all his, but he needs time to grow into the dominant and sadist I see inside of him.

But that won't be me. I've been well aware of that for several years now. He's acquiesced to me in non-relationship format for so long that trying to reverse that would be an uphill battle I don't think we'd win.

Just a bit of perspective. Now I get to mull over the rest of what He and I spoke about last night.