Monday, October 1, 2012

Emotional Roller Coaster

I have a heck of a lot to process right now. I really don't know where to begin...

He's human, lol. Honestly I wasn't sure for awhile there!! He's always so damn confident and self-assured. Withdrawn and mysterious.

Previously, I'd been let in a little and then pushed out again.

I confronted Him about it in our conversation. It's really confusing and my emotions often reflect the roller coaster of our interactions. But as I told Him, I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

The fact of the matter is He doesn't want to pursue something more with me because of one incredibly huge factor. That's fine. I understand that.

It's also something I expect to have changed relatively soon. Maybe a year, two years time.

I know that doesn't seem "soon"...which is why I said relatively, heh.

I want something now. So does He. That's something He made clear last night.

Though waiting for me is not something I'll ever ask Him to do, and expressed such. Even if I do want Him to...even though I'm willing to hold off on pursuing anything, with anyone else in the mean time so we can actually get a chance to do this right.

He said something really interesting about polyamory. He doesn't want to share power with anyone else. Partially because He's selfish. The other part is fascinating. He can't make sure that whoever else I'm with is treating me right.

That's a perspective I've never gotten from a Dom before. It makes so much more sense.

Not that either of us are monogamous. Poly just has many different facets.

I could be happy with only one person having power over me. Especially if I was around the person a good amount of time, and it was a pretty tight leash I was on. I think that would work. Play with others would still be on the table. I'm sure I could even keep the boyfriend I have now, because there is no power exchange between us.

I have a boyfriend who runs the spectrum of kinky. I don't hold him to any boundaries of monogamy, which is why I expect him to find a really sweet girl one day. Someone he can call all his, but he needs time to grow into the dominant and sadist I see inside of him.

But that won't be me. I've been well aware of that for several years now. He's acquiesced to me in non-relationship format for so long that trying to reverse that would be an uphill battle I don't think we'd win.

Just a bit of perspective. Now I get to mull over the rest of what He and I spoke about last night.

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